Results for May 2009
Awards given out by JCP


Are you any good at keeping plants alive?
If so, can you come to my house and take care of mine - they're all dying a slow, painful death.



Good Answer AwardOkay, this may sound crazy... but it just might work. It's called, now get this, W-A-T-E-R- jefe

let them die. I don't care much for plants. They all should be kept in the refrigerator,chilled until time for eating with the meat.- naked mole man

Living plants? What? No, no really this reminds me of a story that happens to be about me and flies. So okay I used to live in this place where there were flies, and I got some Venus Fly Traps because yeah it was really hot there too, and flies-y. And the fly traps ate the flies but the flies had swine flu, cos they were mexican venus fly traps, and the fly traps died. And then I woke up and realised my dog had peed all over my plants in my room without flies and had killed them, the asshole. - flying buckskin horses

If you don't shut the fuck up about these worthless shreds of spinach, YOU TOO, will be dying a slow and painful death.- God

Good Answer AwardPlants, now that's an interesting term to use for greenery that, although is lovely to look at, causes massive sinus infections. Plant... it sounds like such an innocuous thing until it sneak attacks you wtih pollen in the night. But back to the question. I don't advise keeping them alive, it's only part of their master plan.- oxie~tales

Leave them to die. Ever heard of life after death? They'll all be going to a better place.(better end teir lives faster.I suggest concentrated poison.)- red,blue,white

Good Answer AwardThere are days when I struggle to keep myself alive, I don't need the added pressure of trying to keep plants alive. That's what rainforests are for: all the plants should go and live there.- Mzebonga

Good Answer AwardYes, I make sure the plants stay alive so they can feel the pain of my torture. I like to rip parts of their leafs off and spray weedkiller into their cuts. Its my way of making them talk, I think theyre up to something. Some people think I'm insane, I just need one plant to give in and talk, then we'll see who the crazy one is!- Fredward

I only have two plants. 1) my beloved Mary Jane 2) dead squirrels. so far M.J. is doing quite well. It's purple crystaly gloriousness. But the only things that is growing out the the squirrels is mushrooms and the occasional re-occurance of the body parts after a hard rain. But after I've mastered them I'm sure I could come help you with your squirrel plants. And since you're so wonderful at killing things slowly you should be mastering the art of squirrel gardening rapidly. Then we can make squirrelcakes! yummm - cash4stogie

I am NOT, but I have kept two children alive for a number of years, so if you're really in a pinch, give me a call.- PRChick

I'm really good at smoking plants. I would also love to take care of yours. Hopefully you got that fire chronic.- iamzbob

no.plants are evil afterall, didn't you know that they devour creatures? poor ant,it had so much longer to live. Let them die.they deserve it.lousy photosynthesizing self sufficient things! - lollypop ,lick lick

No I'm hopeless- Sally

I like plants, but I once killed a cactus...- Bhreagh

Good Answer AwardYou're approaching this completely the wrong way. It's not about us at all. You can water a plant, weed it, fertilise it all day long, but really it will only grow if it wants to. If you're having problems with your plants I'd suggest wooing them a little. Spend an evening with them watching the sun set, share a bottle of wine, present them with a jar of their toe-nail clippings each lovingly painted in their likeness. I'm sure they'll come round if you put the effort in. - nelsonsentme

I buy fake flowers from IKEA, but even those die. Geez, I suck at life.- McDiablo

Well sort of, all my plants seem to turn into zombies. It's like them being alive, but with the added fun that they attack all your friends and family and feast on your brains while you sleep. - Archbishop Shaggy

Good Answer AwardThe thing is that I am quite good at taking care of plants. When I remember to. I work I had the title of "Official Plant Person" and I was in charge of watering and maintaining all our plants in the store. The title was taken away when I forgot that the plants were my responsibility and a few weeks later half the plants ended up drying out and frying and the other half attracted little gnats that invested the store and everything in it. But when I remember, I'm really awesome at, you know, watering and stuff. Actually now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I'm not so awesome at it. I don't think you want me over at your house to care for your plants. I'd probably just end up going through your CDs and smelling your socks anyways.- narcoticsunshine


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