if i fell in the middle of a forest, with no-one around to hear me... would i die from excessive blood loss from a gash in my leg caused by falling on that damn bracken? hmmm!
Neither.  You would die from the silence of no one giving a shit.

i am studying the idea of starting a midget farm, i think this is a very good idea, i would be able to sell midgets to people that can aford a fair price, these midgets would be peerBreed cute midgets with cute pet names like "Fluffy" "Rover" and "Spot". people are often saying how cool it would be to have a midget, but the thought has accurd what would these people use these midgets for? "besides kinky sex" SIGNED: DeadRatMonkey
Midgets are great for kiddie pools.  They fit in there nicely.  Try it!  And sell the pools with them.  I'll take two.

have you seen anything on the internet about chemtrails, and have you seen any evidence of them in your area?
I have seen many ufos around here... but never on the Internet.  Oh wait... chemtrails... i have no comment.

Ok, DC, you used to be my hero, but then you had to go and insult my much bigger hero, Lars Ulrich, so I'm going to have to kill you now. That's right, I am coming to kill you and steal your cat and all your sock monkeys. How do you feel about that?
I think it's kinda amusing.  Sorry I had to diss him, but damn... why doesn't he shut up?  He should just play the drums like they pay him to. I'm waiting for you...

Humans are the only mammals with belly buttons. Why dont cats and dogs have belly buttons?
I've already answered this... I said that their cords were never cut off, and that that's what their tails are.  Because of this, they do not have belly buttons.

Dearest DC, What was your new years resolution? and what do you think of the word "spiffy", I have used this word for a long time, and now everyone seems to be saying it..everywhere, It made me quite paranoid, but now I'm just angry, everyone always criticized and laughed at poor spiffy, and now everyone loves it, and abuse it to fit in, when i hear them say it, i just want to punch them in the face, my mom said it the other day, and i actually drew my fist back, but she apologized, so could you please help me come up with a new, BETTER, adjective?
I don't make resolutions.  Spiffy is a damn spiffy word.  Hmm... I got called an 'old person' cuz I used it the other day.  Funkliscous is the word I use.... feel free to use it as well.

Why do chinese waiters and waitresses seem to be pissed off when I ask for chop sticks? They don't even give them to me, I have to get up and steal some.
Why not buy your own and take them around with you?  And they're just pissed cuz they don't know how to use them.

Have you seen any of the Aphex Twin videos like "come to daddy" or "window licker"?
No, and I've never heard of them.  I have however, heard Acid DC and it rocks.  Also, for those who like really strange and heavy shit... digital hardcore's Schizoid rocks... for those who need it... http://www.mp3.com/aciddc and http://www.schizoid.org 

I was gone last weekend and while I was gone my brother let 2 strangers have sex in MY bed! I'm sooo grossed out and pissed off. The strangers didn't even clean up their mess and left the used condoms all over the floor. I made my brother clean up the mess, but I'm still grossed out and very pissed off. What should I do? I can't even enjoy sleeping in my bed anymore without thinking about what those diseased crab infested strangers did. I feel violated. How could I get back at my brother?
Well I would switch beds with him, or make him buy you a new one.   If neither of those work, have sex in his bed, or at least leave the appearance of it.  Then paint everything he owns pink and slap NSYNC stickers all over his car (or school locker depending on his age).

how old am i?
about 'that' old.

why do we have sex?
probably cuz i told you i loved you... but i lied.

why am i addicted to this site? - love the new look by the way- i thought the hitch hikers guide to the universes books rocked - did you? rock, i mean.
because all good things are addictive.  glad you liked the look.  Yes, I just finished reading those books yesterday.  For once, I'm not bullshitting you... 

why is it that the game TETRIS is so fucking stupid, but yet so fucking adicting?? SINGED: DeadRatMonkey
I'm not sure... if I knew, I wouldn't have over thousands and thousands of lines done on my game boy... 

i had no idea that the dead puppys quote would be so important to this site when i submittedit awhile back.acctualy its the title of a song, dont know the bands name thats why i credited dr.demento. anyways why is it that people or at least most teenagers wont shut up about their sexual experiances.sometimes they say something cool but i only need to hear it once.did you know my girl friend calls me a slut? also why do i feel a bit uncomfterble if im not wearing at least 1 artical of black clothing?do you feel the same way?--db"_"
I don't recall you ever sending that quote in, but either way, it IS Dr. Demento that does that song, and that is why I gave HIM credit for it.  Teenagers don't shut up period, so the best way to handle the problem is to steer the conversation to something you can tolerate.   My monkey is a slut.  Black clothing is the only type that should be sold.  I always am wearing black.

Greetings,i shall get straight to the point.For what must be 5 years now i have been trying to destroy the universe.Sofar i have been thwarted in every attempt.I was wondering if you good people at insane domain could help ?
Certainly! Just start up a religion... and after everyone has joined, have them kill themselves.  Or buy up a McDonalds and continue what they're doing now... don't tell me that world domination isn't what they're after!

would you call me insane if i were to drink my on piss and sky dive with a bike at the same time? is love really so stupid that you have to buy it in a box from E-bay? does EVERY ONE really have a uncle Tom?-it sure seems so SIGNED: DeadRatMonkey
No, I'd call you stupid.  Yes.  I have two uncle toms.

Why do people seem to have to fit EVERY swear they can into a sentance (Damn-shit-yo-mother -fuckah')??
Because they have such a limited vocabulary that the only words they can think of are those.  If you taught them 10 new words, they'd forget all the swearing.  Next time someone does that, start spewing off different words to them until they either learn or go away.

Are you Jesus? Because I firmly believe that you r the messiah.
well i am... but i sure ain't jesus.  I am DC the insane messiah sock monkey.

Do you love me DC I still love you, you should have pictures of you guys on your site.
of course i love you... and by love i mean give me your money and i'll pretend to love you in public.  And i think there are a few pictures of us... maybe just one with jcp & poptart on it though... i'm not sure anymore but i'll be updating pictures soon anyways.  

the name of the band who who first sang "dead puppies" was the(drum roll please)......The ogden edsl wahalia bluse ensembe mondo bizzario band! dont belive me go to the dr.d web site go to to playlist aug.18 1996.and it was me that sent the quoet in i know my own bad spelling when i see it. anyways was the cyclops fighting the 5 headed monster until it cried? doyou ever wrap yourself up in plasic?i know i do:)boom boom and bye bye--db"_"
Good job jr. insane child.  Well, I did actually make the quote up while listening to it, but great minds think alike... and fools seldom differ.  Yes, the cyclops did cry, but the whole incident ended many years later on a talk show.  I have not wrapped myself in plastic, as i do not really like plastic.  I have wrapped myself in nothing and ran around though.  Frightened my poor cat.

no its not HIS song but he has sung it.i will find out who sang the song first.as far i know he just sings songs that are already out or he revamps them, like that shaving cream song.do you know wich one im talking about? anyways "love" that evidende of crying baby found it reminds me of the onion.www.theonion.com(you can delete this if you want to but i recommend you go there yourself)ive seen some smart people turn to stupid people why is it that they choose to become stupid people?stay freaky --db"_"
Ahhh... and here I thought it was his song... I have been LIED to by TV.  I'm glad you liked the crying baby... and smart people can become stupid people many different ways.  They could be very stupid in relationships, or just think they are so smart that they don't realize when they've veered off track.  Plus, TV is constantly trying to convince people to be stupid and to not think for themselves.

