Jan 26 /04
Answered by: JCP

*gasp* you want me to bathe??! but JCP, i can't do that! i promised i wouldn't! by the way, is it just me or is that plant by my door moving around? i could swear it's moving on its own... -CasualFatality
Ok, I'm sorry but you stink like hell. Go wash NOW.

OMG!!!!!! The blue elephants are the evil ones?!!! See...I always thought that they were really quite neutral.... not joining us not siding with their disgusting pink counterparts. WELL THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! Thank you so much JCP...without you the blue elephants would have stayed and been spys for the pink elephants for so long. When the world domination plan finally goes through feel free to visit us (the rest of the anti elephant army and i..pop.5) on the moon any time. just call ahead. Theres as much free chocolate milk, truscits,poptarts, ice cream, frappichinos and cheese as you want. Now as much as I think your advice is great I cant wait to get DC's input too. Any idea when he might be back?
Did you just OMG me?! Anyway, yes, the blue are indeed the evil ones. Free ice cream and cheese sounds good, thank you. Tired of me already? I'm not sure when he'll grace us with his presence.

what is a spleen and what is it's purpose?
I suggest you go to WebMD and find that out for yourself. That sort of information I don't know.

How disappointed have you been with the quality of questions since DC's disappearance? How much would you attribute this to people having an affinity for the furry little jizz-rag? How much would you explain it away as being the norm? Do you think people are giving you enough of a chance to stamp your comedic authority on this section? - Mzebonga
I think that people just don't like me as much as the 'jizz-rag'. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because I don't have a long fuzzy tail like he does. I can't say the questions were any better before he left, though I think people are now purposely holding back any good questions they might have for when he returns. I can be funny too.

Being a much derided character, do you think I will sink or swim? - Mzebonga
Hmm, I think that you'd do a bit of both. Just enough to swallow some water but not drown.

There was a woman about to have a baby on this show I was watching today, and something she had done really weirded me out. No, it wasn't the fact that she wanted to have a baby--she made a plaster cast of herself from her chest to her stomach. What. The. Hell? McDiablo
That is pure insanity. A sick insanity. I have NO idea why she would do that unless she has some sort of severe mental problem.

What is up with those medicine ads that go on for 2 minutes saying, "This is not recommended for those suffering from heart problems, pregnant women, people who have two left feet, etc."? I mean, I know it's a warning and all so no one dies from taking the medication, but why don't they leave it up to the doctors prescribing the medicine to tell their patients that stuff? McDiablo
Well, these companies making the medications want to make money. Most often, if you go into the doctors office and ask for the drugs, they'll give them to you. Some doctors even have stock in the companies who's pills they're pushing. Scary isn't it? More scarier then the obscene list of side effects these pills cause.

Would you watch a show called "World's Greatest Snipers"? McDiablo
It would really depend on my mood, and who these snipers are shooting. If they were taking out the Pope or any religious figures, hell yea I'd watch!

can you show me lovemaking positions?
I could, but I'm going to have to charge you by the hour.

I'm a male about 40 yrs. old and tech support for a University. I went on a science field trip with a 25 year old female grad student. We had to share a hotel room with two single beds. 4 of the 5 nights we were there we both masterbated in our beds. Well it sounded like she did. I did not look.( THat may be the insanest part) I am married (but not very happily). She does not seem to want to dioscuss the events. I really like her but I live in FL and she lives in CA. Although she is still quite nice to me. She has a boy friend that she is quite fond of who happens to be on the research faculty. I can think of a million questions to ask so I just broke it down to one. What would you do?
I'd go on the trip again and find out if she was masterbating. Then, I'd just lay there, trying to sneak peeks and trying to capture the moment in my mind forever so I could think of it over and over while playing with myself for years afterwards. Anything other then that and it's a world of trouble.

I want everyone to like me, but I often find myself unable to speak. What are normal topics of conversation and what are abnormal or insane topics that I should avoid speaking of? But the problem is that all the "normal" topics of conversation are boring. Why can't I can't I just ask someone if they took a shit this morning? Or say " Hey you! Have you ever seen your dead grandma crawl up your leg with a knife in her teeth?" If I say that then people will look at me weird and run away. - Hot Socks
Normal people talk about stupid things like the weather, how a local sports team is doing or whatever stupid thing is considered 'big news'. Do you really want to talk to people that can't handle you asking about taking a shit? No. When you find someone that doesn't run away when you ask things like that, then you've found yourself a friend.

