My friend tried to set me up with a friend of her friend's, out of the blue, and for three weeks I did not call or e-mail this person and now I did and I wish that I didn't now that I've only had to wait one day so far for a reply. I hate this shit. My friend "meant well" but, I take it as her and her friend idiotically amusing themselves with the idea that other people have crotches in their pants, and could possibly be joined at these parts for their bored and married, personal amusement. When it seems that everybody in my life, including my best friends, are painfully inane, I crawl up, like a sick and shameless user, to the keyboard and turn to you, sock-monkey, for arbitrary guidance. So, tell me, do you think that I am entitled to slaughter my friend and her friend and possibly, even, her friend wildly with a cleaver for involving me in their schemes? People say, "Oh listen, it's okay if you're not interested," after they've just hammered into you about "opportunities" and told you that they've already told the other person about you and everybody is expecting your fucken call. It's not okay. Since when has anything like that sincerely been so simple? Neurosis is the golden mean of humanity. What if slaughtering my friends isn't so easy? What if they're large and their skin is tough? I could easily break into a sweat dismembering them for disposal. Then what? Or if I start getting sentimental while I'm scooping out their eyes with whatever's handy, like a garlic press or a melon baller? Would you help me? All you would have to do is mix the drinks and wipe a towel across my brow. I like fruity drinks, daquiris and margaritas. I'll pay for the tequila or whatever, just keep me focused until the bodies are in the river, or the desert, wherever you think is best.
sure thing... and friends can be like that if you don't tell them NOT to ever ever again... people like to play with other peoples lives... either they're doing it because they're bored with their own lives or they are doing it because they think you'll get something good out of it... either way it is annoying... so i'll pour you all the drinks you want and we'll throw things at my neighbors

would u kiss my butt?
hell no but you can kiss mine

What would it take to convince you to come and visit me?
lots of money... some presents and some food

Can I drive your purple-rayed sofa, just down the little street up to the cemetery gates? I think the crows would be really impressed. We could even tie my piano to the back of it, fill it with a couple of bags of ice and some treats, and use it like a trunk with a cooler for the couch/car. We have to have a cooler because it's been hot here, and we don't want the Whoppers to melt. Not the hamburger kind, the malted chocolate kind. Excellent chaser for the fungus required on such missions. Already, there's been fifteen disciples of the All-Seeing -Eye and their moth-eaten, committee women prowling about with their rubber, butcher gloves and filthy, little piles of petunias and geraniums, looking to cement their rape of the land and decorate it with fucking pinwheels and flags. Any spontaneous intelligence reports on your end? Oh, and can you bring some cantaloupe and a couple of folding chairs? It might take a while to drive out the whole parade of bankers, conspirators and other republican warlocks, and we might want to sit down. And no, we can't just drive the couch right into the cemetery because they have it chained off. We'll have to carry our weapons in, or get some horses or something, maybe a donkey.
i already ate the cantaloupe and i guess i wasn't supposed to eat it all at once but it tasted so good and the only real report i have is that the cat keeps sneezing... the trip down the street was ok and funny enough there really is a cemetary there and kitty and jim are there

if you're a virgin and you get raped by a sock monkey... are you still a virgin?
no because you were raped by the sock monkey but sock monkeys don't do that and never will... anyone who does should be raped up the ass with 2x4 that has rusty nails sticking out of it

DC, this is FartMonkey. I feel it necessary to tell you this. Recently I have been just going about my business when there is a strange light and I am a sock monkey(Normally I am human). This soon wears off and I return to normal. But this is happening more and more often and it lasts longer each time. Also constantly have antihuman thoughts and keep leaving myself post-its such as 'wrap human in blanket, secure with belts, and shove into commercial airplane propellors'. Does this mean that I am becoming a sock monkey?
it means that you are evolving to sock monkey... congrats and enjoy the trip

I am now a nice female sock monkey with fresh stuffing...I am very interested in your tail. I also have a wet trembling pussy...all for you. It was some work giving that cat a bath, i tell you, she nearly clawed my eyes out and I spent the evening sewing myself back together. Only, she has been out of the water for six days and is as wet as the second she came out. I have watched her closely to see if she is secretly going in the pool. Then I realized that it was not a cat at all but a pile of monkey feces blowing in the wind. I am sorry, but I will get you a new kitten! Can you forgive me? FartMonkey
perhaps if you buy me enough gingerale and rub my tail nicely for awhile

I have examined cheese very closely, and as far as I can tell, it consists of cheese. I have obtained similar results with celery. Should I write a book? FartMonkey
i think you should... but be ready to defend your highly controversial ideas with facts and case studies to back you up

There are purple frogs all over the ceiling. They urge me to set fire to things. If I obey they reward me with sugar. Often I find myself carrying a can of gasoline and plane tickets to a distant country and cannot remember the last few days. FartMonkey
get an air brush and paint them red... you will find they become much nicer and reward you with coffee grinds

Sanimal, what's all that noise down th-OH MY GOD SAANMIAL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! THAT WAS MY LAST BASKET OF CHEESE FROM GRANDMOTHER AND NOW SHE'S DEAD!!!!I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND STICK IT ON THE TOP OF MY CHIMNEY AND AS FOR YOUR TESTICLES, WELL, YOU BETTER HOPE T-Oh, it's only you , DC. Sorry! The shadows made you look twisted and grotesque..now the light is back and I must say you are quite handsome. Carry on! FartMonkey
this isn't ask sanimal so go away

If train A leaves three minutes before train B, going 60 mph faster, and somewhere in Antarctica someone is playing a Wayne Newton record, and there is a full moon which causes werewolves, but only in months whose name contains a Z, and the only thing keeping you alive is crumbs from cookies you had in your pockets last year that you stole from that old lady that throws onions, and you divide the sum by X, nobody really gives a rat's ass, do they? FartMonkey
they pretend to but ultimately the answer is no

I was reading a story about this girl that got horny during class so she took a test tube (I guess it was science) and stuck it up her pussy and she was about to orgasm and she saw the teacher coming and she snapped her legs together which caused the test tube to break and she had to go to the hospital and get her vagina sewed back up because there was glass up her pussy and she was screaming and bleeding in class and she had to explain to the teacher. Wouldn't that absolutely positivlely suck? Consider adding that to the list of things that suck?FartMonkey
yes it would suck and let's hope she hurt herself badly enough not to produce stupid children

ever stuck your phone up your ass and put it on vibrate?
no i haven't

so whats your story?
if i told you then you'd tell everyone and then that would suck

is Hoyt really a name?
sure... so is Xansia

How come the moon is full and all this green cheese is just sitting around here, not shining down on me from the sky? It's like seeing Santa Claus in different department stores as a child , and then trying to resolve that shit. I'm tired of the mind games!
well being human is all about mind games so either deal with it or get some puppets to take your rage out on

i clean my glasses everynight before i go to bed, and when i wake up, there is dirty stuff in the corners of them, although my glasses are round. can you help me clean them right so they wont get as dirty as my grandmas 3rd nipple?
you have to leave them soaking in the toilet but be sure to remember that during nightly pisses

i opened my bag of doritos, and there was this little packet in there next to the chips. i opened the packet, and to my surprise, i had one a dollar. have you ever found a dollar in your doritos?
no i haven't but then again no one brings me doritos... so that is your job now... where are my doritos bitch?