How come every time I heat up a chicken pot pie the middle of it is always fuckin cold!!?
because it has been designed to infururate the common people of the world.  the government is using you in an experiment... testing the limits of your frustration.  they are trying to figure out how humans think, so they can create robots to replace us.  stay away from those pot pies... and whatever you do... don't let them get to you.

should i really kill, kill, kill the poor tonight?
no way... kill the rich!  Start off with any owners of FOX tv... and anyone who is even thinking of watching the pathetic survivor rip off that is designed for stupid fuckers to watch and think "hey! Tempting someone to break up is a great thing... it's legal prostitution!"... then go to mcdonalds owners, and kill them.  Drop off the heads to bill gates, and go home.  Be sure to send us pictures.

When ever i go to visit my granny at the old folks home, i always have a panic attack, kick her face in with her own orthopedic shoes, and steal her Rascal and go to mexico to buy Velvet elvis paintings and crack, how can i stop this...i'm runing out of grandmas!...love beck
Well, I would suggest simply buying your grandma a computer, having it delivered and installed for her, and you two communicate through video.  That way you can still get money from her on your birthday, and you can always fake a computer glitch and ignore her for weeks..

that robot keeps stealing my sandwhich, how can i get him to stop?
make two sandwiches, give one to the robot to eat.  Ask it what type of sandwiches it likes to avoid beatings.

What is a wish bone mustace?
when the mustache is long enough for two people to grab an end and pull until the mans face splits in two.  If you have the biggest piece at the end, you get to eat his brains and make a wish.

when ever i eat alot of Shrooms and Cold Ez, i always see a 7 foot tall Mars bar by the name of Charles, well.....Charles and i are friends, how can i still visit my friends and not be wacked out?.......love Beck "may i check your prostate" marie
Well, you could try depriving yourself of sleep for days, or simply whacking yourself on the head until you do see them.

if you have no thumbs how do you hitchhike?---Monkey
Duh... I use my electronic thumb.
wow... 3 monkey butts... you better come up with some good questions next time to make up for this.

I stabed someone with a pen once, have you ever done that? I tried stabing my boyfriend with a french fried but he tried the same thing. Anywho, my question is, how can I stop this behavior? Or should I just give in to it and stab everyone I see... or only stupid people ~P.N.
I have been stabbed in the forehead with a pen by someone once... why would you stop?  Stabbing people with french fries is perfectly acceptable behavior.  You can stab stupid people with the crispy over cooked fries.

why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?---Monkey
This has already been answered somewhere here.  Get more original anyways...

if you stand on a toilet are you high on pot?---Monkey
No, you're some idiot on a toilet thinking about stupid things and you should have your head flushed down the toilet.

if huddle house is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week why does it have locked doors?---Monkey
I have already answered this too.

what custodial engineer hell is a sock monkey
A sock monkey is great for stopping drafts from coming under the door.

how come you bastards won't let anyone contribute to people that suck? Are you afraid I might say you?
No, it's because we don't have enough time to set up the forms, go through the info and put it online.  Plus, we're funnier then you.

How many of you here really have sock monkeys your not telling about?
Well I have quite a few... I have a girl one, a boy one, a small one, an even smaller one and a tree ornament one.  Who cares about anyone else?

if snickers really satisfies then why do they make king sizes??
Duh... the king size ones are for the kings... it satisfies them.  They are better then you and I.... didn't you know that?

are you a freak yourself
Yes.

do you know who i am
no, and nor do I care!

would you happen to be in need of a massiah?
Absolutely not.  I take responsibility for my own actions... I don't need you to blame them on.... but thanks for the offer.

Are you gay? I'm not feeling very gay today, and I scared my cat. What do you do when you don't feel gay? ~P.N.
Well, I just watch all the Shirley Temple movies I can find and learn a few of the dances.  That always does the trick.

If trix are for kids, how come there aren't more pimps in kindergarden?
because bunnies are sick and twisted creatures... besides that... i don't know, kids suck.

Spam and jesus; are they really so different? Both hairy, neither is/was liked by Jews, they both come alive again a few days later, despite repeated pokings, and the majority of people only turn to them in complete desperation... I think I am onto something.... -spamgoose
well let's continue the comparisons... both are sold to the masses, you really don't want to know the truth about them, crazy people consume extensive amounts, and those who stay away from them are usually better off.  I think you are onto something.

i think my sock monkey is gay, what should i do?
Buy it another sock monkey.  Then send them both to me.  Plus, to me gay has two meanings, each completely different depending on how used.  
1.Gay.  A person who prefers the same sex as they are as a mate.  Although I don't really care either way what people like, as long as they leave me out of it unless I want to be in it, I am sometimes forced to use this word in the context that I just listed.   I know you're asking yourself... "so what does DC use instead of the word gay?"  Well, I don't use anything.  Two people together are two people together.  They each have a name, they can be referred to as a couple.  I don't see the problem people have, but I'm a sock monkey... so maybe it's a human limitation.  
 I prefer to use gay in the following way...
2. Gay.  Something that is lame.  As in, "that movie was gay".  Movies that I consider gay...
Beaches.  Any movie with a kid as the star made by disney.  Any movie with an animal as the star.  Scream.  Blair Witch.  Any movie with a britney spears song in it.  Any movie where some nerd is miraculously made gorgeous and becomes popular.  Did that answer your question well enough?

What turns the sock monkey on?
a pile of rotting turkey gizzards and some new stuffing.

as a puplic service i will teach you to say promisscuous i lin speak.do you want to learn?too bad.ready?wicked sluty.that clear enough for you? did you know another meaning for the male belly-button is sperm bank.ok we all know about stupid people but why do they exsist?nature or nurture, both, none?how?--db"_"
They exist because they're stupid parents are too stupid to know that they shouldn't breed.  Hold me closer, keep me near my underwater love.  Sometimes death doesn't mean a thing.

i'm being stalked by a gay were-wolf wearing pink spandex. what should i do?
The obvious!  Offer the wolf a soy snack and start a yoga program.   Then we'll sue you for using our idea.  Then you'll sue because that's what happens. Then counter-sue and after our lawyer is done, we'll have the pink spandex as well as a delightful soy snack.

have you ever been tied bent over a chair with a dynamite stick up your ass herd a match strike behind you and then heard the devil says "IT'S BOOM BOOM TIME."?also have you ever thought that all people lie to themselves too much?--db"_" db=free thinker
To the best of my knowledge, I have never spoken with the devil, much less engage in sexual activities with him/her.  Of course all people lie to themselves too much... most people actually think that they matter!

remember the days when we were able to make people's genitals grow wings and fly away?damb those were good days.....good days......--db
Indeed they were...  Sometimes I like to pretend I'm there again...

Whats the bg deal with christmas. Its a shitsuckers holiday. Why get more preasants on Christs birthday than on mine. i dont care if he is the son of god its just not right.
Well, if there wasn't any xmas, can you imagine what other commercial nightmare they'd force on us in the name of religion?  We're lucky we get presents and not burnt at the stake.

Why do we petty americans celebrate thanksgiving? Is it supposed to make us feel all warm and fuzzy to remenice about how we invaded this country and killed off all our native americans? sheesh.
That's the american way! Embrace your heritage!  Soon you'll be consuming oil like no tomorrow, carrying guns around cuz all the 13 year olds have them, and eating as much McDonals shit you can possibly get your fat hands on.  Also, arrange a skiing trip in July for Toronto... it's always snowing there!  Ahhh... that felt better.

