Results for January 2008
Awards given out by JCP

It's damn cold outside and at least four feet of snow on the ground.
You're told to start shoveling - how do you get out of it without using violence or whining?

Do what every good american does. Buy a big ass SUV and drive over the stuff. Who needs to shovel it?- bury me in my own filth

I would put on my ten layers of clothing and, just as I pull the toque over my head, I'll yell, "I have to go pee!" That's right, I'll take a cue from that kid in my most beloved Robert Munsch book, 'I Have To Go.' The dressing/undressing/(peeing) will take up so much time that it will be dark and far too dangerous to go outside due to the extreme cold. HA! - McDiablo

Good Answer AwardWithout violence? What kind of person are you taking away every American's favorite past time, (and back up plan). I suppose than I need to do some reverse psychology on them by making them seem that it's incredibly amazing to shovel snow and have them do it for me. Either that or I go Fantasia on their asses and make an army of snowpeople animated to life by magic to shovel it for me. - Arisu

In true Chris Farley fashion I'd hurl myself down the stairs and claim I suffered a concussion and a pinched nerve in my back.- Poptart

full blown heart attack- calamity

Good Answer AwardWho told me I have to shovel the snow? Was it my mommy? If it was my mommy, I would make a sad face and then slowly, very very slowly, get ready to go shovel snow. By the time I've got one boot one, she'll have become fed up with waiting and shoveled it herself. If my dad asked me, I'd hurry my ass up and shovel it before he got out the cat o' nine tails. No Daddy, no!! I swear, I'll be a good girl!! I'm shoveling, look I swear!!- narcoticsunshine

Good Answer AwardI don't. Let's face it, manual labour is about all I'm good for these days.- Mzebonga

Good Answer AwardI steal a couple months of supplies and dig a hole in the deep snow and create a complex series of snow caverns as my underground snow fortress (Yes, the snow is VERY deep.) and I will plot and scheme until it starts to melt and I'm forced out. And then, of course I'd have been foiled considering that my diabolical death ray was made out of ice. But next year..- Streak9

Good Answer Awardgo out side armed with a can of gasoline and a few matches. squirt gas on the snow and begin to light a match. by this point in time who ever told me to start shoveling would be in complete and utter fear and try and stop me. After that little display of carzyness, i doubt they will want me to be left alone out doors. if i am not stopped id just light the match and watch as the snow melted.- bobthemouse09

Piss on it.- JQ

I'd simply say, "The snow says it hurts the snow when you shovel it. It's against my religion to inflick pain on any living organism. Like, water." If anything they'd think I'm crazy and I'd be able to walk out of sight before they could tell me otherwise. PLus, I really don't know because I've never seen snow. :P- TheBubble

Good Answer AwardI would go along with their evil scheme of trying to control me and get all bundled up. When I could very well pass as a either Eskimo or Rosie O’Donnell I would venture outside. But all that roundness of my body would not be goose down but all the food in the cabinets, the 32º below sleeping bag, the TV remote and the compact heater. When I was outside would run an electrical cord for my heater, burrow into the snow and zip myself into my sleeping bag and then eat the food that I had stolen. I always wanted to be a polar bear! And not only did I get out of shoveling without any violence or whining, but I got my wish of sleeping and eating the whole winter! Also I would have the TV remote so the evil scheming suckers would get so bored that they would have to shovel the snow themselves because god forbid they get up off their ass and change the TV channel.- If I only had a navel....

I over power my assailant and use their body as a toboggan, using it to escape down the hill to Switzerland like the family Von Trapp.- Mzebonga

 

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