Killer Deer From Hell.
By JCP

It is time that the common myth about deer be dispelled. Deer are portrayed as cuddly, adorable creatures who are soft tempered and friendly. Bambi is an excellent example of this myth. But a myth is all it is. Deer are actually viscous killing machines who love the taste and sight of blood. They are cold and calculating creatures with a desire to hunt and kill that out does the lion. But they don't hunt other animals, they hunt humans. 
That's right, the deer are plotting to kill humans.

     The deer follow a simple plan in order to lure their victims into the ring of death. A small deer will stand quietly and cutely near where a camping family is. Someone sees the deer and points it out to the others. They try to walk near it, it slowly moves away. Some people grow tired of the deer walking away and head back for the camp. But there is always someone who keeps going. The deer gets the victim alone and is suddenly not so damn cute. Before the person can let out a scream, the deer has planted it's antlers into the victims windpipe. Blood drips from the deer antlers and it shakes the victim off its antlers. The horribleness doesn't end there.

 The deer then stomps in the head of the victim until the brains are out in the open. The deer eats them and licks all the blood and goo from the skull of the victim. The deer then stabs the body again with the antlers and licks what blood seeps out. The deer then calls for the other deer to come and join in. Other deer arrive and lick the blood off of the first deer antlers. It is a feeding frenzy as the deer devour the body.

Once all the flesh has been eaten off of the victim, the deer dig out a hole with their hooves and shove the body in it. They stomp on the ground until all evidence of a burial is hidden and then have a decision to make. If the deer are still hungry then they go to the camp and do the same to all the others. If they aren't hungry, they vacate the area.

On occasion, a human might have a gun and be able to fight off the deer, and the attack is blamed on rabies. Deer know this and try to foam at the mouth before attacking. In the case of hunters, the deer use a quick agile deer to distract the hunters and other deer attack from behind, driving their antlers through the hunters spines. The deer, however, do not stomp in the brains of the hunters. They devour the rest of the body but leave the head intact.

Once finished devouring the hunter's body, the deer will take the head of the hunter and put it on their antlers. The deer bury the guns and body, then parade the head around the forest, later burning it and then pissing on where it's buried. In cases where there are hunter's lodges, the deer will burst in, kill, and then take the hunters heads and mount them on the antlers of the stuffed deer on the wall. Later, once all the deer have come to take a look at the heads, the hunter heads are buried the same as always, and the deer heads are taken down and buried nicely, and without being pissed on.

In deer urban society, adolescent deer must prove themselves through a rite of passage. Both male and female deer go through this. This teen deer must be willing to sacrifice itself for the good of the other deer. The deer must prove this by either standing on the road or running out in front of a carload of people late at night on a deserted road. If the deer stands its ground and is hit, or sustains an injury, the deer proves itself to the rest of the deer. In some cases the deer does die, but does so with honor. However, in most cases the car swerves to avoid the deer and spins off into the trees, smashes into the trees and is bound to injure the victims inside. The other deer watching emerge from hiding and kick in the windows, then drag the stunned victims into the forest and devour them. The teen deer who survived is now an adult deer and is given the honor of smashing in the head and eating the brains of all the victims.

Deer used to be more docile, but due to hunting, they now all believe that humans are horrible scum sucking bottom dwellers and deserve to die. The deer realize that one day we might catch on and kill them all, but for now the deer are getting their revenge. They know the humans will repopulate and still hunt them down, so they continue killing.

The next time you are near a deer, look in their eyes and notice the bloodthirsty hatred. Never leave yourself or any other person with a deer. The deer in petting zoos are basically decoys, they fool humans into believing that all deer are cute and friendly, but now you know the truth. Stay away from deer. They are killer deer from hell.

Wondering why this article has really crappy graphics? It's been around since 1998! 

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