Boy, it's funny. People ask you questions like they think you're God or something and you're just another person and no you're not a sock monkey you pinhead! I'm so tired of Evolution! One thing I know is that I didn't come from a freakin' monkey! You suck! How can you hate Christmas? You must be some kind of retard to have a website like this! What's worse, is that people actually treat you like you're superior to them! It feels good to get that off my chest!
Yes I am a sock monkey, how would you even know if I was or wasn't?  You came from that sticky brown goo found under rocks.  Yes I suck, but only when it tastes good.  Retarded people shouldn't be made fun of... that's just they way they are.  Glad to see you're feeling better... it was great chatting with you.  And for those who do think I'm god, well that is just not right.  It's not my fault people born to die each day, and that stupid fucking people come to your door each sunday... I'm just a sock monkey.

Why are baby predators cuter than baby harmless creatures? ~P.N.
cuz stupid humans like the idea of predators being cute at some point.  All cats are gorgeous no matter their age though.

Everyday feels the same. What should I do?
Change your routine... and buy new clothes.

What is my purpose for being a human?
To die.  That's it.  We have an article on what it means to be human... but i'm too lazy to link to it right now.  Go find it yourself under articles.

have you ever seen a baby pigeon? where do they come from? me and my friends have talked about this and still have'nt recieved a possible answer.layla
no, and i would assume they come from large squids who shoot out the babies.  They then float to the top of the water, then dry out and fly away to start shitting on buildings.

If the reason people live is to die, then what about us immortals?
your reason to live is to live.  immortals are more in a hell situation then the short lived ones.  life is a parade of events that whiz by and then suddenly stop altogether.  For immortals, its just one long boring parade.

Why the hell do people ask if you're insane? Can't they read the name of this web site?
well, people are just stupid.  humans are masters of the obvious, and they never cease to point it out.

I was chatting shit to my dad one day and he told me that my cheese had slid off my cracker. But i wasn't eating a fuckin cracker...I don't even like em!!! Was he hallucinating or is he seriouly trying to screw with my head, man? p.s. a sock monkey keeps prodding me in the middle of the night. If you don't tell him to stop it, i'm gonna get hold of it, cover the fucker with a pillow and suffocate it until it stops breathing! that'll teach him...don't ya think??
Did you check the floor for your cheese?
Why do you have problems with the sock monkey prodding you?  If you don't like it, what's it doing in your place in the middle of the night?  Exactly!

How much do Butlers get paid? I cant find out and its driving me mental.
I honestly don't know... but maybe 15 or 20 cookies would do it for a day of service.

HI DC!! I'M BACK!! My name is different now. arent you going to kill your self?
-Laser-Monkey, formerly known as GrimmKaos
No, actually I'm not.  Maybe some other time.

i have a question that maybe schizoid should answer. where in hell can i find CRASS pictures? i've never seen a picture of even one member, but on the other hand, i don't have all their albums, so maybe they're in there. please help!
I'll forward that to schizoid tomorrow.

nouestion. i just like that little fade thing your site does.
thanks... we had forgotten it was there... a little transition effect from old front page... enjoy

OH SHIT!! Crass kicks ass! I know a site with cool Crass pics heres the address: http://hem.passagen.se/hellacop/crass.htm
Crass is great! Do they owe us a living?? OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DO!
-Laser-Monkey, a.k.a GrimmKaos.
Well there you go.

are there diferent stages of photosynthisis? honestly do you know
The Steps in Photosynthesis
1) The light energy strikes the leaf, passes into the leaf and hits a chloroplast inside an individual cell.
2) The light energy, upon entering the chloroplasts, is captured by the chlorophyll inside a grana.
3) Inside the grana some of the energy is used to split water into hydrogen and oxygen.
 4) The oxygen is released into the air.
5) The hydrogen is taken to the stroma along with the grana's remaining light energy.
 6) Carbon dioxide enters the leaf and passes into the chloroplast.
7) In the stroma the remaining light energy is used to combine hydrogen and carbon dioxide to make carbohydrates.
8) The energy­rich carbohydrates are carried to the plant's cells.
9) The energy­rich carbohydrates are used by the cells to drive the plant's life processes.
From: http://www.alienexplorer.com/ecology/e65.html

should i wear my black underwear or my green ones?
go for the green if you think or plan on someone seeing them.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ECSTACY TO GET OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?
well that depends on how you installed it.  Look for the uninstall program.  If you still feel happy and loveable, then hit yourself in the head until everything turns black.  When you awake, it should all be over.

Whats the deal with old people?
buy one... get two free.

Man, you are messed up! I just wasted about three minutes of my life on your website! I know you're sock a sock monkey because you obviously got the ability to type worthless crap on a web page! I also know that there is a God and I did not come from sticky brown goo! Well I've just wasted another couple minutes typing this question!
That wasn't a question at all.... but nice to hear from you little brown goo. Come back again real soon and enjoy more of the site!

Can a women really get pregnant by having sex with a dog?
i'm not too sure about that... but uh... that sure would explain a LOT.

Do you prefer carrots dipped in garlic sauce, or roasted elephant tongue?
Carrots all the way... especially since I don't eat meat... and I don't think elephant would taste too good anyways.  I wonder... if all you fed to an elephant was peanuts... would it taste mildly peanut buttery?  no... i didn't think so either.

HEY! there were reviews for shit and stuff... what the hell happened?? where are they? do you like apple cider?-Laser-Monkey
we still have the reviews... somewhere.  we took them down cuz it was a pain in the ass to update.  we're looking into making it database driven... but we're lazy.  And yes, I do like apple cider.

well all and all i wore my red underwear and when my lady saw them i got the wacky coment of "hey red underwear" i then had no underwear, so how was your evening?
Fine I suppose, I have a bit of a headache.

hello i would just like to know why i did not get an abswer to a question i was seriously asking, not joking kine.
we don't answer questions round here... we just raise them chickens.... and sock chickens.

are you single?
I am but one sock monkey, although I feel sometimes, like more.

I'm forced to hang out with my really old grandma for the weekend. What fun things can I do at my grandmas house?
Hide her medicine... see what family secrets she's willing to spill to get them back.  Record them all... make a living off the blackmail fees.  What an opportunity for you!

why do I see so many perfect looking people wearing abercrombie? Whats up with that store?
huh?  never heard of it.  and perfect looking people are always perfect bitches or perfect assholes.  stay away from any brand they wear... it's the tag to a bad time that only looks good from the outside.

The elephants shit would taste like peanut butter. Wow! a new way to make peanut butter!! -Laser-Monkey
New?  how do we know they don't make it that way now?

I belive Macintosh is the spawn of satan, and they must all be destoyed. What do you beleive? -DS
I believe that spawn is a wicked cartoon, and that it shouldn't be destroyed.  I only know one person with a Mac, and they love it... but then he is Johnny Poptart Graphic Designer Extraordinaire.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY THE BLOOD TYPE JUST BY LOOKING AT IT? HA! Amateur!!-Laser-Monkey
Since I am but a novice... I am still at the stage where I have to taste the blood found in feces before I can identify it.  And most times I'm wrong and have to do a re-tasting.

You know, I seriously believe McDonalds is on a conspiericy for world domination. Do you agree? Damn over-priced bastards.
They are in the business of real estate and advertising.  The whole food thing is just a sham to hold the whole thing together.  If you don't like it... don't eat there and support them.

Why do people like the taste of blood? Like licking someone else's small cut???? Why is that almost arousing?
Well, blood is kinda salty... but has a unique flavor.  The human stomach can't handle a whole lot of it, so small cuts work the best.  It's almost arousing because blood is the essence of life, so by taking in someone else's blood, it's can be perceived as being quite intimate.... or psychotic... either way make sure they agree to it before you do it.

