if i fell in the middle of a forest, with no-one around to hear me... would i die from excessive blood loss from a gash in my leg caused by falling on that damn bracken? hmmm!
Neither.  You would die from the silence of no one giving a shit.

i am studying the idea of starting a midget farm, i think this is a very good idea, i would be able to sell midgets to people that can aford a fair price, these midgets would be peerBreed cute midgets with cute pet names like "Fluffy" "Rover" and "Spot". people are often saying how cool it would be to have a midget, but the thought has accurd what would these people use these midgets for? "besides kinky sex" SIGNED: DeadRatMonkey
Midgets are great for kiddie pools.  They fit in there nicely.  Try it!  And sell the pools with them.  I'll take two.

have you seen anything on the internet about chemtrails, and have you seen any evidence of them in your area?
I have seen many ufos around here... but never on the Internet.  Oh wait... chemtrails... i have no comment.

Ok, DC, you used to be my hero, but then you had to go and insult my much bigger hero, Lars Ulrich, so I'm going to have to kill you now. That's right, I am coming to kill you and steal your cat and all your sock monkeys. How do you feel about that?
I think it's kinda amusing.  Sorry I had to diss him, but damn... why doesn't he shut up?  He should just play the drums like they pay him to. I'm waiting for you...

Humans are the only mammals with belly buttons. Why dont cats and dogs have belly buttons?
I've already answered this... I said that their cords were never cut off, and that that's what their tails are.  Because of this, they do not have belly buttons.

Dearest DC, What was your new years resolution? and what do you think of the word "spiffy", I have used this word for a long time, and now everyone seems to be saying it..everywhere, It made me quite paranoid, but now I'm just angry, everyone always criticized and laughed at poor spiffy, and now everyone loves it, and abuse it to fit in, when i hear them say it, i just want to punch them in the face, my mom said it the other day, and i actually drew my fist back, but she apologized, so could you please help me come up with a new, BETTER, adjective?
I don't make resolutions.  Spiffy is a damn spiffy word.  Hmm... I got called an 'old person' cuz I used it the other day.  Funkliscous is the word I use.... feel free to use it as well.

Why do chinese waiters and waitresses seem to be pissed off when I ask for chop sticks? They don't even give them to me, I have to get up and steal some.
Why not buy your own and take them around with you?  And they're just pissed cuz they don't know how to use them.

Have you seen any of the Aphex Twin videos like "come to daddy" or "window licker"?
No, and I've never heard of them.  I have however, heard Acid DC and it rocks.  Also, for those who like really strange and heavy shit... digital hardcore's Schizoid rocks... for those who need it... http://www.mp3.com/aciddc and http://www.schizoid.org 

I was gone last weekend and while I was gone my brother let 2 strangers have sex in MY bed! I'm sooo grossed out and pissed off. The strangers didn't even clean up their mess and left the used condoms all over the floor. I made my brother clean up the mess, but I'm still grossed out and very pissed off. What should I do? I can't even enjoy sleeping in my bed anymore without thinking about what those diseased crab infested strangers did. I feel violated. How could I get back at my brother?
Well I would switch beds with him, or make him buy you a new one.   If neither of those work, have sex in his bed, or at least leave the appearance of it.  Then paint everything he owns pink and slap NSYNC stickers all over his car (or school locker depending on his age).

how old am i?
about 'that' old.

why do we have sex?
probably cuz i told you i loved you... but i lied.

why am i addicted to this site? - love the new look by the way- i thought the hitch hikers guide to the universes books rocked - did you? rock, i mean.
because all good things are addictive.  glad you liked the look.  Yes, I just finished reading those books yesterday.  For once, I'm not bullshitting you... 

why is it that the game TETRIS is so fucking stupid, but yet so fucking adicting?? SINGED: DeadRatMonkey
I'm not sure... if I knew, I wouldn't have over thousands and thousands of lines done on my game boy... 

i had no idea that the dead puppys quote would be so important to this site when i submittedit awhile back.acctualy its the title of a song, dont know the bands name thats why i credited dr.demento. anyways why is it that people or at least most teenagers wont shut up about their sexual experiances.sometimes they say something cool but i only need to hear it once.did you know my girl friend calls me a slut? also why do i feel a bit uncomfterble if im not wearing at least 1 artical of black clothing?do you feel the same way?--db"_"
I don't recall you ever sending that quote in, but either way, it IS Dr. Demento that does that song, and that is why I gave HIM credit for it.  Teenagers don't shut up period, so the best way to handle the problem is to steer the conversation to something you can tolerate.   My monkey is a slut.  Black clothing is the only type that should be sold.  I always am wearing black.

Greetings,i shall get straight to the point.For what must be 5 years now i have been trying to destroy the universe.Sofar i have been thwarted in every attempt.I was wondering if you good people at insane domain could help ?
Certainly! Just start up a religion... and after everyone has joined, have them kill themselves.  Or buy up a McDonalds and continue what they're doing now... don't tell me that world domination isn't what they're after!

would you call me insane if i were to drink my on piss and sky dive with a bike at the same time? is love really so stupid that you have to buy it in a box from E-bay? does EVERY ONE really have a uncle Tom?-it sure seems so SIGNED: DeadRatMonkey
No, I'd call you stupid.  Yes.  I have two uncle toms.

Why do people seem to have to fit EVERY swear they can into a sentance (Damn-shit-yo-mother -fuckah')??
Because they have such a limited vocabulary that the only words they can think of are those.  If you taught them 10 new words, they'd forget all the swearing.  Next time someone does that, start spewing off different words to them until they either learn or go away.

Are you Jesus? Because I firmly believe that you r the messiah.
well i am... but i sure ain't jesus.  I am DC the insane messiah sock monkey.

Do you love me DC I still love you, you should have pictures of you guys on your site.
of course i love you... and by love i mean give me your money and i'll pretend to love you in public.  And i think there are a few pictures of us... maybe just one with jcp & poptart on it though... i'm not sure anymore but i'll be updating pictures soon anyways.  

the name of the band who who first sang "dead puppies" was the(drum roll please)......The ogden edsl wahalia bluse ensembe mondo bizzario band! dont belive me go to the dr.d web site go to to playlist aug.18 1996.and it was me that sent the quoet in i know my own bad spelling when i see it. anyways was the cyclops fighting the 5 headed monster until it cried? doyou ever wrap yourself up in plasic?i know i do:)boom boom and bye bye--db"_"
Good job jr. insane child.  Well, I did actually make the quote up while listening to it, but great minds think alike... and fools seldom differ.  Yes, the cyclops did cry, but the whole incident ended many years later on a talk show.  I have not wrapped myself in plastic, as i do not really like plastic.  I have wrapped myself in nothing and ran around though.  Frightened my poor cat.

no its not HIS song but he has sung it.i will find out who sang the song first.as far i know he just sings songs that are already out or he revamps them, like that shaving cream song.do you know wich one im talking about? anyways "love" that evidende of crying baby found it reminds me of the onion.www.theonion.com(you can delete this if you want to but i recommend you go there yourself)ive seen some smart people turn to stupid people why is it that they choose to become stupid people?stay freaky --db"_"
Ahhh... and here I thought it was his song... I have been LIED to by TV.  I'm glad you liked the crying baby... and smart people can become stupid people many different ways.  They could be very stupid in relationships, or just think they are so smart that they don't realize when they've veered off track.  Plus, TV is constantly trying to convince people to be stupid and to not think for themselves.

How come every time I heat up a chicken pot pie the middle of it is always fuckin cold!!?
because it has been designed to infururate the common people of the world.  the government is using you in an experiment... testing the limits of your frustration.  they are trying to figure out how humans think, so they can create robots to replace us.  stay away from those pot pies... and whatever you do... don't let them get to you.

should i really kill, kill, kill the poor tonight?
no way... kill the rich!  Start off with any owners of FOX tv... and anyone who is even thinking of watching the pathetic survivor rip off that is designed for stupid fuckers to watch and think "hey! Tempting someone to break up is a great thing... it's legal prostitution!"... then go to mcdonalds owners, and kill them.  Drop off the heads to bill gates, and go home.  Be sure to send us pictures.

When ever i go to visit my granny at the old folks home, i always have a panic attack, kick her face in with her own orthopedic shoes, and steal her Rascal and go to mexico to buy Velvet elvis paintings and crack, how can i stop this...i'm runing out of grandmas!...love beck
Well, I would suggest simply buying your grandma a computer, having it delivered and installed for her, and you two communicate through video.  That way you can still get money from her on your birthday, and you can always fake a computer glitch and ignore her for weeks..

that robot keeps stealing my sandwhich, how can i get him to stop?
make two sandwiches, give one to the robot to eat.  Ask it what type of sandwiches it likes to avoid beatings.

What is a wish bone mustace?
when the mustache is long enough for two people to grab an end and pull until the mans face splits in two.  If you have the biggest piece at the end, you get to eat his brains and make a wish.

when ever i eat alot of Shrooms and Cold Ez, i always see a 7 foot tall Mars bar by the name of Charles, well.....Charles and i are friends, how can i still visit my friends and not be wacked out?.......love Beck "may i check your prostate" marie
Well, you could try depriving yourself of sleep for days, or simply whacking yourself on the head until you do see them.

if you have no thumbs how do you hitchhike?---Monkey
Duh... I use my electronic thumb.
wow... 3 monkey butts... you better come up with some good questions next time to make up for this.

I stabed someone with a pen once, have you ever done that? I tried stabing my boyfriend with a french fried but he tried the same thing. Anywho, my question is, how can I stop this behavior? Or should I just give in to it and stab everyone I see... or only stupid people ~P.N.
I have been stabbed in the forehead with a pen by someone once... why would you stop?  Stabbing people with french fries is perfectly acceptable behavior.  You can stab stupid people with the crispy over cooked fries.

why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?---Monkey
This has already been answered somewhere here.  Get more original anyways...

if you stand on a toilet are you high on pot?---Monkey
No, you're some idiot on a toilet thinking about stupid things and you should have your head flushed down the toilet.

if huddle house is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week why does it have locked doors?---Monkey
I have already answered this too.

what custodial engineer hell is a sock monkey
A sock monkey is great for stopping drafts from coming under the door.

how come you bastards won't let anyone contribute to people that suck? Are you afraid I might say you?
No, it's because we don't have enough time to set up the forms, go through the info and put it online.  Plus, we're funnier then you.

How many of you here really have sock monkeys your not telling about?
Well I have quite a few... I have a girl one, a boy one, a small one, an even smaller one and a tree ornament one.  Who cares about anyone else?

if snickers really satisfies then why do they make king sizes??
Duh... the king size ones are for the kings... it satisfies them.  They are better then you and I.... didn't you know that?

are you a freak yourself

do you know who i am
no, and nor do I care!

would you happen to be in need of a massiah?
Absolutely not.  I take responsibility for my own actions... I don't need you to blame them on.... but thanks for the offer.

Are you gay? I'm not feeling very gay today, and I scared my cat. What do you do when you don't feel gay? ~P.N.
Well, I just watch all the Shirley Temple movies I can find and learn a few of the dances.  That always does the trick.

If trix are for kids, how come there aren't more pimps in kindergarden?
because bunnies are sick and twisted creatures... besides that... i don't know, kids suck.

