: January 2005

An alien race comes to earth, abducts you off the street and takes you into their ship. They strap you down and demand you explain the meaning of the messages earth has been sending to their planet. They show you these messages, which are infomercials. (Somehow those are the only TV signals that made it to their planet, but that's not the point here.) How do you break free and take control of the ship so you can find and destroy those who made the infomercials?

I would tell them that I was Earth's new secret weapon and I was actually a walking nuclear warhead. They'd do anything I tell them that way. Then I'd destroy Earth and say that infact I was a mecenary from another planet set down to Earth to destroy Earth once abducted by an aliem race - them. They would then worship me as a God back on their home planet and I'd have sex with all their alien children to create my own little race of supreme beings. - Mort

I seduce those sexy bitches with my London charm, and persaude them that the infomercials are to be blamed on the bovine inhabitants of the United States of America, then lure them into my control with a Delia Smith recipe for organic beef stake with roasted vegetables in a red wine gravy.- aliciaecm

I tell them that the people that made the messages are planning to destroy them and that the only way to kill them is to let me free. Once they free me I'll tell them exactly how to destroy the evil people that created infomercials. Once I help them do that they will have to make me their leader! - InsaneEvilBarbieMelter

Convince them that if they don't take advantage of this terrific deal, they could miss out forever. Then offer to show them other great deals that are available to them on the internet. No breaking free. They will be astounded when i include the second set of baking trays for free, yes FREE!!!! The infomercial people have no friends, thats why they seek our insomniatical attention. Give them love! Or 9.99$ - evapsychotic

I come up with an infomercial of my own explaining the benefits of releasing the human and letting him take over the ship. They'll be so taken in that they'll do so at once. Then I shall use their ship to destroy earth and find a new life on Mars. - Mzebonga

take a piss on the head of an alien and he will melt, so i escape the bed, but SHIT! i cant piss no more, so i run and everything turns dragonball Z / pokemon type u no... with a zooming background and i got yellow spikey hair now and smak the master in the face, brake all my fist and he says 'nobbend' so by this time im rly pissed and i cry, relise my tears are liquid and headbut him! and he dies! then i get off the shit and eat a bowl of cornflakes or 4 - Dark-Angel

I would begin chattering non-stop about the super blender you can purchase for 4 easy payments for $39.99 and the perfect present for that special someone just to confuse the aliens and make them think I was some sort of messenger and they would throw me out of their ship. I wouldn't want to destory those who made the infomercials, because the acting is so bad that it is funny. - hufflebunny

I have very strange theories about UFO's. Many insane but true things about UFO's and the Bible. I won't elaborate, for my theories will likely make even the insane think I am too crazy to be accepted. Atheists will never understand the workings of my brain, it is rather sad to say, but even fellow Christians have difficulties understanding me. I do believe that it's all from insanity. What else would drive a person to learn Hebrew? Yes I am now currently learning Hebrew. I have my reasons. Now, if I DIDN'T have these theories, I would say that it would be easiest to just slap the little green dudes and demand that they return me to Earth and those who created the infomercials. If it doesn't work then I'm sort of out of ideas, and the alien encounter will make a great book. - bluemonkeyfearer

i get naked. - b_write

you tell them you have to go to the bathroom and then because you are an alien to them you would be able to use your "weapons" against them - QM666

First off I'd begin to masturbate....only because that's what I do in any stressful situation. But I do think that my mind numbing hand speed would confuse and distract the aliens long enough to break free and commondere the ship. As for the infomercial bastards...on my return I'd make a point of having infomercials banned entirely. Once again using my HandSolo technique to distract and confuse my opponents. Hopefully I could accomplish this with the minimum of violence. Ah fuck it!!! You all must DIE !!!!!! - Poptart

