ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhheeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllppppppppp me there are these 1ft monsters runing around my school and there armed with toothpics and there after me there trying 2 kill me what should i do?
First of all, DUCK.  Second of all, you are wasting time reading this site when you should be searching the internet for "Ways To Kill Things That Make No Sense".  Good luck and be strong.

do you have a hairy ass? do they have hairy-ass sock monkeys?
Not the last time I looked, and when sock monkeys get old, their butts get fuzzy and start to leak stuffing.

C'mon DC... what's in my "box"?!?!
Hmmm... no that's too obvious.... how about salsa?

My cat is crazy, first she plays and gives baths to two of my kitties, then all of the sudden, she starts scraching them and fighting with them for no reason.  What's up with that?
It's what cats do.  If you have a serious problem with blood stains after that, then I would suggest calling a vet.

I said you where an ass, are you to scare to answer?
Well let's see, your grasp of the English language isn't that great but I understand what you're trying to say.  Basically, the answer is "because I don't fucking care what you think", and yes, you may quote me.

do you love her madly?
I'm not falling for that one again... 

why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Night makes you fall asleep and when the day comes, you stumble out of bed and break things like your toes.

why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Because you're in more of a rush the slower you go.

why do we insist on calling it "chili" if it's hot?
I know there is a real reason so I don't want to make one up.

if cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
Perhaps, but we certainly wouldn't kiss them... ewwwww

if barbie's so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Cuz she's a slut and the company makes more money by selling accessories for the dolls, not the dolls themselves.  Therefore, the more Barbies and friends you get for her, the more likely you'll be wanting to buy more and more accessories, different types for the different 'friends'.  It's all a big money making ploy to get your children to suck the money out of your wallet.

if a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
Perhaps, but we all know they wear them to annoy the people they jog by.  They leave a waft of body odor and a blast of shitty music to remind us all how fat we're getting.

do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
OK... I'm suspicious... there is no WAY that this person isn't ripping these off of something... FESS UP FREAK.  Where are you stealing these from??? You better not steal my answers

are part time band leaders semiconductors?
When playing on a mountain on a lightning storm using a long metal rod as a wand, then yes.

why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, when dishwashing detergent is made with real lemon juice?
To FUCK with your head and see if you'll be stupid enough to eat it.

how can there be self help "GROUPS?"
Because alone you just go crazier.  Plus, it makes chair throwing more enjoyable.

why doesn't tarzan have a beard?
It's the only way he looks different then the monkeys and they don't try to butt fuck him.

how come wrong numbers are never busy?
They are, you just didn't know they were wrong.

what would you do if no one asked any questions anymore, but simply treated ASK DC as their own personal message board?
Well, I'd have to hunt them down and slowly torture them to death by playing Micheal Bolton.

i'm sick and i can't smoke or i'll get worse. what should i do? i hate all other tobacco products.
Hmmmmm... let me think hard here... oh... here's the answer, STOP FUCKING SMOKING MORON.  At least until you're better.

If i fed my dog a condom after every meal do you think it would shit in little plastic baggies for easy clean up?
If you try, I will have to hunt you down and try the same thing on you.  You could always save me a trip and just try it on yourself and tell me if it works.

mmmm mmmm mmmm... nothing like a little non-alchoholic beer and an allergic reaction to latex to keep your optimism up eh?
ew and ew.  both SUCK so SHUT UP

are you a buck futter? and you know what i'm talking about!!
I can honestly say that i have never put anything up anyones ass and that my ass is an out only.

what does a love monkey look like? any relation to a sock monkey?
pretty much... but a sock monkey is a monkey made of socks.

will we win our game tomorrow?
If you are the Maple Leafs... you damn well better.  If you are playing against them, NO.  If you are anyone else, how the hell would I know?  

no, we don't make out in the halls. and as for defining stalk, they follow us around, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes right behind us.
Perhaps you are too hot and they all get off watching you two.  They may think about you both late at night... imagining your lips on their body parts, licking and licking.  They are imagining your face looking up from below and smiling as you lick and suck.  Perhaps when they call your name in the hall, they do so in lust.  And when you look at them all annoyed and dangerous-like, they just burst inside and wet themselves.  Feel better? Now go look them in the eyes and give them a sultry smile....