Spam and jesus; are they really so different? Both hairy, neither is/was liked by Jews, they both come alive again a few days later, despite repeated pokings, and the majority of people only turn to them in complete desperation... I think I am onto something.... -spamgoose
well let's continue the comparisons... both are sold to the masses, you really don't want to know the truth about them, crazy people consume extensive amounts, and those who stay away from them are usually better off.  I think you are onto something.

i think my sock monkey is gay, what should i do?
Buy it another sock monkey.  Then send them both to me.  Plus, to me gay has two meanings, each completely different depending on how used.  
1.Gay.  A person who prefers the same sex as they are as a mate.  Although I don't really care either way what people like, as long as they leave me out of it unless I want to be in it, I am sometimes forced to use this word in the context that I just listed.   I know you're asking yourself... "so what does DC use instead of the word gay?"  Well, I don't use anything.  Two people together are two people together.  They each have a name, they can be referred to as a couple.  I don't see the problem people have, but I'm a sock monkey... so maybe it's a human limitation.  
 I prefer to use gay in the following way...
2. Gay.  Something that is lame.  As in, "that movie was gay".  Movies that I consider gay...
Beaches.  Any movie with a kid as the star made by disney.  Any movie with an animal as the star.  Scream.  Blair Witch.  Any movie with a britney spears song in it.  Any movie where some nerd is miraculously made gorgeous and becomes popular.  Did that answer your question well enough?

What turns the sock monkey on?
a pile of rotting turkey gizzards and some new stuffing.

as a puplic service i will teach you to say promisscuous i lin speak.do you want to learn?too bad.ready?wicked sluty.that clear enough for you? did you know another meaning for the male belly-button is sperm bank.ok we all know about stupid people but why do they exsist?nature or nurture, both, none?how?--db"_"
They exist because they're stupid parents are too stupid to know that they shouldn't breed.  Hold me closer, keep me near my underwater love.  Sometimes death doesn't mean a thing.

i'm being stalked by a gay were-wolf wearing pink spandex. what should i do?
The obvious!  Offer the wolf a soy snack and start a yoga program.   Then we'll sue you for using our idea.  Then you'll sue because that's what happens. Then counter-sue and after our lawyer is done, we'll have the pink spandex as well as a delightful soy snack.

have you ever been tied bent over a chair with a dynamite stick up your ass herd a match strike behind you and then heard the devil says "IT'S BOOM BOOM TIME."?also have you ever thought that all people lie to themselves too much?--db"_" db=free thinker
To the best of my knowledge, I have never spoken with the devil, much less engage in sexual activities with him/her.  Of course all people lie to themselves too much... most people actually think that they matter!

remember the days when we were able to make people's genitals grow wings and fly away?damb those were good days.....good days......--db
Indeed they were...  Sometimes I like to pretend I'm there again...

Whats the bg deal with christmas. Its a shitsuckers holiday. Why get more preasants on Christs birthday than on mine. i dont care if he is the son of god its just not right.
Well, if there wasn't any xmas, can you imagine what other commercial nightmare they'd force on us in the name of religion?  We're lucky we get presents and not burnt at the stake.

Why do we petty americans celebrate thanksgiving? Is it supposed to make us feel all warm and fuzzy to remenice about how we invaded this country and killed off all our native americans? sheesh.
That's the american way! Embrace your heritage!  Soon you'll be consuming oil like no tomorrow, carrying guns around cuz all the 13 year olds have them, and eating as much McDonals shit you can possibly get your fat hands on.  Also, arrange a skiing trip in July for Toronto... it's always snowing there!  Ahhh... that felt better.

Boy, it's funny. People ask you questions like they think you're God or something and you're just another person and no you're not a sock monkey you pinhead! I'm so tired of Evolution! One thing I know is that I didn't come from a freakin' monkey! You suck! How can you hate Christmas? You must be some kind of retard to have a website like this! What's worse, is that people actually treat you like you're superior to them! It feels good to get that off my chest!
Yes I am a sock monkey, how would you even know if I was or wasn't?  You came from that sticky brown goo found under rocks.  Yes I suck, but only when it tastes good.  Retarded people shouldn't be made fun of... that's just they way they are.  Glad to see you're feeling better... it was great chatting with you.  And for those who do think I'm god, well that is just not right.  It's not my fault people born to die each day, and that stupid fucking people come to your door each sunday... I'm just a sock monkey.

Why are baby predators cuter than baby harmless creatures? ~P.N.
cuz stupid humans like the idea of predators being cute at some point.  All cats are gorgeous no matter their age though.

Everyday feels the same. What should I do?
Change your routine... and buy new clothes.

What is my purpose for being a human?
To die.  That's it.  We have an article on what it means to be human... but i'm too lazy to link to it right now.  Go find it yourself under articles.

have you ever seen a baby pigeon? where do they come from? me and my friends have talked about this and still have'nt recieved a possible answer.layla
no, and i would assume they come from large squids who shoot out the babies.  They then float to the top of the water, then dry out and fly away to start shitting on buildings.

If the reason people live is to die, then what about us immortals?
your reason to live is to live.  immortals are more in a hell situation then the short lived ones.  life is a parade of events that whiz by and then suddenly stop altogether.  For immortals, its just one long boring parade.

Why the hell do people ask if you're insane? Can't they read the name of this web site?
well, people are just stupid.  humans are masters of the obvious, and they never cease to point it out.

I was chatting shit to my dad one day and he told me that my cheese had slid off my cracker. But i wasn't eating a fuckin cracker...I don't even like em!!! Was he hallucinating or is he seriouly trying to screw with my head, man? p.s. a sock monkey keeps prodding me in the middle of the night. If you don't tell him to stop it, i'm gonna get hold of it, cover the fucker with a pillow and suffocate it until it stops breathing! that'll teach him...don't ya think??
Did you check the floor for your cheese?
Why do you have problems with the sock monkey prodding you?  If you don't like it, what's it doing in your place in the middle of the night?  Exactly!

How much do Butlers get paid? I cant find out and its driving me mental.
I honestly don't know... but maybe 15 or 20 cookies would do it for a day of service.

HI DC!! I'M BACK!! My name is different now. arent you going to kill your self?
-Laser-Monkey, formerly known as GrimmKaos
No, actually I'm not.  Maybe some other time.

i have a question that maybe schizoid should answer. where in hell can i find CRASS pictures? i've never seen a picture of even one member, but on the other hand, i don't have all their albums, so maybe they're in there. please help!
I'll forward that to schizoid tomorrow.

nouestion. i just like that little fade thing your site does.
thanks... we had forgotten it was there... a little transition effect from old front page... enjoy

OH SHIT!! Crass kicks ass! I know a site with cool Crass pics heres the address: http://hem.passagen.se/hellacop/crass.htm
Crass is great! Do they owe us a living?? OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DO!
-Laser-Monkey, a.k.a GrimmKaos.
Well there you go.

are there diferent stages of photosynthisis? honestly do you know
The Steps in Photosynthesis
1) The light energy strikes the leaf, passes into the leaf and hits a chloroplast inside an individual cell.
2) The light energy, upon entering the chloroplasts, is captured by the chlorophyll inside a grana.
3) Inside the grana some of the energy is used to split water into hydrogen and oxygen.
 4) The oxygen is released into the air.
5) The hydrogen is taken to the stroma along with the grana's remaining light energy.
 6) Carbon dioxide enters the leaf and passes into the chloroplast.
7) In the stroma the remaining light energy is used to combine hydrogen and carbon dioxide to make carbohydrates.
8) The energy­rich carbohydrates are carried to the plant's cells.
9) The energy­rich carbohydrates are used by the cells to drive the plant's life processes.
From: http://www.alienexplorer.com/ecology/e65.html

should i wear my black underwear or my green ones?
go for the green if you think or plan on someone seeing them.

well that depends on how you installed it.  Look for the uninstall program.  If you still feel happy and loveable, then hit yourself in the head until everything turns black.  When you awake, it should all be over.

Whats the deal with old people?
buy one... get two free.

Man, you are messed up! I just wasted about three minutes of my life on your website! I know you're sock a sock monkey because you obviously got the ability to type worthless crap on a web page! I also know that there is a God and I did not come from sticky brown goo! Well I've just wasted another couple minutes typing this question!
That wasn't a question at all.... but nice to hear from you little brown goo. Come back again real soon and enjoy more of the site!

Can a women really get pregnant by having sex with a dog?
i'm not too sure about that... but uh... that sure would explain a LOT.

Do you prefer carrots dipped in garlic sauce, or roasted elephant tongue?
Carrots all the way... especially since I don't eat meat... and I don't think elephant would taste too good anyways.  I wonder... if all you fed to an elephant was peanuts... would it taste mildly peanut buttery?  no... i didn't think so either.

HEY! there were reviews for shit and stuff... what the hell happened?? where are they? do you like apple cider?-Laser-Monkey
we still have the reviews... somewhere.  we took them down cuz it was a pain in the ass to update.  we're looking into making it database driven... but we're lazy.  And yes, I do like apple cider.

well all and all i wore my red underwear and when my lady saw them i got the wacky coment of "hey red underwear" i then had no underwear, so how was your evening?
Fine I suppose, I have a bit of a headache.

hello i would just like to know why i did not get an abswer to a question i was seriously asking, not joking kine.
we don't answer questions round here... we just raise them chickens.... and sock chickens.

are you single?
I am but one sock monkey, although I feel sometimes, like more.

I'm forced to hang out with my really old grandma for the weekend. What fun things can I do at my grandmas house?
Hide her medicine... see what family secrets she's willing to spill to get them back.  Record them all... make a living off the blackmail fees.  What an opportunity for you!

why do I see so many perfect looking people wearing abercrombie? Whats up with that store?
huh?  never heard of it.  and perfect looking people are always perfect bitches or perfect assholes.  stay away from any brand they wear... it's the tag to a bad time that only looks good from the outside.

The elephants shit would taste like peanut butter. Wow! a new way to make peanut butter!! -Laser-Monkey
New?  how do we know they don't make it that way now?

I belive Macintosh is the spawn of satan, and they must all be destoyed. What do you beleive? -DS
I believe that spawn is a wicked cartoon, and that it shouldn't be destroyed.  I only know one person with a Mac, and they love it... but then he is Johnny Poptart Graphic Designer Extraordinaire.

Since I am but a novice... I am still at the stage where I have to taste the blood found in feces before I can identify it.  And most times I'm wrong and have to do a re-tasting.

You know, I seriously believe McDonalds is on a conspiericy for world domination. Do you agree? Damn over-priced bastards.
They are in the business of real estate and advertising.  The whole food thing is just a sham to hold the whole thing together.  If you don't like it... don't eat there and support them.

Why do people like the taste of blood? Like licking someone else's small cut???? Why is that almost arousing?
Well, blood is kinda salty... but has a unique flavor.  The human stomach can't handle a whole lot of it, so small cuts work the best.  It's almost arousing because blood is the essence of life, so by taking in someone else's blood, it's can be perceived as being quite intimate.... or psychotic... either way make sure they agree to it before you do it.

When are you going to put a picture of yourself DC in your pictures section, I love you , I'd love to see what you look like. Did I mention I love you??? love the Ice Pryncess , PS- bet you thought i had forgotton you, never............
oh yes... pictures.  well maybe i will put up pics sometime. I think only jcp and johnny poptart are pictured now.  No you didn't mention that you loved me... but feel free to mention it again... with cash and cds... i really like people who do that for me... I'll even love you back for awhile.

Dear DC,
I am really embarrassed to be writing this, but I really need help.  I'm a 30 year old lady that baby-sits two little kids.  One is 11 and the other is 3.  I'm in love the 11 year old.  I really love him in a non-motherly way, but more of a concubine way.  I need your help, as I think he likes another 11 year old.
Ms. Babysitter
PS - I'm married and have 13 kids.  If you don't answer my plea for help, I'll start babysitting your kids.
Well, I know one thing is for certain, I sure don't have to worry about my kids cuz I don't have any.  As for your problem, I suggest you stop babysitting this great big hunk of a man.  Go out and try to find a job at the market or some store.  It'll take your mind off it for awhile.  Try to go for someone your own age next time, or perhaps even your husband.

do plants grow better under colored lights? i need a damn answer jerk it is for my science fair project!!!
well... I have already answered a similar question to this... and I will copy what I said then and give it to you know... just so you don't have to waste your time reading through it all yourself...
Well, as far as what is in "Color Psychology and Color Therapy" by Faber Birren, experiments were done with plants and different colors by Dr. Withrow.  He found that responses differed for long-day and short-day plants.  In long-day plants, the greatest response occurred in the red region.  Under yellow, green, and blue the plants did not grow tall or flower, but the foliage was abundant.  A plant treated under infrared did not flower.  With short-day plants, supplementary red light hindered flowering. Now you don't need to go to any other site, but you may want to go to library or get the book I mentioned for more information.  Bet you didn't think I'd give you a real answer...
The whole thing about light and plants responses are in the book I had mentioned.  The whole thing is kinda interesting.  I'd make a quick trip to the Internet and find some other refrences too.  When you're done, you can come back and read the rest of all these questions and answers.