When are you going to put a picture of yourself DC in your pictures section, I love you , I'd love to see what you look like. Did I mention I love you??? love the Ice Pryncess , PS- bet you thought i had forgotton you, never............
oh yes... pictures.  well maybe i will put up pics sometime. I think only jcp and johnny poptart are pictured now.  No you didn't mention that you loved me... but feel free to mention it again... with cash and cds... i really like people who do that for me... I'll even love you back for awhile.

Dear DC,
I am really embarrassed to be writing this, but I really need help.  I'm a 30 year old lady that baby-sits two little kids.  One is 11 and the other is 3.  I'm in love the 11 year old.  I really love him in a non-motherly way, but more of a concubine way.  I need your help, as I think he likes another 11 year old.
Ms. Babysitter
PS - I'm married and have 13 kids.  If you don't answer my plea for help, I'll start babysitting your kids.
Well, I know one thing is for certain, I sure don't have to worry about my kids cuz I don't have any.  As for your problem, I suggest you stop babysitting this great big hunk of a man.  Go out and try to find a job at the market or some store.  It'll take your mind off it for awhile.  Try to go for someone your own age next time, or perhaps even your husband.

do plants grow better under colored lights? i need a damn answer jerk it is for my science fair project!!!
well... I have already answered a similar question to this... and I will copy what I said then and give it to you know... just so you don't have to waste your time reading through it all yourself...
Well, as far as what is in "Color Psychology and Color Therapy" by Faber Birren, experiments were done with plants and different colors by Dr. Withrow.  He found that responses differed for long-day and short-day plants.  In long-day plants, the greatest response occurred in the red region.  Under yellow, green, and blue the plants did not grow tall or flower, but the foliage was abundant.  A plant treated under infrared did not flower.  With short-day plants, supplementary red light hindered flowering. Now you don't need to go to any other site, but you may want to go to library or get the book I mentioned for more information.  Bet you didn't think I'd give you a real answer...
The whole thing about light and plants responses are in the book I had mentioned.  The whole thing is kinda interesting.  I'd make a quick trip to the Internet and find some other refrences too.  When you're done, you can come back and read the rest of all these questions and answers.

Oh, I see, well as long as you are getting better, remember, practice makes perfect!!-Laser-Monkey
Yea, well I try... maybe someday I'll be as great as you are.

I have a real ass for a science teacher an I have to do a investigative science project, what do U suggest? -Pyro
I suggest you test the effects of peer pressure.  Target someone, pressure them into it, take pictures and write up your report.  That or do something that has to do with testing shit for blood....

How big are monkey balls?-Pyro
Well, that depends on the monkey and it's genes.  Some monkeys have large hariy balls, other have small less hairy balls and yet others have strange bumpy balls.  Which are the best? well, that all depends on what you want to do with them.

what is your take on japense fighting fish???
well, although I have personally partaken in this event, I would have to say that on the whole, it is a completely barbaric event.  I mean, two grown women in skimpy outfits fighting in a ring filled with mud... it's just not a humane event... and then calling them fish... and japenese ones at that!  No wonder they're fighting!

Jeez DC, looks like your popularity is falling. oh well, less work for you.Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your knowledge on bloody feces?
I was popular at some point? And I missed it?  Damn!   I would have to say that my knowledge is at about a level 1.  I can identify that there is blood in the feces, but that's it.

so dc how are you?its been a long time since i was here. do you miss me?ohh well ever been in down town reason?let me go and i'll love you more said the one armed monkey.why do people constantly try to be like everyone else? are you scared?--db"_"
welcome back... I've missed your questions.  I've been down town of this city... one armed monkey?  poor thing.  Very few people can think for themselves, so in desperation, they just copy whoever looks like they know what they're doing.  I'm scared that these morons are running the world.

Why do I feel the urge to ask questions just to get the good question award?
because getting one of them is the ultimate dream of all intelligent beings.

Why doesnt anyone believe me when I tell them about my fairy? I lost all of my friends because of this. NOBODY BELIEVES ME!!!!!!
well then they don't deserve to know about them.  Fairies are elusive creatures... so be nice to yours.

Why is it that everyone on the planet is a complete asshole and noone listens to me so I sit out in the corner and talk to myselF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because most people on the planet are humans... and humans suck.  Get used to it, or shut the hell up and kill yourself.... or just keep coming here to remind yourself that insanity is a good thing.

What is the importance of non-traditional cheese(i.e. Dolphin cheese, rhino cheese and the all powerful human cheese) in our society?
well, I honestly can't say... but for myself... I'd have to say that human cheese has totally ruined my life.  Stay away from it kiddies... it's dangerous shit.

actually blood does not taste salty, it's quite coppery and has a "sharp" taste, i had a friend once who used to bite herself and lick her blood, she was a dumbass, probably still is, anyways, for a question..which is the best, honey or cinnamon sugar (graham cracker) p.s. for the person who sees fairies, is your name katie, and is your fairy named jake???
I prefer the cinnamon sugar... as I am a fan of cinnamon.

did you ask your self the same qustions when they through you out of the car?
Not always... depends on what I'm about to land on.

is it bad to smell funny?
depends on your definition of funny... sometimes funny is a bad smell, sometimes it's just different.  Also, if funny doesn't want to be sniffed, then leave her the hell alone.

Actually, I think they sell that elephant shit peanut butter at the gecko licking booth thats about a block down the dtreet from where you live.-DS
Is THAT what I'm licking... damn... i would have never guessed!

what if no plants grew, what would happen to the world
well we sure wouldn't be here... and pretty much nothing else for that matter.  I'd have to say that the world would just be cold and lifeless.... or volcanic or something.

WHAT DO U DO IF YOU CAN'T FIND A LOO IN AN ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN?
go in the rosebush.

can u tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street?
it's somewhere over the rainbow... way up high...

 how do you fce reality everyday without going totally insane and killing yourself?
uh... i AM insane... and only stupid people should kill themselves.

If a cat has a rat stuck up it's butt will it immediatly eat it while it's still stuck in it's butt or will it try to shit it out first?
It will probably try to pull it out and then eat it.

How do you make a voodoo doll?
Uh... that I don't know... and I think it depends on what type of voodoo you are practicing.  I seem to remember something about a fingernail and a piece of hair... but that is probably just one form of voodoo.  If you're just some punk kid wanting to hurt some other kid who stole your blankie... then just give it up... if you're actually interested in voodoo, then try about.com for information.

Hmm... Human Cheese, how does it taste? Don't tell people to kill themselves, tell them that they have problems and no body wants to hear them wine or that nobody gives a shit and live with it cuz we all got problems scary ones!
i haven't had human cheese... so i can't comment... although if anything like real humans, it should be filthy and bitter.

where can i find information on building a real cherroke indan todem pole and the meaning behind each section for which they stand for?
well it certainly ain't here.  I would suggest giving up and just selling your blood on the street.

ok i went out with this girl for like 5 months and i fell in love with her,we broke up and its been like 6 months and i cant get over her.everything staied with me and i cant forrget about it and when i tell her about this she cares but i want to start over already.what should i do?
Well if she doesn't want to start over, then deal with it and move on.  Try not to send dead animals to her house either, as that usually doesn't go over well.

Yeah, blood tastes like friggin doorknobs. God am i the only one who hates teh taste of blood?? -Lasa-munki
I'm sure that somewhere out there, someone else doesn't like the taste of blood either.