I was never much for the dramatics, so while all of the maxium load of gaurds are protecting me then ... Um, I'd do a nice bold YAWN!, then sniff and crack my fingers, snort, begin drooling, start convouslsively humping the air as much as I'm able to move... then begin murmering goobilty garch... The gaurds would most definitly be confused and bewildered by this odd unorderly human.. who doesn't smile or has a creppy tan... or continualy takes back his word for something HE THinks will please you better, amazes you by the easiness and quick results... And HOw Cheap... But limited, even though they've ran it for a full 12 years and even the theme music has boy george. Then they'd realize what infomercials are isn't human... yes but actually other alien lifeforms trying to conquer the humans disguised as humans, giving warning signals that they are planning on taking over them..... And they Really did Like the cutter pro with a nice silver gold knob to go with FOR FREE!... As they discover this.. they'd probably allow this innocent human inable to control her bodies compulsions... I'll be thankful until I run around and grab an ice pick then ram it into there brains, all of them... excpet for the captian who'll I'd dangle it over... telling him to do loop-de loops until one of us throws up and then... go back to earth and order him to kill all those ever involved in infomercials ..with an ice-pick... LOOK life couldn't be without water so... they had to have a ice-pick and I've been meaning to getting around to inslaving a extra-terrestial.- *Puff* And The question Disappeared.

Fake my death. Steal a weapon and blast all but one of the suckers. The one left it a nerdy, little thing. Threaten it with five weapons at a time to make it take you home. As it leaves to tell on me to it's big boss, I blast the ship to smithereens!- Blah

I tell them calmly that I am a walking bomb, literally, and if they don't release me and take me back to Earth I am going to explode and destroy them and there ship. Once I am free I will use force to take control of the stupid ship and then crash it into Earth.- SmartestDumbBlondeYou'llEverMeet

the ab buster is the secret weapon we must seek and destroy- lynchacop

....infomercials? gah damn those things freaking annoy me!!!! i wish they would die...hm newayz i would break free by...hm i dunno. i would bust out my cell phone and call my homie g nizzle e.t. and tell him to get his brown ass to that ship or else!!! then when i did take control of the ship.... i would fly it down to earth and crash that sum b*tch into micheal jacksons house....FUN FUN FUN!!!!weeeeee that basterd needs to die...then i would come home and make some ramen noodles! yay! noodley noodley noodle- Sugar High Bunni123

Knowing that all the aliens know about us are in the infomercials, I decide to sell them a flashy new spaceship which is actually a rock but since they are aliens they would not know that and they would bow to my telepathetic ways and kamakaze their current ship into the infomercial studio because they have a brand new ship that is actually a rock thanks to me.- voggit

I would tell them I am a robot and will grant wishes to whoever makes me leader.- j0eg0d

well I'd look towards the massive space ship window and/or monitor and look for the big blue planet.. and I tell the aliens to look 'over there' and point in an anonymous direction, grab their light sabers (or whatever weapon they have) kill them or harm them fatally, break free and steal the ship and kill earth and then live as bounty for the alien race I just harmed some members off and of whatever remaining humans there may be.- SG*

Why destroy the infomericals when I could...join them?- weirdDAR

I take out the pocket knife that i got for christmas and stab the aliens, then stab the people who made the infomercials.- Horse

i remember when this same damn thing happened in 1978. the key is to tell them that you're an alien from some made up place and you were sent to investigate it becuase your planet received the same tv signals. after that just pee on them and tell them that contained in the secretion is the knowlegde you have gained about the tv signals while on earth. walk over to the control panel and trace the signals to blow up a few buildings broadcasting the infomercials.- SupraPhantom

i explain to them that the messages are encoded with brain altering transmissions that will cause them to crash their ship and they will all die, in hearing this i convince them that since i am human i am unaffected...from then on they allow me to command the ship....and it's just that easy- shwee

i would poke them all in the eye, kicj their balls and fly the spaceship back down to earth- neveryoumind

do a ninja kick that blows all them up and then crash the ship and since im a ninja i survive and the crash is in japan i jump from japan to the united states kill all of the people in the U.S. that are gay and infomercial people are gay the info people died, but since the aliens are dead it really doesnt matter - mrTaCo

seduce the alien guard..regaling him with storeis of human kinkyness ...when he complies have him unstrap you...then brutally rape him up the ass for abducting you...you can easily over power them because theyre all really skinny...kill most of them and rape a few up the ass to keep the rest in checktake the space ship and shoot the satellites down..or if you lack guns ram them down- silly bastard

