good questions
somehow or another these people won good question awards... yes the award used to be green... and even i don't know why some of these got good awards but hey... i've been answering these questions for over 5 years

if dumb is pronounced "dum" what is the true meaning of the b?
B is the secret letter added by the government to track how people insult each other. Every time you say it or type it, a message gets sent that contains your name and number, and the context you were using the word in.

Lately my sock monkeys have been acting strangely, they have not clean the lint from the dryer in over a month, what is wrong with my monkeys?
You haven't been treating them right. If they continue to be neglected, they will start pissing on your clothing and pillow. No amount of washing gets that smell out, so be nice to them, and take them out for dinner.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your goat?
First of all, you decide if you actually LIKE the goat. If you are just infatuated with it, then it's not worth it. If you do like the goat, you proceed to hunt them down, kill your so called best friend and bury the body. You force the goat to watch, and threaten it. You then implant a chip in the goat, so if you suddenly realize it ran off again, you can hit a button and it will explode.

what do you do if your igloo melts and the Eskimo comes out and beats you up cause he thinks you melted it
First of all, stay very quiet. Do not confirm nor deny that you melted his igloo. Crouch down and when he shakes his fists at you, harpoon him in the belly. He will kick an scream for a bit, but that's what the other harpoon is for. Drive it quickly into his throat, as that will cut off the horrible screaming coming from his mouth.
Once he has stopped kicking, peel off his clothing and shove it under some snow. You will have to move quickly now, as the smell of blood may attract some animals. Take out your knife, and proceed to slit him open from throat to his groin. (Be sure to remove the harpoons.)
Now, if it is cold outside, the body and blood will freeze quickly, making your job more difficult, but less messy. But if conditions were enough to melt the igloo, then the job will be messy, but the flesh will be easier to cut.
Now, as this is quite a long a detailed procedure, I will not write it all here. However, the end result is the most delicious and tender meat you've ever had.
Also, Eskimo is a derogatory word, as they prefer to be called Inuit.

What do you do if a caterpillar crawls up your ass?
When this happens, I first strike up a conversation with it. This will determine if it is friendly or hostile. If it is friendly, we have conversations about history, science, and all sorts of other subjects. When it gets tired, it politely excuses itself and leaves.

Why do they sterilize the needle before a lethal injection??
This is due to the misconception that if germs are on the needle, that the person will come back to life and kill everyone. Sure, a few times this has happened, but it's not the norm.

Why do stores that are open 24 hours a day have locks on the doors???
This is so when the store clerk is being held hostage, the store can be locked from the inside, making it difficult for anyone to enter and take out the crazed lunatic. Another reason is that if the employee of the store goes crazy, they can barricade themselves in the store easily by locking the door and piling the pop cases by the door.

wow you showed my donkey pinata icon question, only, i have DNA taken from one of the candies inside the donkey, showing that yes infact you were ummm nevermind, anyways to put it bluntly or whatever the hell, i have proof you humped the donkey, nasty nassssttttyyyyyy
Why wouldn't I show your question? I show all questions, no matter how stupid. Remember, as Mr. Garrison says "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
Did I hump the donkey? Sadly, no. You see, while it does have a gaping hole in it's butt, I've seen people pull the candy out of it, and sometimes even beat piñata donkeys to death to get this candy. To be honest, I don't want to do a donkey up it's ass and then get a life saver sticking somewhere gross. As for your proof, I have to break it to you that changing the face from yours to mine on the photo does not count as proof, and that writing my name over yours will hide the true donkey-pumper.

why are the cows always staring at me? and for gods sakes cant somebody stop the cats from conquering the planet
The cows are doing a study on humans paranoia. You happen to be a subject. Next time they do this, look them square in the eye and calmly inform them that you are on to their little game and you are not impressed. As for the cats, no, nothing can stop them. Catnip will slow them down, but not stop them.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of bob dole?
No one has been brave enough to get past two.

hey, i knew you woud know i was quoting RATM, so you don't have to be an asshole about it. i simply wanted your opinion. no offense.
Well, next time you quote someone, add the source... cuz I hate it when people take my shit and use it somewhere else... it's just courtesy. My opinion on that? Well, for one, I am not sure what the American dream is, nor am I American, so perhaps I wasn't taught it. As for teachers being enemies, well quite literally they aren't. As for the individual that is a teacher, they could be. Teachers are doing their jobs just like the rest of us do. Some of them just barely scrape by, some do a shitty job, and others do great without credit. Not all teachers are good teachers, and many of them seem to be loosing sight of the final product, giving kids the tools they need later on in life.
<incoming RANT>
The other thing is, kids SUCK and they are becoming bigger and bigger assholes every year. You couldn't pay me enough to be a teacher. Kids are actually shooting kids now... who the hell needs gangs when you've got Tommy and Billy with handguns?
The world is a hostile place most of the time, I know who my enemies are. They are the government that takes the money I work for and spends it on shit. Its the losers who take the government money when they shouldn't be. They are the religious fanatics that constantly push their ideals on me, our laws and everything else. They are the people who don't listen to others, who destroy the environment and leave their children to be taught by the television. They are every uninterested parent who thinks its better to let their kid go out and learn for themselves instead of only giving a shit when they get knocked up or knock some girl up. They are the kids who have kids, and then keep having more.
They are those scrawny fake people who are paid to show our kids what happens when you don't eat for years and that somehow this is good. They are the people who mutilate their bodies for no good reason with plastic surgery and make the normal person feel ugly for being real. They are the same people who push this shit on the kids.
My enemies are all over, and they are enemies to everyone, yet sometimes no one but themselves. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or my ideas for running everything are right or wrong, but everyone has a voice, and I, like everyone else, have the right to voice it.

my fiancee of two years cheated on me with two different guys, and then dumped me. can she be forgiven for what she did to me? what would you do in that situation?
I would be in jail thinking about how the bitch got what she deserved. But no one would do that to me, so you are obviously doing something wrong. If you go home, demand she makes you a hot meal, quit her job to server you, you damn well deserved it and you're lucky she hasn't killed YOUR sorry ass. If you treat people like shit, they'll do the same to you. But if you don't do that to her, then she is a bitch and you don't need her anyways, so what the hell are you MARRYING her for??? So she can take half of everything for being a slut??? Grow a spine dude...

If a sanitarium is where they send crazy people to get sane again, would an insanitarium be where they send sane people to go crazy?
Good idea!!! I like it!!!

SAnimal says he/she/it hates you DC.Doesn't it realize how awesome you really are?And where does SAnimal live?I think he/she/it should be tortured until he/she/it joins your fan club.What do you think
Where did SAnimal say HE hated me?? He's kinda daft anyways... we barely tolerate him as it is... SAnimal lives in a messy pit he calls home. I have a fan club???!!!! Woah! I think that he should be forced to bow down to me and give me all his money!

dose the light in the refrigarter go off when we shut the door please i must know i made a bet with that dude that dosnt leave my kitchen that i dose becuase i think that the food is alive and they sleep when the light is turned off most of the time and why wont that dude leave my kitchen?
Yes it does. There is a little switch that is pushed down when you close the door that shuts off the light. Saves you on hydro... you should be happy.

"if we teach our children by example,we have only our selves to blame for who they become"(The Outter Limits)i belive in this very strongly,i also pity those who cant teach theyre children at only 17 and i am very greatful for all that ive been tought,these are my thougts on this quote.what are yours?
Well, I agree to a point... but some kids have chemical imbalances etc and that is not the parents fault or the kids. Plus... some kids, no matter who the parents are, they will turn out to be little fucked up freaks. In any cases, parents plop their kids in front of a TV and then wonder what went wrong. I think that it is both the kids and the parents who should take responsibility.

hoe many stupid people dose it take to screw in a light bulb?cuz i cant do it my self and i want to know how many friends to invite.
Invite as many as you can, and the ones that show up will give you your number. And add two, so that there are people to send me stupid questions.

Here is why cats can't take over the world, and if they do, it wont work out: THe persains/other purebreds will end up all snobby, and snooty and crap, and then all the tabbies will remember thier free lives, instead of being ruled over by furniture scratching  fat cats!! So then they willl revolt, and win... and eveerything will be normal.
Cats already have taken over the world, they just use us as puppets to do their bidding.  Sure, they let us go around and do what we want most of the time, but when it's time to eat... you better believe we're gonna hear about it.  Some excellent thought was put into your submission however, so you win the DC good question award.

how do you and i am think that i don't watch big brother ingsoc 1984 iggy pop and sid vicious... jesus and material goods... i have seen the game in the wild and it is good... i have a mobster lobster and a pot holder/roach clip on my head. jack in the box. 1984. i was drrropping a/c/i/d/ and the bottle broke and i took too much- what should i do? nevermind. i see god. i'll ask him.
Hahahaha.... let me know what your god said

this one guy made fun of my family because we have to work to get our money and his family is on welfare. he told me that we sucked because his family didn't have to work. i laughed my ass off at him, but i was confounded at how exactly to show him that his attitude was that of a fool and that his philosophy was fucking stupid. what should i have said, instead of just laughing and walking off?
You should have smacked him and said "welfare won't get you a lawyer fuck boy" Welfare is for those who can't work, not for lazy people who don't deserve it. Those people should be hunted down and forced to clean the streets. I HATE people who mooch off welfare.

If Hollywood is run by Jews, why the hell are there so many damn Christmas specials?
That is a damn good question that I don't have an answer for!! I guess it's what sells

The insane are gifted, don't you think? I mean, only the insane can be insane, right? But really, then, that makes no sense, because that would make the non-insane people sane, which they aren't at all! They are the insane ones, right? So then, the insane people would be sane, but if the insane were sane, then sane wouldn't mean insane, but sane, and sane is not the same as insane by any means. I think the insane (sane) people are the gifted ones, they know everything, it's the sane (insane) people that really are insane... You know what i mean?
Exactly! Now try saying that 10 times real fast...

This is not a question...i do not wish to get a good question award unless it pleases you so im not sucking up or anything. But i recently Mistakenly Highlighted at the top of your page...and there they were, your keywords for search engines, i read them and noticed the word "sex". isnt it amazing how putting the exact opposite of whats on your page for keewords will do for site traffic? i mean its great if your competettive or you depend on the web site to make a living....But i think the insane domainis something that should be shared only with those who are truly and honestly searching for the most insane and twisted things in life....who spent hours on search engines to find it and reurn to it daily like the folks we see here. It shoudl only be for those who have worked for it. A reward. not for some crazed perverted lunatic looking for nude pictures of your girlfriends mother to jerk off at. Its too good a thing to be wasted on thsi pathetic worlds scum instead of its mental patients.
I had forgotten there were words there... San put them in awhile ago... lets see what they are.... insane (we have that), sarcasism (plenty here), hate (yep..), free (MP3s, icons, backgrounds), insanity (covered), crazy (yep), music (in downloads), mp3 (downloads), pictures (all over), insanity (repeat... should be removed), weird (yep), strange (indeed), sex (no idea why it's here), odd (true), crazy (another repeat), stupid (at times), rant (our reviews), reviews (our rants), ranting (the act of the rant), download (stuff), free downloads (kinda repetative), MP3s (another repeat), pictures (another repeat), music (another repeat... what the hell sanimal??), horoscopes (horrorscopes), astrology (the horrorscopes), ICQ (we have it), online shopping (coming soon... but tshirt is available), art (now in leftovers), online (uh... well we are), creepy (some of it), religion (used to be.. now in leftovers), fright (uh... no idea), crap (getting there), garbage (some of it), dumb (some of it...). Yes, I will update these keywords!

i honestly think theres a big conspiracy going on behind the scenes with SMURFS. I mean its crazy, papa smurf spends al his time caring for his hundreds of "little smurfs" but, how did they all get there? i mean when hes so busy working and taking care of the kids how can he possibly love his wife enough to produce 2 or 3 kids a day? Which raises another question, mama smurf is the ONLY women there! theres no way she could give birth to that many kids, i mean there must be a whole lotta lovin goin on in those little mushrooms of theirs. And if she did spend her entire day getteing laid (whcih is imposseble due to papa smurfs busyness.) How couls she POSSIBLY still have time ot bake all those god damned muffins!? its driving me nuts. Please help me.
He has a harem. They don't show that on TV because they are always naked with Pappa Cum dripping out of them. I'm kinda glad they never showed that... but somewhere you know there is a tape of it.