Would you get up early just to go to a hillybilly cowsmellin goatblowin hick-loser shit sniffin teacher-bitchin school?  I don't know what keeps me going!
Well, getting up and saying that everyday would get annoying.  The fact that you'll get a shitty ass piece of paper might keep you going... and then going the hell out of that dump. Then you go back years later and rub their noses in their own shit.

we know of this girl who'r very bitchy and annoying. what is the best revenge to subject her to? we have limited resources, but at least we live right near her house.
Have a party on her lawn.  Better yet, have one on yours and invite everyone but her.  Make sure she's home sick so she has no choice but to watch and cry.

why do we have five toes on each foot?
Because all 10 on one foot would be too fun for the average person. Duh...

Do you know what i think?!?!  The so called television shows today really suck!  For us non-cable users there are a bunch of bull shit shows that go nowhere!  I must say the only shows that were good moved to cable.  I think those government people are trying to scam us, cheat us of our money and force us to get cable for quality shows.  What do you think we should do to those people?!?!
Well, we vote them in, notice they suck, rip them to shreds, then elect another fuck up.  What more can we do?

Would you be offended if i sold your body on the black market? If, so would you want it sold in pieces or as a whole?
Pieces.  So everyone can share in my death. Then I'd come back and kill each person who had a piece. 

Do you think that if i swallowed a gerbil it would squirm its way back out before it died?
Hmmm... if it clawed up, yes.  If it clawed down, no.

If you coyld be any color nail polish, what color would you be and why?
Black and clumpy so no one would buy me and plaster me on their nails and then pick their ass with me on them.

why to Penguins have wings...but cannot fly?
So they can waddle.  How stupid would they look without the wings???

Money.  Plenty of money.

why is it that you can never find a good killer for hire when you need one?
Because they are GOOD.

mmmm.... i love codine don't you?
Only in the winter, and always with elephants.

*moans in excruciating agony* why do i hurt so bad? i meant they only ripped my wisdom teeth out of my mouth.
Because they implanted a device in you so that they will know exactly where you are at all times.  That's what happens when you're a troubled kid.

i really HATE people to!!  Every single friend i have are back stabbing little bitches!  well the gurls that is.... the guys decide to befriend  me cuz of my boobs.. (go figure) What do you think we should to to all these idiots???
Chicks are really bad that way.  I've had enough of the back talking bitches.  Not all chicks are like that, but damn, the ones who are ruin it for everyone.

What is a muse?? I don't think I have those...
Try looking under your pillow.  If it's not there, check your ass.  Peer into your ass with a mirror, and after 5 mins you'll find it.

i want to become a psychiatrist some day, but my so called ' family ' says i have too many issues of my own, but wouldn't it really be one of those takes one to know one careers? and with so little family support how do they expect my condition to improve?......or is it just another conspiracy?
I think they are worried that you'll analyze them and they just aren't into it.  Perhaps they don't want to open up to you.  I think you should sit them down and figure out where this unwillingness to share stems from.  Perhaps they just need someone to talk to, and to finally say that they are ok.

why is it so hard to trust people these days? p.s. i feel pretty
Because people SUCK and there is NOTHING to trust about them.  All they want to do is whine and bitch and suck the very life out of you.  DON'T trust people. I don't know about you being pretty... i don't have any evidence either way.