at what age will my penis start growing? im still in my early teens, but it is small.
try rubbing it... it will probably get a bit bigger

i walked in my mothers room and she was stripping in front of the ice cream man. is this normal behavior for a 37 year old women, that is still married?
sure why not... everyone needs to cool down with the ice cream man every once in awhile

what age did you lose your virinity?
16

my friend got with this girl, and she let him finger her, but when he went to finger her, he missed the hole. after she told him where it was. dont you think that is funny?
sad more then funny

can i buy a domain, and name it theinsanedomain.net?
you could but some other fuckup already has it and it sucks

will you have sex with my 9 year old brother? i already have, so i can tell you its REAL nice.
hell no

Fuck it all. Kill me. Kill me now. Please? - Fido Dido
i told you... i need the proper paperwork filled out in triplicate and sent to my lawyer

Why do people feel the need to call me they're sweet bucket of corn love and proceed to sodomize me with corn and cover my body with cunt juice? -Butter Lumpkins
i'm not sure... is it that you like it and let them do it for free?

could you kill me?
see the question before the one above

There was a man name Bruce whose name just happened to be Carl and he had a cow but we found him with a horse and the cow was there and that was the first time he ever won a race, he crossed the finish line and the crowd cheered and he opened fire on peter pan who killed my granny's sister Elwood the cat. -Jimmy
this isn't a question so shut up jimmy

Do you do any sort of live performances where you live? I would like to see you and your associates put on some sort of show--music, comedy, drama, avante garde, whatever. I see that you have some music but, I haven't got around to waiting for my slow-ass computer to download it yet.
well whenever i go out there seems to be a 'live performance' thing that seems to happen... but offically no and if you would like to see that kinda thing then please send us money for a new server and to cover our bandwidth charges... we do have video but can't do anything with it yet... and the demodemons is the stuff that is the most insane but you will probably hate it because it's insane

What do you want for your birthday?
playstation 2 with grand theft auto 3... um.... some dvds... um... spawn comic books... um... some books

Have you ever studied a martial art? I see that you have The Art of War on the reading list. Have you ever read Bruce Lee's "The Tao of Jeet Kun Do"?
no i haven't actually but i will be at some point hopefully... and no i haven't read bruce lee's book but i will put it on my list of books to read

SiNiSTaR asked you about 5 lire. yes, lire is italian currency, but the smallest you can get is 50 lire, which is about 2.5 cents. if you accept lire, then will you accept the indonesian rupee (115 000 rupee equal 1 american dollar). please? - Foetish
ok as long as the <insert currency here> equals 5 canadian dollars then i will take it... and don't think i won't check to make sure

in the lyrics to "asshole" by denis leary, it mentions "John Wayne", "Lee Marvin", and someone else. who is Lee Marvin, what did/does he do, who is the someone else, what did/does he do, and do you reckon that one day i'll finally get my scanner to stop thinking? - Foetish
i don't know actually but i'm sure that someone like empriss nikon will icq me and tell me what it means so i'll feel smarter

Oh where oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where oh where can he be?
i saw him being taken away by a large bee and it looked PISSED

Why is it that if I were to say to Bob, "Bob, you are a real wise man," it would be a compliment, but if I said "Bob, you are a real wise guy," it would be an insult? Not that people actually take this statement as an insult anymore, but still?
it's all in the ennuciation of the word 'wise' and your facial expression... if done correctly you could say it without having the "Bob" getting offended

Where do babys come from?
mostly from stupid people

If I go up to my fish tank and scream "YOU LITTLE SUCKERS HAVE TO STAY IN THERE ALL DAY AND I CAN GO TO THE MOVIES AND I HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER WHETHER YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE, LOSERS!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!", will they fly out of the water, enter my body through my nostrils, and start eating me from the inside out until I am but a pile of skin?
they may try but let's face it... fish are lazy

why are my eyes all watery and my vision blurry? why are there blueish spots on everything...does my sofa have chicken pox or something? - SiNiSTaR
yes it does... run away! run away!

what's that sniffing sound coming from behind me? i'm scared..hold me.. - SiNiSTaR
thats me sniffing you...

how do you 'screw someone with a spoon'? - SiNiSTaR
well instead of using normal human items to put inside each other, you would use a spoon

how can i overcome my inevitable depression once the world cup is over? It always happens... i feel so empty afterwards, like it never happened... *sniff* - SiNiSTaR
oh it happened... just hold tight to the memories

i have nothing against gay people in fact some of them are good friends o' mine, but sometimes...when they show me their gay porn, i feel ill. a guy sucking off another guy and clamping their balls and using a candle to burn them is just too much, wouldn't you agree? why don't they leave me alone... ArGhHh!! - SiNiSTaR
bring along some of your own porn and show them... maybe they'll get the point or just ask them not to show you

oh also, don't you hate the kind of gays who are so loud and bitchy and have arguments in the streets below your window about ripping their best pants, when all you wanna do is sleep goddammit? - SiNiSTaR
i hate anyone who gets loud in the streets by my place like those damn kids who scream and scream and their parents just sit there like it's ok

i think those gays are trying to show everyone they don't care, what do you think? i think they should care JUST a LITTLE bit about how people do not want to hear about their first fuck and how it went..- SiNiSTaR
yell at them to shut up... unless you're in their house in which case you need to leave

this guy stopped me in the streets and asked me why i;m hiding... what does that mean? hiding from what? - SiNiSTaR
don't pretend you don't know

why do i get goosebumps every time i think of you? - SiNiSTaR
it's my tail... go on... it's ok to touch it...

this is serious, how can i stop my sister from being such a bitch? i can't take it anymore and although i would like to, i can't kill her as it is illegal and i don't have a place to hide out and live as a hermit. - SiNiSTaR
make puppets that look like her... slightly change her name to name the puppet... put on plays in your room loud enough for her to hear... do not portray her nicely... then hang the puppet from your ceiling... repeat

don't you think Pinhead from Hellraiser is sexy? All those pins coming outta his head, oh my god they make me very horny - SiNiSTaR
i hate to admit it but i haven't seen hellraiser... but i know what guy you are talking about and it looks cool

when people say 'bull dyke', what exactly do they mean? is it like rosie o'donell or whut? - SiNiSTaR
i don't know and i don't think rosie is as fat as a bull

Given my track record, wouldn't you have thought I'd've come up with another good question by now? - Mzebonga
well yes but that's ok cuz you've had that whole thing with the cats to deal with... i heard you did well and will be able to join me in the cat administration offices once they take over

If I move my arm - like this -and twist my leg -like this - and then wiggle my hips about - a bit like this - do you think my girlfriend will orgasm? - Mzebonga
i think so... but frankly i think she likes it when you use your fingers and mouth a bit more

Ever seen 'Nightmare on Elm Street'? Don't you think thats some scary shit?
bits of it and i thought it was funny

Ever get your tail stuck between the elevator doors?
yes sometimes... and damn that is annoying

Wow! Did you SEE that? What the hell was that??FartMonkey
it was my brain leaving for the weekend

Where does dust come from? FartMonkey
dead humans

Do you feel murderous rage towards people who constantly say "I told you so"? How about "Talk to the hand", "Hands are not for hitting", or "You ####### freak, put that corpse in the river before somebody finds it"?
yes i do

What is weather really caused by? FartMonkey
me and my mood swings

THis isnt a question i just wanted to warn peoples that if you have a realy bad hangover dont catch slugs and shove them up yur ass
you're lucky you mentioned slugs... but damint people ASK QUESTIONS

OOOOHH NOOO ITS GOT ME DC HELP ME JUST AS I HAVE ALWAYS FEARED THE CATS HAVE COME FOR ME WHAT SHOULD I DO DC HELPPPPP
try the slugs up your ass and see if that helps