Oh, I see, well as long as you are getting better, remember, practice makes perfect!!-Laser-Monkey
Yea, well I try... maybe someday I'll be as great as you are.

I have a real ass for a science teacher an I have to do a investigative science project, what do U suggest? -Pyro
I suggest you test the effects of peer pressure.  Target someone, pressure them into it, take pictures and write up your report.  That or do something that has to do with testing shit for blood....

How big are monkey balls?-Pyro
Well, that depends on the monkey and it's genes.  Some monkeys have large hariy balls, other have small less hairy balls and yet others have strange bumpy balls.  Which are the best? well, that all depends on what you want to do with them.

what is your take on japense fighting fish???
well, although I have personally partaken in this event, I would have to say that on the whole, it is a completely barbaric event.  I mean, two grown women in skimpy outfits fighting in a ring filled with mud... it's just not a humane event... and then calling them fish... and japenese ones at that!  No wonder they're fighting!

Jeez DC, looks like your popularity is falling. oh well, less work for you.Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your knowledge on bloody feces?
I was popular at some point? And I missed it?  Damn!   I would have to say that my knowledge is at about a level 1.  I can identify that there is blood in the feces, but that's it.

so dc how are you?its been a long time since i was here. do you miss me?ohh well ever been in down town reason?let me go and i'll love you more said the one armed monkey.why do people constantly try to be like everyone else? are you scared?--db"_"
welcome back... I've missed your questions.  I've been down town of this city... one armed monkey?  poor thing.  Very few people can think for themselves, so in desperation, they just copy whoever looks like they know what they're doing.  I'm scared that these morons are running the world.

Why do I feel the urge to ask questions just to get the good question award?
because getting one of them is the ultimate dream of all intelligent beings.

Why doesnt anyone believe me when I tell them about my fairy? I lost all of my friends because of this. NOBODY BELIEVES ME!!!!!!
well then they don't deserve to know about them.  Fairies are elusive creatures... so be nice to yours.

Why is it that everyone on the planet is a complete asshole and noone listens to me so I sit out in the corner and talk to myselF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because most people on the planet are humans... and humans suck.  Get used to it, or shut the hell up and kill yourself.... or just keep coming here to remind yourself that insanity is a good thing.

What is the importance of non-traditional cheese(i.e. Dolphin cheese, rhino cheese and the all powerful human cheese) in our society?
well, I honestly can't say... but for myself... I'd have to say that human cheese has totally ruined my life.  Stay away from it kiddies... it's dangerous shit.

actually blood does not taste salty, it's quite coppery and has a "sharp" taste, i had a friend once who used to bite herself and lick her blood, she was a dumbass, probably still is, anyways, for a question..which is the best, honey or cinnamon sugar (graham cracker) p.s. for the person who sees fairies, is your name katie, and is your fairy named jake???
I prefer the cinnamon sugar... as I am a fan of cinnamon.

did you ask your self the same qustions when they through you out of the car?
Not always... depends on what I'm about to land on.

is it bad to smell funny?
depends on your definition of funny... sometimes funny is a bad smell, sometimes it's just different.  Also, if funny doesn't want to be sniffed, then leave her the hell alone.

Actually, I think they sell that elephant shit peanut butter at the gecko licking booth thats about a block down the dtreet from where you live.-DS
Is THAT what I'm licking... damn... i would have never guessed!

what if no plants grew, what would happen to the world
well we sure wouldn't be here... and pretty much nothing else for that matter.  I'd have to say that the world would just be cold and lifeless.... or volcanic or something.

go in the rosebush.

can u tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street?
it's somewhere over the rainbow... way up high...

 how do you fce reality everyday without going totally insane and killing yourself?
uh... i AM insane... and only stupid people should kill themselves.

If a cat has a rat stuck up it's butt will it immediatly eat it while it's still stuck in it's butt or will it try to shit it out first?
It will probably try to pull it out and then eat it.

How do you make a voodoo doll?
Uh... that I don't know... and I think it depends on what type of voodoo you are practicing.  I seem to remember something about a fingernail and a piece of hair... but that is probably just one form of voodoo.  If you're just some punk kid wanting to hurt some other kid who stole your blankie... then just give it up... if you're actually interested in voodoo, then try about.com for information.

Hmm... Human Cheese, how does it taste? Don't tell people to kill themselves, tell them that they have problems and no body wants to hear them wine or that nobody gives a shit and live with it cuz we all got problems scary ones!
i haven't had human cheese... so i can't comment... although if anything like real humans, it should be filthy and bitter.

where can i find information on building a real cherroke indan todem pole and the meaning behind each section for which they stand for?
well it certainly ain't here.  I would suggest giving up and just selling your blood on the street.

ok i went out with this girl for like 5 months and i fell in love with her,we broke up and its been like 6 months and i cant get over her.everything staied with me and i cant forrget about it and when i tell her about this she cares but i want to start over already.what should i do?
Well if she doesn't want to start over, then deal with it and move on.  Try not to send dead animals to her house either, as that usually doesn't go over well.

Yeah, blood tastes like friggin doorknobs. God am i the only one who hates teh taste of blood?? -Lasa-munki
I'm sure that somewhere out there, someone else doesn't like the taste of blood either.

Hello DC are you ever afraid, afraid of what is behind you? is it me or your ass, maybe I took it that's right I have you precious little ass muwahahahahahaha!
My ass is precious and little?  wrong ass then pal... nothing that is a part of me is precious and little!  You might have my cats ass though... 

why is eminem so controversial when he is doing what all other rappers have been doin for years?
who enema??  rappers... sigh... get off my site.... none of that is allowed here.

my best friend is a pink fluffy bunny, but he's sleeping w/ another bunny what should i do?
get them fixed before you are surrounded by little pinkish bunnies.

how can i gain psychic powers?
you develop them over a number of years. find yourself a teacher.... and pay them thousands to speed up the process.  In fact, if you send the money to me, i can help you in a few weeks.

i got eaten by a large cheese yesterday and i can't get out can you help me?
you are alive and have a computer... what else do you need? enjoy!

why did god make me a midget, did you?
if i could make people midgets, i wouldn't be answering this question.

how many sock monkeys did u have anal sex with?
what day in specific are you talking about?

I was wondering why you respond to morons like that guy who asked why people are assholes and don't listen to him, the answer is simple, just shut the fuck up and die!
I respond to almost all the questions... although I have been deleting the 'plants & light' questions lately.... and i answer them cuz that's what this section is for!

Hmmmm... is that smell old cheese or ass?
could be both

Small children seem more evil and sadistic than me, I always wondered why?
well, small children are getting more evil.  watch their cartoons like pokemon and that sort of crap... then you'll understand.

my friend is casting magic spells on me what should i do?
if they are good, then enjoy.  if they are not, the you can scour the web for ways to protect yourself and drive yourself crazy... or you can just feel content that they probably couldn't get it to work even if they did do it right and forget the whole crap.

when monkey sock puppets attack is it very dangerous or just stupid?
depends on the sock monkey puppet and the level of martial arts training it has.  Just kill the person attached to the sock monkey by the arm... usually the sock puppet dies with them.

Why do people have so much free time that they can sit here and ask you disturbing questions? My self included.
well, the whole point of life is to do things you like, and even though society tells you to work and do things for anything but pleasure, this is one bit of pleasure that you people get... you finally get to ask those questions that are too stupid to ask someone in person.

I was just wondering why my nose bleeds when I shove a small squirrel up it or a large dog?
because you haven't clipped their nails.  do that before you shove any animal in any body hole.

If I eat you will you be happy?
depends how good you are.

My friend was just fucked by his mother who was fucked by her mother whose granpa she fucked and then got raped by barney, what should he do?
Well he should give up on going to family reunions unless he enjoyed it.

Kitten is a funny word, do you agree?
No.  But mitten sure is funny sounding.

why isn't each country given a colour...and everything in it would be that colour, including the people? purple would be good!
yea, but while traveling, you'd stand out against everyone else... and that would give racism a great big help too... forget that! I demand to choose my own color!

why don't we have magic transporter things soooo that we can just magically transport to where we want to go in seconds rather then getting stuck in traffic jams or having to walk.
I ask that every day and NO ONE ever answers me.  If you ever get an answer, you let me know!

Are humans really people. How do we know dogs aren't people. Or even the carnivorous deer in the national parks. Can we really be certain that humans are people.-DS
humans are not people, but trees are people too. and some people are aliens.

At which age is a child declared insane? Does he/she know that they are insane and different from other children? At what age can a child be possed by a demon?
any age really... there's no rules.  All children are insane, just the parents suck it out of them so they can become a boring adult.  So if the child keeps some of their insanity... then they are considered 'insane".

If I pooed in your mouth would you eat it?
that depends... what did you have for dinner last night?

if a cow laphs does milk come out his nose?
nope, it shoots out all her nipples...

Er, hey, those fucking Candians have been pissing me off, they have it so good. Anyways, I went to a social event, and I realized nobody there wanted to talk to me for some odd reason. So i reached up and took a balloon down from the wall and started to talk to it, but then it exploded! I repeated this process about two more times when suddenly, some guys surrounded me and said I spiked the tea! Then, I went home and stared at my ceiling loathing the very fiber of my being. Why?
canadians don't have it any better... it's just not as bad as it could be.  Well, you popped the balloon who's been rubbing the head of all balloons.... the remax hot air balloon.  That's why the ass kicking... and your ceiling isn't really listening to you.

where can i get sock monkey patterns for free...much less the socks to make the with?
if i knew that... don't you think i'd spend less time answering questions and more time trying to sell them to you?

When will the second coming be?
Depends how good the first one was and how tired I am afterwards.

How can a person judge another person to be insane? I mean that person who thinks that he himself is straight may actually be insane to the other person who was diagnosed insane
Exactly... you see the problem is that the majority of humans are insane and it is the minority who is smart.  So the herd (the majority) decides that normal will be judged as what the herd does... but if the herd becomes totally insane, then the definition of insane changes... and anything that threatens the herd must be insane.  In answer... I don't think anyone can truly judge another to be insane... they just have a different reality then ours.

Darn you! Please go to my website!
Please stop begging me to go to your site.  If you want me to go to it so bad, then send me some money.  Perhaps in the future I will take submissions from people to see their sites, but damnit I just have too many things to do already!  If I visit it, then I visit it, but don't hound me about it like an annoying shit.

If someone asked you, have you ever tasted a dick sweeter than mine, what would you answer? yes or no? ~P.N.
Well that depends on if it was the sweetest or not. Right now I haven't tasted it, so I can't answer.

did you do it before
only once... but it was a dare

why did god curse me with a small dick? from adam morey
are you sure it's really small?  how do you know this? how many others have you compared yours to?  If you're judging by those guys on pornos... they are NOT all the average.

there is a hobo that entered my house. he knows where my forks are. Does god hate me or what?
what is your obsession with this hobo god?

adam seems gay to me, should i kill him?
only if he's the happy sort of gay... those people annoy me... 

actually, that country/color idea is pretty good. It might actually destroy rascism, becuase if you think yer american and make fun of someone from pakistan, then you come home all pround and white, you would find out that your granny is irish, and your mama is italian-irsh, or something. And in multicultural places like new yawk city, the streets would look neato from a low flying helicopter, cuz everything would be colory. dontcha think?-Laser-Monkey, lord of fecal blood.
Yea, most places would look pretty cool if everyone had the different colors... but wouldn't most people end up a strange sort of brown due to the mix of heritage?  I still want my own color damnit.