Why do peple hafta complicate words. For instance: automobile... ITS A FRIGGIN CAR... just leave it!!! Cow, Calf, Bull: JUST LEAVE IT!!! Female cow, male cow, small cow!!! People, humans, human beings, terrans: PEOPLE!!! JUST LEAVE IT AT STUPID PEOPLE!!! If I need a friggin thesaurus, I''ll by one!! Agrree?
Good point. It's all because humans, sorry.. People are morons. They like to nit pick. Its like when you are asked to do work at a job... "Have you finished that thing?"... "Define thing...." and two hours later you might have to work.

you know, as much time as people spend in front of the Television, one of these days were gonna find out that remote control's give us Cancer or some disease that makes our breasts or balls shrink or swell (whichever seems apprapriate) and it's all gonna be one big FUCK YOU!!! from our bodies for being so damn lazy. what's your take ont eh situation?
I think you pretty much covered it... but there has to be a sock monkey somewhere!

god i hate you fucking "overlords" who play favorites... why does HE get the award and i don't? because it turns him on? i even offer to deul for the damn rights to the award but NOOOO!!!! grr... pissing me off lately... Nikon
Ha ha ha... poor nikon... how upsettting. Here... this is for you.... just because you chat with me on icq

no, you didn't read it right DC, i'm disappointed in you, for shame for shame, I asked you why the good question AWARD turns me on, not why this section turns me on, coz quite frankly, it's not my type, the awards are followed by the demented people's questions, THEN your answers, god im glad i cleared that up, you better remember next time or you'll lose another one of your sex crazed maniacs (not really one)
I apoligize for my oversight. The award may turn you on because of it's bright green color. I also find it arousing. This is for you and I ...

You told me there were patterns for sock monkeys but then you told someone else when they find one tell you but you know the sock monkey pattern b/c you are one don't you? Love Sally
Why would I give you patterns to make another me? I am a custom sock monkey. You can make the generic monkeys.. but not me.

why wont peter pan come and get me and take me 2 never never land i know im not 2 grown up b/c i act and dress like a kindergardern i wish o wish he would come and take me away from this place
He won't take you because the last time he did, you ended up molesting all the lost boys and probing tinkerbell with your dirty fingers.

why si it that once you finally get over an x-girlfriend theyre the ones that wont leave you the fuck alone?
Because when you want her, you're a loser, but when you don't, you're desirable. If you were to cave in and like her again, you would instantly become a loser again, but this time also a heartsick fuck up that her and her friends can laugh at.

how do u eat your reeses?
I eat the sides off, then split apart what is left and eat each half after licking off all the peanut butter.

ok umm hi i was wondering if u would join my new relgion called ducktapism its were we worship duck tape. If it wasnt for duck tape the world would fall apart
I do not join any religion, no matter how fucked up and appealing.

I have a question. im well aware that wrestling organizations say not to emmulate what they do on TV at home, but oh well, me and my friends do it anyway and tape it all so we can look back at how stupid we are. So anywho, the other day i let my friend powerbomb me through a table, then i eventually got up and tried to land and elbow to my opponent who was laying on a table when he rolled out of the way, and BANG through the table i went. what can i possibly do for an encore the next time we do it? oh by the way, your answer to the killer for hire wuestion was pure genius.
Perhaps you should try to somehow produce a hole in the wall so that you can see into another room, or even breaking a water pipe of some sort. If all else fails, try ripping something out of the ceiling and throwing it at each other. And thanks.

ps to princess- nobody gives a flying fuck about those stupid little characters you use. practically everone knows how to type them or use the character map. anyway, dc, what would you do if you recived a vaseline encrusted dildo in the mail with a mousetrap on the head with the message "i love you very much, poopie head. sincerely, steven spielberg." -seth
I would laugh my ass off. Then I would demand money from him... he can afford it.

If i was a chicken and you were a duck and we both lived together on a farm and the sock monkeys took care of us would u be my freind or even my lover ?
I'd be your friend, but I'd have to see your feathers before I'd become your lover. Dirty feathers turn me off.

You have one day left to live, what would you do? Problem: Your a hotdog wrapper.
I would smear myself with the best damn ketchup I could find and then fall into the lap of someone wearing white pants.

Robin never asked a question just made a statement why do you not tell her off???**†PrÍñ€ë§§†**™
Favorites. Ha haha haha... maybe this green head will shut you up

and i dont think DC should bitch out any one, and if he does thats his own choice and as far as i can see it it was never any of your business in the first place unless you happen to be one of the girls that wasnt asking question. am i right?
Yea... my own choice. Yea!

do you ever wish that sometimes you could just believe that there was someone up there controlling things and that if you prayed enough that he would make it all better? wouldn't that be nice. too bad i'm stuck in reality. luv nikon
If someone up there was controlling things... I'd have a few complaints. Not about my life but about those lives across the ocean. I'd ask what the hell was up with that. know, i said i wanted to be shot, so you jsut leave my knees alone, i mean, im not gonna run away....for what?? i wanna be shot... BTW: I think Sanimal should explode... seriously, just start trying to insult you, and puff up and EXPLODE, splattering brains (which he has very little of) and other vital organs all over your walls (if you actually let him into your house...)------GrimmKaos, shoot me baby one moore time (i would like to pop Spears's titties with a REALLLYY sharp pin.) ahem== bye
Woah... that was quite a bit of nonsense wrapped up with insanity. Well done.

this is a qustion that has been plauging me for some time now"how much dose it cost to make money?"(in the u.s.)im sure not that many people take that in to qusetion and im also sure that the cost raises the inflation rate?
It costs twice as much as what you want to make... maybe more if it's computers. Inflation is an evil trick for greedy people to charge more money, make more money and finance the evil bidding of Elmer the monkey and his minions of flying zebra with no stripes or hooves.

Why ask stupid questions when you don't want stupid answers?
What an intelligent question... the person ask must be BRILLIANT... hmmm... didn't they put this as an INSANE THOUGHT OR IDEA????

I think that the word In humane has no reason existing,In humane: the human act of a lack of pity or compassion. what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Humans by definition are not "humane" at all. our entire race depends upon the supply of minerals to tear out of the earth and enough animals to kill. humans are by far the least "humane" creatures on the planet. If you ask me Humane, and Inhumanes, definitions should be swapped. What are your views?
Humans are sickening little creatures who rip apart their surroundings and then move on. As for the language, it is a pathetic attempt at trying to connect with other humans when they will never truly understand each other. So the words themselves mean nothing, they are just distractions from the feelings themselves. It's so pathetic that they even turn on themselves, picking at each difference such as color, sex and age. The word Human should be a curse word, it's a cursed life.

is your bus here yet?whats your favorite beer?i like the jim stories...they make me feel just like i did before the failed frontal lobatamy,half my brain is in a yours?
Soon... I hope. I can't drink beer anymore, but when I did... it was Canadian. Yes, it's horse piss but it did was it was supposed to do.... make me piss more. My brain was in a jar... but then I thought it was spaghetti sauce and I ate it. Try having yours with mushrooms... mmmmm good.

sometimes when i see small elderly chinese people on the street, i get the urge to stretch my oral cravity over their cranium and bite down, i have contemplated going ahead and doing this several times, because some of the people look quite tasty, but i fear i may have trouble swallowing as i lost all my teeth in my battle with a drunken transvestite goatboy when i refused to pay it for ejecting it's sperm into my ant farm. I have finally achieved the ability to unhinge my jaw, but I often have trouble mustering up enough spittle to get lubricate the cranium and get it into my esophagus, plus the little elderly people often defend themselves by plucking the attackers eyes out with their tiny fingers. I fear being blind may be scary and dark, and the idea of choking to death on a wrinkled chinese man/woman frightens me to urination, still i can't seem to shake off this desire, what should i do?
Tie the people up first and then try eating them. Don't forget to cover them with sauce first so you don't have to worry about saliva.

ok, i can understand the gibberish part, but what the hell is with the retarded question rule, isn't this the INSANE domain, i didn't know you had turned into Ann Landers! Could you please define a retarded question? and don't just say "yours" or "yours is a good example" if you want rules, you need to actually be specific, is this supposed to be a serious part of the site or what? Please Specify..
I don't want the same questions over and over, and I don't want questions that I can't reply to. An example of this is 'carrots are orange?".... i don't mind a few of them, but it just gets out of control too quickly. you and i may be intelligent, but let's face it, the majority of the world isn't... that is who the rules are for. Yours was a fine question. and sometimes insanity is serious too.

we are bread to suffer and born to die...humans are truly vile creaters, dont you dink-- demonboy
Exactly... good point again by demonboy!

If we live to die? Why do we live in the first place? I mean, is it REALLY worth having a kid for sex. . .the sex is better, but why the hell do we have to have kids? To have sex? and if we're all gonna die anyways. .
We indeed live to die... but the challenge is how we die. And no, it is NOT worth the sex if you get kid from it. Kids SUCK.

I'm so very happy you put my question up, now i have a few more for you.
1. Which is more of a public outcry? Maiming or Killing? I mean, I imagine a God-fearing Christian forced on her knees and shot in the back of her head with a 12 gauge shotgun is " socially unacceptable " but imagine. Every five minutes blow a hostages' extremity off and THEN let them go. You be the judge.
2. I've decorated my room with a lage amount of index cards with people I don't like on them. There are a lot, and I had to classify them on a rather loose system. Anyways, what else can I do to improve my " decor " i'm thinking blood, but I don't have a good things to write. Help me out.
3. Lately, i've been walking and i get " cold chills ". It has a lot to do with when i'm angry or thinking " socially unacceptable thoughts ". I think i'm feeling evil in a very pure form. Care to elaborate? -San

1. Well, I don't care what the person being shot believes, it's irrelevant. I would personally say that the public would be more offended with people having body parts shot off because the media would be able to better hype up the whole ordeal. If people were killed, then sure it'd be a big deal, but there would be no tear-jerking interviews and updates on how it's affected the victims lives.
2. Voodoo dolls hanging from your ceiling would look good. Perhaps various weapons on your wall would fit as well.
3. I do not believe in the existence of 'evil' because I would then have to believe in a god. If you feel chills when you think like that, then don't think like that. Plus, who cares if you think about stuff like that, just don't act on it unless you can deal with the bullshit it will cause after.

Who invented the lollypop?
That would be Lolly-ann Pop. She wanted to lick her candies instead of having them in her mouth. So she put it on a stick.

dont you think you should post a "good answer award?" i think some of your answers are dwarfed by the quality of the questions you answer. i would like to know what answers to read and which to skip. my time is valuable and not to be wasted on poop like answers. please dont delete this, i am trying to help you. if you like, you can rip on this question and then make fun of my lineage. Sounds fun, no? also, are you guys Canadian? i see all this UK stuff and i am confused because you say canada leeches off of welfare. i love what you've done with the place.- love, ed romanofv.
My answers are always good... well Ok, so perhaps even I get bored when I'm writing them. I suppose the longer ones tend to be a bit better, but I don't have much time to answer all these questions, much less rate them. Perhaps someday someone will pay me to maintain this website daily and then I'd be glad to rate them. Yes, we are all Canadian. I didn't say everyone leaches off welfare, just some people who ruin it for everyone. I am unaware if UK has a welfare system at all. And thanks... we've been decorating for the winter.

what smells like pork and has green all over?how can a color have taste?we can associate colors with tast,but colors dont have taste! cryons dont count.also jupiter has A ring.also those are just the planets in this solar system.if you wish to learn about more about some planets that are not in my solar system i refer you to Discover's galaxy guide issue(aug. or sept. 2000 i cant remember).by the way the answer to the 1st question is miss pigy in heat.bye--db"_"
Damn... I thought that the answer to one was my mother after many beers, piles of pork, spinach and some salted peanuts. Anyways... the answers to the rest...
2. Take many drugs or eat an orange.
3. Again, eat an orange.
As for the rest, sometimes rings go loopty loop... and sometimes they just spin around. According to my manual... it says "Earth: Mostly Harmless"tm.