I write down all the commercials during all the time I am watching tv. Then I hang a chart on the refrigerator showing which kind of commercial is the most common, second common (car, then lawyer, suprised?),etc. Am I crazy yet? Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that I am very very against pens so I write this information with my own blood and/or feces.
that is very interesting... be sure to keep on with your project... then take note of the sexist ones... the ones that outright lie... the ones that make up shit like '7 signs of aging' and such shit... which has 'normal' looking people in it instead of toothpicks and jock assholes... i would like to see the results

Do often have the urge to fling your feces at other people? Or do you openly do this? Are you flinging your fecal matter whilst answering this question? FartMonkey
yes i do... sometimes i do do this... and yes of course

Don't you wish that you could trace back all those stupid chain emails that say if you are the true friend of the person that sent it you will send it back and to 10 other people back to the person who started it and tie them up and set them on fire after removing their eyes and various vital organs with tweezers from a swiss army knife? FartMonkey
i would like to stop spam in all it's many forms by doing that to the people who send it

Why does the stem on the cherry blaster candy taste like the main cherry part?-Feckur
it doesn't you just think it does

Why is that comb missing so many teeth? Vista
i broke it for being bitchy

I'm drawing a blank....what should I ask you? Vista
ask me about my dad forcing me to take the one thing i learnt in highschool that i have used almost every day since... typing... yes on those old electric typewriters like my mom still uses... he forced me to take it in grade nine saying i would thank him later... yea so he was right... i took it and got over 90 in it even though i got bored and typed letters about the teacher being a vampire and sucking the life out of us students and one day while typing one she came and yanked the paper out of my typewriter and then yelled at me for what i was writing and demanded an apology repeating in her high voice "THIS ISN'T FUNNY! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"... but damn i do a lot of typing in a day

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
if you laugh real hard does piss come out of yours?

Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote?
so you can dazzle your pets with your 'magic powers'

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
getting hit with a gun hurts

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
they are LIARS

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
the world would end... cotton candy everywhere would turn orange and all books would be missing page 29

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
shiny

why do you rock my socks?
it's the tail baby

When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their ass?
they feel it... maybe lick it... sniff it...

Ya know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
go somewhere else until it tells you it's ok... or ship it away and have someone open it for you then return it

I've been seeing a lot of sock monkeys lately! Are you trying to take over the Earth or something? (Omuletzu)
yes but only to hand over to the cats

Why are people so greedy? (Omuletzu)
humans suck... they are greedy... inconsiderate... rude... small minded and bad drivers

Is working for an international multi-million dollar Miami-based fast food Burger company deemed a disgrace by your good self? Mr H
not if you spend your pay on antisocial items

Is Khia the girl who sings my neck my back Dead it is a rumor?
hell no... ask the green rock and it will show you the way

Should I fear the hooded figures that gather round my house at night? FartMonkey
yes... yes you should

If you pull your tail up front between your legs can you use it like a penis? FartMonkey
yes have you not seen my porn page?

Please explain why the hell 'head over heels' is a valid expression? If I am built like everyone else, my heels are down there and my head is up here so aren't we all head over heels all the time except possibly freaks doing yoga?FartMonkey
it is due to people being stupid and tumbling into things without thinking... at least that's how i take head over heels... a tumbling into a deep pit sorta thing

I went TO crazy LAND and I ate IT all AND the GUY came OUT and BEAT me WITH a STICK and THEN i ATE him TOO and JUST then I got THIS craving FOR celery WHAT the HELL was THE point OF this STORY ????
there was no point and you get no points for sharing that with us

How did you get to be so fabulous?
its the tail and my cheery outlook on life

How long have you been a vegetarian?
about a year and a half

People suck so hard that the G force of their collective sucking is about to rip my face off and flush it into oblivion. What kind of cream or strap-on restraint do you, personally, recommend to prevent this from happening?
nothing will prevent it... it will just make it take longer... and i use yarn

Do you realize how much joy you bring to my shriveled, little, misanthropic heart? Naturally, only so much fits but, thanks for your contribution.
how about you send me gifts to thank me? or send me little poems about your table... oh no wait that would suck... little poems are annoying

Is it wrong to put a hamster in the microwave? I'm just keeping the little fella warm!!!
yes it is

George W. Bush vs Bill Clinton in a fight. Who would win?
neither they would just yip about fucking nothing cuz both would be too scared to fight...

Where art thou, Romeo? FartMonkey
dead

I believe I am a sock monkey for good. I have been one for 49 hours without any change. My cats seem to like me a lot more this way. Normally they just come for food then wander off for hours. Now they stick close to me. They really are anti-human! I have three of them. Their names are Randy and Cody. Can you foretell their position in the cat-world of the near future? Will my treatment be less horrible in any way since I am a sock monkey and not a human now? FartMonkey
yes they are... sock monkeys are the cats friends so things will be much better

My head came off and started biting me in the ass .Is this normal? FartMonkey
well not really but there's nothing you can do

Do you also feel murderous rage towards people who severely overuse commas? A comma is not necessary between every lousy word!!FartMonkey
yes, i do, though sometimes i wonder, is it all really ok? i'll go hide in the dunes by the seaside

do you like sabby?you know sabby hes that german wrestler who sing constantly and spends all day on the computer?God...he pisses me off...HES the dude that hangs with homestar...
no i don't like wrestling

If you stuff gum up your ass and fart, can you blow a big bubble?
i haven't tried... can YOU?

Why don't you remove the part under the logo , 'Where insanity runs rampant and so can you'? It gives the feel of one of those stupid ameture sites where they are trying so hard to be funny but its not. This is a great site, and I feel that it does not belong? How about 'No sanity beyond this point'?
how about you just stop trying to be bossy... i think you're right so i'll bring it up with jcp but that doesn't mean that you people can start giving us 'tips' all the time

By John said Paul to George Where'd my Ringo?
<sound of me bitch slapping you>

Why does...naah, don't bother, just delete this one, OK? FartMonkey
what? oh yea ok i will

Why is it difficult to urinate after masturbation?FartMonkey
bodies are strange things

Instead of creating a whole lotta pollution and oil spills and all that, why don't they just make a gigantic boat that runs on baking soda like the ones you stumble upon in cereal boxes? FartMonkey
good idea.. you make plans for those kind of ships and then build them and make lots of money

In the page that you go to after submitting a question, there are the four pictures of you. The two on the left are staring to the right and the two to the right are staring to the left. Is there an invisible being in the center that only you can see? FartMonkey
i can't tell you... if you can't see it then you never will

Was that a threat? FartMonkey
yes

To pee, or not to pee? FartMonkey
i say pee but not in the plants...

Why don't you add to your list of people/things that suck: Elvis impersonators- graduation ceremonies wherein you have to wait to clap for your person, whose last name is Zygren-infomercials where they WILL NOT tell you the price-Regis Philbin/the Millionaire show -shelves of decorative boulders crashing down upon you? FartMonkey
how about you send them in once we have my.theinsanedomain.com set up

I know all to well that birds are capable of depositing fecal matter anywhere, but do birds urinate? If they do, where is the evidence? Huh??FartMonkey
they just release their shit.. it contains all their excess stuff but i don't think birds 'drink' like we do to produce urine

Do you wish that this question were not here because you have a headache or a hangover and there are just so many damn questions to answer? Just be a good sock monkey and delete it, huh? That's better.. FartMonkey
there were over a hundred questions to answer... OVER A HUNDRED... my shoulder is sore now

So, when we all get mesmerized by this question and answer pendulum, the cats sneak right up onto the keyboard and trample out the transefer of all human assets to their Liberation Front Treasury and then ASufgewuguiqde49994uuu23u@999999 99 w, righihttrrrrii iigth?, rrr rt!?! he llplp elpp ?
the cats will bury you alive in the kitty litter mines to die a slow death

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Is the future ours to see? FartMonkey
whatever will be... will be...