I think bunnies are scary and spheres are cute. What does that mean?
means about as much as a fancy drawing does to the electric monk.

Sometimes i have to look in mirror behind me to make sure my ass is still there, if i dont check on my ass after a while i get nervous and start to break down what does this mean and what should i do?
glue mirrors to your hand so you don't have to go anywhere to check and it will be easy to check anywhere.  That way you won't waste time worrying about it.

Why is it called the stinky monkey butt award?I HAPPEN TO LIKE STINKY MONKEY BUTTS!!!!!-The child with a fairy.
well then you have a very strange fetish.  I personally don't like stinky monkey butts... so thats the kind of award I give out to people who ask really stupid questions... but since you seem to like the butt... here is one for you....

Are you a cow? If so, why arent you in your cocoon?
No, but if I was a cow, then i would be in my cocoon with my laptop.  At least this lets me know that ONE person has at least read that article!

you can chew on people, you just haven't found the right people yet.  Also, try asking before you bite.

Where are the aliens? I have been looking for them for a long time and I can't seem to find them under my bed. TELL ME WHERE THE HELL THE DAMN ALIENS ARE!!!!!!!!!!
I know where they are, but due to various reasons that I won't explain, it is for your own good that you don't know.

How do you have sex? This question I have been pondering for quite some time & I just can't seem to the answer to it. Please answer me truthfully. I'll give you a sucker.
How?  Well it involves high places, bungee cords and a safe word.... and of course another sock monkey.  Where's my sucker and it better not be red.

How do you get a midget out of a tree when he's stuck? Should I throw things at him?
lather him up well with butter and the midget should just slip out.  By the way, this works for sexual midget-getting-stuck problems too.

Why does my butt stink? I clean it thuroughly every day!!!!! I even shove rags up it to try to stop the smell!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!?????????
light the rags on fire... no smell after that!

scrape the mushrooms off, find a school and sell them as if they are magic mushrooms.

Where am I? Who am I? Who are you? What this long slender thing Im looking at?? AHHHH ITS GETTING LONG AND HARD!!!!!!!!!
You are there.  You are You.  I am me.  You are looking at the barrel of a gun... just pull the trigger and everything will be alright

how do you get rid of a stalker???!
you stalk and kill them before they kill you

who invented macaroni and cheese
Ms. Marnie Macaroni and Mr. Chicaman Cheese.  They were married in the spring of 1902, and the rest is too cheesy to mention.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop??
too damn many... just bite the damn thing.

Well, I don't have a dick but I'm sure if I had one it would be pretty sweet and I would teach it to stay. Anywho, which ones are creepier, Umpa Lumpas or Lollipopmen? ~P.N.
Umpa Lumpas by far... they insanely wrong hats, they dance and they put white powder into chocolate for all the kids while singing about how fat kids suck and the chorus is them singing their own name.  Lollipopmen just do that pathetic dance and hang onto their belts... 

Why do humans have to go to school? They're already born with all the knowledge they need to know.-DS
so they can learn to make fun of others for superficial reasons, and to unlearn the whole 'thinking for yourself' thing.

why do the british add "U's" to things(i.e. coloUr ,flavoUr) do they really need them?
well... I think that they had done that long before north america was discovered... but yea... i hate those damn u's everywhere too.

why is chocalate so addictive? from short guy
it's not, you just like the taste so much you eat lots of it... and don't eat too much or you'll become short fat guy who's stuck in his house cuz he ate too much damn chocolate!

yes, and I do nightly... try going to naples... it's nice there.

I was on a ski trip. I was enjoying myself until my monkey hit a tree and died. what should I do to the ski resort to make them pay?? ILL KILL THEM IF YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nah, just apologize to the tree and get a new monkey...and tell this one to use it's tail when it sees a tree approaching to climb up in it. 

shake them and sell their fairy dust... it's worth an awful lot!  Have some of it and you'll be high for days!

Do you believe the assassination of JFK was done by some insane guy, or do you think that the CIA plotted the whole thing because JFK couldn't handle the Cuban missle crisis the way the government wanted him to?
Well, I think that someone shot him and he died.  I think the whole thing is just a pile of crap, and that the truth will never be revealed.  On the other hand, he's dead, and has been for some time... so why do we care anymore?  We know the government lies to us, yet we still pick one of the lying assholes to run the country... the president and priminister are supposed to represent the people.... do they represent YOU???

I want to take over the world, but I don't want to do any manual labor myself and my slaves are on strike. What should I do?-DS
figure out a way to control microsoft... that is about all you can do until the cats take over.

Sticky Brown Goo says: "Whatcha' gonna do when the Hulkster and all his Hulkamaniacs run wild on you?!"
uh.. well I'd try to get out of their way... other then that I guess I'd just try to enjoy the ride.

Do yo despise Valentines Day as much as I do?-DS
if you completely hate it and think that it's just a pile of bullshit that promotes greedy girls and tries to make guys look bad... then yes... yes I do.

Which are worse, Step-parents or in-laws?-DS
hhhhmmmm.... step parents you have to live with... inlaws you don't.  Although you can tell your parents off a lot easier then in laws.  I would say that in laws are worse in the long run, but step parents are worse short-term if you live with them.

hey, listen DC, im going to Santo Domingo for a week, and maybe you can do me a favor, just take over the possesion of Lord of Fecal Blood until monday. PLEASE?? thanks, -Laser-Monkey, lord of fecal blood... kinda
uh... i don't like having blood in my stools... the doctors stick fingers up my ass when i complain of bloody stools... so i'll take the title... but no real blood or shit.  and have a nice trip... bastard.

If you saw the back of your head in a camera, would your mind frap out? I mean, people used to think if you went over 60 mphs, your face would fly off!
my face has flown off many a time... much to my embarrassment.  One such time was the day that i had to renew my liscense.  Boy I'll never forget THAT day.

I hate Valentine's day - there's nothing quite like a day devoted to being a couple to make single girl feel inadequate. All the people with presents that we have been taught represent love, but only represent the greedy consumerism of today's culture that is exploited by greetings card companies make me sick, and what really gets on my nerves is all the couples getting in the way while they get it on in every available space. ARGH!!!! Valentine's Day is one holiday I could do without. Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? Good, good, now that we have the niceties over with, here's my next question - why do Americans complain about the way the British spell some things? (like colour, flavour, centre etc etc) Come on you guys, the language is called ENGLISH, so don't complain about the way ENGLISH people use it - you americans are the ones who've butchered it.
Valentine's was irrelevant.... and yea, the whole U thing doesn't really matter... as the american version has butchered it, just like quebec has mutilated the french language... yet it is still called the same thing.

What is a question? How do I answer a question? How do I ask a Question??? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
Please send your money to me... then I will allow you to ask a question.

What is this thing people keep talking about, god?? What the hell is a "god". -Kud.
along the same lines as santa claus... only not near as friendly and the presents suck.

Are you an alien? The reason I ask this is beause that there may be a race of human looking aliens that are supposed to be really smart, and you seem to be smart because you answer all these questions like a "Dear Abby" type of person with an evil twist to your answers. I want to know the truth.
You can't handle the truth.  And I can neither confirm nor deny if I am alien... but the answer is 'only on fridays'.

Well, I sold the fairy dust like you said, but I have anoher question. When I tried to get high off of it, the mushrooms on my dick grew about three times the size and started talking. I told them to stop, but then the fairies started screaming, ant the mushrooms ate my dick. When the mushrooms finnaly ran off, the fairy sprinkled a pinkish dust and I started flying. The next thing I knew I was on an island where dicks grew out of the ground. Here is the question, am I high right now, or am I really here stealing a replacement dick that I can use???!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!1
You are high right now... enjoy the trip... and whatever you do... DON'T EAT THE SAUSAGE!

My friend just beat the shit out of himself and he says he wants to kill someone. Should i sic him on a total asshole?
beat the shit out of himself?  were you watching? is that normal? was it interesting?  anyways... yes... a total asshole or some politician... whatever does the trick.

How do you get a crossdressing hamster to eat when its sick? Should I kill it or just leave it?
well take the heels and nylons off of it... then phone a vet... or throw it out and get a new one.

If you have ever heard of the band Slipknot, and seen how they look, would you think that they are a bunch of frauds by hiding under masks, or would you think that they are one awesome, motherfucking kick ass band?
yes i have... they kinda look like mr bungle does with all the masks etc... i like them from what i've heard (like 5+ songs) but of course mr bungle is better.

The other night I had a dream that I was tripping on acid and I was totally freaked out. In my dream I saw swirlling bright neon colors on a dark background when it was daylight out. Now I have never tried acid, but could this dream have been a flashback from my previous life? What could this dream mean?
Well, dreams are quite strange... you see your mind picks up details from around you that your concious mind never picks up on.  While you sleep, your brain begins to filter through things and ends up giving you dreams.  Sometimes they mean something, sometimes it's just random images. I would doubt that your dream has anything to do with a previous life, but maybe you were a hippy who died while on acid.  Start writing your dreams down, then get high and read them again... maybe they will make sense.

how do you get a gerbil up yor ass? Then how do you get it out?
use some little gerbil plastic tubes.... and just pull it out or use tongs.

do you watch alot of porn alone??
I used to .... but now I just don't have the time... and I have to admit... those plots are the funniest ever.

do you separate male and female hampsters when female becomes pregnant.
You should have separated them BEFORE so you wouldn't have this problem.  But I would think you should separate them.

I'am lean and i cannot wear pants it doesnot suits me tell me what shall i do.
get jeans... they are much better anyways.... or a dress.

Hey DC, Why Don't You Have A Link So That You Ask The Questions And We Anwser Them?-Pyro
because my opinion means more to me then yours, but in regards to this site, i will be setting up a special area for 'market research' and the results will be shared with all.

I went on a website called "www.blowshitup.com" a couple of months ago. I have made a big, fuck-off bomb but I'm not certain where to detinate it. I'm torn between putting it under my boss's car or in the local pet store. Any suggestions would be greatly appriciated, thankyou!
I'd leave the pet store alone... they are suffering enough.  I would suggest going to the local church, or perhaps even the local highschool, as any damage there will be attributed to "damn kids".  And if you're a damn kid... well then find the biggest stupid jock and blow up anything he owns.  If you can't find any of that, well I have always wanted to see a cotton-candy machine blow up and spew cotton candy everywhere.

Hey! thanks. Dont worry, you dont hafta get bloody poo, you get to inflict people with Bloody Feces Disease(TM)(C)(R). Lucky you. And you get a REALLY cool gas mask. But only for a week of course, so dont get used to it.-Laser-Monkey
a gas mask? wicked! i've always wanted one...

What do you think of lesbians? Ice pryncess
i don't think about them at all... 

Would you be dissapointed if I decided to become a lesbian? Ice pryncess
not really, i don't really care what you find attractive!

Do you know any cute girls? Ice Pryncess
define cute....

Could you please tell me how to get rid of the big giant spider that hides in my t.v. and every time I turn on my t.v. all I watch is spiders.
spiders are delightful creatures with interesting habits.  Keep watching and when you know how to kill your spider, then you are ready for the next bug.

Another thought about the magic transporter idea i had...why can't we also have remote controls soooo that if something happens that you don't like ie embarassing, arguements etc, you can just hit the rewind button and change that part of the day
but then people would spend their whole lives trying to make the past perfect... why not just get a job writing history books and you can just rewrite everything.

oh, this is a special gas mask, it has sparkle that dont come off!! Ain't that sumthin'?? -Laser-Monkey
yea! mr sparkle... that's the best....

