An open letter to Kevin Federline
9/21/05 - by drunkennewfiemidget -

Dear Cletus,

I have mixed feelings on your marriage to Ms. Spears.

You see, I'm happy because you have knocked her up, and have been too busy fucking her for her to have any time to release any more of her craptastic music to the world. I appreciate that, and for it, you deserve a humanitarian award.

Unfortunately, that's where my thankfulness for you ends.

There's two main reasons for my displeasure with you. There's an infinite number of smaller ones, such as you and her being all over the news, despite not being worth my time to have to press the 'channel up' button to get away from you, and the fact that you're a talentless fuckwit with no forseeable future, causing newscasters to have to refer to you as an "aspiring rapper". Yea, right. You're about as much an aspiring rapper as I am an aspiring ninja.

The only difference is I have a better shot.

But those aren't the main reasons for my displeasure. My main reasons are first and foremost, the fact that you're BREEDING! Please! The world has enough stupid people in it. Stop making more. Or at the very least, go antagonise a pit bull or something. The thought of the fact that there's what, 3 mini Federlines running around on the planet is nothing short of disturbing. 20 years from now we're going to hear all about them riding on the coattails of some other talentless popstars.

Secondly, Mr Feshizzlerline, is you have this severe issue with your skin colour. I hate to break it to you, but you're white. You always will be. You weren't born in 'da hood', and 'da white man' ain't done shit to you. Turn your hat around, pull up your pants, get rid of that fucking bandana, and get to the child welfare office and put those damn kids up for adoption.


(Dis-)Respectfully,

drunkennewfiemidget

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