I think the questions that earn the green head thingy are stupid!!  If any question deserves a "green head thingy" it should be this one!!  You know 99.9 percent of awards are not even deserved.  They are only a confirmation of who sucks dick the best!!  What do you think about bribery?
Well my answers to them ROCKED... or I just enjoyed the question due to it's creativity.  Perhaps you are just upset that you didn't get one?  It's ok... maybe someday you can suck dick good too!  As for bribery, you send money and I'll give you as many little green guys as you'd like.

all the teachers in my school stalk me and my girlfriend, and if we even TOUCH each other they jump all over us. they never care what the other couple's do, in fact they seem to ignore them. why are they all against us? we're not weird or anything like that, they're just really wary of us together. what should we do?
Define stalk... and maybe they just are upset about not being let in on the action.  The other reason... you might be part of that ugly couple that is always making out in the hall and it's making everyone else sexually repulsed.  Open your eyes next time and count how many people are gagging.

what dose "mind your p's and q's"mean?
It means don't leave your p's or q's lying around because the pointy ends might spear a stray animal.  Put them somewhere useful like "Hey buddy!  Go Piss somewhere else you drag Queen from Pissland".  

why cant people use commen sense!?now a days people seam to be too dam stupid to use it!example:this one kid got expeld or suspended,i cant remember,(because of zero tolorance)for writing "you sall die with honor"when his teaher told him to compose a fortune cookie message!i think this is dam funny,but apperently someone thougt it was a death thret!i say use commen sense and save Z.T. for severe CASES!!!dont you think?yours truly demonboy"_"
I think it was a GREAT fortune.  I would rather die with honor then to be hit by the 8:15 bus because the driver was giving himself a handjob.  Who over complained should RELAX and get a life.

If you could be someone else, besides you, which you is not what u wanna be. well if i were you i wouldnt want to be you, but who would you like to be?
Being me is somewhat amusing at the moment.  I wouldn't want to be anyone else because I hate everyone.  I would be me with much more money and able to work on this site when i wanted.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootie roll pop?
None.  You freeze it.  Then you smash it with a hammer to get the tootsie part out.  An easier way is to just buy the suckers, or buy the tootsie rolls.  Saves time.

DC what do u think about masturbation?
I think it's great when done properly while not drunk or in front of your parents.

whats the name of the town where the smurfs lived?

when are quotes gonna be updated? i just submitted a good one.
Tonight... FREAK

If you could eat your enemies, which one would you eat first?
I wouldn't eat them.  That'd be like eating shit.

What is your favorite body part and what do you like to do with it?
My mind.  I like to think with it.

you know that guy with the hair and the pants and he did that one thing once well he wants 2 know what he did and i know u were there b/c u were that other person with the hair and those pants  and u did that one thing with that other guy what was is god damn it ?
It's in that place where I put that thing that one time.

ok if the stuff in between our toes and toenails and it is called toejam why cant we eat it ?
Who says you can't?  Try it.

Hey, this is Acid, thanks for the review on the site, i glad its not awful, andyway my real concern is, i was going into the chat and noticed that there was someone else with the same handle as ,me, which is no real reason for worry, but they were claiming ot be me. what the hell?
We are working on that... but we threw the chat up to shut you people up... so someday it will be outlawed...

How do I become a friend?? There are a few questionaire type things to take, and, well, I DUNNO WHICH ONE!! --GK
You email us and ask for the right one.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because they want to feel like they fit in.   Either that or they are just dumb.

will you buy me a sock monkey?
Not unless you buy me two.

what did i do that for the first time ever i couldnt talk my way out of? i stole my own car which happens to belong to my parents and leave with a whole bunch of bad kids to down town dallas and go to a rave and now my parents think that i'm crazy and need counseling so their sending me to see a "person that will help me through those troubling teenage times" the only help i need is finding a killer for hire. HEY!!! know where i can get one? luv nikon. And i think i'm finally feeling the effects of my new remote control theory... do my breasts look smaller to you?
Well, go to the damn shrink because you can't do stupid ass things all your life.  Sure, rebelling can be fun, but it's only fun for so long before your ass goes to jail and you can't talk your way out of THAT.  Your breasts look fine... but i didn't see the before picture.

why is it that we can hunt animals but we cant hunt humans? after all arent humans concidered animals? dosent our population need to be thinned out too?
Indeed it does.  People should be sterilized so that more kids don't breed kids and suck our economy into the ground worse then it already is.