Boy, it's funny. People ask you questions like they think you're God or something and you're just another person and no you're not a sock monkey you pinhead! I'm so tired of Evolution! One thing I know is that I didn't come from a freakin' monkey! You suck! How can you hate Christmas? You must be some kind of retard to have a website like this! What's worse, is that people actually treat you like you're superior to them! It feels good to get that off my chest!
Yes I am a sock monkey, how would you even know if I was or wasn't? You came from that sticky brown goo found under rocks. Yes I suck, but only when it tastes good. Retarded people shouldn't be made fun of... that's just they way they are. Glad to see you're feeling better... it was great chatting with you. And for those who do think I'm god, well that is just not right. It's not my fault people born to die each day, and that stupid fucking people come to your door each sunday... I'm just a sock monkey.

Why do people like the taste of blood? Like licking someone else's small cut???? Why is that almost arousing?
Well, blood is kinda salty... but has a unique flavor. The human stomach can't handle a whole lot of it, so small cuts work the best. It's almost arousing because blood is the essence of life, so by taking in someone else's blood, it's can be perceived as being quite intimate.... or psychotic... either way make sure they agree to it before you do it.

what is your take on japense fighting fish???
well, although I have personally partaken in this event, I would have to say that on the whole, it is a completely barbaric event. I mean, two grown women in skimpy outfits fighting in a ring filled with mud... it's just not a humane event... and then calling them fish... and japenese ones at that! No wonder they're fighting!

why don't we have magic transporter things soooo that we can just magically transport to where we want to go in seconds rather then getting stuck in traffic jams or having to walk.
I ask that every day and NO ONE ever answers me. If you ever get an answer, you let me know!

Well, I don't have a dick but I'm sure if I had one it would be pretty sweet and I would teach it to stay. Anywho, which ones are creepier, Umpa Lumpas or Lollipopmen? ~P.N.
Umpa Lumpas by far... they insanely wrong hats, they dance and they put white powder into chocolate for all the kids while singing about how fat kids suck and the chorus is them singing their own name. Lollipopmen just do that pathetic dance and hang onto their belts...

Why should I ask you a question? You never answer it intelligently and have fantasies about being some sort of monkey. I think you should just stop all this and get a life. You probably spend hours reading and answering questions when you could be having fun. And your answers are usually stupider than the question.
Sometimes I answer intelligently... so you can't say never. I would get a life, but frankly I'm too tired. I could tell you all the things I do in real life, but I don't have to. I spend maybe an hour a day on this, depending on how many questions there are and how good they are. My answers are usually shorter because they don't need to be any longer. And I'd rather be a sock monkey then a human... and this sock monkey doesn't wish to fully disclose anything about myself due to crazed psychos out there wanting to stalk others. My site IS fun... I told you I was a geek... I don't lie to impress you humans.

whats your favorite thing to do a)eat b)sleep c)drink d) have sex e)answer gay questions like mine f)make fun of people probliems don't ask me why i'm asking you this but i just want to know.
I would have to say that sleeping is my favorite thing to do. That is because I dream every night (yes I know all people do) but I remember every dream and can remember it better then real memories.

How does one seduce a homosexual transvestite, skitzophrenic, tight, loosed panty, furry, tall, strong, sexy, and incredibly randy Monkey who doesn't like humans?
well... i don't know if you'd really have a chance. I mean, a hot item like that is hard to keep satisfied for long. I'd just give it a bit of grope and run like hell.

How exactly do you tell if you're insane? Is it something you just know, or does someone have to tell you? It works either way for me, but what about others? -DS
I had this discussion with someone the other day, but we were talking about the difference between 'mad' and 'insane'. So to answer your question, you don't tell at all. It is all a matter of perspective, and since you are insane, eveyone else appears insane to you, while you remain sane. Let me explain this further with a true-life story. There is a man named Jack who is about 93 years old. He lives alone in a house. His house is filled with newspapers, garbage and unopened presents from friends. He won't open the presents because he is saving them. They have been there for at least 5 years. He goes to the nearest fast food place, orders 15 hamburgers, brings them home and freezes them. When he wants one, he heats it up. In the winter, he wakes up at 1am and goes out to his driveway to start clearing away snow. If anyone walks on his snow, he yells at them. If his neighbors try to help him out by shoveling his snow, he comes out and screams that they are fuckers and need to get the hell off his property. He goes up onto his roof with a broom so he can sweep away the snow. Each summer he drags his lawn mower out onto his driveway and takes it apart. At the end of the summer, he puts it back together and back into the garage it goes. His toes are turning black because of poor circulation, and he refuses to see a doctor. He thinks the doctors will give him germs if he goes and then try to swindle him out of all his money and his house. To me, Jack is insane. To Jack, I am insane. We are both right, but Jack thinks that there is nothing wrong with him. Now is this all due to old age in Jack's case? Not according to those that have known him for the last 40 years. Is the snow responsible for this insanity? I think so. So the moral of the story is, snow sucks.

Why do people that don't like this site keep on coming back? ~P.N.
because deep down inside they love me and yearn to hear what i have to say next. quite frankly they hate to love me, but can't help it cuz i'm just so wonderful. and yes, i do accept cash donations to keep my sock monkey collection growing.

I am Dr. SockenMonkeystein I can create sock monkeys, and I have a large assortment of colors, i love it, but the trouble is when i wake up in the morning my sockenmonkeysteins have dirt and grass on their little sockenmonkeystein feet, and a strange reddish brown stain around their mouth and on their hands, my neighbors (or what neighbors i have left, they keep abruptly disappearing, how odd) now keep insisting on executing me, and i am pelted with rotting fruit and old hamburger when i try to go out, i wonder why this is, do you know how i could be a better neighbor? and why are my sockenmonkeysteins expressing such odd behavior? could they be becoming sexually mature? perhaps i should separate the adult males from the juveniles? or should i have them fixed? i take good care of them, and i make sure to pair only the most compatible and matching sockenmonkeysteins together, and i only use the softed and most top quality stuffing, but yet they are still wandering at night, perhaps when i create more i will use 100% cotton socks only..
You can be a better neighbor by giving all your neighbors one of your sockmonkeysteins. Your sockmonkeysteins are behaving as young sockmonkeysteins do... so yes they are becoming sexually mature. You need to separate the younger normal ones from the older crazy ones. If you have them fixed, then the problems will stop. I'm glad to see that you take good care of them and insist they have a proper diet. You can send a black sockmonkeystein to me just to be sure though.

The human culture can be very annoying at times, especially the children and the old people. Someone told me that ants have a much more complex culture than humans, but I don't find them nearly as annoying. Why is this. -DS
Because ants can't drive cars and cut you off. Ants can't call you up in the middle of the night with a wrong number. An ant doesn't do stupid things like start wars or form governments and religions to control your every waking moment. And you can fry ants with magnifying glasses without being put in jail.

I am a little freak, drowning in a world of overused and ill-contrived media and material idolatry. All I want is a cheeseburger and to nourish my inner-sockmonkey. Help me! What can I do?? -Daisy
Well, dead cow isn't the way to nourish anything, much less your inner-sockmonkey. Sock monkeys don't eat meat... so feed your inner sock monkey lots of fruits and juices. Also, take them out for a swing in the trees, as they love to frolic there instead of watching tv. Go out, and have some fun like a good little sock monkey.

a lot of people ask you questions, but who do you go to ask a question.and are you proud of your "free thinking" abilty?--db"_"
I simply pretend to be someone else and write myself. Then, when I'm in a different mood, I answer the question. Yes, I am proud of my free-thinking ability.... i bought it off the crazy man downtown who always wears the purple hat with the pompom.

why do you resent and insult the americans?, we actually dont hate you canadians, and we really don't make fun of you or about you at all (face it, you're dull), you just think we hate you and therefore insult us, sure we did the southpark thing with terrance and phillip..but hell, we accepted tom green when you could no longer stand him, of course we did give him back, and sent that fucked up drew barrymore with him, but anyway, our government is going downhill, true, ANYONE could run for office, but like you said, you didn't give a shit anyway and as i scan through the pages of these questions i see various claims of what scum we are, we are no better than you are, and not all of the americans are the same!!! you're stooping to exact same low that you say we're at everytime you rant us!!! i'm personally offended because i don't fit into any of the stereotypes you have come up with for "all americans" i am not closeminded, i am not self centered, and damnit im not white trash!! or any trash for that matter!! so when you try to answer this with some sort of rambling, remember, you yourself claim over and over you see everyone as equal, but you constantly bitch about the americans, bit of a hypocrite there aren't we?
if you had numbered your questions it would have made it easier... but that's ok cuz you're american. I resent and insult all people. Tom green and drew are awesome... so thanks for sending them back and south park rocks. You see, on this site we make fun of many different people. We have a whole section on people who suck... you may want to see if you appear anywhere else on the list. If you don't fit the stereotype, then good for you, you can carry on with your life and not give a shit what a sock monkey thinks of you. In fact, I don't think you're american at all, but an alien pretending to be an american. If you are indeed an alien, i would like to see any photographs that you may have of the rest of the universe.

gibberish, there i typed it, and im going to do it again...gibberish, sockenmonkeysteins have infact bred, when i awoke this morning i found my paisley female with a litter of sockbooties (a booty is a baby sock, not an arse) three little pink girls with lace, and two little blue and white boys with stripes, they're adorable, however i don't know who the father is, as none of the males have lace or blue and white stripes, so im beginning to think that my female is a lesbian and tried the turkey baster technique, i do have a butch lesbian sockenmonkeystein, shes a bit of a loner, and just sits on the shelfs all day, but who knows!!! i thought about giving them away to the neighbors when they're old enough, but i don't know if they can take care of them properly, do you know anyone who could give them a nice home?? p.s... if you're a sockmonkey, and you collect sockmonkeys wouldn't that make you a sockmonkey owner?, and wouldn't that be slavery??? and if your mom made that monkey featured on the site, then wouldn't it be your brother or sister??? or is that you?? ahh so many questions
well lets do these in order... i don't know anyone besides me or you who would give them a nice home. I don't actually collect sockmonkeys, i open my home to them for as long as they need. It would be slavery if i owned them and put them to work like finding all the bows on girls underwear and ripping them off. Yes, it would be my brother or sister, but alas, it is me. Try not to laugh at my boots. They have bells on them. I like bells. They annoy people. That's why I like bells.

ya know, i love your bells. the add a snappy quality to you and i envy u. alas i would like to know how ur taste in boots became so refined as i would like to build mine
Well, felt is the ultimate material. It is soft, and comes in many bright colors. You can easily cut felt and nothing beats the warmth it offers on a cool night. Red is a basic color, and for many, invigorating. Green is a nice earthy color, and when you put them together, the only thing better is bells. They're not in the picture, but i also have a matching hat and shirt. Perhaps when i'm feeling a bit flighty, i'll take some pictures of them... you know... model them around for you all sexy like.

how should you ask someone if they are a pathalogical lier
well if you just straight out ask, if they are, they will lie. if they aren't, they won't lie. but you won't know if they're lying or not... so basically you just have to ask them a bunch of obvious questions, and if they lie for them all, then they are.
smashing open their skull and digging out their brains with a spoon sometimes works... but not very well.

what makes a freak? when do u become a freak, is there like a test that goes along with it, what if your a freak and don't know it, what if your not a freak, and don't know it...why does cody spray me with the butter scotch spray on a so forth
i'm not sure exactly what makes someone a freak, as it depends largely on the perception of those around the so called freak. for instance, in a society of insane people, the sane person is the freak. if you think you're a freak, maybe you are just wanting to be a freak, which in a way makes you a freak, but not the freak you wanted to be. and cody does that so he can lick it off you...

