Ways to keep warm in winter.
By JCP
For all those who end up freezing their asses off all winter long.

Put your ice cold toes/hands on someone and laugh when they scream in agony. The laughing will keep you warm, as well as when you have to chase them down a few times before you're warm.

Burn your house down and stand near it. As you get cold, burn down another house. Eventually the fire department will catch on they'll give you a nice warm room to live in for a while with the police.

Light furniture on fire and burn through everything you have by spring. This works best if you have an actual fireplace and not just a fire on the floor.

Pull up all your laminate flooring and burn it. In the spring, you'll have a fun new home decorating project to work on.

Light yourself on fire. You should feel warm right up until the end.

Gather up all the old style xmas lights that people are throwing up and wrap yourself up in them. Their warmth will keep you from getting cold, and you'll be the talk of the town.

Chase elves. Also, the exercise will do you both good.

Scare reindeer so they chase you around.

Hibernate all winter in a pile of sleeping bags. (Make sure you only use ONE of them to shit/piss in or things will become bad very quickly.)

Have lots of SAFE sex with a WILLING and OF AGE partner. (Our LAWYERS insisted we be specific so TheInsaneDomain isn't made to raise bastard children.)

Develop a severe drinking problem where you can't even move your body, much less feel it being cold. (Mzebonga is trying this idea out.)

Put on several layers of clothing and do NOT remove ANY of it until spring.

Eat until you're so fat the circulation is cut off to your legs and arms. After you're removed from your home by a crane, put into the hospital and your limbs are removed, you'll be put in a nice warm body-sock and propped up against a wall somewhere.

Chase your family/friends/pets/spouse around.

Duct tape flannel blankets to yourself. If you can afford it, duct tape electric blankets to yourself and that way you can take it to work/school with you too as long as you sit near an electrical outlet.

Take hot showers every 20 minutes or take a 3 to 4 month long bath (refreshing the hot water every 20 minutes of course).

Move into a sauna or hot tub until spring.

Carve out the insides of a Tauntaun and hibernate until spring, eating your way out towards the tail. Not only is the Tauntaun meat warm but it's nutritious and apparently tastes like chicken.

Dress properly when you go outside and make your mother proud of you for once.

Make yourself a full body outfit out of down-filled duvets.

Get someone to pay for you to go somewhere warm for the winter. Sure, all your friends and family will hate you and mock you for wussing out but really, you don't need their approval.

Don't shave until spring. The extra body hair will help keep you warm as well as help build up a static charge that will also help keep you warmer.

Go do something nice for someone you care about. That should make you feel good on the inside and the outside.
(How lame is that?)

Get some food, some blankets and lock yourself in a closet until spring. (How you decide to come out of the closet in the spring is up to you but just so you know, we support you.)

Shovel snow non-stop. It will keep you warm, make you some money and when you pass out from exhaustion, you'll have the best sleep you've ever had. Also, since it's around xmas time, people will give you gifts to say think you for the great job you've done. In the spring, you'll be all fit and able to pick up a car.

Set the oven to a nice warm temperature and climb in.

Don't be one of those idiots that jump into a lake/river/ocean in the dead of winter.

Hire Mzebonga / George / Herbert to come and cuddle you. If you don't like him, running away from him will keep you warm and both of you fit.

Dig down really deep into the earth until it's warm enough for you.

Find someone you think is attractive and force them to hold you and rub you to keep you warm until spring. Then, when they report you to the police, you'll be kept warm in jail for a while.

Drink hot chocolate, coffee or tea non-stop.

Wear thick wool socks and a hat. According to some random internet sources (and one guy with an eye-patch) up to 30% of your body heat is lost through your head.

Don't prance around in a thong while outside even if you think you're so hot that you won't get cold. People may even tell you that you're hot enough to do this, or that they'll keep you warm but it's all lies. If you're going to do this, do it inside where it's warmer.

Get a really high fever or an illness where you end up sweating a lot.

Zip yourself into a sub-zero rated sleeping bag and wiggle around in it to work/school until spring.

 

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