Dude, where IS my car? FartMonkey
ok i'm going to hunt your sorry ass down and beat you in a non-fun way

Does the monkey head logo signify that sock monkeys do have teeth? Or is that a non-sock monkey? FartMonkey
that is just a crazy monkey not a sock monkey... if you've seen both naked you'll understand

You know how I said that FrogBladder was my sister? Well it was me...I just thought it was stupid, and I greatly preferred Fart Monkey..can you forgive me? Also I just discovered that I got a good question award for the What If, so thanks for that. FartMonkey
so you're lying now? i see how this is... you better clutch that award tight while you sleep

What is the name for the little thing above your lip and below your nose? FartMonkey
flesh

Am I getting warmer or colder?FartMonkey
colder

Why the hell should I keep sucking up to you?You're a fuckin asshole. -Mzebonga
it's the drugs i've secretly been putting in my emails to you... you are addicted and there is no way out

I suspect that my cat Randy is posessed by Ralph Wiggum from the Simpsons. What should I do to tell for sure? FartMonkey
ask him

I just realized something, tell me if you agree! Guns do not kill people, you just happen to spontaneously combust when you pull the trigger! Nobody has ever witnessed the effects of firing a gun! Everybody involved combusts! Im way in over my head FartMonkey
yes you are ... i say stick to the jello shapes

What is the purpose of those little things people put on their desks to look smart? Those things with the metal balls that bang against eachother in a rythmic fashion? Are those just there to irritate me? FartMonkey
it is there to distract you from their stupidity... or to distract the stupid from bugging them

There are you happy now?FartMonkey
no i'm getting cranky actually

Can you list all the cuss words for me? The ones I already know are ass, fuck, bitch, damn, bastard, hell sometimes.
no get your own

What would you actually do to sanimal if torture and death was legal? Here, pretend Im sanimal. What would you say? What would you do? FartMonkey
i'd say nothing just slit your throat open and watch as you bled to death... i don't demand anything more

Where shall I go? What shall I do? FartMonkey
go to the bank... get money and send it to me for answering all these questions

Did you know there is this guy who can make detailed sculptures of animals out of chewing gum, using only his teeth and tongue? - SiNiSTaR
sounds like he has found his unique skill

How do you tell someone that they have excessive ear wax? - SiNSTaR
you have to yell it.. otherwise they won't hear you... maybe email them about it

if a person has a hundred piercings in their head/face alone, does that make them a sponge?
no... if they absorb a lot of water quickly then yes

For snail mail, will you accept lots of colored paper and shiny things instead of five dollars? FartMonkey
yes but you won't get anything sent back to you

what should i do when a pervert on the street says to me "wow, what big breasts!"? shall i just walk off, or say something to him? this has happened a few times and once i asked the guy to watch his mouth...was that the right thing to do? - SiNiSTaR
say 'yea... and before the operation i was a man too.' or 'you say that once more and i'll have you charged' or 'shut the fuck up santa i told you i'm not sitting on your knee anymore' or light off fireworks into his face

Well, mister! You have got a LOT of explaining to do! Well? What do you have to say for yourself? And no more of that 'I was under a curse' shit!
the cows told me to do it...

why do people like pigeons so much? i fucking hate them and want them to DIE!!! - SiNiSTaR
i don't know anyone who likes them

Sanimal has not answered questions since May 25. Tell me the truth. I can take it. Is he dead? No?Dammit. PUT THE BEER AWAY GUYS!!! FartMonkey
we're not that lucky... and he doesn't answer them because he sucks

Why? Why? WHY did she cut off their tails with a carving knife? FartMonkey
she is mean

Whats a hymen!
that thing that is there for some reason and then it goes away

Can I rub your tail? Let me rub it and you can have a nice shiny quarter! FartMonkey
yes and send me the quarter

Does deja vu mean you did the exact same thing in some other life? Speaking of former lives, i think its obvious that Al Gore was, at some point, a slab of Formica. FartMonkey
no and he was a small small rock

if you could take the limbs/organs of 5 people to a desert island, what would the organs/limbs be, from who, and why? - Beck
i'd take the organs of vegetarians and eat them

How to make chew sticks for humens ?
it's called chewing gum

Is blood opaque? FartMonkey
i find that it's mostly an illusion... like those things in the skies that shoot stuff but then when it hits you there is nothing and there you are just standing there like a fool

Would you describe some critical disappointments in life that led to your current level of Mastery in Despair?
well my birth was particularily disappointing... i was expecting more somehow... then there was school and humans just suck so that was a let down... then i moved out and that's fine but there's all this cleaning to be done... i mean who has time to do dishes more then once a month?

Why does everything take so stinking long to load? FartMonkey
well that all depends... perhaps your brain processes things slower then you'd like... perhaps your internet connection sucks... perhaps you're downloading large pages like some of those at this site... either way i say you get some socks that can show you 'the way'

Please explain how you vomit and what causes it, excluding the sight of Britney Spears, Sanimal, etc. FartMonkey
well everything just sorta seizes up and shoots out anything in me that shouldn't be... the main cause of this would be alcohol... besides this stress can cause it... bad cheese... cat food...

How come I got so many stinky monkey ass awards? FartMonkey
well you see when a bunch of questions are asked and a bunch of them suck you tend to get those awards... i mean i had to sit there for over a fucking hour answering them so you just deal with it

On the link to this part of the site it says "go to the form and ask away until your keyboard breaks..." Don't you mean forum?
no i mean the form in which you fill out... a forum would mean that i let you people post directly

What's my real name? - Waxter
halkor

Why is it that sports personalities are always put on those stupid ads? It's so annoying! I mean, sure, they may be great at what they do, and whatching them play football or tennis or whatever may be a good passtime, but do they really have to be broadcast all around the world endorsing stupid products in stupid ads? Why can't we keep people in the feild they specialise in? - Waxter
they sell out to the highest bidder... they are commercial whores and i say boycot those companies...

if there was a man who lived in a shoe, how big would the shoe be? -Bearded-
well that all depends on how large the man was, how much stuff he had... if he had a lot of money to afford an expensive shoe... either way i think solar power is the way to go

do you like me? -Bearded-
well i'm not a fan of beards so i'd say no

i know im new. but there's something about you that just makes me come back. it's like pickled ginger. -Bearded-
this isn't a question... since you're new i'll help you out... in this section of the website you ask questions and i answer them... in other parts you just sit there and read... other parts you can look at things while touching yourself... either way there is a lot of red and black... now next time you have no reason not to ask a question

why is it some people dont open their eyes fully? they sort of have this half-open, half-closed look. doesn't that scare you a little? -Bearded-
sometimes... other times i slap them and scream "you damn maylar! get off this planet!" and since i've foiled their plans (they say 'damn sock monkey... foiled my plans.') they shoot off into space with my umbrella and so i stand there in the rain getting soaked

when will we ever stop seeking knowledge? -Bearded-
many people never start this search... but hopefully i won't stop until i'm dead... there is no point if you're not learning anything

why is it that rabbit poop smells worse than chicken poop?-Bearded-
rabbits eat better stuff... chickens are fed really nasty things (then you eat them and eat it too) but anyways rabbits do it on purpose to piss you off

if you are constantly hanging around people who are seemingly insane, does that make you insane too? -Bearded-
no that makes you the designated sane person who is responsible for bringing enough underwear for everyone

how do you cure an hungover cow? i meant a hungover cow...-bearded-
well cows don't get drunk... but for those that are posing as cows... i'd suggest a toothpick

how many sock monkeys are there on earth now? -Bearded-
i can't tell you that... partly because i don't want to and partly because of that offensive yellow color in that painting over the couch

if there are three pom pom girls dancing outside my room, does that mean that your last night with me has side effects? -Bearded-
yes of course... that and the sofa cushions that seem to be hovering by your door

do you have anything against gay people?
i have something against everyone in general... but no specific 'anything' towards gay people... for those that haven't noticed this about me... i dislike humans... i don't care what body color they are... what crap that goes on in their heads or anything unless they inflict it upon me in some way... i find individual reasons to hate individual people...