If ALIENS are soposto be smarter then us why do they upduck the DUMBEST humans??
well, maybe they are helping us get rid of them, and plus, if you wanted to abduct someone but not have to wipe their memory... wouldn't you grab the person that everyone is the least likely to believe?

Is my reflection in the mirror just that, a reflection? Or is it really my good twin in some other dimension waiting till I fall asleep to take over my life and make people think that I might possibly be sane? How do I stop him?-DS
It is your real self looking at you... you are just the alternate version in the alternate world.  You are not really here, but just some part of that persons subconscious.

The Cow cocoons are running rampant around here!!! What should I do? - Chris
well cow cocoons can't run around, so they must be on wheels.  Simply pull them over and take away the keys.

what is with your maniac obsession with monkeys? and get rid of the quotes submitted by your cult. they suck worse than your monkey stories.
monkeys have tails that help them... that's why i like them.  And your opinion means nothing to me... so the quotes stay.  Also... nothing sucks worse then my monkey stories.

So DC Do You Believe In The Theory Of The Matrix?- Pyro
the THEORY?  it's the truth.

Oh And DC How Much Do You Weigh I'm Only 95lbs.- Pyro
how much i weigh is one of those things that i think is useless information, so therefore i do not know.

i hate everybody, do you hate everybody? how about zebras?
Yes, and I don't mind zebras.  They are just funky horses with a better sense of style.

What time is it?
9:01 PM.... or insane monkey time

are the sock monkeys going to be extinct i don't see any running around
no... they hide from morons...

does it matter what side you get your eyebrow peirced??
I personally preferred the left... but i don't think there is any rule or anything.

Can you name a murder who skipped jail by way of the insanity plea and killed again?
no, and I'm glad I can't.  the whole 'justice' thing never really works does it.

Can you name an insane person?
yes I can, and can name a couple actually.

Is it really necessary to have American schools specifficaly for mexicans? Why are we giving up our country to them? We fought for it, it's ours! And why the hell does the DMV offer tests written in Spanish? If they can't read English, they shouldn't even be here.-DS
huh?  damnit people... we are ALL human.  get over it already and welcome to the new millennium.  What you should be pissed about is the quality of the WHOLE system, not just the color of a couple kids in one of the classrooms.  Know your enemy!

I'm being followed by this black thing on the ground. I can't shake it. It's always there, what should I do? It's laughing at me now. Make it go away.-DS
You have to catch it, beat it, kill it and then you will be free.  Also, if you stay in the dark, you will never see it again.

According to fractalcow.com, Bert, from sesame street, was the one behind the JFK assassination. Can this be true? What do I do if he's trying to kill me now?-DS
Yes it is true... I've read that site before... Bert is EVIL.  You can do nothing except keep a blowtorch handy... Bert is flammable.

Why is the sky blue? Who decided it would be blue? Why not bright red? I want bright red. DAMMIT, GIVE ME BRIGHT RED!!-DS
I think it's blue because of water in our atmosphere and the light going through it or something... and bright red would be annoying as red is an irritating color.  Maybe you should move to another planet where the sky/atmosphere is red.

I don't know about a god, but there is God! That is one thing I do know. I'm tired of the wussies who pull some crap about "if he's there why can't I see him?" There are things people can't see but you see the affects everywhere! I take my hat off to those with enough balls to believe in God regardless of what happens to them! Because I do!
that wasn't a question at all but a stupid rant about stuff that may or may not exist, or could just be human kind wanting to think that there is 'something' up there so we can not take direct responsibility for our actions.  thanks anyways.. .next time enter in a question

can u name some fun things to do w/condoms besides sex?
fill them with peanut butter, tie off the end, poke a hole in the top, and presto, a portable peanut butter dispenser.

do you like cheese or maple syrup?
I like both, but not together.

i was playing with scissors and i cut my wrist's i'm bleeding. It hurts. I feel dizzy. aaaahhhhhhh? help mee!!!!!!!!!
quick!  cut the rest of your hand off and everything will be fine

is barny the dinosaur a gay freak?
yes, yes he is.

I have a friend who I've discovered is a pathalogical lier. How should I confront her about this?
sit her down, and tell her that you are concerned.  Tell her exactly what her problem is, and then ask that she look into counseling.  Tell her that you are there to support her.  If she protests, hug her and cry "You poor soul...".  Then, tie her up and take her to the local shrink.  They'll take it from there, and all you have to do is visit once in awhile so when she snaps she doesn't kill you for abandoning her.

what is in Mcdonalds food?
I have no idea, and quite frankly I refuse to eat the shit for that very reason.  I would certainly imagine that ground up testicles from recently deceased men is part of the basic burger...

Do you think there are homosexual minors out there? Not just minors, kids. You know, 8-11. I know this sounds stupid, cause most kids have no sexual preference, but please answer my question because I know this guy who rubs his ass and dick all the time.
Perhaps he just finds it pleasing and it's his way of showing nervousness, or he just plain enjoys it.  Maybe some know at that age which sex they prefer, and some don't.  This guy could also have fleas or crabs and requires medical attention.  You should offer to examine them and assist him in scratching or taking him to the doctor.

If people who are physically attracted to those of the same sex are homosexual, and people who are attracted to the other sex are heterosexual, what are people who are attracted to both sexes?
Bi-sexuals.   And people who like aliens are alisexuals.  Those who like monkeys are monkeysexuals.  Those who like dead animals are... well fucked up.

What does DC stand for?
Demon Child

monkeys monkeys everywhere. you only wish you were good enough to be a part of the porch monkey posse. do you have a real job? cause your bullshit answers to these bullshit questions are just as bad as your stories about your puss ridden ass, yo -sw
yes, i have a few real jobs... and thank you!  I'm glad you like my bullshit answers... as well as my stories!  It's so nice to hear someone saying they enjoy my life's work...

I have the sex drive of an 80 year old grandma. when ever I have sex I never seem to enjoy it. I just do it because I think maybe this time I'll actually enjoy it, but I never do. should I just give up?
maybe you're just doing it with the wrong person or sex.... or the person you are currently doing it with doesn't know shit from shit and only cares about getting themselves off.  Maybe you should try doing some solo practices... but be sure to close the doorI would like to know how you know all about your grandma's sex drive... that could the problem right there. 

My best friend is pissing me off. She always calls me to blab about which guy she should like or get ass from. what should I do?
hang up and get a new best friend that isn't boy crazy.  She'll never get better, just sluttier.

How do you make a sock monkey?
you buy work socks and somehow sew and stuff them into the form of a monkey.  There are pictures under Downloads of some of the sock monkeys I have.

My mom said " Who knows? Maybe in your next life you will end up being a pill bug living on some dog crap." Do you think this could possibly happen? What if pill bugs are afraid to die because they think they could come back as a human in their next life? What do you think is worse? living your life as a human or a pill bug living on a pile of dog shit.
As with everything... anything is possible.  I would think that the pill bugs have way more to fear by becoming human... but what could a pill bug do that would be considered bad?  Eat cat shit?  I think that certian human lives are worth less then the pill bugs... but as for the one i'm living now... I think I'll stay in this form for a while longer before being a pill bug.

Are you my enemy, or am I?-DS
hmmm... depends on the day really!  We'll take turns.

I guess Umpa Lumpas are creepier, anywho, one of my kitties died (sniff) and I want to give it a decent burial. any suggestions? ~P.N.
have a week-long showing of all of the pictures, movies and stories of this kitty, and celebrate the life instead of the death.  Kitties are everything, and one day they will rule the world.

why is oral sex so fuckin good?
if it wasn't... do you really think anyone would really want to put any of it in their mouths?

there are balloons in the mcdonalds restaurant. Should I buy one, is it worth it?
it's probably better then the food, so go ahead!

I was spying on my mommy and she took off her pants and she had some kind of furry animal between her legs. And sometimes my daddy licks the animal.What is this stange animal on my mommy?
thats no furry animal junior, thats a disease that your mommy has.  It may look like fur, but it's acutally mold. Sometimes daddy has to scrape away that mold with his teeth.

Man my girlfriend is so fat and ugly and she eats so freakin much. What the hell should I say to this fat bastard to make her stop eating?
Well stop going out to eat with her, don't have food in your house, and when she's sleeping, just do some home liposuction with some scissors and a vacuum cleaner. 

um ekuse me i hav a qweston. My weaner keeps getting long and hard. why does this happen?
this happens because you are a sick little boy who has sinned.  hahahahaha... 

myster dood, kan yu help me with mi problem? my mom sayed i came owt from her vagina. didn't doctor soos say i chosed mi parants and slided down all da way to her. who is wright?
they are both right... next time get them to explain it and ask for detailed pictures... then show them to all your friends.

hey man can you answer my question? please say yes or no!
I'm not quite sure...

my mommy sayes that i in a speshal class becuz i is smart is this troo.
everyone is special.

i is speshul becuz i lick wenirz am eye wright ore wot?"
you are owksz.

my mommy tells me that you do this because you have no life and choose to lash out irrationaly at peoples questions. is this true?
I don't think my lashing out is irrational at all.  I do have a life somewhere, I just don't remember where I parked it.

My motto is "If a dog bites you, bite it back." I've taken this to include any animals as well as people. Should I also include my toaster? It has a nasty habit of biting me in the morning. Do you have a motto? -DS
Don't bite kitties... and yes, bite the toaster, but make sure it's not searing hot first.  I have many mottos... one of which is "Humans Suck".

This kid named Joey is a midget and gets a hardon when he sees Barney the Dinasaur. What should I do with him?
well when he's watching the show, don't sit on his lap.  You should de-program joey... hire a professional like the ones who deprogram religious freaks.

Why should I ask you a question? You never answer it intelligently and have fantasies about being some sort of monkey. I think you should just stop all this and get a life. You probably spend hours reading and answering questions when you could be having fun. And your answers are usually stupider than the question.
Sometimes I answer intelligently... so you can't say never.  I would get a life, but frankly I'm too tired.  I could tell you all the things I do in real life, but I don't have to.  I spend maybe an hour a day on this, depending on how many questions there are and how good they are.  My answers are usually shorter because they don't need to be any longer.  And I'd rather be a sock monkey then a human... and this sock monkey doesn't wish to fully disclose anything about myself due to crazed psychos out there wanting to stalk others.  My site IS fun... I told you I was a geek... I don't lie to impress you humans.

OOmpa loompas are not creepy. Their little midgets who dance around with green hair in a chocalate factory rhyming and getting their jollies off of saying how bad kids are. Whats so creepy about that?
it's the dancing that bothers me... everything else just amplifies the creepiness of the dancing.

Hehe! im back. It was fun!! There were video games on the plane. Did you enjoy your Fecalship? Gimme my Gas-Mask back.-Laser-Monkey
Yes, and damnit... i just got it all warm.

A small midget, I shall call him "bob", won't stop smelling me and licking me, how do i stop this?
why would you want to stop this?