I told you already, this is TheInsaneDomain.com not SexyGrandmaDoesDallas.com

why do men try to catch their underpants on their heads when taking them off at night?? Shezzer
Honestly, I sat here for a second and tried to figure out what you were asking here. I came to the conclustion that you are stoned. Therefore, if you want me to answer this question, you'll have to share.

When DC eventually does get back do you think that you will have enjoyed this job so much that you will either a) refuse to let him get it back and make him not able to return b) just give up and forefit the job or C) try to share the job and answer questions every once and a while? Now, I know lots of people...including me, would miss DC. Your advice, however, is fairly good...i wouldnt know about the blue elephants if it hadnt been for you. But i still want DC back eventually. I was just curious about you action plan...if you have one.
Fairly good? Second to a damned sock monkey. Rub it in why don't you, just like everyone else. Obviously I'd be booted off this section without a second glance, and all of you can continue sucking DC's dick. <Sobs.>

When Cheese takes over the world, will you offer yourself as an ally or fight for the freedom of a cheese free world? lisa
There would be no question, I would bow to the cheese and obey it's every command.

did someone at mcdonald's resturant encounter a needle or heroin

Jan 29/04
Answered by: JCP

does anyone give two hoots about the cult of celebrity, personally , i think it will drag us all down if we let it ....am i the only person out there who feels like that , posh and becks , jordan , nicole fuckin kidman .....fuck em
No you're not the only person, as I remain blissfully unaware of the going-ons of celebrities.

Did my English teacher develop the condition known as "Homeworkitis" over the weekend? McDiablo
Actually, your teacher saw a touching movie on TV where a hardworking teacher challenges the students, giving them assignments to push their minds further. In this movie, on the day the teacher retires, some kid gets all sappy and tells the teacher how much that class had changed their lives. Your teacher, believe it or not, cried at this. So now, in an altered state of mind due to this stupid movie, your teacher honestly believes that somehow homework will make a difference in your lives. You may have to somehow hit your teacher in the head hard enough to knock them out of this state. Watch Home Alone for ideas on how to do this.

I was watching the news and they showed these guys breakdancing for the Pope. As if that wasn't weird enough, the poor Pope (who can barely lift his head and could only put up his hand to show his appreciation) was drooling. Could you do me a favour and put him out of his misery already? Good grief. McDiablo
If I could, I would. (I'm convinced he's dead and they just have hidden remote control devices to shake the corpse.) Why the hell would people be break dancing for him? Is it HOLY break dancing? Can there even be such a thing? Besides all that, the main point of this being that young boys twisting their bodies around on the floor make the Pope drool.

Since my room is now painted a bright colour (orange), it really glows when the window is open. Since there is a Roman Catholic church up the street, I was thinking of luring them to my house and making them pay money to get a glimpse at "Jesus". Do you think my brilliant scheme would work? McDiablo
It sounds good, but you do NOT want those people thinking they can see jesus there. They will destroy your home with their chanting, weeping and wanting to take a piece for themselves. Just charge your friends a dollar for drinks.

Why do we drive in a parkway, and park in a driveway? -BuRniNg.
I drive on driveways, I don't know about you. I certainly don't push my car onto them.

Are opinions like assholes, and are they full of shit? -NeMaSissY
Yes, and usually yes.

If god made everybody who made god?
God didn't make anyone.

Can I have a dollar? If not, can I give you a dollar?- Bluemonkeyfearer
Well I don't have a dollar to give you right now, so give me a dollar.

Why on Earth do people have toes if we always wear shoes and can not use them for any good reason? - Bluemonkeyfearer
It's time for you to actually take off your shoes and socks. No, really. It's not normal to always be wearing them. I know you can do it, be strong.