I'm out of toothpaste. Is it socially acceptable to use ground up Mentos as a tooth-care substitute? -Skittles
well i haven't asked anyone that to see if it's socially acceptable but society sucks so do what you want... but don't buy mentos their commercials make me want to hurt myself... find another mint

If you could rape anyone on this planet, and not get found out... A) would you rape anyone? and 2) if so, who would you rape? - Fido Dido
no i wouldn't i think rape is among the highest degrees of stupidity for humanity... anyone who does rape should be tortured slowly to death... there are billions of people on the planet and i'm sure that there is SOMEONE out there willing to fuck you instead of forcing someone

I asked you more questions than that... This damn form keeps eating my questions... Or is it that you just don't like me? - Fido Dido
perhaps you're not asking questions? perhaps you're not typing them in properly? why not just type a bunch in at once... just add - Fido Dido to the end of each one...

What are dog fart sluts?
i'm not sure but i'm sure it wouldn't smell very good

Those Sock Monkey Stories.. they bring a tear to my eye... I think I'm gonna cry now.. can I have a hug? - Fido Dido
ok but don't be touching my tail unless i say it's ok to

What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me? - BPD
well if you like the dolphin then go ahead... but otherwise i'd suggest using the 'let's be just friends' speach

How do you describe colors to a blind man?
you can't if he has been blind since birth... or if he doesn't have recollection of ever seeing them

is blowing your load on a womans face nesseccery? even if she doesnt know its coming.....lol?
if she doesn't mind then why should you? perhaps she doesn't want it in her mouth...

If you had a choice to either 1: kill all of your enimies or 2: Horribly embarrass them infront of a crowd whitch would you choose?
to truly satisfy me i'd want their existance removed... but if forced to choose i'd choose death...

who do drive thru windows at banks have briale on the buttons? And dont say so they can walk thru cuz ive never seen a person walk up to the bank window. not a blind man any ways
i have answered this before... and i know everyone thinks this is a witty question but let's face it... the 'drive through bank makers' just make these things for the majority of it's use and that would be those that you walk to... and since they are being correct in having braille on it that is how the buttons are made... so why would they take the extra time and money to NOT have them on some of them? it just wouldn't be cost effective...

how come there is a page for good questions? us manic depressive fish who constantly get monkey butt awards deserve some credit. i think u should make a page with just monkey butt awards. and put this question on top.
if you send me money to answer your stupid questions then i will... but i am not going to give you people who get stinky butt awards a special page... those questions suck enough as it is

my leprauchan wants to meet you. he says he likes sock monkeys. do u want my leprauchan?
well i'd have to meet it first...

What are the vaguely round-shaped red marshmallows in Lucky Charms supposed to be? FartMonkey
i think they are balloons? i have no idea cuz i don't eat that shit... ever since that whole 'yellow moon' incident things just haven't been the same between us

Do you know SG* aka Sex God?
no i don't

What ever happend to Vanilla Ice? - BPD
no idea.. probably off thinking 'damn i shouldn't have spent all my money on bullshit cuz i was a one hit wonder and i'll never see that kinda money again'

Why do I hate children, and people in general?
children are annoying because they are brought up by people in general and those people generally suck

why are we here almighty sock monkey??morbidly_psychotic
to live then die...

it's 12:29am on technically monday (by 29mins).. what do i watch on tv? -Miss Roger's Sweater
voyager... undergrads... quads... whatever is on

I keep forgetting to come here and ask you questions.. is my memory failing me cuz of my old age? - Miss Roger's Sweater
yes it is... and you've grown tired of my tail haven't you... just because i let you touch it too much.. i knew this would happen

McDiablo is back from her trip.. how cool is that? - Miss Roger's Sweater
cool but would be very cool if you gave me some ice cream

I just looked to my left.. there's a slurpee cup with melted slurpee in it and in front of it is a bottle of tacky glue.. which do i drink? - Slur-peed Kid
if the tacky glue is chilled then i'd go for that... if not i say you mix them together

i'm building a (actual size) guitar out of popsicle sticks.. is it about time for me to get out of the house and finally find myself a job? - Miss Roger's Sweater
i would have to say yes... but only to finance your guitar making hobby

why is it my car is making funny noises? -Bearded-
turn down the damn stereo

what kind of jobs have you had?
factory... IT office job... computer retail store manager... accounting... website designer... technical support

do all birds have feathers? -Bearded-
no but some feathers somehow find birds and poke into them

if one day i woke up and i was no longer the person i was and have no idea who i will be, what does that make me and how will i ever find out? -Bearded-
you will always be you and just adapt when the body changes... i was a daisy for a week once

why is it when it comes to a point where i'd have to choose to feel depressed or feel happy i choose depression? is it because it's so much easier to feel sad and involves much more effort to be perky? -Bearded-
it's easier to do nothing then something... and if you're not perky then fine don't fake it... i say you send me some money... maybe a few stories and we'll both feel better but not 'normal' cuz 'normal' sucks

Have you ever been to the land of the Lampoolachunks? Mr H.
no but i've heard good things

If North is South and East is West and West is East and South is North..what is 2+2? Richard
it's a cooler full of stinky water from a camping trip taken a few weeks ago

What is THAT? Richard
it's that thing i did that one time but it didn't work out so i slapped some black paint on it

Are you a Mr. Darcy or a Mr. Collins? Richard
i have no idea what you're talking about but i'm a dc the sock monkey

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a...?????????? Richard
it's a cloud.. i'm not going through this again with you...

Why do I have a headache? Where is the Advil? McDiablo
it's all those books you've been 'scratching and sniffing'... and i ate them

Who's on first? What's on second? I Don't know is on third?? McDiablo
i say everyone should get the hell off the field... start a bake sale or something useful

What is that flashing orange thing at the bottom of my screen? Aliens? Bill Gates spying on me?? McDiablo
a bit of both actually

Do you enjoy rasberries or any delisous fruits? If so, do you enjoy them frozen, dry, juicy, wet, smushed, gooey or hard? I enjoy mine wet and juicy and sometimes frozen...;)-kkkkeeelllllyyyy
i like raspberries... strawberries.. peaches... some oranges... pineapple... cantaloupe and honeydew melons are good... watermellons... fresh of course for all... i can handle blueberries only if they are baked into muffins or something... i like green seedless grapes but hate the purple grapes... frozen bannanas are ok...

Are shoes really just a cast of dead frozen peoples feet? and each 'shoe making place' has one dead frozen person for each size? If so, Do you know any place i could give my body to after im dead...please, Im a very strong beliver that feet should be hiden from the world... hideous things...-kkkeleeelkeleklYY
yes they are and simply fill out the proper information the next time you get your liscene renewed (or when you get it depending on your age)

Why must my butt jiggle so loudly?actually, why must my butt jiggle at all?????-GooChy
well if you stopped wearing those bell outfits then the jiggling would be less loud... and if you don't like it bike everywhere instead of walking...