Many of my friends are faggets and are ussually mean to me. I come home everyday with bruises and cuts because of them. All they ever do is hurt me and piss me off and one day I think that I will have to kill them, I even think a couple of them are really gay(litterally). When I tell them this they call me wussy and make fun of me and say that I wouldnt be able to kill them. I just want to know, What should I do, Kill them, or move away and change my name to Mario Mario? P.S. Can you tell them off in your answer please??!!!
Well first of all, these people are not your friends.  Secondly, those people completely suck.  The reason people do this sort of thing (beating up others and calling them a wussy) because they know that their futures are already doomed.  These are the sort of people who end up going nowhere in life and will one day be begging you to hire them at your multi-million dollar company.  Why bother killing them when you can hire them on as a janitor and have them cleaning shitters for 2 bucks a day?  Killing them would only reduce you to their low level, and your life is worth more then sitting in jail.  Ignore them, learn a form of martial arts, kick their asses, and then go on and build your multi-million dollar company.  Don't forget to hire me as an advisor to the board.

what do you like to eat more mcdonalds burger king or from your moms pussy?
none of the above.

how old are you and why do you waste your time with these questions?
I'm 23 and this is a lot better then picking my ass with a red hot poker.

now that clinton is more of a free man do you think he's sleeping with monica sometmes?
that all depends on how good she was... but i think billy boy is on a short leash now.

whats your favorite thing to do a)eat b)sleep c)drink d) have sex e)answer gay questions like mine f)make fun of people probliems don't ask me why i'm asking you this but i just want to know.
I would have to say that sleeping is my favorite thing to do.  That is because I dream every night (yes I know all people do) but I remember every dream and can remember it better then real memories.

what do you consider a good question? how do you get the good question award?
I decide which question actually made me think, had a good point, or something i just enjoyed answering... sometimes I do it just so you can all notice my brilliant answer.

hey man I need to know somthin why do people have to be so perverted all the time? how do i get them to stop?
they won't stop.  try wearing less revealing clothes and move somewhere cold so you're under layers and layers of clothing.

there is a bllon machine in the mcdonalds bathroom. why is it there? can I have have a quarter? Is there one in every bathroom? Why arn't they in stores? I never see them anywhere but the bathroom, why is that?
It is there for you to get balloons out of.  I don't have any quarters right now.. I need them for laundry.  No there isn't one in every bathroom... sadly.  They should be stores, but the stores are mean.  They are in the bathroom so it is easier to fill them up with water.

How would i go about killing everyone i meet???
well, you would be caught after awhile... so I would recommend carefully selecting your victims.  I personally suggest brittney spears, micheal bolton, and barney.  If you're going to take someone out, you might as well make it count.

who are you? do you go to a school in a little town called Llano?
never heard of the place... and I'm DC... duh

The worm in my pants is growing. What do I do?
stop watering it.

My friend bob is sending you stupid questions (he's the one talking about killing his friends and naming himself mario mario) an heavily offending me and the rest of my friends! He's really serious about what he's sending you! We need to make him stop. I need to make him stop. How do I do this? he's no longer anyone's friend because he says we all suck and annoy him even though we're thrying to help him change his wierd ways. He always talks about nintendo and mega man. he has threatned to kill himself and all others! He also lies all the time to his friends and family. He even sent an instant message to someone saying he would kill the persons family and rape their sister. This isn't half of the crazy and mindless things he's done. How can we make him stop these crazy ways.P.S. This message is not only real but serious. so please post this!
How about the whole gang of you get on a boat with no supplies, go way out into the ocean, and the last one alive gets to come back and live like a normal person.  If he's a mental loner, then just stay the hell away from him, don't pick on him, bully him or anything of the sort.  If he's the total fuck up instead of you, then he needs to get a fucking grip and should go get some help.  Enough already kiddies.

if a cracker is a cracker then what is a dolphin?
it's a cheese.  no wait.... this is a trick question isn't it?

who do you think is gayer tom cruise or elton john
well gay happy... i'd have to say tom.  gay gay I'd have to say elton john because he is admittingly gay.

are you a boy or a girl
I'm an adult now, so neither term applies.

if a llama swims then what are fins for
to impress the crazy monkeys who catch them for food

I am the least popular person in my grade how do I get the hottest girl in my grade to go out with me?
you don't, and besides she's probably the biggest bitch.  You should thank your lucky stars she doesn't like you.

Yes.  You've got it exactly right!

They're just fucking with our heads, cuz only totally fucked up people would think of this instead of just saying "I think it's just easier to create square packaging".

Do Sock Monkeys have dicks or pusseys?
Depends on the sock monkey and it's maker!  Some have neither.

Where can I find a sockmonkey of my own. Can I have you?
I'm not sure where to buy them... some lady named carrol devall or something had them on a show of hers... and no, you can't have me until i see a 2000 income statement.

I hate white people who think and act like they are "ghetto". How do I deal with these people.
they are beyond reaching... all you can do is steer clear and hope that one day they wake the hell up.  Now if they really are ghetto and aren't acting, then carry on as usual.

Why do people piss me off. I am God do u agree?
People piss you off because most people are stupid.  Although sometimes the stupid person is always pissed off because everyone else is always so much smarter.  And no, I don't agree...

To get rid of crabs do you recomend burning off pubic hair?
tweezers and some lemon juice will do the trick nicely.

Over the last few months I have found myself watching pornos including monkeys. At first it was humans and monkeys together but now I find myself watching she-male monkeys with monkeys that have breast implants. Nothing else turns me on anymore. What can I do? --Chris Markas
I have no idea about your 'problem', however... where the hell do you find these pornos?  I mean she-male monkeys?! damn!  is there a mailing list or something?  that'd be some pretty sick shit to check out... 

How does one seduce a homosexual transvestite, skitzophrenic, tight, loosed panty, furry, tall, strong, sexy, and incredibly randy Monkey who doesn't like humans?
well... i don't know if you'd really have a chance.  I mean, a hot item like that is hard to keep satisfied for long.  I'd just give it a bit of grope and run like hell.

I'm not sure if they were women... they were sock monkeys though... and there were at least 20 of us.

Do Sock Monkeys have sex and if they do how? -Pyro
yes, and its quite complicated and involves balancing on tails.

I've noticed squirrels have been very active lately. Some follow me around and when I walk under a tree they pelt me with nuts. Why are they doing this? To stop them do I have to killl every single squirrel on the planet? What would you do? Please help me.
You are the anti-god of squirrels.  What you must do is find the secret stones of the squirrels and enchant them to become your slaves.  Ask the golden gnome for the crystal goblet and all will become clear...

do jerbels crawl up gayguys ass cracks???its a known fact i think
some do... some don't... it depends on where those little tubes lead to.

MY dick is big how do i impress girls??????
you impress them with your wit and intelligence.  If that fails, then you are stupid and only deserve stupid girls.

what will happen if the islamic people judje the world ?
Well, many people will dispute their judgment just like they do when the catholics judge us.  I would personally rather be judged by an islamic person.

Hi its me Chris Marks again. One day after watching a porn about monkeys I found a transvestite monkey that really turns me on. This monkey is really great but for some reason it won't go home with me. How do I convince this stunning and sexy monkey to be mine?
Well if it's on a porno, it can't hear you through the tv.  You convince it with money and promises of more money.... some nice monkey chow works too.

What exzactly is a sock monkey and what does one look like?
 There are pictures of four of my sock monkeys.

Why is shit brown?
because that's what happens when you mix all the colors of all the food you've eaten... 

For a while now an Oompa Loompa has lived next door to me. Every nite I hear strange chantings about an oopity doo or something. Also I have noticed many children in my neighborhood have been disapeering. What is hapening? How can I stop him from chanting?
He is slowly killing all the children... so why would you stop him?  Now you'll be able to sleep any time of the day without children screaming outside.

this mayn is bodderin mi. he tells me i'm stoopid becuz i spel things rong is he rite?
yes he is... enough with shitty spelling... i'm deleting anything further like this.

I think DC really stands for Dum Coward or Dysfunctional Crotchlicker. Your pathetic.
Nope, pretty sure it stands for Demon Child.  Thanks anyways, and next time try to put it in the form of a question.

can u tell me if sock monkeys are real, they float around all day and piss me off am i insane, or are they real?
Yes they are real and yes you are insane.  Lucky for you, the sock monkeys aren't trying their "Anal Baby" theory... boy does that smart.

Do you have any more pictures of sockmonkeys? They turn me on.
working on it... until then just use a normal sock and paint a face on it.

Do you know any monkeys that are into bondadge? I really get turned on by whipping naked monkeys. -Chris
I personally don't know any except for Madam Sock, but her client list is full.  Go to your local downtown and check all the dumpsters... you'll find one for sure.

do you know the corperate number of arbys restruant chains
Sorry, I had it written down somewhere but can't find it.

if i stick my finger up my butt? and then i pull out an elephant does that mean i have herpes?
No, it means that you can hold an awful lot up your ass.  You should consider smuggling drugs for a living, or start up some fetish website.

how many times can a monkey cum?
depends on the moment really.

is anna a monkey or a cat?
a cat, although at times she sounds like a monkey.

I have a question about the meaning of life the universe and everything. We have many religions about a god, and many scientists saying evolutions and BIG BANG theory. So tell me this. How come I can't ever find a matching pair of socks in the morning. If the world is so carefully designed through evolution, why can't I ever find that purple sock on the days when I want it. And why do I always find it on the days when I don't??? Please help. This question has been bothering me ever since a few minutes ago!!!! I need an answer. ( p.s also along those lines why is there always a teaspoon left over when you are washing up.. How does it hide in the bowl where you can't find it untill you've tip the water away.).
You see, we aren't really in this reality... we're in the matrix.  so all of those annoying things are just to keep you from thinking that life is a little too perfect and you'll wake up out of the fake reality.  So as long as those things keep happening, then you'll know that you are still in the matrix.  If any of that isn't true, then life just plain likes to fuck with you.

why cant we live in igloos and wear them fluffy eskimo boots in Britain? i would personaly find it quite amusing towalk round the streets wearing tennis rackets on my feet....it is something i would definetly recommend!!!!!!
Who says you can't?  You just have to build another building that keeps the igloo cold and away from the rain.  There is no one stopping you!

Um... I killed the golden gnome for food last week, but he didn't mention a crystal goblet. Do you know anything about it? And how much thought do you actually put into the better questions? -DS
I have a crystal goblet... but I lost it in my last move.  I put as much thought into questions as I deem necessary... and sometimes I am just to tired to be long-winded.  You have to admit... not all of these questions asked really require any sort of brain-power to answer!  That's what insanity is all about.

Are old people mean? The other day I was walking and I heard this old lady say to a kid "in hell, that's were you belong". It made me laugh but I still think it was a little mean. Are all of them like this? ~P.N.
Not all old people are mean.  The one you overheard wasn't being mean, but was speaking the truth.

I get the feeling you and SAnimal don't like eachother very much. Do you think you're better than him? If you do, why? -DS
You are correct, and of course I am better then him.  I am intelligent, insane and a sock monkey.  He is human.  So obviously I am, and always will be better then him.

wait....you OWN sockmonkeys... isnt that slavery or something??-Laser-Monkey
it's only slavery if i put them to work!

where can i find more abaout my 'Sea Monkeys'
not sure... try yahoo!

Blah blah blah... how about the lot of you just stop thinking about each other so much... unless you both have crushes on each other.... in that case you should get married and live together on a secluded island where you can kill each other and no one else has to hear about it.

Did you hear about that lady who went to bite into her Mcdonalds chicken sandwich thing or whatever and discovered it was a deep fried chicken head? Yeh that happened a few months ago in Virginia or some state, Do you think this could of been the prank or even a SIGN...OOOOO KOOOKYYYY...of some sort of Chicken-Fetish/Satanic/STINKY cult? I do..it's funny though, yah, k..i know you like kitties, so I figured you'd know a little about kitties so I'm going to ask you something serious, I have a cat (well 2..but one is fairly norm) who is a bit bitchy and spoiled, now I lover her to death, and I spoil her rotten but sometimes when i go to pet her she literally draws her head back and sprays my hand with spit, then she takes off and hides in the hamper until its dinner time, I never knew cats could spit, I've tried to get friends to capture it on film, but she's just too damn fast!!! I'd like to know what could of drove this cat to such psychological fucky-upness..shes never been abused, she just has horrible manners p.s. you really need to get your pic up, i've visited here for months to read your questions..hey it passes the time, and i'd like to know what a demon child sock monkey looks like...
I didn't hear about that... but I'm surprised they actually use a real chicken!  Ha ha ha... yes cats can spit.  Sometimes cats (like people) just want to be left alone.  So don't try to pet her after she's done that.  If you have any serious concerns, obviously speak to your vet.  And I'm glad you enjoy the questions!  Maybe some day they'll be a picture of the demon child sock monkey... but certainly not for awhile.