Hello DC are you ever afraid, afraid of what is behind you? is it me or your ass, maybe I took it that's right I have you precious little ass muwahahahahahaha!
My ass is precious and little?  wrong ass then pal... nothing that is a part of me is precious and little!  You might have my cats ass though... 

why is eminem so controversial when he is doing what all other rappers have been doin for years?
who enema??  rappers... sigh... get off my site.... none of that is allowed here.

my best friend is a pink fluffy bunny, but he's sleeping w/ another bunny what should i do?
get them fixed before you are surrounded by little pinkish bunnies.

how can i gain psychic powers?
you develop them over a number of years. find yourself a teacher.... and pay them thousands to speed up the process.  In fact, if you send the money to me, i can help you in a few weeks.

i got eaten by a large cheese yesterday and i can't get out can you help me?
you are alive and have a computer... what else do you need? enjoy!

why did god make me a midget, did you?
if i could make people midgets, i wouldn't be answering this question.

how many sock monkeys did u have anal sex with?
what day in specific are you talking about?

I was wondering why you respond to morons like that guy who asked why people are assholes and don't listen to him, the answer is simple, just shut the fuck up and die!
I respond to almost all the questions... although I have been deleting the 'plants & light' questions lately.... and i answer them cuz that's what this section is for!

Hmmmm... is that smell old cheese or ass?
could be both

Small children seem more evil and sadistic than me, I always wondered why?
well, small children are getting more evil.  watch their cartoons like pokemon and that sort of crap... then you'll understand.

my friend is casting magic spells on me what should i do?
if they are good, then enjoy.  if they are not, the you can scour the web for ways to protect yourself and drive yourself crazy... or you can just feel content that they probably couldn't get it to work even if they did do it right and forget the whole crap.

when monkey sock puppets attack is it very dangerous or just stupid?
depends on the sock monkey puppet and the level of martial arts training it has.  Just kill the person attached to the sock monkey by the arm... usually the sock puppet dies with them.

Why do people have so much free time that they can sit here and ask you disturbing questions? My self included.
well, the whole point of life is to do things you like, and even though society tells you to work and do things for anything but pleasure, this is one bit of pleasure that you people get... you finally get to ask those questions that are too stupid to ask someone in person.

I was just wondering why my nose bleeds when I shove a small squirrel up it or a large dog?
because you haven't clipped their nails.  do that before you shove any animal in any body hole.

If I eat you will you be happy?
depends how good you are.

My friend was just fucked by his mother who was fucked by her mother whose granpa she fucked and then got raped by barney, what should he do?
Well he should give up on going to family reunions unless he enjoyed it.

Kitten is a funny word, do you agree?
No.  But mitten sure is funny sounding.

why isn't each country given a colour...and everything in it would be that colour, including the people? purple would be good!
yea, but while traveling, you'd stand out against everyone else... and that would give racism a great big help too... forget that! I demand to choose my own color!

why don't we have magic transporter things soooo that we can just magically transport to where we want to go in seconds rather then getting stuck in traffic jams or having to walk.
I ask that every day and NO ONE ever answers me.  If you ever get an answer, you let me know!

Are humans really people. How do we know dogs aren't people. Or even the carnivorous deer in the national parks. Can we really be certain that humans are people.-DS
humans are not people, but trees are people too. and some people are aliens.

At which age is a child declared insane? Does he/she know that they are insane and different from other children? At what age can a child be possed by a demon?
any age really... there's no rules.  All children are insane, just the parents suck it out of them so they can become a boring adult.  So if the child keeps some of their insanity... then they are considered 'insane".

If I pooed in your mouth would you eat it?
that depends... what did you have for dinner last night?

if a cow laphs does milk come out his nose?
nope, it shoots out all her nipples...

Er, hey, those fucking Candians have been pissing me off, they have it so good. Anyways, I went to a social event, and I realized nobody there wanted to talk to me for some odd reason. So i reached up and took a balloon down from the wall and started to talk to it, but then it exploded! I repeated this process about two more times when suddenly, some guys surrounded me and said I spiked the tea! Then, I went home and stared at my ceiling loathing the very fiber of my being. Why?
canadians don't have it any better... it's just not as bad as it could be.  Well, you popped the balloon who's been rubbing the head of all balloons.... the remax hot air balloon.  That's why the ass kicking... and your ceiling isn't really listening to you.

where can i get sock monkey patterns for free...much less the socks to make the with?
if i knew that... don't you think i'd spend less time answering questions and more time trying to sell them to you?

When will the second coming be?
Depends how good the first one was and how tired I am afterwards.

How can a person judge another person to be insane? I mean that person who thinks that he himself is straight may actually be insane to the other person who was diagnosed insane
Exactly... you see the problem is that the majority of humans are insane and it is the minority who is smart.  So the herd (the majority) decides that normal will be judged as what the herd does... but if the herd becomes totally insane, then the definition of insane changes... and anything that threatens the herd must be insane.  In answer... I don't think anyone can truly judge another to be insane... they just have a different reality then ours.

Darn you! Please go to my website!
Please stop begging me to go to your site.  If you want me to go to it so bad, then send me some money.  Perhaps in the future I will take submissions from people to see their sites, but damnit I just have too many things to do already!  If I visit it, then I visit it, but don't hound me about it like an annoying shit.

If someone asked you, have you ever tasted a dick sweeter than mine, what would you answer? yes or no? ~P.N.
Well that depends on if it was the sweetest or not. Right now I haven't tasted it, so I can't answer.

did you do it before
only once... but it was a dare

why did god curse me with a small dick? from adam morey
are you sure it's really small?  how do you know this? how many others have you compared yours to?  If you're judging by those guys on pornos... they are NOT all the average.

there is a hobo that entered my house. he knows where my forks are. Does god hate me or what?
what is your obsession with this hobo god?

adam seems gay to me, should i kill him?
only if he's the happy sort of gay... those people annoy me... 

actually, that country/color idea is pretty good. It might actually destroy rascism, becuase if you think yer american and make fun of someone from pakistan, then you come home all pround and white, you would find out that your granny is irish, and your mama is italian-irsh, or something. And in multicultural places like new yawk city, the streets would look neato from a low flying helicopter, cuz everything would be colory. dontcha think?-Laser-Monkey, lord of fecal blood.
Yea, most places would look pretty cool if everyone had the different colors... but wouldn't most people end up a strange sort of brown due to the mix of heritage?  I still want my own color damnit.

I think bunnies are scary and spheres are cute. What does that mean?
means about as much as a fancy drawing does to the electric monk.

Sometimes i have to look in mirror behind me to make sure my ass is still there, if i dont check on my ass after a while i get nervous and start to break down what does this mean and what should i do?
glue mirrors to your hand so you don't have to go anywhere to check and it will be easy to check anywhere.  That way you won't waste time worrying about it.

Why is it called the stinky monkey butt award?I HAPPEN TO LIKE STINKY MONKEY BUTTS!!!!!-The child with a fairy.
well then you have a very strange fetish.  I personally don't like stinky monkey butts... so thats the kind of award I give out to people who ask really stupid questions... but since you seem to like the butt... here is one for you....

Are you a cow? If so, why arent you in your cocoon?
No, but if I was a cow, then i would be in my cocoon with my laptop.  At least this lets me know that ONE person has at least read that article!

wHY AM i NOT ALLOWED TO BITE ANYONE? I JUST WANT TO GNAW ON THEIR ARM FOR A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!
you can chew on people, you just haven't found the right people yet.  Also, try asking before you bite.

Where are the aliens? I have been looking for them for a long time and I can't seem to find them under my bed. TELL ME WHERE THE HELL THE DAMN ALIENS ARE!!!!!!!!!!
I know where they are, but due to various reasons that I won't explain, it is for your own good that you don't know.

How do you have sex? This question I have been pondering for quite some time & I just can't seem to the answer to it. Please answer me truthfully. I'll give you a sucker.
How?  Well it involves high places, bungee cords and a safe word.... and of course another sock monkey.  Where's my sucker and it better not be red.