If you are infact a demons child.. Does that mean satan is an sockmonkey? (sorry if you have recieved this question before.. best i could think of...please dont shout at me...)-kkkkellekelkYY
no because i'd have to believe in a god to believe in a devil... and it's just a nickname of course... my real name is 'Ruler of the Sock Monkey Tribe from planet 2821'

Have you gotten a death threat in your snail mail yet? If so, I'd take it serious..If i were yOU!~!!!!hhahahahrhahharshghahHAGFHHEHAHFhrhAAHAHA..HWAW..ooo
no i haven't and i checked today... you might want to send another one

dont i have the most cutest laugh?
i'm going to go with no

you know any GOOF sites?
no idea what you're talking about

How was your Canada Day?-Feckur
it was hot... i sweated a whole lot for my country

Ever been employed?-Feckur
yes and i currently am employeed

What about me? Sally
what about you? oh i see.. here i'm sorry i didn't notice your glass was empty

I'm one of the lucky ones ,I got out right? Sally
of course... escape is not for everyone

Do you have a girlfriend yet?
do stalkers count? if so then yes

You lost your virginity at 16 are you mad?
i wasn't at the time... and i'm ok with it now so no... no madness here

Hows my sweetheart ana going? Tell ana her aussie pussycat friends angelina and jengo are great and are always upto mischief. Also when is ana doing another photoshoot and has she been up to any mischief? Sally
ana is laying in the sun at the moment on her back... she is asleep and very happy... she was ripping up tissue paper the other day... went out on the porch for awhile... general cat things... bitched at me... when she wakes i will inform her about your cats... she is jealous because they have a big home to run around in while she's in an apartment! perhaps she will do a photoshoot soon... i will be sure to send you any pictures from it even if it doesn't go online

Do you take money orders for the insane snail mail?
of course

was it wrong of me to laugh when i watched the exorcist? all my friends looked at me like i was nuts, i'm sorry i do not find it scary i just think it's funny, what with all the jesus-fucking and pissing and vomiting... - SiNiSTaR
no if you thought it was funny then laugh... it was funny

you know, i checked out those 'hanz files' MP3s and i must say there's at least i don't know, 2 or 3 songs that sound the same, and then i can barely hear what the fuckers are saying! all i heard was 'you're a bastard, you're a bastard'. what's the fucking deal here? - SiNiSTaR
haha it's INSANITY... each time you listen you'll hear something you didn't before and go 'what the fuck?'

aahhh..i...ahhh i am ehh hee hee i'm going crazeee...hee...i need ahh...i need football... where's the fucking FA cup... shiitt...where's the freaking spanish football... feed me...feed...ahh, feed me. Please? - SiNiSTaR
there is no such thing as Kroslarsriwels

any good books you can recommend? I am in the mood for some reading, baby. - SiNiSTaR
well i've been reading DUNE but beyond that then anything asimov wrote if you like scifi.... douglas adams always rocks

what shall i eat for dinner? i can't think of anything and i am not too hungry i just dont wanna wake up in the middle of the night with a hankering for a hot tub or something... - SiNiSTaR
i want pizza damnit... and one of those kiddie pools in my livingroom so i can sit in it while i watch tv and have my pizza

What do you do if you can't laugh with or at them, because they have absolutely no discernable sense of humor, not even a shitty, simple one that a young adolescent might have or a vegetative scrap of one that might be found in a greeting card, --and you work with them, and quitting your job isn't immediately realistic? I could laugh "at" them at first but, really, it's just not funny anymore.
get a different job... then you don't have to deal with those people... if not then start using a puppet to talk to them... they'll leave you alone then

what if you are truly insane to the point where you can't read your rules? some bitch
well then i'd be too busy chewing on the keys from my keyboard to care

what is the meaning of life? some bitch
to live and die... and of course... 42

will you give me directions to your house? some bitch
ask that chick that follows me all the time

cn two men's cocks enter a pussy at the same time and explode to gether?
i'm sure it's been done

What did you do this past Canada Day? McDiablo
sweated... hung out with some people... sweated

Miss Roger's Sweater and I are up at 9am...this is a normal occurance for me, but for her it's tough. What should I do to wake her up? McDiablo
coffee... a bitch slap... a puppet show... a stirring rendition of 'twinkle twinkle little star'

I am going on a hike today. Seeing that I don't enjoy hiking all that much, what can I do to take my mind off of it? McDiablo
get something to distract you... like beer or pot and just enjoy being drunk or high while tumbling over rocks and into trees

Why is Aunt Flo such a bitch?? McDiablo
just be happy she only visits once a month

The next 20 hours from when? - Mzebonga
from when i typed it.. but since you don't know when that was it's great cuz there is no way to verify that information in any usuable way... why not just say 'to be updated soon'? or something... well that would be too easy now wouldn't it

Do you like orgy?i like orgy...
yes actually

Does your tail turn you on?it turn me and lotsa people on..hehehe
yes it does and you can touch it if you'd like

How long can you play with your balls for?
well that all depends on what type of balls i'm playing with... those big bouncy ones are amusing for awhile while those small super bouncy ones are kind of annoying and i can't resist just whipping them at someone

if a girl walked up to you on mainstreet threw you down and started fucking you would you yell rape???
no i'd pry her off of me... ask her a few questions to determine if she's diseased or not and then decide what to do from there... i'd let her rub my tail for sure though

Well my cats have done a photo shoot and when I get them delveloped would you like to see them? Sally
sure your cats are cool

I just wanted to let Bearded know that we all have this obsession with DC but he can get over it with lots of help from red jubies and being tied to chair, right DC?Sally
of course... oh and some tv shows on ways the world will end

Do you know who your stalker is? Its not me honest. Sally
well i know of one of them...

where's my hand?SG*
down your pants and that's ok with me

Are you ready for the riots and the looting?
i've always been ready but i'd be getting rid of stuff instead of looting...

I didn't ask the orgiganal Orgy question, but you so rock for likeing Orgy, they're my favorite. What's you'r favorite Orgy song? -Sparkle Pixie
hmmm i don't know but right now Eva is playing... i like that song

I hate Deadsy or however the fuck they spell their name (Fun fact: I'm drunk weeeeeeeeeeeee). They sound like Orgy but with fuckin crappy lyrics. I hate it when bands turn origelality into a formula. what do you think of them? - Sparkle Pixie (ps: I sooo can't spell right now)
i had a few of their mp3s but deleted them... i don't like them

well actually i don't have a beard. so now do you like me? -Bearded-
if you rub my tail and promise not to grow a beard then yes

i heard this question before and i was stumped. will you answer it seriously? please? "if ignorence is bliss, then why do we seek knowledge?"
well it's not truly bliss... humans are curious by nature and bliss can be quickly turned into hell...

How do I get the Siamese cat to stop howling at my cat from outside at 7 in the morning?
well my parents put their cats in the laundry room at night (with blankets, kitty litter, water/food dish, nightlight) so that they don't run around or cry at night... perhaps you should try that... siamese cat cries are LOUD and annoying...