The Oompa Loompa is getting louder at nite and there are more of them. They keep rolling around the yard and chanting at nite. I complained to them but they said something like Oompa Loompa oompity doo if you complain we will atack you. I called the police and they said they'd look into it. How do I make em stop?
Since oompa loompas have been roaming the country since theirs was destroyed, it is probably easier for YOU to move then them.  Pack up your stuff and move away to a colder climate... they hate the cold.  If that doesn't work, they are small and you can beat them with golf clubs.

How do I get in touch with a mistress monkey when I'm in Japan so I can get spanked while I'm naked?-Chris Marks
That I do not know.  I would suggest asking many people, and offering them cash as well for the deed.  I'm sure you'll stumble across someone who will spank you.

Is Bill Gates a a demented mutant that grew up next to a power plant? Or is he just a really lucky human? -DS
I don't think he's either.  He's a guy who started a business, hit upon something the public needed, then eventually made the public want his products.  He's smart if anything!  One day my business will be that large too... but you'll know that I am just a lucky sock monkey.

I have this irritating roommate. He makes those fuckin' irritating sounds whenever he's eating.That's because he chews with his mouth open. I just can't stand ittt!!!!!!! Why can't he just shut the fuck up while eating!! Can you help me end this hell torture?? I'd like to do something so that he won't notice that it's me. Arrraaghhhhh!!!!
Well start doing even more annoying things then he... then he will move out or go crazy.... here is our list of things to do to annoy your roommate... and if you do any of them... try to take pictures of it and send them to us.  If that doesn't work, throw out all the food and only allow soup.  If he doesn't keep his mouth shut, he won't be able to eat, and will starve and die.

What Made you and SAnimal Hate eachother?
Well, it started waaayy back when sanimal and I were just little tykes... he was an asshole then and still is now.  That's about the short and long of it.  If it wasn't for JCP keeping us both in check, he'd be in tiny pieces all over my front lawn for the wild dogs to eat.

To that guy with the elephants in his ass: I you can pull things out of your ass with just 1 finger, you must be really talented. Sorry that there was no question...--Laser-Monkey
hmm... well I'll let this go through cuz its you... but next time i beat your ass with a paddle.

I love monkeys so much i go around raping them. Is this normal?-Chris Marks
No, it is not.  The petting zoo is not for that type of behavior.  Please go to Disney World to do this from now on.

do eskimoes have sex with the baby seals they club?
I would hope not... but if they are fucked up enough to beat a seal, then you never know.  I don't think it's the Eskimos (i think they are Inuit) do that sort of stuff anyways.

Do Eskimoes have cold pusseys?
If they get outside of the igloo, they will be.

I can't move and I don't have any golf clubs. Are Oompa Loompas flamible, or should I blow them up? I NEED HELP!
ps are oompa loompas related to those little assholes from phantasm?
They are more easily blown up then lit on fire, however, they do haunt people once dead... forever singing their shitty songs.  I don't know their lineage... sorry

How many monkeys does it take to make a gorilla cum?
We're still testing... so far the answer seems to be two.

What's wrong with being gay?
happy people are annoying.  That is what you meant right?

how do you tell if a person is insame? i think my dad is insane and never to be lock up. he talk to himself all the time like 24/7days a week.he come out and yells about knowing. i want to know how to put him away. thanks for taking the question.
Why would you put him away?  Next time he starts talking about knowing, get more details.  How do you know that he's completely correct?  Let us know what he says and then we can figure out if he's insane.

I'm so stupid, DC. I sent a girl I really liked a tape of all my private thoughts and she watched it with a crowd. Then she turned it into the office and now I'm facing charges. WHat should I do?
Well I certainly wouldn't send her anything else.  Why would you send a tape anyways?  If you find yourself harassing someone or sitting in your car late at night outside their house... then maybe you have a problem and should get help.  Get counseling.

hey whats up. im having a problem ejaculating when my girlfriend in wacking me off. then i try and it dosent go either so if you would give me some tips on it. thanx
well maybe it's just not good enough on it's own.  It only gets you so far, and if you don't have any psychological problems then you & her should get into oral sex.  And yes, I do mean BOTH of you.  That way there are no kids popping out, and both of you are satisfied.  If that's not good enough, then figure out why you can whack off alone and be satisfied yet not when she does it.

how is it that we can get music played off of little lines burnd in to a round peace of plastic (CD's) iv never really figuerd it ot yet, my theory involes small gnomes and lots of bubble gum, am i on the right track?? ----DeadRatMonkey
I personally think that you are!  But this is a good question... so let's see if i can scrounge up the right answer.... and damn it's a little long... so here is the link... and did you know that every music cd has subliminal messages on it telling you to buy more stuff?  Now you do.

Lets rephrase that last question… What's wrong with being a homosexual male?
nothing to the best of my knowledge.  Now if it's a male human, then the fact that he's human is the problem.  Those pesky humans are annoying.

where in the hell is that damn "any" key on my keyboard???
actually, if you're running windows 95 or 98, then to get the any key you have to press Ctrl+Alt+Del at the same time... and do it twice.  That should take care of any problems you're having.

does chris love me?
I sure hope not.

My new found goal in life is to win one of your good question awards. What's your's? -DS
To travel around the world, see the earth from space as i blast far away and to open an insanedomain store.

wow that cd stuff was really intersting , i still like my gnome and bubble gum idea... it seems more praticale then lazers and plastic bumps....
Yea, it was cool to read... and your idea was better.  Maybe you should patent it and sell it.

any ways, whay will happen to my friend if i put him under the car hood and then procide to drive on a long trip with him under the hood?? ---DeadRatMonkey
Well i don't know if you'd be able to get the hood shut. You'd have to tie it down and even then, will probably get pulled over by the cops.  As engines get hot when running for awhile, I would say that your friend would get burned eventually.  It's easier just to run him over a few times.

Do cows have nipples? If so, how many?
I thought they have like 4... isn't that where milk we drink is from?

I don't have any friends my only friend is my penis and sometimes it squirts me in the eye does it hate me too?
No, it's blowing you a kiss!

how long is your dick, mine is six feet
I have a very long tail... I can swing from branches with it.

Sometimes my grandma touches me in special places. so I bit her is this right?
That depends on where you bit her... and how you define special places.  If she went to hold your hand in disneyworld, then no, you shouldn't have bit her.

what is with chris marks obsession with raping monkeys and talking about monkey prostitutes?
Well he obviously likes monkeys.   There is nothing wrong with that.... unless of course the monkeys are howler monkeys... they don't respond well to that sort of thing.  They have awful blow darts that hurt quite a bit before you pass out.

I am a monkey prostitute and I'm very offended by your site your a meenie and you should die!!
That's not a question... silly monkey.  And if you really are a monkey prostitute, then you should be happy because I have a guy who's interested in hiring you for awhile.  And yes, one day I do plan on dying.  It's bad enough I've had to spend 23 years with all you humans, I sure as hell ain't sticking around forever.

My weener is stuck in my eye, can you help me pull it out?
I refuse to touch your wiener.  Hire a monkey prostitute.

I'm lost in my moms bush. I bought a computer just so I could ask you how to get out. So do you have a map I could use to navigate my way back to the woods?
No map, just find the tunnel of light and follow that out to the bush.

I was raped by a hobo who used a plastic bag for a condom. is that safe? I think I'm pregnant because i feel bindle stick poking at my womb?
He's moved in.  Once you get your period, he'll leave.  After that, don't sit on public benches.

my brothers head is stuck in my vagina. he's been eating out for quite a while should I pull him out?
If you're enjoying it, then why bother?  Just don't let your parents catch you.

Lorana bobbet came over last night and insisted for sausage. should I run away?
no, offer her sausage.  She's been through enough already, she needs to eat too.

do you think that putting salt in someones dick is an effecient way of torture?
I haven't tried it, so I wouldn't know.  How about you find out and let me know.

my granparents are over I hear a clatter in the night is it santa come early or my grandparents having an orgy?
It's both.  When you're old enough, maybe you can hold santa's bag too.

what do you think of when people shit on each other during sex?
I personally don't care for that, but if two (or more) people like that sort of thing, then good for them.  Just stay out of my place when doing it cuz shit stinks.

hurrrheeewow! what the hell doies that mean>?
its used as a sound to indicate kinky sex or two women fighting.  Once it was even used to describe the sound of a force feild around a lamp post, but you wouldn't know anything about that.

How do i make a balloon animal, i just wanna a freakin balloon dog and i need instructions...nick
full and complete instructions are found here.... enjoy.

How exactly do you tell if you're insane? Is it something you just know, or does someone have to tell you? It works either way for me, but what about others? -DS
I had this discussion with someone the other day, but we were talking about the difference between 'mad' and 'insane'.  So to answer your question, you don't tell at all.  It is all a matter of perspective, and since you are insane, eveyone else appears insane to you, while you remain sane.  Let me explain this further with a true-life story.  There is a man named Jack who is about 93 years old.  He lives alone in a house.  His house is filled with newspapers, garbage and unopened presents from friends.  He won't open the presents because he is saving them.  They have been there for at least 5 years.  He goes to the nearest fast food place, orders 15 hamburgers, brings them home and freezes them.  When he wants one, he heats it up.  In the winter, he wakes up at 1am and goes out to his driveway to start clearing away snow.  If anyone walks on his snow, he yells at them.  If his neighbors try to help him out by shoveling his snow, he comes out and screams that they are fuckers and need to get the hell off his property.  He goes up onto his roof with a broom so he can sweep away the snow.  Each summer he drags his lawn mower out onto his driveway and takes it apart.  At the end of the summer, he puts it back together and back into the garage it goes.  His toes are turning black because of poor circulation, and he refuses to see a doctor.  He thinks the doctors will give him germs if he goes and then try to swindle him out of all his money and his house.  To me, Jack is insane.  To Jack, I am insane.  We are both right, but Jack thinks that there is nothing wrong with him.  Now is this all due to old age in Jack's case?  Not according to those that have known him for the last 40 years.  Is the snow responsible for this insanity?  I think so.  So the moral of the story is, snow sucks.

hmmmm... that i don't know.  If you have to think about if you're back to normal, then assume it hasn't left your system yet.

if waters to drink then what do you eat?
solid forms of water.

if a monkey can climb then what is my moms dicks purpose?
to also climb trees and hang from them.  Some monkeys also use blow darts to capture prey.

if a wee man named bob is small then what are mokeys for?
for hanging from trees and making loud noises.  some monkeys howl and are called howler monkeys.

some man named jim went for a swim he started to piss in his mouth his dick shot cum asked if i wanted some he then shot some at me do you like my poem?
not really no... there are no monkeys in it.

if a man named steve slept in his sleave would you sleep with him?
no, for i do not sleep in sleeves but instead in trees all i please.

if herman is a human, then how does he make chocolate with his ass?
by eating plenty of coca beans and sugar.

i have built a nuclear bomb out of some Q-tips a flashlight and two rabbits, i belive it to work quit well. you have any sugestions on what to do with it, or any inprovments??---DeadRatMonkey
Sounds good.. you might want to add an anti-human slogan on the side of it... but other then that... good job.  Actually, an anti-Earthling statement... I forgot... not all humans are earthlings.

i found this goat and i turnd him into coffee, you think i can markit it over E-bay?? or you got any other sugestions??---DeadRatMonkey
Forget that... open up a swanky coffee shop and have funky goat paintings on the wall.  Push a cool logo on everyone, then eventually sell it once it's worth something, then relax for the rest of your life.

