: July 2004

Ralph and Karen have vowed to hunt you down with a fork,
how will you defend yourself?

Argh! Not Ralph and Karen!.. aren't they those real cheap and crappy horror antiheros/detectives? If they were to hunt me down with a fork, then they wouldn't exactly be doing their job properly 'protect and serve' and all that... If they some how find me inside my mind however, I would probably defend myself with a blunt knife. If they were to stab me in a downward motion, I would then raise my knifed hands and place it across my face so it would get caught in the forks teeth, ergo rendering the fork useless. - M. Mort

First of all, I will run into the woods and hide amongst the foliage. Once the search lights have passed and they have assumed that I have successfully fled, my work shall begin. With a selection of hand crafted instruments, I shall produce a fortress on inimitable size from mud, branches and faeces. Then i shall train the woodland creatures to be my armies and I shall send them forth to vanquish Ralph and Karen before we celebrate with some fine malt ale. Hurrah!- Mzebonga

I would defend myself with my Spork. Everyone Praise the Spork!- Hufflebunny

bigger fork...or dare i say spork?- qereqw

sorry, pal, i dont do "self defense." nope. i hide. i'll disguise myself as 72 year old drag queen man who has retired and now lives as a hermit in a bush with his gay lover, randal. but randal will acually by an straight dude aprroximatly my age, and ill be a female , so everything will be good. if a monk knocks on my door and tells me that ralph and karen have figured out my location and identity and whatnot, ill build a huge fortress out of string beans and yellow thread. my herd of antelope will defend it viciously with toenail clippers. dont come near my antelope, man. if they get past my antelope, then ill just light my fortress on fire with me in it. but it will be allright though, because ill be stuffed in a little firepreoof box. inside the box, ill toast like a melon in heat until the fire ends and randal kicks my box. ill the flop out of my box pathetically, wailing "NOO, you defeat me!! nevermore, nevermore! scoop my guts out with your fork lad, toast my spleen on a fire and eat it, while i suffer a slow, painful death as karen kicks my dying body!!oh, btw man, could i have a bite of my gull bladder...dont ask.." they will then approach me, ready to attack, but little do they know that they are about to fall to theyre death because of the trapdoor they are about to collapse into and then fall into the bottomless pit! mwah hah hah!!!- Morshada

uuuhhh lots of fire- stephano spencarno

Oh Man.When wont ralph and karen realize there attempts are futile. Didnt we socialize a few weeks ago in japan? I thought I told them dinner with those guys is no fun... I mean they cant keep there hands off each other plus they are always talking about how much they like me...I mean I was flattered at first but then it became creepy... "Im so happy we met one of our Favorite people in Japan..(Smooch, Smooch...Grop)..ohhhh..You are such a blast really...oooo..your wonderful" And why do they always bring there own dinerware???? I mean yeah sure Ralph can.. Sinces he's slow and all, a alittle germaphobic but Karen.. She licks The plate!and she cant use the utensils. Come on. I mean seriously since my speech expressing my dislike wasnt good enough.The big "tell all" will come out. Ill beat them to a pulp with my negativity and strong dislike..no,no..HAtE. Meh, They crossed that line.- QuicklyGargle Spit

Using a giant electro-magnet to rip the deadly fork from their cold limp hands... unless it's made on non-ferrous metal that is, in which case, i'm screwed.- totseloz

Witha knife- UndeaD_SOul

Well Ralph and Karen can try to fork me to death. But I must warn them, my ass is like steel and it has killed before. It will kill again.- anthraxboy

Magnets and/or a spoon. The magnet would pull the fork to me and allow me to kill (and maybe eat) them with their own fork. If, however, they used a wooden/plastic fork I would use the spoon to block their attacks, once they grow tired I would dig out their eyes with the spoon. They would then be unable to see me and hunt me down.- Fredward

With my SPORK OF DOOOOM! Half-spoon...half-fork...all DOOOOM! It would tear them to tiny pices, and then I could eat them with it.- InstantOatmeal

with a spoon- BEER.

I will become like a piece of very tough mutton, and when one of them reaches for the knife, toss mint jelly in their eye. - wILLies

with a dinner plate and a spatula.- cyberwaste

Well it would involve a plastic bag a pepsi can and a toothbrush. The plastic bag would go over my head. The pepsi can would be on my hand, and have finger holes. The toothbrush will have the bristles taken off and will have metal where the brisles were so I can hit them and make them go ouch and I shall do all this while screaming COME BACK HERE CHICKEN!- Monkeeskittles

The only Ralph I know is from the Simpsons, and he's pretty nonthreatening..I don't know anybody named Karen so I'll think of my chemistry teacher..that's not her name but she looks like a Karen..I'll sneak into the lab and when she comes in to look for me I'll leap out and scald her with her own acid. THAT'll show her to learn me stupid crap I'll never need to know in real life. - FartMonkey

With flaming spatula's!- cutebutcrazy

Who are Ralph and Karen? But who gives a fuck. Fork, you say. Hmmm... A gun, definetly a gun.- Such a Beautiful Bitch