I know lotsa people w/ blue eyes. i HATE them all. Why??????? some bitch
its the smell

do you have any brothers? what are their names? some bitch
i have herbert... and a few other brothers and sisters...

i cut my hand with a piece of glass and i couldn't stop looking at it until it stopped bleeding. Why do I have an obbsession w/ blood? what should I do about it? some bitch
it's the cool red color... i say collect it in a jar and seal it up so you can always look at it

Why are there so many anti-depressants for sale on TV?
they are trying to convince you that everyone should be happy and instead of making changes in your life you can just pop a pill and somehow that is different then taking pot or some other drug because it comes in a nice little package... only those with chemical inbalances should be taking that stuff... the rest of the population taking that should FIX their problems instead of just hiding the symptoms with chemicals

Why does dried blood look like chocolate milk? -Sammy
i'm not aware of it doing that

Do you agree with this? "Only stupid people breed, because they have nothing better to do." Because it REALLY seems to be the case, at least around here with the stupid little kids always running around...
not ONLY stupid people breed but MOST stupid people do the breeding... they do it because they don't think that maybe they should have their life in order or have something to offer the kids before breeding... don't get me started on this because MOSTLY the wrong people are breeding and don't treat their kids right then wonder why 'society' is going to hell

i want to kill my cousin. should i be worried about my mental health? or should i only be worried when i actually kill him? some bitch
i say just ignore/avoid until it's too much... i'd be worried when all the paintings you see start to look like him

can you please send me a e-mail with picture of you bottum
hell no look at it here

If you can't beat them, but don't want to join them, what should you do? - Waxter
leave them in a pool of lava

When heading towards or out of a seat at a stadium or cinema, is it proper to walk past the other people presenting to them your crotch or your ass? - Waxter
depends on how cute they are and if they look 'receptive'... i slap everyone's face with my tail

Have you or any other sock monkey had their tail cut off and had to sew it back on?And how?-Skittles
yes my brother herbert did but he's ok now

when will khia lyrics for her album "thugmisses" be available ?
next week but then again i'm lying

why hasn't T.I. made a video yet ?
who what? nevermind i don't care

They're quick, but am I much faster? McDiablo
mostly except for that time you were having issues with gravity

The Warped Tour message board is down. I am absolutely addicted to that board...what should I do now? McDiablo
i say you write stories about your time with the board and read this site until it's back online

Speaking of Warped Tour, I was planning on wearing clothes to it...should I go for it or just go without wearing any? McDiablo
well make sure you wear underwear... CLEAN underwear or your mom will be terribly embarrased if you get in an accident

You and Kermit were getting down and maybe even dirty in those pictures...are you guys just friends? McDiablo
yes we're just fuck friends... he's easy and green

Wouldn't it be Loverly?
oh ever so

Promoting insaity appears to be a satisfying occupation; however, one wonders if you would find it more rewarding too apply your richly developed B.Sing skills in the field of politics? - Richard
politics is too insane and contains mostly lies... i prefer to stay away... however if you vote for me i'll send you a cookie

Truth or Dare? - R
truth... at least that way i won't end up naked in the streets singing 'for he's a jolly good fellow'

What do you think of the show "trading spaces"?-Berpee
as if i know what you're talking about... but if i did then i'd say that doug is a stupid fuck and i'd kill him if he even got close to my place...

What movie should i watch tonight? Any suggestions?-Berpee
pick from some of the movies listed here

why are kids run-on batteries?
if you stop feeding them they stop

Why is that if you sleep from 5am-10am people who sleep from 10pm-8am think you're lazy if they're lazy?
i don't know... everyone has different schedules and i say you tell those people to shut the hell up

whats ur favorite band? whats ur least favorite band...and would you sadisticly remove thier hearts if you could...speaking of nsnyc...
hmmm... favorite is hard to choose... my favorite vocalist is mike patton... i guess mr bungle is my favorite band... and since brittney and nsync don't count as bands because they play no instruments i would have to say that i dislike oasis the most... they should die screaming with sharp objects in their heads

my name is peace this is my hour, can i get just a little bit of power? - SiNiSTaR
um no enough of that

little brother, can you hear me? have a heart oh come get near me, misery is not my friend but i break before i bend. what i see is insanity. whatever happened to humanity? whatever happened to humanity? whatever happened to humanity? - SiNiSTaR
enough with whatever lyrics you're ripping off

what colour contacts would be cool? i don't wanna get anything too boring like blue or brown but i don't want anything too freakish like this neon green a guy i know wears... - SiNiSTaR
red is cool... or black... or a dark orange... better yet send your money to me

almighty DC... HAHAH!!! that made me fuckin' laugh.. but seriously, don't you think the sentence "woah, this shit is messed up son" is funny? - SiNiSTaR
no i don't actually

This isn't a juicy question but why does sound come out of your nose when you hum? Try this, hum while pinching your nostrils closed. You'll hear yourself humming for about a second. Then suddenly, Whammo.. The noise hits your closed nostrils. It goes back through your nose and whether or not it makes it past your throat depends on how well your nose hairs can keep sound from traveling. So if someone told you that they ate a song don't call them a fat liar because thery're not lying. They hummed every note to the song and it hust went back to their stomache. Instead, just make fun of them for having thin nostril hairs. Do you ever try to match the breathing pattern with the person sleeping next to you?
thanks for that info... and yes sometimes... other times i kick them and tell them to stop it

Iv'e read 2 of your 30 pages. I'm wondering why you allow questions such as "hey dc what's my question?" and rantings about cheese or any other obsessions that were funny in the 6th grade and the sixth grade only on your site. I can't really say that most of the qestions are stupid just that some of the ones I read have as much creativity as something with no creativity at all. I give you props for taking as many stupid questions as you do and then adding a very funny response . How long does it usually take you to come up with answers to our questions? Just for clearification, I'm not asking how long it takes you to respnd but how long, once you've read the question, does it take you to get an answer? Do you ever come up with two answers and don't know which to post? When I argue with myself I just have spitting contests with other people pretending to be my debating self to determine who's right. Anyone who has a spitting contest by themselves has no idea what they're missing. --hasvient
i usually spend a few seconds to a minute on an answer depending on how much of answer i think it deserves... i have indeed let a lot of shit on here but hey... i just type whatever comes into my head at the time right after i read the question...

why do so many people smoke pot? i mean it seems like everybody does it even people you dont think do it? why i think it's gross
i don't see a problem with it as long as people don't let it control their lives... same goes for drinking... if you choose not to then fine... if someone chooses to then fine... i'm more concerned with those doing hardcore shit like coke and herion cuz that can kill you... hell even smoking tobacco is worse

I wish you were a cigarette so I could puff on your butt and know one would notice. Is this a good thing to say to a very HOT girl to get her to talk to you? LubisKo
no cuz cigarettes suck... although being addicted to a hot chicks ass isn't that bad

Does everyone need a mother fucker? LubisKo
sometimes yes

Britany Spears, rope, car trunk, per dug hole, and no witnesses, need I say more? LubisKo
just tell me where and when

What does it mean when you go to piss and spiders come out instead of piss? LubisKo
it means something has gone horribly wrong

Why is it that sane people think that there better than use? LubisKo
they are stupid

Who do you think is the sexiest women ever? LubisKo
i don't know one to name but any chick who is smart, funny and doesn't do normal chick stuff like shopping, plaster on makeup and shit like that

Are you having a good day, week, month, year, decade? If not then why? If you dont want to tell me why in a public place, then you can email me at givemeallyourmoney@greedyfuckers.com and give me all your money because im sure you know that the love of money is the root of all evil and evil is why you maybe having a bad time lately and I like you to much to see you not doing good. Brought to you by your friends at Greedyfuckers.com -Lubisko
good day, ok week, ok month, shitty year, strange decade... and no YOU give me all YOUR money