Telling them I'm a devil worshiper or homosexual wont work.  The guy who want to recruite me is Wicca, so he'll tell me my religion or sexual preference don't matter
Well first of all one is Wiccan, not Wicca.  In order to get out of it, make racist comments and then just say "fuck off i'm not joining your dumbass organization.  If you call me again I will consider it an invasion of privacy and will have to take legal action."

??????????????????????????????????? lotsa fucking question marks, are you happy now???? krispy kritter
No, there is no good question in front of them.

why won the law permit me to murder somone i dislike very very much? all i wanted to do was see what a 12 gauge would do to his head at point blank range....
Because if it allowed you to go do that... it would have to allow everyone around you to do it too.  And you can't shoot someone if you're already dead...

AS IF!!! does this room smell like air?
I wish it did... damn... that STINKS..

LIKE, if chimney was a color, don't you think it would be brick?
But then what color would brick be? Chimney?

When are we gonna get teh Y2K survey results?!?!
they are already up.. where the hell have you been?

you know, as much time as people spend in front of the Television, one of these days were gonna find out that remote control's give us Cancer or some disease that makes our breasts or balls shrink or swell (whichever seems apprapriate) and it's all gonna be one big FUCK YOU!!! from our bodies for being so damn lazy. what's your take ont eh situation?
I think you pretty much covered it... but there has to be a sock monkey somewhere!

DC what is your favorite sitcom?
I like 3rd rock from the sun.  They are fucked.

Dear, krispy kritter,
Your wonderful letter was enjoyable to read.  It didn't, however, contain any sort of question so it will not be posted.
Thank You.

if you can do away with any ONE person,who would it be?(i whant a name,no general stuff)
The person who is responsible for the public not knowing what is really going on.  That one key guy who keeps it hidden.

Damnit, I took this stupid test.  I didn't know it was a military test.  They only told us it was importan for us to take it.  So I took it, I scored a very high score.  Now, the army won't leave me alone.  I even told them to stop calling me, but they won't quit.  What should I do?  Oh yeah, I'm a girl, not a guy
Well, the answer is the same.  Tell them you are homosexual, or that you are a devil worshipper. Then hiss into the phone. 

What ever happened to your good question award??? ive noticed you have been skip'n that part  :-)
Well... it's been one of those times where stuff happens and then it doesn't and you don't paste things.

where the hell did that chat go?
Its new policy.  We add things and take them away at random.  Something could appear for an hour and that's it.  It's back for now.

DC do you hear voices b/c all the people i ask say they do...but I wanna make sure they just aren't trying to make me feel better about hearing voices in the middle of the night...oh yeah, and do you enjoy eating bananas?
I hear voices a lot.  They phone me, go on tv and even approach me in the bodies of friends.  Bananas are ok.  But not my favorite.

why are my parents sending me to a fuckin psychologist? 
Well what did you do that you couldn't talk you way out of???

why cant lihgt escape a black hole,given that lihgt dose not have any isotonic mass?
This one I would have to research... but to the best of my knowledge, a black hole is so dense that particles of light can not escape due to the incredible gravity. I can't get any more technical then this without research, however, some people believe that the other side of a black hole is an alternate universe, or that it can bring you back in time.

should size matter?
Depends on what you're talking about and what you're planning on doing with it.

you know i'd take your advice on the cooking... but if i make a big mess i clean up the big mess and get my ass yelled at. anythign else? luv nikon
But they would be upset about the kitchen now... and they'll hate you less that way.

are you sick of my bothering you?
I do not find YOU bothering ME.  Think about it and you'll know all about it.

DC..or not DC, that is the question????
The answer to give money to DC.

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