I HATE PEOPLE! don't you? ~P.N.
I hate earth-people!  Swarming mindless masses!  Get off the damn planet already!

Why do people that don't like this site keep on coming back? ~P.N.
because deep down inside they love me and yearn to hear what i have to say next.  quite frankly they hate to love me, but can't help it cuz i'm just so wonderful.  and yes, i do accept cash donations to keep my sock monkey collection growing.

if two penis's get into a fight, and one goes down after a hard blow. will the injured penis reflect on his life and try to relize if he was misused or beaten
I would think that you are correct.  I've seen some shows where penises have been near-death, and they claim to have seen a pink tunnel of light beckoning.  There is no proof either way, but the stories are pretty convincing.  Maybe it's just chemicals in the dying penis, maybe its the real deal.

Is the maths teacher who said all that stuff my math teacher by any chance? Cuz my math teacher, Mr White, is totally like that - he has these little phrases, like "boogie boogie disco boogie" and "make it beeyootiful - I want you to show all your working and I want it to be beeyootiful." and so many more that would never fit onto this page, and I wouldn't have the time anyway.
Not the same teacher, but you should write what your teacher says down and save it.  That's what I did... and if he ever freaked out and killed someone, I had plenty of evidence to show his insanity.  Boogie boogie disco boogie... that's pretty good!

I have had a colony of monkeys living up my ass for some years now. Is there an easier way to feed them, rather than stuffing bananas up arse?
Try eating lots of bananas.  They are ass-monkeys, and therefore like digested bananas.  You'll find they scratch less when you feed them this way.

An old man comes into my bedroom every year at Christmas and empties his sack. I think its my dad. What should I do?
Be good all year round... and be sure to leave out cookies, milk and a condom.

My mother says a clean penis is a healthy penis. She cleans it with her tongue. Is this normal?
Well that is a creepy saying, but yes I suppose it's normal.... my parents cat Eddie cleans his own penis... so be glad you don't have to do it yourself.

My grandmother says I have to have sex with her. She says this is what other kids do. Is this true?
Ask the other kids... I find it hard to believe that your grandmother is having sex with ALL those kids.

My dad takes pictures of me naked. I'm only 11 years old. He says I could be a model. Do you think he is telling the truth?
Well I don't think he can tell if you can be a model yet.  Try to set up a webpage with those pictures or you'll never see any real money... and that is what it's all about.  And be sure NOT to send me the link... I don't find kids appealing... in fact I hate them all except for Marley (the daughter of a friend) who writes about wolf attacks taking the baby away in the night.

My stepmother is an alien. Do you think I could sue. Due to breach of copywrite?
Doubtful... or everyone could sue that movie "Reality Bites".

why is my accountng teacher insane
two reasons... 1. this person is a teacher.   2.  They teach accounting.

when are the humens going to die out,,, and when are the sock monkeys going to take over?
well the humans die out in the next million years... then the cats take over "felis sapiens" and rule for about 10 million years, and then the sock monkeys will take over.

why does herman always sniff my ass? how can I get him to go way?
stop hiding raw meat in your ass and you'll find that many things leave your ass alone.

what smells like fish the most? a) mikes mom, B) Adam, C) a small squirrel, or d) princess diana
I'd have to say mike's mom, for obvious reasons.

why does uncle mikey have a small penis?
genetics...all the men in your family have this problem.

Hey!! Ya know, ive been coming here for a long time, andyet i have only gotten a reward once or twice! well i think its about time i get one! here is my question! DO YOU LIKE SALTY PEANUTS, OR UNSALTED!!!???-Laser-Monkey
Well my friend... if I just GAVE them away then they wouldn't really mean anything would they? I prefer unsalted, but you're going to have to try again for an award!  I'll keep my eye out for the award-winning question from you.

How can I get a major credit by the time I turn Eighteen?
Send all your money and any sock monkeys you have to me and I'll take care of it for you.

Your site came up while I was searching on Northern Light for bamboo. Who in the hell are YOU? If I plant you in my yard, will you grow?
bamboo?  hmmm... and yes, I will grow in your yard, but not very quickly.  Once the maggots develop, then I will grow quicker.  Be sure to water me twice a day, and I need direct sunlight for at least 2 hours.

I am Dr. SockenMonkeystein I can create sock monkeys, and I have a large assortment of colors, i love it, but the trouble is when i wake up in the morning my sockenmonkeysteins have dirt and grass on their little sockenmonkeystein feet, and a strange reddish brown stain around their mouth and on their hands, my neighbors (or what neighbors i have left, they keep abruptly disappearing, how odd) now keep insisting on executing me, and i am pelted with rotting fruit and old hamburger when i try to go out, i wonder why this is, do you know how i could be a better neighbor? and why are my sockenmonkeysteins expressing such odd behavior? could they be becoming sexually mature? perhaps i should separate the adult males from the juveniles? or should i have them fixed? i take good care of them, and i make sure to pair only the most compatible and matching sockenmonkeysteins together, and i only use the softed and most top quality stuffing, but yet they are still wandering at night, perhaps when i create more i will use 100% cotton socks only..
You can be a better neighbor by giving all your neighbors one of your sockmonkeysteins.  Your sockmonkeysteins are behaving as young sockmonkeysteins do... so yes they are becoming sexually mature.  You need to separate the younger normal ones from the older crazy ones.  If you have them fixed, then the problems will stop.  I'm glad to see that you take good care of them and insist they have a proper diet.  You can send a black sockmonkeystein to me just to be sure though.

i have a penis?
no, that is some chapstick you put in your pocket last week.

When will the mothership come and take us away?
not soon enough... and quite frankly, I'd like to see who's coming on board before I decide to leave.

have you ever experienced lesbian sex if not you should its grrrreat
to the best of my knowledge, no, not directly.  Maybe tomorrow.

if the Good Question Award is awarded to those with good questions then why didn't I get one
you haven't asked a good question... and you didn't even remember to include a question mark!

i don't ask just any stupid question you've got unless it's a good one. right?

why can't you get out of my head?
because you haven't put up the tinfoil wallpaper yet... until you do I can hear all your thoughts.

The human culture can be very annoying at times, especially the children and the old people. Someone told me that ants have a much more complex culture than humans, but I don't find them nearly as annoying. Why is this. -DS
Because ants can't drive cars and cut you off.  Ants can't call you up in the middle of the night with a wrong number.  An ant doesn't do stupid things like start wars or form governments and religions to control your every waking moment.  And you can fry ants with magnifying glasses without being put in jail.

what would you call a person who whats to be like someone else real bad and they steal because of it?
why would they steal because of this?  Obviously they don't have much intelligence.  Give them a britney spears cd, the latest fashions, and sign them up for some retarded reality show.  This will ensure that they never have to think for themselves again, and will have no time to think about copying someone else.

Why do grandmas try to pinch cheeks? It hurts!
trying doesn't hurt... only when they succeed.  To get away, simply bite them and spit out anything that falls off in your mouth in their face.

Why are so many people obbsessed with sex?
Those who don't get any like to complain and think about it all the time.  It's sad, I know.

Is it right for me to want to completely exterminate the human race? I tried it once with the bubonic plague, but that didn't work as well as I wanted it. Is there any thing else I can use instead? -DS
Sure it's right, and try renting the 12 monkeys.  Make sure any virus you spread is quick-killing, but not so quick that it won't spread.

You know all those "Reality" shows where you get a bunch of people together with no one else around? I'd like to know how they got the camera there. And have you ever tried living on a diet of bugs and sea water? Its not that great, in fact, I wouldn't do it again even if the entire human race agreed to become my slaves. -DS
Well they bring in the cameras various ways... but no i haven't tried living on bugs and sea water.  And those shows are just bullshit anyways.  They are getting worse and worse.  Instead of hating characters in shows, we can now hate real people.  We can see people suffer, and wonder what else they will do for money.  That temptation island bullshit is unbelievable... what an example that was to teens everywhere.  They put sluts and fuckups on the island and tempt them with sex.  Pathetic and they should kill everyone who watched it too.  If humans agreed to be my slaves, I'd eat bugs and then have them all kill themselves.  I hope that this answer has brought sunshine into your life!

Hey, Im just curious about what your opinion is, Do you think the american government is a democracy, or an oligarchy? I think the latter, even though every ignorant amerikan claims its democracy. Ever see a bum running for office!? Im voting Biafra.-Laser-Monkey
I would like to see a bum run for office too.  I honestly don't care what the american government is... it will eventually fail... not that we already see this happening! Maybe you should run for office, I'd vote for you if I was american... but luckily I'm not.
hehe, thanks... i might run... if i grow up. i am an anrachist on the other hand, so the fat ignorant asswarts wont vote for me, cept for the punks... we can always rely on them ;)-Laser-Monkey

if we have really smart people in the world, why dont we control their minds and make them make smart pills so we can all be smart?
First of all, we have to find a way to control their minds.  While TV is usually a good way to do this, the smart people will be too smart to sit for hours watching it.  Secondly, if there were smart pills, then millions of people would suddenly realize how incredibly stupid they were, and how they have destroyed their world, their lives, and others lives... and they would kill themselves... hey... that's not so bad... start producing smart pills!

Who do you think will will be the first to take over the world: Canadians, Microsoft, McDonalds, or aliens from some other planet? -DS
I've already covered this!!!!  Microsoft already did it along with McDonalds... we must fight them!  Don't let them brainwash you and feed you their products or food!!!! The cats will ultimately take over, so you be nice to them and maybe buy them catnip and treats so they don't make you into kitty-litter cleaning slaves.

is it time?, is it safe? , will it hurt?, are you going to hold my hand?, thanx your the best
Not it's not time, no it's not safe, yes it will hurt an awful lot, and no, I don't know where your hand has been.  I know I'm the best... but thanks.

dont you think its about time for you to ask the questions??
Yea, but no one ever gives me believable answers... or they say "no one knows that" and then push me away.

If helen keller was psychic, would you say she had the fourth sense?
I wouldn't say anything really because I don't think about it.

Why do some people enjoy eating each other's shit during sex?
because it turns them on... duh!  The question is... can they tell what the other person ate the day before?

Is it illegal to charge an admission fee to a free-for-all?
Yes, but charge double for the drinks, and water them down.  Put out pretzels, it makes them more thristy.

when mother walked to the mall there was a man in a schnazzy shiny jacket she paid him 10 dollars and he brought her into the broom closet what the hell is she doing in there?
Organizing her broom collection.  That man was a prominent broom-dealer.

Why is oral sex so stimulating, you got some chick sucking you with a mouth full of cum, sick, sick shit.
That's the way it is for males receiving oral sex.  If is the female receiving it, then it's different.  Basically, whoever is on the receiving end is the lucky one... unless it's a 69 deal... then it's winners all round.  And if you don't like it... send the person over to my place.

I read in a magazine that dolphins are very horny and they wrap their penises around people and drag them around the water.
I have never heard that... but that sure would explain all those flipper episodes... 

adam has humped his mom once again, how do you get him to stopp!!!!
who are you to tell him to stop?  if his mom doesn't like it, then she'll ground him.  Keep your nose out of it.

If you type in gibberish or just plain retarded questions, they will be DELETED and receive no reply. alright?

i really dont have a question. i just wanted to tell u that i hate u and everyone else and i wish that we would die already and get ot pver with. and if it doesnt happen soon i will make it happen. Doctor_Jonny, M.S.
Excellent!  Good luck on your mission.

Where are you from? Is there any spaghetti there? -DS
Canada, and yes.  My mother makes the best spaghetti, but I can no longer eat it.

manuals on women that are useful?  hardly.  And there are none on men either.  You see, everyone is different.  I know the ways of all humans... and for a certain amount of money I will share this information with you.  I would love to make millions, but so far no one seems to want to give it to me!  Everyone should send me money and sock monkeys.

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