How do you get a midget out of a tree when he's stuck? Should I throw things at him?
lather him up well with butter and the midget should just slip out.  By the way, this works for sexual midget-getting-stuck problems too.

Why does my butt stink? I clean it thuroughly every day!!!!! I even shove rags up it to try to stop the smell!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!?????????
light the rags on fire... no smell after that!

WHY DOES MY DICK HAVE MUSHROOMS GROWING ON IT!!???? ITS ANNOYING HOW EVERYBODY HAS TO EAT OFF IT!!!!
scrape the mushrooms off, find a school and sell them as if they are magic mushrooms.

Where am I? Who am I? Who are you? What this long slender thing Im looking at?? AHHHH ITS GETTING LONG AND HARD!!!!!!!!!
You are there.  You are You.  I am me.  You are looking at the barrel of a gun... just pull the trigger and everything will be alright

how do you get rid of a stalker???!
you stalk and kill them before they kill you

who invented macaroni and cheese
Ms. Marnie Macaroni and Mr. Chicaman Cheese.  They were married in the spring of 1902, and the rest is too cheesy to mention.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop??
too damn many... just bite the damn thing.

Well, I don't have a dick but I'm sure if I had one it would be pretty sweet and I would teach it to stay. Anywho, which ones are creepier, Umpa Lumpas or Lollipopmen? ~P.N.
Umpa Lumpas by far... they insanely wrong hats, they dance and they put white powder into chocolate for all the kids while singing about how fat kids suck and the chorus is them singing their own name.  Lollipopmen just do that pathetic dance and hang onto their belts... 

Why do humans have to go to school? They're already born with all the knowledge they need to know.-DS
so they can learn to make fun of others for superficial reasons, and to unlearn the whole 'thinking for yourself' thing.

why do the british add "U's" to things(i.e. coloUr ,flavoUr) do they really need them?
well... I think that they had done that long before north america was discovered... but yea... i hate those damn u's everywhere too.

why is chocalate so addictive? from short guy
it's not, you just like the taste so much you eat lots of it... and don't eat too much or you'll become short fat guy who's stuck in his house cuz he ate too much damn chocolate!

I CAN DANCE WITH A PEICE OF MACORONI AND THEN FLY AWAY WITH A CHUNKY BANANA!!!!!!! CAN YOU??!?!
yes, and I do nightly... try going to naples... it's nice there.

I was on a ski trip. I was enjoying myself until my monkey hit a tree and died. what should I do to the ski resort to make them pay?? ILL KILL THEM IF YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nah, just apologize to the tree and get a new monkey...and tell this one to use it's tail when it sees a tree approaching to climb up in it. 

I woke up last night to a party. A PARTY OF FAIRIES IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!! IT SEEMS THAT MY FAIRY DECIDED TO THROW A PARTY AT MY HOUSE AND INVITED EVERY OTHER FAIRY THERE. I HAVE EVERY FAIRY HOSTAGE IN MY HOUSE AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF I SHOULD SELL THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET OR KILL THEM???!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO???!?!!?!?!!
shake them and sell their fairy dust... it's worth an awful lot!  Have some of it and you'll be high for days!

Do you believe the assassination of JFK was done by some insane guy, or do you think that the CIA plotted the whole thing because JFK couldn't handle the Cuban missle crisis the way the government wanted him to?
Well, I think that someone shot him and he died.  I think the whole thing is just a pile of crap, and that the truth will never be revealed.  On the other hand, he's dead, and has been for some time... so why do we care anymore?  We know the government lies to us, yet we still pick one of the lying assholes to run the country... the president and priminister are supposed to represent the people.... do they represent YOU???

I want to take over the world, but I don't want to do any manual labor myself and my slaves are on strike. What should I do?-DS
figure out a way to control microsoft... that is about all you can do until the cats take over.

Sticky Brown Goo says: "Whatcha' gonna do when the Hulkster and all his Hulkamaniacs run wild on you?!"
uh.. well I'd try to get out of their way... other then that I guess I'd just try to enjoy the ride.

Do yo despise Valentines Day as much as I do?-DS
if you completely hate it and think that it's just a pile of bullshit that promotes greedy girls and tries to make guys look bad... then yes... yes I do.

Which are worse, Step-parents or in-laws?-DS
hhhhmmmm.... step parents you have to live with... inlaws you don't.  Although you can tell your parents off a lot easier then in laws.  I would say that in laws are worse in the long run, but step parents are worse short-term if you live with them.

hey, listen DC, im going to Santo Domingo for a week, and maybe you can do me a favor, just take over the possesion of Lord of Fecal Blood until monday. PLEASE?? thanks, -Laser-Monkey, lord of fecal blood... kinda
uh... i don't like having blood in my stools... the doctors stick fingers up my ass when i complain of bloody stools... so i'll take the title... but no real blood or shit.  and have a nice trip... bastard.

If you saw the back of your head in a camera, would your mind frap out? I mean, people used to think if you went over 60 mphs, your face would fly off!
my face has flown off many a time... much to my embarrassment.  One such time was the day that i had to renew my liscense.  Boy I'll never forget THAT day.

I hate Valentine's day - there's nothing quite like a day devoted to being a couple to make single girl feel inadequate. All the people with presents that we have been taught represent love, but only represent the greedy consumerism of today's culture that is exploited by greetings card companies make me sick, and what really gets on my nerves is all the couples getting in the way while they get it on in every available space. ARGH!!!! Valentine's Day is one holiday I could do without. Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? Good, good, now that we have the niceties over with, here's my next question - why do Americans complain about the way the British spell some things? (like colour, flavour, centre etc etc) Come on you guys, the language is called ENGLISH, so don't complain about the way ENGLISH people use it - you americans are the ones who've butchered it.
Valentine's was irrelevant.... and yea, the whole U thing doesn't really matter... as the american version has butchered it, just like quebec has mutilated the french language... yet it is still called the same thing.

What is a question? How do I answer a question? How do I ask a Question??? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
Please send your money to me... then I will allow you to ask a question.

What is this thing people keep talking about, god?? What the hell is a "god". -Kud.
along the same lines as santa claus... only not near as friendly and the presents suck.

Are you an alien? The reason I ask this is beause that there may be a race of human looking aliens that are supposed to be really smart, and you seem to be smart because you answer all these questions like a "Dear Abby" type of person with an evil twist to your answers. I want to know the truth.
You can't handle the truth.  And I can neither confirm nor deny if I am alien... but the answer is 'only on fridays'.

Well, I sold the fairy dust like you said, but I have anoher question. When I tried to get high off of it, the mushrooms on my dick grew about three times the size and started talking. I told them to stop, but then the fairies started screaming, ant the mushrooms ate my dick. When the mushrooms finnaly ran off, the fairy sprinkled a pinkish dust and I started flying. The next thing I knew I was on an island where dicks grew out of the ground. Here is the question, am I high right now, or am I really here stealing a replacement dick that I can use???!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!1
You are high right now... enjoy the trip... and whatever you do... DON'T EAT THE SAUSAGE!

My friend just beat the shit out of himself and he says he wants to kill someone. Should i sic him on a total asshole?
beat the shit out of himself?  were you watching? is that normal? was it interesting?  anyways... yes... a total asshole or some politician... whatever does the trick.

How do you get a crossdressing hamster to eat when its sick? Should I kill it or just leave it?
well take the heels and nylons off of it... then phone a vet... or throw it out and get a new one.

If you have ever heard of the band Slipknot, and seen how they look, would you think that they are a bunch of frauds by hiding under masks, or would you think that they are one awesome, motherfucking kick ass band?
yes i have... they kinda look like mr bungle does with all the masks etc... i like them from what i've heard (like 5+ songs) but of course mr bungle is better.