"LET ME THE FLYING FUCK GO YOU CRAZY CRACK INFESTED SEA CHILDREN SO I CAN HELP YOUR WHINING ASSES OUT WITH THESE INFO-FUCKING-MERCIALS... nOT!!!! WHAT'D I LOOK LIKE, THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD???? GO FIND SOME HIPPO TO SIT ON YOUR MASHED POTATOES!!!!" Then I'd bitchslap them and they'd disappear into a glowing orb down my throat and I will barf because I'm drunk but not really only on the usual oxygen.- Crackmonkey

Well, first I would watch for a while, learn about the ab master, the bug zapper, those little pills that enlarge womens breasts and then tell the aliens that in order to explain I must create these items. Once I have made them all I unleash hell, zap zap zap! big tits for all! WASHBOARD ABS HERE I COME!...then wake up in a cold sweat, ready for vengence...mmm vodka.- Uncle Phil

I sweet talk 'em, baby. "Oh how sexy those tentacles are... let me touch them.. RAWR" then, just as the guard alien (who has been put in charge to look after me) starts sweating ginger ale (as that is what happens when this species of alien is aroused) I smack It one RIGHT in the snootwickle... and It's out cold. I unchain myself (mm kinky) and remove my anal plug and fart like I have never farted before! This smothers all the aliens onboard and I simply have to stroll into central command (which is, strangely enough, built like a big badass Earth-car). I drive that baby back home.. and while doing so I grind the bodies of the dead aliens into a fine paste, adding turmeric at regular intervals, which creates a vile and pungent acid. When I get back to Earth.. I chuck the acid at random strangers.... be they infomercial creators or not. - blackdove

I watch as they screen hour after hour of infomercial accusing my race of trying to brain wash other beings into coming to earth to buy flexfit gyms and nonsuch and thus ensdlaving them to our capitalist existence! i say no We hate them too! its not our race! it individuals in my race you want!!! let me go iand I will jhelp you destroy them! i swear i am on your side!. the aliens look at eachother for a few minutes and then say. we don't believe you!!! we will drop you back through your own atmosphere where you will burn up on reentry! NOOOO i say! and grab a pack of oreos from my pocket which is just in reach of my hand and fling the yummy cookies at them! aaaaaahkg Sugar noo the moan as the sugar dissolves them into a mess of goo, thankfully leaving their ray guns within reach. i grab a ray gun and zap my bindings into space dust, then i find the main control panel and start pushing buttons! I find out that i can't control the ship but i can make seven different kinds of space cocktails, and then i invite the crew down for a drink! i get them all wasted then sneak into the bridge and take control of the ship and its weapon systems, fly it down over hollywood and use the planar shift cannons to transport hollywood to the outer dimensions of zaklar where tv ppl are food!then I decide to shift the whole earth into the sun and go and live on a topical planet just west of kazzar 5 and serve space cocktails at the space wreck bar i made out of the remains of my crash landed ship and live forever on space beetles.- thathinguywhois