I'm sure this has been asked, but, can cheese be made from human milk ?
i don't think this has been asked yet.... i think i'd remember it. i don't know, but find a lactating chick and milk her (i'm feeling sick just thinking about it), then try to make cheese. report back to us on how it went... and what it tasted like. maybe you'll find a way for all those chicks that do nothing but shoot out babies all day to make some money and actually contribute more then another fucking brat to society.

Is it me, or are traffic cones trying to take over the world? I see them every day, lined up on the side of the road, and I am terrified they will try to jump in front of my car. What should I do?
now that you mention it... i have noticed more and more of them lately... i think you're right. i say we run them all down so they can't take over.

How come I never see sock monkeys in elevators? Do they have a fear of them? How do they get to the tops of buildings? Do they fly? Can you teach me how to fly? -DS
they do not like them due to elevator doors closing on their tails. they will go on elevators only if others pick them up and hold them the whole time on the elevator. so if you see one nearby, pick it up and help them out. they only fly if you throw them out windows... and even then it's just for about a minute. flying is simply the art of missing the ground. there are detailed instructions on how to due this in one of the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy books by douglas adams... but the whole series is quite spectacular so read the whole thing.

my severed foreskin returned, this time during the day.My mom insists that I invite him over for dinner but I'm skeptic - I regard him as dangerous. Should I be hospitable and bring him over ?
well, due to your traumatic history... i'd suggest meeting in a neutral place first like a restaurant or something. make it a lunch so the time is short, and you can always walk out if it tries to re-attach itself to you. After you two have spoken for awhile and worked out your feelings... then perhaps have him over for dinner. your mom just wants to see you both happy...

Why are turds tapered on the end?
well, from what i gathered from my trip to the bathroom to find out... when you push your shit out, it has to come through your asshole. that is round, and is kinda snapped shut. the shit must be pushed through this area by other muscles inside you until the asshole muscles relax enough to widen up to let the shit out. the muscles are pushing that shit out, kinda tapering the front of the shit. eventually upon completion your asshole figures that enough shit has escaped and snaps shut again, tapering off the end of the shit. this happens repeatedly in a sitting sometimes.

in Whats eating Gilbert Grape - how wasthe retrospective -of understanding ones sekf shown?
well i haven't seen that movie in a long time... that's the one about some kinda hot guy and he's all trying to be a big man while a retard is up a tree and a fat lady is crushing the floor right? I personally found that the unconditional love that these people had for each other and their insane differences was enough to make me think "Hey... if those freaks can all get along as they are, then why the hell am I sitting here clothed?"

If I'm holding steady at 140 lbs. and stand at average height and can hold my breath for up to two minutes at a time...AND... I wish to perform auto-fellatio (sucking myself) and if and when I get good at it, should I swallow my own load when I climax..OR...should I shoot it into the air as far as it will go and then proceed to wipe my dick on the curtains. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
wiping your dick on the curtains is a great idea... but here are some things you'll want to consider each time you suck yourself off....
a) no one will be offended if you spit it out and make a nasty face
b) you should probably have a taste sample to find out if you like the taste or hate it... just lick a bit off your hand when you're finished jerking off sometime.
c) you will know what to do when the moment comes (get it?)
d) when you're finished with yourself, i have a few friends who'd like to be taught how to do the same thing

Whats the most fun you can have with me??
well, just bring some marbles, a few gummi bears, some glow in the dark body paint, my digital camera, a pointy stick, some coffee, a leaf jersey, some frozen raspberries, some rope, lots of hot wax and a stick of butter, there will be no end to the fun i can have with you

In the land of cotton-tails and corn-rows where do purple people live and how do they cope with their desire to be orange? -Drea
well, back in the days of orange skies and green moments, the purple people yearned to be the color of their sky so they could fly among the stars. due to gravity, the dream of flying was not realized until much later. since the purple people were spending so much time fighting gravity, they forgot about becoming orange until the ancient texts outlining their plan to become orange was rediscovered. so the purple people decided to grow cotton tails and corn to ease the pain of not being orange while their best scientists work away at trying to find something to turn them orange. you can help them out by donating money or orange dye to their cause.

As a young sock monkey.......did u ever get...urges?
i have many many urges. just recently, i had the urge to rip out all my carpeting, install grass instead and then install special grow lights so i can leave them on at night to keep the grass alive. Once there is some nice grass growing, i shall frolic in it naked.

I have a friend who keeps using the word retard as an insult. I find it troubling. Retard has many functional uses like; flame retardant, socially retarded and emotionally retarded. I don't think that disabilities should be something that people use as general insult. Calling someone a retard or a spastic or a cripple just seems to me to be cruel and insensitive. To much the same effect, calling people gay to hurt their ego and damage their masculinity is just as wrong. At the end of the day, it's all just pathetic egotistical pursuits in order to make small minded people feel better about themselves and establish some kind of social hierachy. And they say we're evolved? Evolved my ass! We're, if you'll forgive my tone, just the monkies we evolved from. Wouldn't you agree?
shut up you retard... hahahaha... i couldn't resist...
if you are referring to a handicapped person, then say handicapped. The word retard should be removed from the language... only the word retarded should be kept and used to describe an item of clothing that your mother gives you for your birthday.

What kind of stupid ass name is SAnimal any way?
well his first name starts with an S... and his last name (supposedly) is Animal. i think that he is full of shit and is trying to make people think he is a SexAnimal when infact he is a StupidassAnimal.

dear Dc...does Saninmal have a hate for all sock monkey beings? the other day i saw him handing out "Jesus hates sock munkys" flyers, i wept in my tail...why is the world so full of hate, WHY!
yes, and i saw him too... so i tried to run him down. it didn't work. maybe if you see him again, you can run him over and do us all a favor...

hi. Anyway, you seem to enjoy bitching about yer nieghbors, so tell me, young sock monkey, what other blasphemous sins have they commited against you most peaceful nature. Ok, im no poet, but still, what did they do, besides being shitty rappers. --Laser-Monkey, pyromanically disturbed boy
well... since you ask... the little white trash brats who live behind my place have a pool. they run out there every day, yell at others in the house to join them and continue to yell at each other instead of speaking in a normal voice. The brats put on shitty brittney type music, and while all of them are screaming in the pool, the cd player begins to skip. Since they are all in the pool screaming, the cd does not skipping until one of them hauls their fat stupid ass out of the pool to turn it off. Have i mentioned that someone has hung up CHIMES? chimes fucking SUCK and i hate ANYONE who puts them up. my birthday is this month so if anyone wants to get me a gift... a rifle would be great.

Why am I shaking? I wont stop shaking.. HAHAHAHA!! LOOK!! there is a big spider on the wall.. Oh shit.. its coming towards me....
it might be all that caffeine you've been drinking... and the caffeine pills... and the chocolate covered coffee beans... and the expressos... and that spider is actually your eyelashes... try opening your eyes just a bit more and it will all be ok.

in a fight between pamela anderson lee and dolly parton, who would win?
well, first of all, they'd have to use sticks, as their boobs would prevent them from being able to reach each others faces. i would have to say that dolly parton would win though, as she has some intelligence, whereas pamela is about as smart as her fake breasts. all dolly would have to do is say "look! an abusive ugly man!", pamela would look and dolly would take a baseball bat to pamelas boobs. they would explode, and we could all watch pamela die and be glad that she can no longer breed, do interviews, or fuck ugly rock stars. way to go dolly!

if you could slap my ass with something, and you had to choose only one thing... would you choose a)a bat b)a large wooden paddle or c)your tail?
i would choose the wooden paddle. the bat would do too much damage too quickly, robbing me of ass slapping fun. the tail wouldn't inflict any damage at all. the paddle allows me to repeatedly slap you with a considerable amount of force causing me extreme pleasure

While in the mall I noticed that a gigantic bird was following me around and it wasnt no big bird either... evry time I'd look around to see it, it woudl duck behind some shelves and hide. what should i do to confront it
trick it into a room with nothing in it... then slam & lock the door. engage the bird in a discussion to determine why you are being followed and when the behavior will stop. if the bird doesn't answer, or tries to peck your eyes out, you may have to 'break' it by climbing on it's back until it is tamed. at that point, you've got yourself the coolest bike on the block and everyone will become envious of you.

you have visitors?
sometimes. they come and go. sometimes they play with the cat. sometimes they leave food. sometimes they just mess the place up and steal my underwear.

The elves came yesterday, they repossessed my car, they repossed my furniture, all I have is a wooden removal chest. So I'm lonely and I'm hanging out on a street corner looking for somewhere to go. The rain's pouring down and every car that passes washes a huge wave of water in my face. I'm soaked, I'm pissed off and I'm about to cry. Okay, I am crying, now. I gave you all my time and money and you left me, you left me for that slut. I hope you die you fucking bastard, I hope you gay little sock monkey boots shrivel and you are forced to have you genitals removed after a very painful bout of genital warts. DIE ALREADY!! You little shitter. Can I sleep in your garage?
yes you can... but leave my shriveled up boots and sore genitals out of this... unless of course you want to make them feel better... i swear the other sock monkeys meant nothing to me... it was just a one-time drunken orgy

is this real? or is this just a figament of my inmagnation? prehaps its a figament og ur imagination! is it the carrot? argh! i'm being sucked into the monitor! heeeeeeelp! <pop> <tinny voice> groovy. <pop> woohoo! i win! wotd i get?
YOU are a figment of MY imagination... but then again... i am just a sock monkey with a computer... so perhaps we are all figments of some sick individuals imagination.... and... hey! hey!! get out of my computer!!! i don't want you reading that email... HEY! stop eating my icons! leave my screensaver alone!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I walked down the moonlight path to my house. i could see the light from my window through a break in the trees. i had a suspicion that something was wrong when i saw the headlights of an oncoming car through the outline of the house. i thought "shit, my parents are home". i try to sneak in through the back but my mother is already waiting by the door. They didnt yell at me, they didnt even seem mad. In fact, they told me that those headlights were the new car they'd bought me for my birthday. they said that despite the fact that i was failing out of school and already gotten 3 STD's in the last 4 months that they hadent forgotten about my birthday present. excitedly i ran out to the driveway and there it was. i'd never felt such terror in my life. i felt weak and almost passed out. there it was. the light shimmering off the fake wood paneling. my parents had bought me an '89 STATION WAGON!!!!!! what's the most excruciating pain you've ever been put through?
well i've had to go to a number of weddings... that's torture. Besides that i'd have to say that living in this white trash kid infested shithole is the most torture i've had to go through... coupled with the fact that i now work part-time at home on the computer and can't escape the never ending white-trash daycare screaming. can i come live in your wagon?