The other night I had a dream that I was tripping on acid and I was totally freaked out. In my dream I saw swirlling bright neon colors on a dark background when it was daylight out. Now I have never tried acid, but could this dream have been a flashback from my previous life? What could this dream mean?
Well, dreams are quite strange... you see your mind picks up details from around you that your concious mind never picks up on.  While you sleep, your brain begins to filter through things and ends up giving you dreams.  Sometimes they mean something, sometimes it's just random images. I would doubt that your dream has anything to do with a previous life, but maybe you were a hippy who died while on acid.  Start writing your dreams down, then get high and read them again... maybe they will make sense.

how do you get a gerbil up yor ass? Then how do you get it out?
use some little gerbil plastic tubes.... and just pull it out or use tongs.

do you watch alot of porn alone??
I used to .... but now I just don't have the time... and I have to admit... those plots are the funniest ever.

do you separate male and female hampsters when female becomes pregnant.
You should have separated them BEFORE so you wouldn't have this problem.  But I would think you should separate them.

I'am lean and i cannot wear pants it doesnot suits me tell me what shall i do.
get jeans... they are much better anyways.... or a dress.

Hey DC, Why Don't You Have A Link So That You Ask The Questions And We Anwser Them?-Pyro
because my opinion means more to me then yours, but in regards to this site, i will be setting up a special area for 'market research' and the results will be shared with all.

I went on a website called "www.blowshitup.com" a couple of months ago. I have made a big, fuck-off bomb but I'm not certain where to detinate it. I'm torn between putting it under my boss's car or in the local pet store. Any suggestions would be greatly appriciated, thankyou!
I'd leave the pet store alone... they are suffering enough.  I would suggest going to the local church, or perhaps even the local highschool, as any damage there will be attributed to "damn kids".  And if you're a damn kid... well then find the biggest stupid jock and blow up anything he owns.  If you can't find any of that, well I have always wanted to see a cotton-candy machine blow up and spew cotton candy everywhere.

Hey! thanks. Dont worry, you dont hafta get bloody poo, you get to inflict people with Bloody Feces Disease(TM)(C)(R). Lucky you. And you get a REALLY cool gas mask. But only for a week of course, so dont get used to it.-Laser-Monkey
a gas mask? wicked! i've always wanted one...

What do you think of lesbians? Ice pryncess
i don't think about them at all... 

Would you be dissapointed if I decided to become a lesbian? Ice pryncess
not really, i don't really care what you find attractive!

Do you know any cute girls? Ice Pryncess
define cute....

Could you please tell me how to get rid of the big giant spider that hides in my t.v. and every time I turn on my t.v. all I watch is spiders.
spiders are delightful creatures with interesting habits.  Keep watching and when you know how to kill your spider, then you are ready for the next bug.

Another thought about the magic transporter idea i had...why can't we also have remote controls soooo that if something happens that you don't like ie embarassing, arguements etc, you can just hit the rewind button and change that part of the day
but then people would spend their whole lives trying to make the past perfect... why not just get a job writing history books and you can just rewrite everything.

oh, this is a special gas mask, it has sparkle that dont come off!! Ain't that sumthin'?? -Laser-Monkey
yea! mr sparkle... that's the best....

If ALIENS are soposto be smarter then us why do they upduck the DUMBEST humans??
well, maybe they are helping us get rid of them, and plus, if you wanted to abduct someone but not have to wipe their memory... wouldn't you grab the person that everyone is the least likely to believe?

Is my reflection in the mirror just that, a reflection? Or is it really my good twin in some other dimension waiting till I fall asleep to take over my life and make people think that I might possibly be sane? How do I stop him?-DS
It is your real self looking at you... you are just the alternate version in the alternate world.  You are not really here, but just some part of that persons subconscious.

The Cow cocoons are running rampant around here!!! What should I do? - Chris
well cow cocoons can't run around, so they must be on wheels.  Simply pull them over and take away the keys.

what is with your maniac obsession with monkeys? and get rid of the quotes submitted by your cult. they suck worse than your monkey stories.
monkeys have tails that help them... that's why i like them.  And your opinion means nothing to me... so the quotes stay.  Also... nothing sucks worse then my monkey stories.

So DC Do You Believe In The Theory Of The Matrix?- Pyro
the THEORY?  it's the truth.

Oh And DC How Much Do You Weigh I'm Only 95lbs.- Pyro
how much i weigh is one of those things that i think is useless information, so therefore i do not know.

i hate everybody, do you hate everybody? how about zebras?
Yes, and I don't mind zebras.  They are just funky horses with a better sense of style.

What time is it?
9:01 PM.... or insane monkey time

are the sock monkeys going to be extinct i don't see any running around
no... they hide from morons...

does it matter what side you get your eyebrow peirced??
I personally preferred the left... but i don't think there is any rule or anything.

Can you name a murder who skipped jail by way of the insanity plea and killed again?
no, and I'm glad I can't.  the whole 'justice' thing never really works does it.

Can you name an insane person?
yes I can, and can name a couple actually.

Is it really necessary to have American schools specifficaly for mexicans? Why are we giving up our country to them? We fought for it, it's ours! And why the hell does the DMV offer tests written in Spanish? If they can't read English, they shouldn't even be here.-DS
huh?  damnit people... we are ALL human.  get over it already and welcome to the new millennium.  What you should be pissed about is the quality of the WHOLE system, not just the color of a couple kids in one of the classrooms.  Know your enemy!

I'm being followed by this black thing on the ground. I can't shake it. It's always there, what should I do? It's laughing at me now. Make it go away.-DS
You have to catch it, beat it, kill it and then you will be free.  Also, if you stay in the dark, you will never see it again.

According to fractalcow.com, Bert, from sesame street, was the one behind the JFK assassination. Can this be true? What do I do if he's trying to kill me now?-DS
Yes it is true... I've read that site before... Bert is EVIL.  You can do nothing except keep a blowtorch handy... Bert is flammable.

Why is the sky blue? Who decided it would be blue? Why not bright red? I want bright red. DAMMIT, GIVE ME BRIGHT RED!!-DS
I think it's blue because of water in our atmosphere and the light going through it or something... and bright red would be annoying as red is an irritating color.  Maybe you should move to another planet where the sky/atmosphere is red.

I don't know about a god, but there is God! That is one thing I do know. I'm tired of the wussies who pull some crap about "if he's there why can't I see him?" There are things people can't see but you see the affects everywhere! I take my hat off to those with enough balls to believe in God regardless of what happens to them! Because I do!
that wasn't a question at all but a stupid rant about stuff that may or may not exist, or could just be human kind wanting to think that there is 'something' up there so we can not take direct responsibility for our actions.  thanks anyways.. .next time enter in a question

can u name some fun things to do w/condoms besides sex?
fill them with peanut butter, tie off the end, poke a hole in the top, and presto, a portable peanut butter dispenser.

do you like cheese or maple syrup?
I like both, but not together.

i was playing with scissors and i cut my wrist's i'm bleeding. It hurts. I feel dizzy. aaaahhhhhhh? help mee!!!!!!!!!
quick!  cut the rest of your hand off and everything will be fine

is barny the dinosaur a gay freak?
yes, yes he is.

I have a friend who I've discovered is a pathalogical lier. How should I confront her about this?
sit her down, and tell her that you are concerned.  Tell her exactly what her problem is, and then ask that she look into counseling.  Tell her that you are there to support her.  If she protests, hug her and cry "You poor soul...".  Then, tie her up and take her to the local shrink.  They'll take it from there, and all you have to do is visit once in awhile so when she snaps she doesn't kill you for abandoning her.

what is in Mcdonalds food?
I have no idea, and quite frankly I refuse to eat the shit for that very reason.  I would certainly imagine that ground up testicles from recently deceased men is part of the basic burger...