I'll offer them answers for five easy payment of $19.99, but if they untie me now I'll drop one payment. But that's not all! These answers can come in a shiny faux-leather case that slices through steel. Don't change that channel, because these answers could change your life! After clearing the credit accounts I'll let them untie me and annouce, "But wait! There's more!" Then I'll break out the cooking appliances and keep them distracted by tender, low fat burgers where the fat melts right off. While they're salvating over the samples I'll sneak out and follow the emergency exit signs to the escape pods, where I will release half of them. Of course, aliens smart enough to make interstellar travel possible will realize I left. Once they catch up with me I'll annouce that the first ten lucky callers are going to get to get off the ship alive, because the wallets turned out to be highly flammable and since they are rigth next to the fat trays everything is pretty much fucked. Hearing that and seeing the missing pods they'll freak and pile in, leaving me with control of the space ship and free to hunt down those bastards who made the infomercials in the first place.- Oopa

Through the power of reason "but wait there is more" ... tell them I will take them to my leaders, but that I am bad at directions...so it is best for them to let me drive... then fly back to earth... the govt will dispose of the aliens so I have no problem there- monkeybuttocks

I tell the aliens that the infomercials (or whatever the hell you American's call it!) are saying; 'Go down to Earth and worship me, Acidic Pandah, until I, or indeed, all of you die.' Hopefully they will obey... o_O - Acidic Pandah

if got a therory but its to long lets just say a a dancing polar bear sum saw dust and a paper mashaae stick- klumperous

Well, while I was on the street, I was about to cut this orvil redenbacher fool tryn' to sell me some seed-filled schwag. Since I was in a long-sleeved shirt, I carfeully hid the knife in my sleeve. The aliens all wore suits and helmets that had visors. After they show me the infromercials, they leave to get their torture devices which they mentioned were on the oposite side of the ship. I pull out the knife with my fingers, and cut the plastic like material that was holding me to the table. I jump off and run into the next room. What luck! There're many suits folded up and set into small insertions in the walls. I find one that fits me about right and notice there's a weapon attached to the belt. I leave the room and search for the controll room. Nervously I walk out the other door and down a long yellow and green hallway, trying to mimic the aliens posture and the way they walk. When I reach the end, there's a little tube. I saw an alien get in it, and it shot him up. The alein was dressed differently than the others. I also noticed he was unarmed. I went into the tube, and suddenly was shot up into a large crowded room. It was all green and there were buttons, swtches, lights, and such all on a big controll pannel at the end of the room infront of a huge window. Outside th window I see the earth. I walk up to one of the alien people and ask him," Hey, where are the life boats again ? I can't seem to find them." He just looks back up at me and replies," Well, sure. They're right over this way and uh..... Hey , why do you need to know where the life boats are ?" " Uhh, uhm, uh... I'VE GOT A GUN !!! SOME ONE TAKE ME TO A LIFE BOAT OR THIS GUY IS DEAD !!" I grab him by the arm and put his head to the barrel of my weapon. One alien wearing a similar suit as me reaches for his weapon, and I shoot his hand before it gets to it. "I'M NOT FUCKIN' AROUND! If all of you just..." I was inturupted by another alien entering the room and announcing, " One of the worm prisoners has escaped and we sus...." He was inturrupted by everyone screaming and pointing at me. I drop the alien and run to the door behind me. I followed the hall down in a hail of gunfire from the storm of aliens behind me. I turned a corner and jumpped into a door. Inside was what seemed to be the messhall. When I looked around, I spotted a map. I approached it an it had a big red dot that said "YOU ARE HERE". I looked around and saw a label that said "Escape Pods". It was the room right next to me. When I turned around I saw the aliens that had been chasing me enter the room I was in. I sat down at a table full of other aliens. Once they walked past me, I got up and headed for the door. I ran straight to a pod and escaped ! The pod landed somewhere in newmexico, and that's a whole 'nother story. -me