I have further pondered the value of ducks to the cat cause and been forced to find another weakness in the plan. With the ducks, the cats (lords of all and supreme beings on this earth) would be able to conquer the air and, their most feared adversary, water but there is still one missing link. The greater enemy of the canine world can still dig. Were cats to resort to the methods of digging and hunting dogs out they would ruin their beautiful fur coats and yet, if nothing were done, dogs could build a worthy and strong restistance to the cats (as in done in many fictional sci-fi series - Cleopatra 2525, for instance). For this reason, I believe it may be necessary for our lords and rulers to ally themselves with a burrowing creature. Moles? Maybe but they are not viscious enough when facing an enemy. Worms? They are resilient and keep going when cut in half but I believe the best ally would be the Ants. Ants are the undeniable rulers of the deep, were the cats to form such an alliance, the ants could get in the dog's fur and make them itch so much they are forced out to the surface and into the kitty litter mines to pull mine carts. - humble servant to the cats, Mzebonga
the cats have taken your points into consideration, however, due to the war of 1988 with the ants, and alliance at this time with them is premature. the cats have been discussing other means of burrowing etc, and they know that there are machines made to do this sort of thing and until they can replace all the humans with robots, humans will be used to operate the machinery. dogs will be run over by this machinery, eliminating their threat. all other details are classified.

Why do stupid people keep making stupid balloon animals?
well, stupid people keep asking them to make more... and the balloon animals never judge you... never mock you or call you names, or call you and hang up in the middle of the night.

Can I bitchslap you?
yea... i think it need it... i just can't come up with long responses to questions...

I was going through every page of your questions and I noticed the question "are you gay" about ten times, maybe you should include this in your list of rules of things not to ask?
well i haven't had that one in awhile... and you get a good question award for spending the time reading all the past questions

ok..... mr banana split went to the supermarket yesterday and he asked me for a cheese bun and i said fuck you you asshole you're gonna die was i too mean to him?
i think that the asshole comment was a bit harsh, but damnit, i'm tired of him asking for cheese buns... next time peel the fucker and eat his innards.

Hi I'm canadian and I like to hump my bed. Now, normally, I'm informed that there should be another person of the opposite sex in the bed when I hump and ejaculate all my bodily fluids on to the wet mattresses... is this true? Or should I continue with my inane behavior of humping my bed? If you answer this well, I also have a problem with my dog and our neighbor's plants I need to talk to you about.
well... some may lead you to believe that you need another person, but quite frankly, anything that will absorb your bodily fluids is a great idea. you may find that you go through a lot of bedding... so i suggest that you put down some towels to save you the hassle of having to always sleep on sticky bedding. now if you can find someone who is willing to lay on your bed to take your bodily fluid away, make sure that this person is above the age of 16, aware of what is going on, and most importantly, make sure that no kids will be a result. i look forward to your question about your dog and your neighbors plants.

Dc, I once made a sock-monkey out of old socks and i fucked up the tail, and now it looks lke the tail is growing out of his back. well needless to say, when is the best time for eating cheeses? id like to know mostly about pepperjack cheese. thanks buddy.
the best time to eat any cheese is during the full moon. other then that, any other time of day (except for those moments spent in your shower) is a great time to eat cheese. now eating the cheese is more important.. you must savor each bite, and delight in each cheesy moment of blissful taste. feel the texture of it in your mouth, the aged flavor of it and most of all, the aftertaste of it on your tongue.

The goverment tells me it's carbonation, but i think you know better, why are there bubbles in my soda, all knowing Dc?
they have enslaved an alien race, forcing them to blow bubbles into all of our beverages so that the government can sell us shitty boy bands and slutty pre-teens until we all choke on the smog that factories spew out at us. just make your own soda and fart through a straw into it... it tastes much better then you'd think... at half the cost!

So i was thinking that i would sell all my things and abandon all my friends and family to go on a 12 year sabatical into the new russian republic. Do you think my friends would take me back if i brought them a bunch of those little dolls that open up to even smaller ones? you know what i'm talking about. everyone loves those.
those dolls are great... in fact forget all your loser friends and just send me those dolls. i like to put things in them. they hold my secrets. my pretty little dolls hold ALL my little secrets

does Satan have acsess to the internet and if so does he visit porn sites.
if he exists then i'm sure satan would go online... but he would probably visit all the xian sites to have a good hard laugh at them. why would he download porn when he could just go do it himself.

why is the alphabet in that order? is it because of that song? - Fido Dido
yes it is because of that song. it gained popularity in the 1800's and since children had it all memorized, they decided to build a cult of sorts around it... the whole alphabet thing is a plot to kill us all.

At what point in the process of things do we know that we've fallen in love? Is it possible to fall in love twice? Isn't it more than likely that love is simply a state of europhoria we achieve when eating chocolate and drinking coffee or taking illegal substances? If it is, then does love really exist or is it just another petty addiction for human beings? What if love is simply the state of compromise - that we simply fall in love with someone for the sake of not being alone even though that person doesn't meet our vision of the perfect mate? Isn't it likely that if even a meagre percentage of the population had the integrity to say they'd not wish to compromise their expectations of the perfect mate then more people would die bitter and alone? Do you think it is likely that there is someone for everyone on this planet? Is there anyone for me? - Mzebonga. PS: What becomes of the broken hearted (who had love that's now departed)?
you know, with all this talk of love and stuff... let's just face it... sometimes you fall in love, or you THINK you're in love but then suddenly you're not anymore or the person you love is saying they don't love you and then it's tears and then the phone call of apology that leads to another few weeks of bliss then terror as the whole thing happens again and each time you feel less and less in love until you are just bitter drunk and alone thinking what a fuckup that person was and if there is anyone out there for you but who needs that sort of shit anyways when you've got friends and they're much better then the mind-fucking you get from dating

Couldn't it be that it was in fact the road which shifted beneath the chicken?
i think you're onto something there... i have had that happen many times to me...

why is it that more ugly people than good looking people get laid? - ripping into bliss
i think it is because all the ugly people get drunk and then just start fucking whatever moves. let's face it, most good looking people are nothing but makeup, pretend and stupidity.... so you're just fucking someone who LOOKS like they're good looking, but they are just ugly people dressed up as good looking ones.

Is the mayor from Nightmare Before Christamas related to you?
he is my favorite uncle... he gives the BEST gifts

Why did the purple banana choose to lick my almighty one-eyed pencil sharpener? WHY.... second of all... what are you doing playing with that grenade? young master harold the pinecone-tooting seamunkey said " ENVELOPE! let the young ones alone in their native plastic curtain rod. ~ KiM ~
WHAT? the purple banana licked the one-eyed pencil sharpener???!!! NOOOOOOO! what is this world coming to? first a chicken goes across a freeway and now... sob... i just can't take it all... the grenade will make it all better...

Someone strolls back onto the site after 8 months of absense and you greet them back asking them to please helps the likes of me, Fido Dido, Sally and Laser Monkey. You ungrateful little shite, what if all of us fucked off and left you and your little friend to ask questions on this site? I bet the question would be really fucking crappy then, wouldn't they? Just you think about that, young man. - Mzebonga (feeling really pissy today)
actually i had meant that you and those i mentioned were the only ones asking good questions. the new person could therefore take note of your questions and perhaps follow your fine examples. sorry you took it the wrong way... and i've given you a good question award to make it up to you

So, I had this plan, having read the WHOLE "Dude Where's My Car?" scenario. That plan was to attempt to kill whoever wrote it. This met with the problem that I don't know who or where that "whoever" is. So, plan B: I decided to kill myself. Which struck me as both selfish in that it left the problem for others to cope with and really didn't solve anything much. So plan C is where you come in: what do you say if we blow everybody up so they stop talking about what a shit time they had in a video store and the jackasses that rent "Dude Where's My Car?"? Sound good to you? - Mzebonga
i think that plan c is the best plan ever. let me know what you need from me and i'll be sure to do what i can. you get a good question award for actually reading that whole 'dude where's my car' entry.

So I was really bored yesterday and I decided to try to educate myself. So I went to Yahoo (well, knowledge has to start somewhere) and sat in a Religion and Beliefs room. Now, bear with me because this bit almost makes the "Dude Where's My Car?" thing seem amusing. While I was sat there, these "Christians", well one of them, began to give news accounts of US forces leaving harbour and they began to type on the screen: USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA! And words to the effect of: "Bomb all Afgans". Now, it strikes me, and forgive me if I'm wrong, that politcally, there is no campaign against the Afgans just yet and it's juts the senior psychopath Binladen they're after. So where do "Christian" Americans who chase me out of their chat room calling me a commi and a fascist (two conflicting views) get off worshipping the state and loving the prospect of bombing Afghanistan? Whatever happened to "Thou shalt not kill?" "Love thy neighbour?" And why is it that the US thinks that Muslims on the whole are responsible? The generalisation really fucks me off. While I hate those responsible and I want to see the fuckers killed, wouldn't it be better to wait until the Afghans actually declared that they would not release Binladen? Wouldn't it be better to inform the US nation that it is not Muslims they are at war with? What the fuck is the US doing? I've had enough of them. - Mzebonga
the thing you have to remember about religions is that no logic may enter their minds. xians are a great example of this, and that is why the xian church has a trail of blood leading to it. religion makes people feel that they are better then others, and once you think you're better then others, you tend to believe that you can do whatever you want to them. the religious freaks who hijacked the planes are the same sort of people that put others to death for thinking the world was round. the masses of people are stupid and they like to put people in tidy categories to justify being assholes to them. for all the people in the world who believe in a loving god, they certainly don't show it once their one hour on sunday is over.

So, I went to collect my laptop and I had to undertake a cycle that I made for "questionable" reasons four years previously. So the whole thing comes back to me... And I realised quite to my despair that in four years, I am making no progress. People are still shitting on me, girls still want to be "just friends" and I still have an underlying impression of complete and utter pointlessness. Do I need a shrink? - Mzebonga
tell those people off and remove them from your life. be friends with the chicks if they aren't shitting on you. life is pointless, so find something that you don't hate doing and do it... write a book, paint your ceilings, learn to weave baskets and visit this site hourly. if you hate doing the same thing for four years, then stop doing it. the only thing a shrink will do is suck away some more money, make you feel more depressed and change nothing

Which is, ultimately, better: the powder cheese in the macoroni boxes, like the Publix kind, or the cheese that's already creamy, like in the kraft boxes? Or, at least, which do you prefer? borden
well i haven't had the kraft due to me hating them, but i would prefer to use the powder cuz who knows whats goin on in that liquid pouch thing or how long its been there fermenting in that pouch

JCP rocks!Don't you think?
why yes i do... and not just because if i say no she'll have me deleted and my mailbox filled with pictures of benji the dog fucking my various family members... she knows i think she rocks... but not enough to have her husband come and beat me to death with benji the dog while she takes pictures to send to my relatives

how is it my horrorscope is such a perfect match to me? do you have a room full of psychic monkeys doing your dirty work for you? -psychotic_freak (aries)
well i can't tell you our methods, but we all know about your fetish for ball point pens... and that time you thought you were alone under the sheets in the dark? with your winnie the poo hand puppet? yea? well we know about that too

how? - Fido Dido
well once there was a tree who loved to give out presents to the children... one day a little girl came to the tree and asked for a pony... so the tree went out and got her a pony but the girl had been killed in her sleep by her parents so now the pony had no home... so the tree was sad for the pony and couldn't let it just wander the streets without a home... so the tree cooked up the horse and fed it to all the greedy children... and that is exactly how

If I was in a desert, and the only thing around me was sand, and I decided to build a fort, out of sand, did I create a fort, or is the sand just rearranged fort-wise? With that logic, since everything can be broken down into sub-atomic particles, is there really anything at all? speed racer
no there is really nothing at all. you see, nothing matters at all because time will eventually just wipe it back to a big fat zero... no matter what ever happens anywhere ever... so do you have a bathroom in this fort?