Do you think there are homosexual minors out there? Not just minors, kids. You know, 8-11. I know this sounds stupid, cause most kids have no sexual preference, but please answer my question because I know this guy who rubs his ass and dick all the time.
Perhaps he just finds it pleasing and it's his way of showing nervousness, or he just plain enjoys it.  Maybe some know at that age which sex they prefer, and some don't.  This guy could also have fleas or crabs and requires medical attention.  You should offer to examine them and assist him in scratching or taking him to the doctor.

If people who are physically attracted to those of the same sex are homosexual, and people who are attracted to the other sex are heterosexual, what are people who are attracted to both sexes?
Bi-sexuals.   And people who like aliens are alisexuals.  Those who like monkeys are monkeysexuals.  Those who like dead animals are... well fucked up.

What does DC stand for?
Demon Child

monkeys monkeys everywhere. you only wish you were good enough to be a part of the porch monkey posse. do you have a real job? cause your bullshit answers to these bullshit questions are just as bad as your stories about your puss ridden ass, yo -sw
yes, i have a few real jobs... and thank you!  I'm glad you like my bullshit answers... as well as my stories!  It's so nice to hear someone saying they enjoy my life's work...

I have the sex drive of an 80 year old grandma. when ever I have sex I never seem to enjoy it. I just do it because I think maybe this time I'll actually enjoy it, but I never do. should I just give up?
maybe you're just doing it with the wrong person or sex.... or the person you are currently doing it with doesn't know shit from shit and only cares about getting themselves off.  Maybe you should try doing some solo practices... but be sure to close the doorI would like to know how you know all about your grandma's sex drive... that could the problem right there. 

My best friend is pissing me off. She always calls me to blab about which guy she should like or get ass from. what should I do?
hang up and get a new best friend that isn't boy crazy.  She'll never get better, just sluttier.

How do you make a sock monkey?
you buy work socks and somehow sew and stuff them into the form of a monkey.  There are pictures under Downloads of some of the sock monkeys I have.

My mom said " Who knows? Maybe in your next life you will end up being a pill bug living on some dog crap." Do you think this could possibly happen? What if pill bugs are afraid to die because they think they could come back as a human in their next life? What do you think is worse? living your life as a human or a pill bug living on a pile of dog shit.
As with everything... anything is possible.  I would think that the pill bugs have way more to fear by becoming human... but what could a pill bug do that would be considered bad?  Eat cat shit?  I think that certian human lives are worth less then the pill bugs... but as for the one i'm living now... I think I'll stay in this form for a while longer before being a pill bug.

Are you my enemy, or am I?-DS
hmmm... depends on the day really!  We'll take turns.

I guess Umpa Lumpas are creepier, anywho, one of my kitties died (sniff) and I want to give it a decent burial. any suggestions? ~P.N.
have a week-long showing of all of the pictures, movies and stories of this kitty, and celebrate the life instead of the death.  Kitties are everything, and one day they will rule the world.

why is oral sex so fuckin good?
if it wasn't... do you really think anyone would really want to put any of it in their mouths?

there are balloons in the mcdonalds restaurant. Should I buy one, is it worth it?
it's probably better then the food, so go ahead!

I was spying on my mommy and she took off her pants and she had some kind of furry animal between her legs. And sometimes my daddy licks the animal.What is this stange animal on my mommy?
thats no furry animal junior, thats a disease that your mommy has.  It may look like fur, but it's acutally mold. Sometimes daddy has to scrape away that mold with his teeth.

Man my girlfriend is so fat and ugly and she eats so freakin much. What the hell should I say to this fat bastard to make her stop eating?
Well stop going out to eat with her, don't have food in your house, and when she's sleeping, just do some home liposuction with some scissors and a vacuum cleaner. 

um ekuse me i hav a qweston. My weaner keeps getting long and hard. why does this happen?
this happens because you are a sick little boy who has sinned.  hahahahaha... 

myster dood, kan yu help me with mi problem? my mom sayed i came owt from her vagina. didn't doctor soos say i chosed mi parants and slided down all da way to her. who is wright?
they are both right... next time get them to explain it and ask for detailed pictures... then show them to all your friends.

hey man can you answer my question? please say yes or no!
I'm not quite sure...

my mommy sayes that i in a speshal class becuz i is smart is this troo.
everyone is special.

i is speshul becuz i lick wenirz am eye wright ore wot?"
you are owksz.

my mommy tells me that you do this because you have no life and choose to lash out irrationaly at peoples questions. is this true?
I don't think my lashing out is irrational at all.  I do have a life somewhere, I just don't remember where I parked it.

My motto is "If a dog bites you, bite it back." I've taken this to include any animals as well as people. Should I also include my toaster? It has a nasty habit of biting me in the morning. Do you have a motto? -DS
Don't bite kitties... and yes, bite the toaster, but make sure it's not searing hot first.  I have many mottos... one of which is "Humans Suck".

This kid named Joey is a midget and gets a hardon when he sees Barney the Dinasaur. What should I do with him?
well when he's watching the show, don't sit on his lap.  You should de-program joey... hire a professional like the ones who deprogram religious freaks.

Why should I ask you a question? You never answer it intelligently and have fantasies about being some sort of monkey. I think you should just stop all this and get a life. You probably spend hours reading and answering questions when you could be having fun. And your answers are usually stupider than the question.
Sometimes I answer intelligently... so you can't say never.  I would get a life, but frankly I'm too tired.  I could tell you all the things I do in real life, but I don't have to.  I spend maybe an hour a day on this, depending on how many questions there are and how good they are.  My answers are usually shorter because they don't need to be any longer.  And I'd rather be a sock monkey then a human... and this sock monkey doesn't wish to fully disclose anything about myself due to crazed psychos out there wanting to stalk others.  My site IS fun... I told you I was a geek... I don't lie to impress you humans.

OOmpa loompas are not creepy. Their little midgets who dance around with green hair in a chocalate factory rhyming and getting their jollies off of saying how bad kids are. Whats so creepy about that?
it's the dancing that bothers me... everything else just amplifies the creepiness of the dancing.

Hehe! im back. It was fun!! There were video games on the plane. Did you enjoy your Fecalship? Gimme my Gas-Mask back.-Laser-Monkey
Yes, and damnit... i just got it all warm.

A small midget, I shall call him "bob", won't stop smelling me and licking me, how do i stop this?
why would you want to stop this?

Many of my friends are faggets and are ussually mean to me. I come home everyday with bruises and cuts because of them. All they ever do is hurt me and piss me off and one day I think that I will have to kill them, I even think a couple of them are really gay(litterally). When I tell them this they call me wussy and make fun of me and say that I wouldnt be able to kill them. I just want to know, What should I do, Kill them, or move away and change my name to Mario Mario? P.S. Can you tell them off in your answer please??!!!
Well first of all, these people are not your friends.  Secondly, those people completely suck.  The reason people do this sort of thing (beating up others and calling them a wussy) because they know that their futures are already doomed.  These are the sort of people who end up going nowhere in life and will one day be begging you to hire them at your multi-million dollar company.  Why bother killing them when you can hire them on as a janitor and have them cleaning shitters for 2 bucks a day?  Killing them would only reduce you to their low level, and your life is worth more then sitting in jail.  Ignore them, learn a form of martial arts, kick their asses, and then go on and build your multi-million dollar company.  Don't forget to hire me as an advisor to the board.

what do you like t