Technical documents

Farting fire

Burning the wrong stuff

Getting lots of blood in your carpet and not being able to wash it out.

melted chocolate carpet stains

having your underwear turn out to be a shape-shifter

the screaming of stupid children

potting soil

forgetting your name

broken ankles

wet pillows

stripped screwheads

tiny papercuts you can't see but damn do they hurt

broken pens

flooded bridges

pink eye

stinky q-tips

computer games where you can't shoot things

having your coffee table turn into a walrus and saunter away

cars that get fed up with your parking spot and go off in search of better ones

business cards that are for fake businesses

salad forks that are shaped like spoons

walnuts that are hidden in your food and only appear once you have eaten a few and your throat closes up because you're allergic to them

theatrical music playing in bathrooms

misleading book reviews

warped mirrors that don't bend in your favor

that noise the bed makes when you're trying to have quiet secret sex

saddles that aren't fastened properly

computer desks that are actually portholes to stupid boring places

keyboards that are filled with dirt and hair

unsharpened pencils

ceiling plaster dripping on your face while you're sleeping

stains in the carpet and everything just makes them bigger

sitting in a tub full of lotion/moisture cream (dedicated to marie)

papercuts on your ass

badly poured coffee

candles that stink

car stereos with too much bass

stale cookies

glasses that are bent from being sat on

coughing up bits of flesh

roads that go nowhere fun

small public bathrooms

barking dogs

soggy business cards

kitty litter boxes that always seem full

old carpets

pieces of fluff that float around and land in your eye

poorly thought out parks

coming home from vacation to the same old shit

dreams about horses biting your hand

being stuck in a cave with only an egg

rotting items in your fridge cuz you're too lazy to clean them out

day old bagels

unevenly spread peanut butter

bottles marked tylenol but contains something else

beer thats been left outside and open for over a week

neighbors

trees that move around when you're not looking

storms that tease you

geese that can't figure out where to go

badly drawn road lines

power surges

used matches in your salad

stamps that don't stick

calendars with stupid shit in them

mislabeled pens

bins with vomit in them for sale

dropping a watermelon on your bare feet

losing your car keys in a tidal wave

taking a wrong turn and ending up where you started

car rides with people you hate

bad music on the radio

having your socks disappear into the night

plastic bins filled with apple juice

time share information kits

having trains stalk you

product names that can't be said properly

pissing yourself for no good reason

shaken up lava lamps

falling into a well and it doesn't make the news

broken shoelaces that plot your death in the night

finding out your mattress is stuffed with slugs

plants that demand water every week

those damned charms that end up causing really bad luck

puking so hard you pull muscles in your ribs

taking a big swig from the moldy coffee cup instead of the new one

seeing others get paid to do stupid things when you could be getting paid to do cool things

suspicious packages

people clapping for no good reason

badly designed glasses

commercials talking about gushing blood into maxis

pizza that hasn't been cooked properly so it's still mostly dough

movies about stupid people who do stupid things and then they fall in love

windchimes

sexist commercials

misleading coupons

socks with holes

chipped glasses