If cheese tasted of stawberries do you think less people would put it on pizza? Would cheese then bring you out in a rash? Would it still be yellow or would one of the things that alter the flavour also alter the colour making all cheese a much deeper red than before? If all cheeses tasted of strawberry, would there be only one variety of cheese? What would mice eat? What would we do when having a fondu party? Is it possible that cheese is the single entity which holds up society as we know it? What would happen to the world economy as a result of cheese tasting of strawberries? - Mzebonga
i would still ask for extra cheese and i could finally enjoy the taste of strawberry on my pizza without little bits that get caught in my teeth and then when i chew them they sound like teeth breaking which makes me panic and think that my teeth are fucked and then i have to calm down and remember about those stupid seeds.... no rash unless you rolled in moldy cheese... this strawberry cheese thing seems to complex right now... i like strawberries and i like cheese... not together though

Can you help me make a trap for the polar bears, because they have eaten all of my blue socks except for 1 pair. If anyone could help me with getting rid of sock eating polar bears, I figured it would be a sock monkey.
put out some snow and a box and then get the bear in the box with the snow but only a bit of it and they don't eat socks they pet socks cuz they keep their paws warm except in the water where it just freezes to their paws so they should take off their socks before they swim

In the question: "which came first the chicken or the Egg?" I think the answer is the chicken, because capital letters weren't invented for many years after the creation of language. Am I right? - Mzebonga
you win!

how come "people" say christopher columbus discovered america if when he got here there was alrdy people here? ? ? ?.......thats like me coming to your back yard kicking u out and then telling every body look at the new land i found.
because people are stupid... have i told you i found some land the other day? i was just out walking and suddenly there it was so i planted my flag on it and did a little dance...

I was out for my walk today and dammit a child came past running and screaming I look back and the father is just wandering along not a care in the world .Why do people let their kids run riot?
because people are STUPID and they think 'hey.. why not let my brat run around screaming because who cares about anyone in the area that might not want to hear this? why teach my kids to think about others when they can just be little assholes' and those some stupid people wonder why everyone else is so rude all the time

Does your mom and dad visit this site and what do they think of it?
i know they've seen a few articles that i've written (remember i'm not the only one working on this site)... but i am not aware of them reading beyond that... my mom really liked the shopping bag article and the cow cocoon idea actually began with my father telling us that when on a long drive somewhere...

What happen you stop to think for a while... and then forget to start again??
that happens a lot when i'm forced to go to family functions ... my one aunt and uncle live in this rich neighborhood and the stupidity of what goes on is incredible... i'm not sure but i think that each item in the house has been chosen to make you feel uncomfortable... so we sit in their 'sitting room' (a whole room for sitting on horrible furniture) and stare out the window talking about shit for hours until they feed you and you can finally leave... i begin to think again on the way home (for i would never stop thinking completely until i die or i become just like the rest of those fuckers out there that i hate so much) and on the way home i think about how petty most of my family is and what grandma's problem is with fat people

How can you fuck someone like an animal AND feel them from the inside??
well if you are fucking them, then that means that you have something inside of them that is part of you (unless it's a strap on or something but we'll pretend that this is just involving a guy and girl)... so if the guys dick is in the chick and if the guy can feel his dick then he should be able to both fuck like an animal and feel (through his dick) from the inside... unless this is meant to mean that the fucking happens first, then perhaps the skinning of the other person to wear their skin as a costume... in which case they would feel the other person from the inside too...

So the next level of insanity, is that like play station 2's third place? And what is the third place any way? And if the third place is so special, and I pressume the first places is here and now, then what is the second place? Is like the first place a developing place, the third place a developed place and the second place a place with communist government? - Mzebonga
the third place is that uncertain gray area where 1 and 2 didn't seem to fit, but you suspect that one of them was supposed to and that you must be strange for not thinking that it fit right and is there any such thing as a perfect fit anyways and if so... it doesn't last forever... just for that moment of perfection... the communists have nothing to do with it for once

During the days of my foolish youth, I used to throw things down the stairs, sometimes even myself, simply to see what would happen when they reach the bottom. Often times the things I lobbed would smash themselves to pieces, myself being no exception. Now, as a result, the only way I can stay together is through the magic that is tape and staples.. but tape and staples only go so far. My brain has never been the same, and I fear I am slowly going insane.. just yesterday I found myself discussing my life story with a waffle (a chocolate chip waffle, I might add), and much to my suprise, after about an hour of somewhat one-sided conversation, the waffle finally spoke. It told me that being a waffle isn't all that it's cracked up to be, and that I shouldn't even compare my miserable life with that of a lonesome waffle. I realized the error of my ways and apologized to the waffle, and now it is my friend. My question is this, DC the wise... am I going crazy? Or is this waffle genuinely speaking to me?
you are going crazy but no more then needed as i too would throw things down stairs to see them smash... and yes the waffle spoke to you... those chocolate chip waffles are feisty

I used to turn to the bottle for entertainment. It was great for awhile, getting tanked every damn day, but now that damn bottle expects me to amuse myself with it every friggin' chance I get. It's even gone as far as to dance a jig at my feet and sing me a song to convince me to give it just another shot. This is getting out of hand... should I give in and smash the f*** out of it, or just continue on with this little charade until my liver starts to go into spasms?
smash the fuck out of it and send in pictures of it's shattered remains

Have you ever thought about starting a sock monkey training school? If not why not? I'm sure there are lots of people out there who would benefit enormously from gaining the ability to hold a fully licensed and DC endorsed sock monkey. The course could entail things like rudimentary feeding patterns for sock monkeys, television viewing habits and an introduction to sock monkey hygiene, as I understand this area in particular holds some confusion. You could then introduve a more advanced course for multiple sock monkey carers, helping society to become more tolerant of the little fellas. Just a thought, but one I think has great potential. Witto
that is a great idea and perhaps i will take on such a project in the future when i have more funds available unless you would like to donate some to me...

My toaster has started to beat me. It started off with him being generally abusive when he was drunk. Then one day he got home and saw that the raw toast came in a packet labelled 'Bread'. On seeing this he just went mad, throwing waffles, teacakes and crumpets at me. Then one day he raised his.... flex... I'm sorry, this is difficult to talk about... and he ......HIT me. Now it is a regular thing, he'll go out, get tanked up on electrons, come back and threaten to toast me, while beating me around the head with his crumb tray. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what to do. Or which way to turn. Can you help? Witto
i suggest that you unplug the little bitch and then beat it to a pulp with a baseball bat... sometimes thats just the way things need to be handled... have i mentioned that my friend has a girlfriend who should be removed in such a manner??? and if she reads this... then YES you stupid bitch i'm talking about YOU so DIE already

in the toy story, if buzz lightyear tyhinks he is the real thing y does he always lay down and shut up when eva that little boy comes into the room ? ? *G*
everything in that movie is a horrible lie and its wrong that we were lied to like that...

ok heres the deal. every lunch time me and my friends end up getting covered in cream. this is beacuse the school sells these little cream filled donut things and everytime one of my wee group of friends tries to eat one another person wil shove the donut in their face (once i got blackcurrent all over my face and neck but that was really quite fun cos it looked like i was bleeding to death and i used it to my advantage) it is my aim to have more harmful substances but into these cream filled goodies but no one else agrees with my views. is there any way that i could do this without getting found out and then getting done for possible murder?? -keglineq
well i'd have to way more details then i'm willing to listen to about where these items are made... so instead i say you just do it and accept the consequences

how do you think i could persuade my local copper to perform lewd acts for my mother and father
find pictures (or make picutes) of the local copper doing lewd acts to barn animals... and then blackmail the cop into performing acts for you mom and dad... then photograph that and send it to us here to put online

i have become quite taken to wearing my attractive purple and pink lampshade on my head. ive looked this up on the internet and found that it is actually a registered disease (latin:lamplumierewearer) can you tell me what the side effects are?-the on hoo cnt spel
the side effects are that you wear purple and pink lampshades on your head and may be subject to beatings by those who don't understand anything different

say the cats do suceed in their quest to take over the world. who would open up their tins of cat food?? and wouldn't all cat food production cease?? they could eat mice i suppose but they would soon run out cos of all the cats. there won't really be enough humans left alive to open the tins and are you special to them??? -keglineq
'say they do'? of course they will... well if the cats were in charge, they obviously wouldn't have the humans continue making their food and shoving it in tins... you and i would be fed that way while we made them fresh food... the cats would make us do all their bidding... perhaps you will work in the kitty litter mines until you understand their power

How wrong is it to keep a lert? You often hear of people having to keep a lert, but does this affect its basic rights? Where do you keep them? In a cage? Witto
cages are not good for a lerts because someone might get hurt... make sure that there is a clear path to the door at all times... you never keep a lerts, you just have them come and stay for awhile then leave without warning

why aren't you called Damien?? -keglineq
i'll ask my parents... that's a damn good question

i think my sinuses are trying to kill me, so far they have been minor acts of mischief such as suffocating me in my sleep, but im afraid they may turn to firearms or torture devices, what should i do? -psychotic_freak
cut them out ... its the only way

Suppose this is a hypothetical question...If you suddenly realieze that everyone in your neighborhood is part of a cult and they are trying to manipulatively get you to join it, but you cant speak out against it unless you will be eliminated, what do you do?
more like what AM i doing amid this town of people who think that TV and logos should dictate there lives... i take it out on you people who seem to enjoy it and come back for more because sometimes i give you a green head... it works out well for us all

I don't think you're actually insane, I think you're just an evil dictator trying to round us all up in one room and then gas us. What do you say now I've busted open your plan? - Mzebonga
nonsense... would you like to come over later? i have this really cool room that you'd like...

Why do all the new questions just suck now? I mean, they're really dumb. I remember a time when i would frequent the site and enjoy lots of good, wholesome, quality questions. Nothing about butt sex, or some new absurd "play toy" on the market. This is not what sock monkeys are about. Is it? Please, DC, say it aint so. Do sock monkeys really just want to hear about weird anal probes? speedracer
i know... i mean there are way more which is good... but the quality has declined... and sure sock monkeys like to hear about weird anal probes, but not all the time... sock monkeys are about much more then that

I have this problem. It's a little sensitive...oh I don't know if I can...can talk about it. You see, I'm a big macho type, or at least that's what I'd like to think, but I've recently been the victim of vicious abuse from, parrot. You see (sob), he's got this habit of, well, talking, but he says really nasty things like "Fag!" and "Fudge-packer!", and I just can't take it! I'd just be sitting there watching chat shows and all of a sudden he'd reel off an impromptu insult...and not only that, but he also throws things at me, big things, like acorns and screws, and sometimes knives...what can I do? My sanity and image is at stake. BARCLAY
i say you take him out of his cage... snip off his beak and eat him for dinner... either that you take your parrot to counseling where it can learn to identify it's abuse behavior and how it's affecting your life so perhaps it can learn some anger management skills...

i have a problem. my dumpling has become extremly depressed. you see he got out of his little bath of gravy and hauled his soggy ass down to the box office to buy tickets. on the way there he had to dodge the gurbby mits of hungry children and run away from all the dogs that may try to eat him. he was very happy when he crawled into his meat house with the tickets. but then disaster struck. his fave band cancelled their tour and now he is in a very bad state about it. he never comes out of his house anymore. just satys in that carcass he calls home. doesn't even complina about the gravy being cold. what can i do to cheer him up??
warm up the gravy, grind up those kids & heat them up for his dinner... then force his favorite band to play while he eats and if they refuse then grind them up too so they can be a part of him forever

last wendensday i was melting army men with a lighter and one got atomically fused with my forehead. i was wondering if i could use this to my advantage and perhaps become a superhero. what would a good name be for me?
being a superhero is a big commitment ... you have to pick a stupid name, find a way to look 'normal' with a 'normal' identity, figure out a way to be contacted by those you need to help, design and wear a costume, deal with people who never say thank you but will whine if you don't save their pet goldfish too, and other people who just pretend to need your help so they can get some attention... i think a good name would be Captain Fatty Fat Fat Fat

ahhhhh... i know what you did last summer... and what you did on that page where it looks like you updated it, but where you really just nicked bits from other areas of the site, mostly from insane thoughts and ideas... talking of sections on your site, i sent you that thing that i did for what to do when youre bored, you aint said anything about it... and on with the questions... has the sky ever fallen down? how does it stay up there? where is my leg? why did the blind man cross the road, dammit? - Fido Dido
that is what we did (well we did add a new shrink story) so that's why you get an award... and i responded to your email... and the sky falls daily... it just floats up there... i'm not sure... and he wasn't aware that he was crossing a road