I know its OK with you if I give you all my money, but is it OK with me? LubisKo
yes it is

Do I as to many questions? LubisKo
you need to improve the quality of your questions.. however i have seen much worse

If I told you liked you for your mind and not your body would you be offended? LubisKo
of course not... as long as you still rubbed my tail

If you had the chance to kill Barney in any way you wanted, how would you do it? LubisKo
i'd strangle the almighty purple pediphile

Is it wrong to kill cats in humorus ways? LubisKo
yes

Can a hermaphrodite be gay? LubisKo
yes

Which bathroom does a hermaphrodite use or do they have to go out back in the alley? LubisKo
well that depends on if they feel more female then male... or more male then female... or they alternate

i am currently watching "kindergarten cop" do i need to get a life? - Miss Roger's Sweater
yes... that is a BAD movie

my new favourite show is Undergrads, why do they keep putting "for better or worse" in their timeslot? - Miss Roger's Sweater
i know undergrads rocks and for better or worse is for middle aged women thinking back on 'the good old days' when they had brats at home

pepsi, mac and a cheese, hot dog, well balanced breakfast? - Miss Roger's Sweater
only if it's NOT kraft mac and cheese and they ARE veggie dogs

Lately i've been tired all the time.. i go to bed late, but i sleep in.. yet i'm still tired... what the heck is wrong with me? -Miss Roger's Sweater
maybe you're oversleeping... and maybe everyone is boring you so tell them to become more amusing

I am fiunally about to put my death to humanity plans into full swing. Should I target males or females first?--InsaneLane
i say alternate so it's done evenly but if you HAVE to choose then kill off the males first

does my retainer look like a clingon warship to you??? ~bobspenistassleholder
yes it does now that you mention it

i heard once that the stars are gods salt and hes just waiting to eat us? is it true? or will the sun get pissed off and eat us first? please i dont wanna die a virgin! Will somebody save us?? ~ bobspenistassleholder
no that is a pile of crap... except for the sun eating us one day.. that WILL happen

Is it wrong that I am drinking Pepsi even though I am a Coke lover? Vista
i say they are pretty much the same thing so forget them both and become addicted to coffee

Does red = sex? Vista
mostly yes

My tummy is making weird noises. What should I do to cure this? Vista
feed it some bread and cheese

If gold rusts, what will iron do? Richard
fly off forever leaving you alone and scared

Whoso list to hunt? Richard
brittney spears... any boy/girl band that doesn't play instruments... those reality show participants and viewers... anyone who thinks that those stupid 'marriage' shows are interesting... anyone who has ever been on jerry springer

Doth God exact day--labour light denied? Richard
what the hell are you going on about?

Between the emotion and the response falls the...........? Richard
thought... but not for everyone

I have been absent from here for a while, have you missed me DC? For a while I had what some people refer to as a "life." Also, where have they moved the articles written by guy with the Q name?--InsaneLane
qbryzan disappeared off the face of the planet and in the meantime we have removed the articles... they will reappear in the my.theinsanedomain.com once it opens and welcome back

If I, or anyone/thing else, destroys humanity, what being will evolve to take the humans place?--InsaneLane
the cats of course!

Where is the fungus amoung us?--InsaneLane
humans ARE the fungus

"How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" - P.K.
if this is all the creativity you can muster then i'd suggest not trying anymore

Considering that you have sucessfully articulated the minipulation of adolecent minds, do you honestly think that you can simply abandon there corupted little thoughts? Surely you do understand that privilage is accompanied by responsibility! Consider, that when a seed is planted, it will not pursumably turn out to be a rose without the compassionate attention of the gardener. Therefore, by abandoning your masses and denying them the rapid answers that the need in order to flourish, how is it that you sleep at night? - Word
well i dream a lot and a whole lot of money to stay home and answer each question as it's asked would help

For a good portion of this past academic year, the three guys that sat behind me in English class have called our teacher Richard. However, his real name is Tim! I approached my teacher inquring if I was abnormally slow and missed a joke. He proceeded to infrom me that he too was rather unsure about the origins of such a nickname. Following this he asked the three guys where such a name for him could have come from. Lacking verbal eloquence they ardently insisted that he simply looked like a 'Richard.' However, I have a curiosity that cannot be satisfied, so I made a commitment with myself that I should seek the turth behind this mystery. First, I took the initative too discover the actual meaning of the name 'Richard.' Astonished, I learned that 'Richard' is German for powerful ruler! Collapsed in hysterics, I also aknowledged that no indeed, this could not be so! Clearly, by appreiciating that my English teacher failed to assume an authoritative position on many issues throughout the year, I became enlightened. Obviously, the reckless behavior of the imature fellows that sat behind me prooved as an equally important revelation. You see, the endured toleration of my teacher in this situation allowed me to conclued that there was no way he was a powerful ruler. Therefore, I developed a theory that those boys where the very epitamy of saterical geniouses! Corroborating this theory is the evidence that they eagerly insisted that he 'looked like a Richard,' because D.C. you and I both know that the element of satire is exercised to promote change. Clearly, considering that he is an English teahcer, he would have to respect the motive of satire, and see that these boys were mocking him, he would then have to change the error in his ways, and therebye issue punishment. Naturally, I have come too realize that such exploration, and active particpation in B.S. is a gift. Therefore, considering that I am now proceeding to university and lack much direction, could you suggest a career where the application of B.S. is respectable?
congrats on finding the truth and i'd suggest going into politics as it is will be able to fully explore your skills... you might even be president or prime minister some day

aren't you getting crosseyed from reading and answering all these goddamn questions? - SiNiSTaR
yes actually ... perhaps i'll have to change a few things

why does 'i' come before 'e' except after 'c'? - SiNiSTaR
it's all lies and the english language is unnecessarily complicated

why do people only seem to call my cell phone when i'm driving? don't they know it's dangerous to drive while talking on the phone, for fuck's sake? - SiNiSTaR
exactly... i say you show them all by shutting it off while in the car

oh yeah, before i forget is it okay to drive and drink then? - SiNiSTaR
whenever you're done driving then drinking is ok

what do i do if i want to contract athlete's foot? any special procedures? - SiNiSTaR
wear the same socks until you get it... hang out with barefeet at local pool locker rooms

what do you call a drink that includes blended frog bits in it? - SiNiSTaR
frogger

do you think you'd have insane voicemail greetings for us in the future? - SiNiSTaR
perhaps... i'll put it on the list of ideas that jcp forces us to keep and then forces us to actually DO

I put three pairs of socks into my drawers.And the next day there were sock monkeys!Is there some kind of sock monkey faerie thing?-Skittles
yes...

"Why so pale and wan, fond lover?/Prithee, why so pale?" - Dick
anyways... we're gonna have another photo shoot for all the sock monkeys...

O mighty DC, when will the results for June's questionairres and what ifs be up? Thankyou for your time, O mighty DC - Fido Dido
they will be up shortly... at the latest on the weekend

DC, I am back I have been gone for a long time yes, I want to move back to Australia where i belong with my new American wife, is this a good decision? - dane
well how about you discuss it with her and then decide

did you miss me while i was gone DC you sock scrotum? - dane
only the scrotum part

I have a pimple thing actually under my eye lid should i go to the doctor to get some medicine? - dane
try 'popping' it first and if you can't then i guess you probably should see a doctor... if it turns out to be something that turns you into a hideious freak and you end up touring with a freak show i would like free tickets

When i move to australia should i give my pet rat to the lady who gave us the bird or one of my new brothers in law? - dane
i say you ask who w