Well, I'd offer the aliens some catnip. I mean, if cats can't resist the lovely lovliness that is catnip, then I'm sure aliens can't. Then I'd somehow control the ship (I'm a fast self-learner) and use the radar to find the infomercial creeps. But, I'd probably have a dilemma with myself--how to kill them? How, oh how? Death by raygun? Too predictable. I could probably just poke them with strange looking scalpel-like things from the sick bay. Yes...just poke, poke, and poke until they go insane, choke, and die. - McDiablo

my 10,000$ bow flex has given me super streagth,easily, i break the ronco strap downs,take a double dose of enzyte,AND,viagra,speed to the producers of infomercials and destroy them by putting their heads between my knees and crush their skulls,useing the ancient art of thighmaster kung fu !then sit down and enjoy a nice steak ....luckyly i always carry a couple of steaks and my faithful freind "GEORGE FORMAN"..........grill.- rayyo77

Ummm i wont take control Ill just answer their retarded questions and i wont destroy the people who made the infomercials. Infomercials are wicked, with the retarded audience aggreeging to everything the advertiser is saying...........- Mathie

I'd ask them if they were interested in a new patented death ray i was about to sell on one of those infomercials, and tell them all about its ultra high-tech features such as the ability to destroy Earth in 3 seconds flat at the push of a button. Once i have them eating out of the palm of my hand, i'd sell it to them (little do they know it's an anti-alien death ray) and bid them adieu. - SiNiSTaR

I'd remove my trusty bayonet from its concealed location (in my japs eye)and in a berserk fit of violence annihalate the entire crew. Id then get pulled over for driving a spaceship without a valid intergalactic drivers license.- Superman Dave

aliens? are they sexy aliens? i'd better not think about sex. i'm on a diet right now, it's pretty good. i consist of molecules. today i watched the neverending story. it's still playing. i think every cherry is a liar because if you are round and red, you are kind of like pinocchio's nose, and he was a liar too. if the ship has big guns, like muscles, that would be sexy. i'd use those guns to sucker-punch infomercial makers when they are stumbling around bars. then i would point at them with my cancerous nose and laugh.- Jenoah

Depends on 3 factors: 1: do I get to to take my "bag of green goodies" with me? 2: Is there enough outgoing vents in my room to adequately vent the smoke to the rest of the ship? If these 2 items are answered yes then I guess I won't need to hurry for obvious reasons.- Harbingerofhell

sell them the amazing new diet patch!- monkey butt

After chewing through the restraints (which were made of bubble gum for some stupid reason) I took some time to locate my clothing. (Letís face it, running around with tits flopping around sounds and looks like fun only if you are not the one with the tits.) Luckily, I quickly find it and for the next three hours try to find the fucking door. I have no idea how I got in the room, and there is nothing to indicate where one was. Only after I screamed out in pure frustration did a door suddenly appear in the wall. I kicked over a bunch of shit before quickly leaving the room. (It made me feel better to hear things crashing.) I encountered a few aliens, but my trusty Krrallak made quick work of them. (For those that donít know, a Krrallak is basically a knockoff of the light saber.) So yea, aliens die, then theyíre dead. I take control and just blow up all the cities I can find that seem to be emitting infomercial signals. After thatís done, I gather up a few people that donít suck and say fuck you Earth, weíre outta here.- Ava Noir

Take out your favourite spoon, which looks remarkably like Alice Cooper's Nan, you brain the aliens with it and then turn into a herring, as a herring you discover all things you need to know to succeed in life, turn back into yourself (a downgrade in some cases" and drive the ship to the guy's house, park badly on his lawn and masterbate into his Rhubarb, if you have poison jizz then he will die, if you don't then life just isn't worth living.- Cineworld Jesus