So, I went out last night, and I rue the fact that I decided to have that final pint of beer. I was just wondering what the rational is that keeps people going back for more. The reason I ponder this is because, having logged onto the internet on my return fom the pub, I feel the burning desire to vacate the contents of my stomach. So, I did this in the toilet. I woke up about five minutes later on the bathroom floor and needed to puke again. So, I did. Afterwards, I staggered back to my PC to see how I was getting on. I fell asleep on the couch. Five minutes later again, I woke up and needed to puke again - which surprised me because I didn't expect to have that my left to puke. Finally, I give up on being awake and staggered to bed, where I woke up butt naked this morning. My stomach has been churning all day and my throat is killing me from all the acidic puke that washed past it. What I'm wondering is, what is the rational that causes a person to do this to themselves? Why, damn you?! - Mzebonga
cuz it feels so FUN! besides... sometimes it's fun to hurt yourself because when you stop it feels sooooo good

If you're Dexter during the day, and a sock money at night, does that make you some kind of a where-monkey? How did you become that way? Where you born that way or where you bitten by another where-monkey? Or where you the sad result of some government experiment? -gone postal
i was bit on the ass by a frog with rabies as it had sex with a sock... unless that's just my cover story to hide the hideous truth involving a pillow and a sock... the truth is out there

what if your tail was to detach itself from you but you could still feel everything that happened to it (eg. if someone bit the tail you would feel it) and then demanded that you be it's sex slave and had to stroke whenever it wanted. would you become it's slave of pleasure cos you would feel it too?? -keglineq
well how about i find some lovely sock monkey to rub my tail for me and i'll get back to you

did you think you'd gotten rid of me?? mwhahahahaha..... -keglineq
to be honest i hadn't thought of you at all

I am still having problems with wind. Do you think it could have anything to do with the amount of potatos and onions I am eating? Also, I realise that my farts are smelling more of onion than ever but I'm not sure that it's relevant to the number of onions I'm eating. I say this because I have a pet dog and the dog's farts smell of Cauliflower Cheese. I don't feed the dog Cauliflower Cheese, so, do you think that the smell of our farts has anything to do with what we eat? - Fergus O'dimbal
i think that the smell of our farts is directly related to what we eat... and you should conduct more tests involving less onions...

Will I get my weight in potatos for Christmas? I hope so, I like potatos. I'm going to put on weight to make sure I get more. - Fergus O'dimbal.
well i can't say for sure... but .... MAYBE! eat up!

I was babysitting today. Two little kids, Michael and Jonathan. I thought "Why don't I be nice and get them a present?" So I went down to Kaybee Toystore and bought them a sock monkey. His name was Horro. I brought it to the kids and they tore him into little tiny pieces. Ripped off his little tail, his big red lips, his socky arms, and all! I just broke down and took Horro's remains and put them in an urn. Can I send them to you? Since you can proabaly give him a proper burrial.
kids are horrible little creatures so i suggest you do the same to them... and yes send me poor Horro

why do people say money talks when it quite obviously doesn't, i have only ever heard it hum. now walls, theyre a different matter, why do people say that its like talkin to a wall when i have found them to be excellent conversationalists (esp the one at the north of my house who is also a fan of 2nd hand chewing gum collecting)-the on hoo cnt spel
most people don't take the time to get to know the walls... instead they are dazzled by the money because of all the hidden things on it... the walls are indeed good conversationalists and more people should spend more time with theirs

My question pertains to the orbital velocity of the sock monkey's apple fairy. I have studied some sock monkey's and have found that they each have an apple-like fairy circling their necks at a varied speed. It puzzles me whether the sock monkey's themselves can see these fairies or is it only non-sock monkey-like individuals. Humans of course are not worthy of the apple-fairy...i know that much. Being a tygrfly, i can study such phonomenon without the idiotic intrusions of a human mind. Please inform me if you are aware of this apple fairy, he/she smell pretty, but can start to reek if the monkey becomes angry or excited. Thank u--Tygrfly679047
i have been aware of them but not all sock monkeys can see them as not all have shiny button eyes like i do... and i haven't smelt any foul odor from it but i'll let you know if i ever do

Would it matter whether or not i marinated teh flea droppings before using them in the fly-trap poison. I dont know how much experience sock monkey's have with fly traps but i figured id ask anyway.
absolutely you should marinate them... i have been to many places that have served flea droppings and have found that those that have been marinated are way more tasty then those that haven't

This guy came in asked for some of our hair from the floor ,why? Lets ponder that!! Sally- I think it's really strange to ask for other peoples hair thats been on the floor myself I don't know what you think though.
i think he puts it in a bag until it's full and then fucks it because he has a hair fetish... or he's going to sprinkle it around the scene of a crime he plans on committing to frame someone

my parents got me a printer for christmas. along with 2,000 sheets of paper. so far i've printed... 5 sheets of paper worth. do you want some paper?
you bet i do... in fact i'd like you to print out the whole of so we have a hard copy

why does it seem that so many people are snobs? everyone seems to have this holier than thou attitude, and it's starting to annoy the hell out of me. i used to live in dallas, but i moved to a small town three hours away in the country. i work at a fast food restaurant. anyway, these preppy girls drive up to order, and they say "hi seth, i'd like a shake." i didn't remember meeting these girls before, but i asked them how they knew my name. "we used to go to high school with you in dallas- hurry up and make our shake, will you?" she said with an irritated look. i said "yeah, i'll make it," a bit put off, of course.. i tried talking to them a bit more, but they acted like they despised me. then i remembered who one of them was. she was a girl i used to be friends with. after i moved, we wrote each other for a while, and suddenly she stopped writing back. i hadn't seen her in 4 years. she used to be a sweet pothead chick, now she's a sorority snob. i tried to talk to her, but she just drove off after she got her shake. i haven't seen this girl, my old "friend" in 4 fucking years, and suddenly meet her in a town in the middle of nowhere, and she just blows me off. she acted like i was an asshole. i didn't do shit to her. it's not just this one occasion that's made me feel this way. everyone seems to feel that they're better than everyone else, because they're wearing more expensive clothes, or are good looking or have more money... i hate it. i'm sick of this shit. why are people so cold? i don't understand how people can act this way without feeling guilty. sorry about the length of this question. -seth
people suck ass and especially people to turn out to be assholes... i have known many people that i have met after highschool and they have turned out to be the biggest assholes ever... then again i hated everyone throughout highschool and hate them now... i only speak to those who aren't stupid such as the person you described...

"dammit... janet...." why is this so? why is it not "bugger.... shugger..." or even "shit... kit..."? yours, "what-is-he-going-on-about-now" - Fido Dido
good question

what does "lol" actually stand for? is it "laughing out loud", "Lots of laughter", or some kind of top-secret government department, whose job it is to infiltrate the internet, and bring in the most insane persons/sock-monkeys? or does it not mean anything, and is just a way to keep track of those so-called "happy" people, whose job it is to undepress the depressed, and annoy those who have just woken up? yours he-must-be-on-drugs, - Fido Dido
i'm choosing option 3

why is it that trees are so tree like? - Fido Dido
i blame it on the branches, and in many cases, the trunk as well

one time i was walking and then there were some blind people, they infected the cows with their blindness, oh yeah and then there were the 4 bridges, anyway back to the muffins, the were purple too, hello little space penguin, get off my shoulder! aaaahh! do you have a problem with your laminator?
my laminator works well but we ran out of tape for the label maker

on the drinking game, you say you have a list of rules you've used before. where are they? - Fido Dido
that was to be linked to a page where all the rules we had used were... but for some reason no one could remember what those rules were cuz no one was sober while playing... then one of us forgot to take out that line on the page... we have done so now though... you always seem to be the one to see these things... so you get a head for taking the time to actually read most of our site... and for those who demand they get heads for reading this site just have to show they have done so as well or shut up

Is conditioner really necessary? Newman
no it's not... it is a way to make you wash your hair twice and spend your hard earned money... why wouldn't they just make shampoo better and complete? the hair care companies are bastards... bastards!

why do people say how are you, i really think they dont care? - dane
well talk about they don't damnit but they force it upon me... each day i answer the phone and each time someone says "Hi how are you?" and in order to get the whole thing over with quickly i need to reply "Fine and yourself?" and pretend that i give a flying fuck when of course i never do... so i have decided to fight the sytem (sometimes not all or i'd be fired) and confuse them by saying "I'm alive and I guess that's ok for now." or "I could have woken up dead but didn't. How about you?"

If a swans wing can break someones leg, why don't they do it? Witto
can it? then damn! yea... what the hell, they should be taking out legs all over... but then stupid humans would shoot them... they need to increase their numbers... and then when everyone least suspects it...

to some people the glass is half empty, and to some it's half full. but to me, it's a ceramic mug and i don't know it it's half empty or half full because i'm tied to the chair at the other end of the room from the mug and can't see into or through it. i also don't know the contents, whether it's water, tea, coffee or piss. besides that, i'm blindfolded so i don't know if it is day or night, or the middle of a lazy Sunday afternoon. I'm not sure if there's a carpet because my feet are bound as well. There's a smell coming from behind me which could be strong cheese or drying catshit. can you please fill me in on the details i'm missing?
well... it sounds like a problem with colors... what is the color of each item in the room? once you've established that then you will discover the whole 'mug' issue and see what you see...

why do the stupidest muther fuckers drive? why cant the assholes just stay inside before they cause me or other people to walk into burgerking and start opening fire on everyone? i say you never really learn how to cuss untill you learn to drive but im thinking more than cussing. fuckers... -The X
so true... these people should be sterlized

What's your fucking problem, you glorified cumrag? Why the fuck do you have a website which preeches only to the converted? Surely you should run a website trying to make sane people insane and bring them into line? Doesn't that make sense? Doesn't that seem like a much better idea? Are you tired of everyone having better ideas than you? Why don't you do something about it? Suicide would be a good idea, wouldn't it? Why not get a gun, kill loads of people, then shoot yourself in the head? In the end it all comes down to sex doesn't it, so you could shoot yourself in the tail and that would solve a lot of your problems. But would that make you go and kill people instead of sitting in your room masturbating? Fuck knows. The point is, there are better things I could be doing with what constitutes my life and I seem to be irrevocably attached to this website and I seem to keep coming back here even though, after a while, it all seems very familiar. Not that I'm ungrateful, I like it here and I'm glad you let me keep coming back. But why the fuck am I seeking the attention of a shitty little Sock Monkey who hardly knows, who I am and only uses me for sex? Since I left you and have been a free man, I've done things I never dreamt I would - I even got to use the whip the other day - but, still, I keep coming back here. So why am I doing this? Why can't I just leave you alone? You're pretty unappreciative in the long run and there's next to nothing I can do about it. So, it comes down to one point. That one point encompassing the whole of what has gone before. I think I know what it is that brings me back here time after time... I think I love you, will you marry me? - Mzebonga
i love you too... but am i saying it because i feel that way or simply to say it to shut you up? ... just take the good question award and hold it close... it will tell you many things... important things...