With a spoon.End of.no discussion- Keli-Weli

with a turkey tray. effective and sends out blinding shiny rays of light.- field


curl myself into a spunky ball of hot crusted jism.- plank

A spork- TheCady

Okay, firstly, who the hell are Ralph and Karen? Have they been stalking me? I hate stalkers, they suck ass. One time, this guy followed me wherever I went for like, ten weeks, and it got real annoying. And then I had to call the cops, who, of course, did nothing. (although they seem particularly keen on hunting down us evil, evil kids when we *gasp* ditch school or smoke a petty cigarrete instead of stalkers who could be, you know, pedophiles and rapists and Mexicans) So anyway...Ralph and Karen have decided, I mean - VOWED to hunt me down...with a fork. How lame. The best thing to fight back a fork with, is of course...a spoon. I would get a ginourmous pewter spoon with my initials engraved into it and one side of the spoony part sharpened so I could slice off someone's head with it if I wanted to, and I would use my awesome Power Ranger powers to kill them off. Easy.- Ka Ka Chawinga

with urine. i will dowse their weapon so that they can never use it again- Ice_Pick_Abortions

with my tongue- RipRap

With a sharpened spoon- biscuit

ralph and karen have not yet measured the power of the giant spoon. i distract them with it and then pull out a gun and shoot them. i use their fork to eat with after the job is done.- JAG

Take my ax and chop their heads of at that moment.- Ash

IŽd get 2 forks and turn around and get them two with the forks- The Spanking Mistress

with a toothpick & a cocktail olive. en guarde!- bongy

Isn't this one a little obvious? With a spork. How else would I defend myself? Everyone knows that the spork is mightier than the fork. That wasn't a mis-quote, was it? Oh, well. It doesn't matter because, even if they found me and killed me, I'D STILL HAVE A SPORK! ... Unless they took my spork. That wouldn't be good.- sven the masseur

I have an auto-fork, I'm not worried a bit.- .Sheep shagger

Magnets! A overly abundance of magnets that will be excused as an obsession with christmas pins clung to my clothing day in and out. If I don't have the ability to battle as your question doesn't regard as an possibility, then a defense sheild is my only option. Mortal enemy of forks? Young boys trying to show-off there "strength" (and since I was banned from Brothers and Sisters for conjouring a slave system) Magnets are my choice of defense.- LAstNightsdiner

run very fast in the other direction - seamonkey

naked- zeb

Pre-emptive strike, Across the breakfast table I would leap, kicking punching biting and scratching until I made my way to the kitchen draw and got myself a BIG kitchen knife. Then because Karen is the weaker of the two (not because she is a girl, but because Ralph is a well hardened fashion designer), and hold the knife to her throat. Then I would pass Ralph a knife of his own threatening to Slice karen up if he tried anything stupid. I would force him to cut his own penis off. Whilst he is writhing around in agony, me a karen go somewhere and have lunch- Planque

I'd run onstage at a Britney Spears concert, lop off her head with a machete and offer that to them instead. Britney's head on a spike would make a much better item for show-and-tell then me with a fork through my heart. :-)- Hayz

through cheese in their face and run away- Kino

a spoon, I shall use it as a shield.- alisonwunderland

i will defend myself with a delicous salad.- tink

deal with it fork 2 fork even steven!!- jimmy

Shoot them with a rocket launcher- Biffo35

With a spork! its two in one you know ~,^- TommyTheCat

with a knife- I thought you already knew it

grab a knife and a spoon and fight back!- la femme cinema

pluck out their eyes with a stick found on the floor- plankster

I'd take out my tap shoes and start tap dancing. They'd be so confused that they'd mistaken each other for scrambled eggs and poke their eyeballs out and drink their sweet, sweet eye juices..- McDiablo

With a pan!- damyang

with a spoon- megica

Pull a knife on their ass- Im Coming For You

i will drown them in....TOBASCO SAUCE!!!! MUUAAAAHAHAHAHA!!- tobasco_saucer

With the mortal enemy of the fork: the knife. We shall stage our battle over some mashed potato on a plate.- Mzebonga

Ralph and Karen's tatics are a widly known farce, Fork, pfffff, it realy is a Ringer ray that will steal all my brain juices for the hippie smoothie they market. The past 12 years I have been defending myself with rubber hats (earning me the nickname condom head) from currupt hippies, rotten cabbage, the inch aliens, dinner saive couples, dogs, genetically modified rodents, myself and everyone who gets to close. But how will rubber hats save me from there "fork", well... actually to tell you the truth... I never really thought about it... it just kinda made me feel more secure. Oh No... *Collapses into fetal position and compulsivly shivers*... No, ralph and karen, I apologize, no... break your vow...please..break...* dripping snot malfunctions the keyboard*- Solid Light Cakeyness~~In my Pants.

ralph's or karen's fork? depends...- ript

use the fork and eat them- bumswipe

With a nice piece of pie. No one can resist pie.- Asshat

Oh simple. I'll place thousands and thousands of thumbtacks beneath the carpet of my room and hide in an indiscreet location where they can't see me but I can see them. When they enter my room they'll be floored by the awesome pain they shall incur due to the thumbtacks. If I'm lucky maybe they'll even fall over with pain and drop the fork. If they somehow manage to penetrate my defenses though I do believe I'll be forced to use my psychic abilities to bend their fork into a blunt, useless object and then murder them with it.- ferretchick

Oh shit, Ralph is one CMF, and with the combined forces of him and his sister, it will be impossible to beat them with my own powers alone... JUSTICE LEAGUE, ASSEMBLE!!!!..........-me

With a spoon dear lisa, dear lisa, a spoon.- cocoplops

i will wait for them to beat me up- dri_Z

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