I would explain that the meaning of the messages is that they must release me and search the internet etc for those that created those commercials. As soon as they release me I'll find the nearest thing that could be a weapon and then I would start attacking any aliens in my way until I had control of the ship, if they threaten me with weapons, I would respond with 'there's a hidden message in those messages...'- Fleoa

aggggggg i tell them im on my rag- danni

I am terrified, being interrogated by the strange, evil creatures who speak of insane things. "Infomercials?" Why would aliens even watch infomercials? I point a finger to the wall behind them and cry, "LOOK OUT FOR THAT GLOCKENSPIEL!!!" The idiots, they all turn around in panic, and I use a toothbrush to saw through the paper straps that held me to an autopsy table. Free at last! I am free! But I realize the aliens will figure out there is no glockenspiel and catch me, so I quickly pull a plate of waffles out of my pocket and throw it at one of them, hitting it on the head and knocking it unconscious. I repeat this for the other two (For there are only three aliens) and succeed in dominating the ship. I plug in my GameBoy Advance to the ship's main controls and use it to pilot it to a nearby TV Broadcast station. I push the A button to open the hatch. The ship is in mid-air, hovering next to one of the building's windows. The people inside look scared to death. I'm positive one of them wet their pants. I walk up to the window and spit on it, causing it to shatter. I then yell at the people, "Hey, take all those fucking infomercials off the air so I won't be abducted by evil space aliens again!" They all nod and do as I requested. Next week, I see an ad in the paper for toilet brushes. Perhaps this is a sign that all this happened for a reason... Maybe I will never know why the aliens chose me. But one thing is for certain: Every night I think about the events, I will have a nightmare, wake up, and run to the bathroom to vomit until I pass out. The End! ^_^- GalaxyDancer

I would light them on fire(don't ask where I got the blowtorch), force one of them to take me back to earth, and decide, oh what the heck, it's too much trouble to find those pesky infomercial people, I'll just destroy the whole planet. And then I would get back on the ship an, using superior alien technology, direct the earth to the sun and watch it BURN!- psychoticdragon

brutally raping the aliens with a george foreman "knock out the fat" grill.- roger

kill all the aliens except for one so it can drive tt spaceship back.- Kala

Distract the aliens with a winde-up toy, Use a knife to cut yourself free, Find some plugs and pulg in a TV game to the ship, and use that to control the ship. Fly to the infomercials peoples offices, take the knife and chop them in half.- Kev-Man (GalaxyDancer's dorky brother)

Use my telekintic powers to undo the straps and my mind control powers to make them believe I'm their boss.- Youdon'tseeme

tell them to shove...... they are so stupid they thought that i told them that i could give the 6000000000 channels wothout infomerials so they let me go and i shot all of them with a 9mil- chunky monkey

You wake up. It was all a dream. There are no such things as UFOs and aliens.- dewi

I'd just enjoy the view and suggest them to bomb all the green spots... that that was there homes and are gigantic tailless monsters... whom are a differnt species as myself.. I dwell in soil.. the brown under the green and they like to stomp all over us... so.. yes... I'm proclaiming world wide destruction except for canada so it isnt entirley apocolapse... just the true revolutionary status is being proclaimed... or and for amsterdam... and sweden.. some sweet tasty sour shoes over there you cant go without.- Steammy

I explain to the Aliens about the informercials and our culture. I then learn as much about the Aliens as possible before having them help me destroy the infomercial and returning me back to my life and wishing them well on there way.- Mavis

i make them watch the lucozade advert from the uk and point out how amazing the little dancing blobs are...they become mesmerised by these little globules and i can sneak away.- keli_weli(back again!)

I would explain to them that some humans (in particular those who made the infomercials) are evil creatures hell-bent on destroying all intelligent forms of life (aliens) with their mind-numbbing "messages". I would offer my services to assist the creatures in finding the source of the "messages", aid in destroying it, and then get everyone drunk afterward (my treat). I bet they'd like that and would be kind enough to unstrap me.- idon'tmindthesunsometimes

find there guns shoot them. fly the space ship bak home..... somehow-Andy

I'd be like, well if you want me to kill the people who made the infomercials than let me have the ship and I will.-Khaki

Convince them that anal probes are a sign of favor in our world, and if they really wanted to show someone that they care, they should drop you off down the street a bit... -Eva Dominatrix

Never! I have been saved from the shit hole called Earth at last, so I would offer my services to the aliens in return for their hospitality-December

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