God damn I hate those fucking bigotted shits of guys who think of girls as something that they can use to their own advantage, and get rid of once they get boring!!!! I sit on the bus and hear guys behind me planning to make a girl go out with one of their friends, and I wanted to turn around and say, "God you guys are fucking sad!!! Don't you understand that someone has a right to their own decisions, and that you should respect that?!" These supposed "guys" are really just a bunch of spineless shits who are too stupid and bigotted to ever get noticed by someone who is actually worth noticing, so they just play their petty games, ruining the lives of so many people!!! I fucking hate them!!! What do you think about these stupid fucking dregs of humanity? - Fish
i think they should be sterlized... and shot... in that order... people who play head games suck

i started writing a cool melody and then realized that it was a line from Beauty and the Beast.. what the heck is up with that? - Guitarded
you sure are guitarded... there is no excuse for that sorta shit... you are BANNED from music

Today at school we hung a wheelie bin . . . we tied a noose to an overhanging branch and killed the bastard. Now the other wheelie bins are following me around . . . are they planning revenge? - Fish
yes they are... you have no hope of escape

what would happen to me if i didn't have my insane domain to rely on..? - SiNiSTaR
well at first you'd feel ok, maybe even a bit liberated... but then the twitching would begin... your muscles will eventualy seize up while you're seeing sock monkeys dance around you chanting 'things that suck' out at you in a howler-monkey sorta yell... your ears would begin to bleed and your hair would all fall out... yes... even down there... your left leg will snap off due to the muscle tension and your teeth will shatter, choking you... and before you die you'll try to imagine my smiling sock monkey face smiling at you but you'll be too weak and just die alone... alone and sane like the rest of the mindless idiots out there...

i think the trunk warmer came first, because, otherwise, the elephant would get a cold trunk, and so it wouldnt bother existing, until such time that it would have a warm trunk. once early man knitted a primative trunk warmer, elephants started to come about, with these trunk warmers warming their trunks. gradually, elephants evolved their own built-in trunk warmers, and there was no need for man to make trunk warmers for the elephants. modern trunk warmers are just for show, really. BUT.... how would early man know to make trunk warmers, if there was nothing with a trunk? this is the question often used to refute my previous arguments. however, i have come up with a solution to this - the Cats. the Cats, being almighty such as they are, wanted elephants to work for them, thus, taking on the form of gods (this isnt hard for them, as they already are), they commanded man to make trunk warmers, in order to make the elephants, to serve the Cats. what do you think of my theory? - Fido Dido
i think it is a sound theory and the cats have applauded you for your efforts

Has it gotten to the point when you expect me to ask questions? Like, you receive them from me and go, "Oh, here's a question from surprise there".... McDiablo
haha no it hasn't gotten to that point yet... i do wonder what happened to people when they disappear for awhile though... with others i'm pleased when they get a clue and go away

my orthodontist looked at my x-ray and told me i have the biggest sinuses he's ever seen. do you think that this was a pick up line and he wants to father my bastard children or am i just a freak with huge ass sinuses?-marissa
i say that he was trying to hit on you and instead of poking around in your mouth with the metal pick he was dreaming that the pick was actually his dick... so i say keep your mouth shut and never see him again

Why? Why do you decieve us so? Why the cryptic "I could be lying"? Why do you torment us so? Why do you give us hell when all we want is answers? Why? Why DC? Why are you being a bastard? Why don't you just answer the fucking question? - Mzebonga (PS: That really is one question, I mean, I didn't want to spam you shitless, I just wanted to be melodramatic. Is that okay? Oops, shit another question! Stinky Monkey Butt for me.)
you did a great job at being melodramatic... or am i just lying to taunt you again?

The cross (where jesus christ was supposedly nailed on) is a torture device used in those days to panfully execute criminals. Right? So isn't praying to the cross kinda like praying to the electric chair or something? - SiNiSTaR
i pray to the electric chair... don't you? but yes.. now that you mention it....

I've decided that it's time for another one of those long rambling questions that appear to go nowhere and have some sort of mild punchline at the end but really only every deserve you wrath. I say this because I've noticed since you've harshened your rules concerning long rambling and numerous qustions, there have been a sharp downturn in the quantity of shitty questions that amuse and I think it's to the detriment of this feature. Sure, there's still and abundance of shitty questions, but on the most part they appear to be little more than just that, shitty. See, most of the comedy of this section is contained within the question and occasionally within the answer. Not to do a disservice to your answers because, if they were truly turd, none of us would come back. But it's the sad case like, for example, Fido Dido, who comes up with some passingly vulgar and ridiculous comment which you promptly dismiss and suggest some equally ridiculous alternative so the comedy is more laughing at the pitiful question rather than laughing at the absurdity of the answer. Where was I? Oh, yeah... Rambling questions... So, i figured that it was time to resurrect rambling questions to the good of TheInsaneDomain and it's consumers. Because, I read the whole "Dude Where's My Car/September 11th" scenario question last year and, while it was rambling, stupid and absurd, I can't help feeling somewhat rewarded by getting to the end of it alive. And, frankly, the name of the film "Dude Where's My Car" is, in itself a source of very exquisite comedy. So, what I'm saying, at some point in this long rambling bullshit is that, because of "Dude Where's My Car" the long rambling question should not be resurrected and anyone trying to ask a long rambling question should be hung, drawn and quartered like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Wouldn't you agree? - Mzebonga
thank you for the rambling question... since you acutally put thought into it i welcomed it greatly... and let's face it, i haven't seen braveheart and it doesn't sound like i missed much...

I went to a little bakery that day and at the counter was a basket labelled "Baby Muffins" so i wanted some muffins with baby in them and i bought it but only AFTER i bought it did i realise and i asked the girl behind the counter, "do these have baby in them or are they called that because of their size?" but she just stared at me with my change still in her hand so i grabbed it and ran out quickly. Anyway, what do you think about those muffins. I haven't eaten them yet because i want to be sure there's baby in them or i wont eat em. - SiNiSTaR
i say you eat them and see if there are babies... if not then i say take a half eaten one and make them eat it and verify that the muffins are mislabeled... then demand free muffins

What do you think of someone who is permanately stoned? McDiablo
i think 'why do i care about this? oh yea, i don't'... i'm way more concerned with that guy in the purple hat that sometimes has a bike but other times doesn't and it's the same bike but he has no home so where is this bike unless he's faking the whole thing and just doing this shit to confuse me

My cat is truly curious about this electrical train we have around our X-mas tree. How long before she gets electrocuted? McDiablo
how long before you sick freaks unplug the thing and stop putting electrified toys out for your cat?! (actually there probably isn't enough current there to harm your cat and the wires are most likely covered in plastic anyways to prevent that very sort of thing from happening...)

how do you dye ur hair with koolaid????whut stuff do you need???
you need scissors, soap, glue, 2 black perminant markers, a bag of hair and 4 packs of koolaid (or a non-name brand alternative)... follow these instructions: 1. go into the bathroom and lock the door 2. wash your hands with the soap 3. cut off all your hair with your scissors 4. put the hair into the sink (make sure the plug is in) 5.fill sink halfway with hot water from the tap 6. open the kooaid or non-name brand alternative and dumb it into the sink 6. there already is a step six 7. take the lids off the markers and stir the hair in the water until water is colored 8. wait 12 hours 9. gather up hair from in the sink 10. glue to head

Exactly how much would you enjoy a scrumdiddlyumpcious bar? Please describe in extreme detail. -Nikon
well first of all i would go with it into a closet so no one sees me having this bar and wants me to 'share'... then (with the closet light turned on so i can see what the hell i'm doing) i would lick the outside wrapper slowly... once it's all wet... i'd slowly unwrap the bar, exposing the rich chocolate inside... since this bar appears to be in 3 pieces ... i would take one out and proceed to lick it until it was all gone... while doing this i would be containing my moans of pleasure so i'm not discovered and forced to share... after the first bit... i would lick my now chocolately fingers and perhaps touch my tail a bit... i would rub the second piece on my face, feeling the texture of the chocolate against my warm face... then i would break that piece into more pieces and eat them slowly... sucking them until they are no more... the final piece would be buried in the backyard, in hopes of producing a scrumdiddlyumpcious tree... thats about as much detail as you're going to get

Yeah, I thought I'd ask something else... cause you didn't answer yet and the probability of you answering these questions is increasing rapidly. Only... I have no idea what to ask. So I'm thinking, don't rush me! I feel sick, a bit dizzy and cold and warm at the same time. That sould help me come up with a question... Damn! It doesn't help. Ok, yeah. A question about photosynthesis. Or maybe not. Why the @^#)@(&# is photosynthesis so interesting that ppl would ask so many questions about it and you would have to say you're not answering any more question about it??? I don't get it? And what could someone rant about the sterilized needles before the lethal injection and... Do ppl seek your acceptance? Do they desperately need the good question award to be able to live their miserable lives? By the way, the back of my head hurts now. Gimme a few names of actors who don't suck horribly (you'll probably post a link to some page on this site - don't! Those are probably the ones you like. What abou the ones you don't mind seeing?). Ok, I'll end my pathetic question stream now. - Omuletzu
i'm not sure what the deal was with people constantly asking about photosynthesis... but i guess it shows that there are a fair amount of you who are actually smart enough to be interested in science and be insane enough to come here... and the good question award brings light to their lives... you have to admit you probably got a bit giddy seeing one up there by this question... you can stop giggling now... and actors who don't suck horribly (movies that i've seen them in so far that is) and i'm going to go with both male and females called 'actors'... robin williams, henry rollins, jennifer connelly, and whoever played the mom in requiem for a dream

I asked a question a few months ago. And it never appeared. Is it because I'm a white powder that has yet to blossom into manhood? Anthrax.Boy
it could be... that or it was a silly question or one i didn't feel like answering... you're not the boss of me!

Do you ever look at these questions and say to yourself, "If they didn't come to me to answer their pathetic questions they'd just wind up in on anti-psychotic drugs and I'd never get to see this side of weird. Still, I don't understand why they won't stop bringing up photosythesis. Were some of these people plants in their past lives and need to know if they're a full sun or part shade kind of former plant?"
yes i do ... in fact i have sketches... models and graphs to show how much thought i've put into this... i'm planning on touring with this to schools around the globe...

How about this: you and I collaborate and make a new edition of the Sims for people to torture, only in addition to the generic Sims, we include an assortment of existing people that consumers really want to see die; i.e. britney, carrot top, etc. You in? FartMonkey
that would be a project i would certainly be interested in... when is the first meeting?

since this box is for pathetic questions("send your pathetic question") and i've never really won a good question award on ask dc is there some box somewhere for "send your great question"??--Syko Morgana
that should really mess you up for awhile...

e-llo DC it is i db.i have once again decided to grace your "unique" site with my presence, name, and trademark. its been awhile hasnt it? beside the point. upon returning to this site i am sadden to find that most questions asked to you lack the finness from back in the days of yore. most questions, i belive, lack the intellect, creativeness, and/or well rounded damb good humor to entertain me, much less you. and when i fail to be amused people suffer,as much is the case with you i belive. so i must implore, why countinue with your task, answering the foolish questions poeple ask? why not cease now, now and for evermore? dreadfuly your fellow demon, --demonboy "_"
welcome back... i had indeed wondered where you had run off to... yes the questions get shorter and more frequent... i guess i keep going because i know there are good quesitons out there... somewhere... somewhere? i've given you one... that counts... even if it is more of a 'welcome back' then a good question... but it counts

perhaps you can assist me in reaching the answer that i seek. whats up with my constant obssesion with touching my bear nipples in public? its not that i dont enjoy it, in fact its quite soothing. but this subconcious habit of mine has cost me my glorious job at the local chuck e. chesse, (i shall forever remember the horrified grease ladden faces of the little children for they shall forever remember me and my nipples) the respect of my family and peers, and my membership to blockbuster. ive also been the subject of several interventions. so i ask you once again if you have any insight as to why i countinue to fondle myself and am i wrong for doing so?-- db"_"
well it seems that you derive great pleasure from doing that... i say you invent a machine that you can strap to your nipples and have them rub your nipples under your shirt... that way your hands are free to function normally... and no one is wise to the fact that your nipples are being aroused... find a desk job where you can just sit and enjoy your new machine while typing...

back to insane questions with DC

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