Do you fear the blue monkeys? Do you even believe in blue monkeys? They come from the planet Khatizifa and they steal the contents of people's pockets. It's true. Do you believe me?- bluemonkeyfearer
I fear blue monkeys, but not blue sock monkeys. Not only do I believe you, but I have personally been traumatized by these evil blue monkeys. I would tell you all about it, but I've repressed my memories.

What if the blue monkeys kidnapped you, took you to their planet Khatizifa, and forced you to eat raw mice forevermore?
<Sobs as the memories come rushing back.> What if? <Sobs.>

A friend of yours (SS) just referred me to this site. Pretty funny bits here and there but what exactly is your motivation for answering "insane questions"? - ACT
SS is no friend of mine, and you can't prove it. Answering insane questions is what keeps some of us from flinging ourselves off roofs.

JCP you are being unfairly compared to a sock monkey... you are your own unique charachter and i think you have a pretty twisted sense of humour why isz it the clocks glow orange as the oven squeals purple cobras and my ass feels like an ether binge?and the purple beasts are inside the cats and the cheese and blue elephants they are all conspiring to make our conspiracys look small and puny ick why do they beat us with these used socks?
See at first I was all tricked by the coherency of your compliments, and then I realized as I read that you are a raving lunatic. So THERE everyone! SEE?! Someone LIKES me!

I can't go even one more week withough bathing? Oh, and WHY is my computer making that damn clicking sound???!!
Ok ONE more week. Ignore the clicking, it's just doing that for attention.

Why does the monkey spank the cat, then calls her a pussy? _fi5t3r_
Well that's just the way the children's author wanted it to go. If you don't like it, write your own story.

So, I'm all done housesitting, but my room has been getting painted while I was gone. The carpet is ripped out 'cuz I'm getting hardwood flooring, too. It's not finished, so I have no room to sleep in or hide in. Should I just go back and continue to housesit even though they're home now? McDiablo
You get hardwood floor? How unfair. I say you hide in someone's closet for awhile, writing secret notes down about them in a journal. That will help get things done quicker.

Why the hell did Aunt Flo come TWICE this month???!!!! McDiablo
Obviously she has no manners. What sort of rude individual would come back after knowing they weren't wanted the last time they were there? Pure rudeness.

Seriously, has my family got something against heating the house? McDiablo
I think they do. Set fire to things, claiming that it's cost effective since no electricity is used. You will either be locked away in a jail (where it's warm if you're good) or they will turn the heat up.

i would like to see a real mutated monkey?
Good for you.

Feb 4 /04
Answered by: JCP

i use syringes to sample some of my own blood, and then i'll drink it do i have problems? lol
Only if you're using dirty syringes. Using dirty ones is just wrong.

how the hell did you come up with the "The Lap Dancing Sock Monkey"story. It was a hoot to read i didn't get to read all the different stories but beleive me i will. I jsut had to say how much i luv this site its so cool LOL. im going to recommend this site to all my friends. how the hell did you come out with this web site like its so awesome i absolutely luv it. thank you for making it, i now have something to look forward too LOL. Esha
That's a few questions, isn't it?! There really is a secret of sorts in that story too, so that will give you something to look out for. This website has been evolving since 1996, here is the history of it. I'm pleased to hear you like the site here, so come back anytime.

Can people write stories and send them? If so tell me how because I have about a ten page story called doom of the Blue Monkeys that shows just how insane I am.-bluemonkeyfearer
Well you can contact me through here. I'll email you back, and then you can send it.

Are there such things as blue pigs.
Of course. There are many different colored pigs out there.

what is your favorite color--blonde baby
I don't really have one actually. Black? Any dark colors that aren't pink or yellow.

What do you do when you don't like your bestfriends boyfriend and in trying to avoid him you are also avoinding your bestfriend--but you don't want to avoid your best friend, just her boyfriend---blonde baby
I think you should grow up and stop avoiding people because you can't deal with your emotions. Just control yourself and hang out with your so-called best friend.

How many insane questions do we have to ask before you get tired of us and go on an insane killing ramage?-bluemonkeyfearer
I'm not sure yet, so far I don't want to kill any more then I normally do.

Is it possible to eat a head of lettuce in under 10 minutes?
I don't see why not. It's not THAT large and most of it can be chewed up enough to not fill up your stomach completely.

What is so fascinating about sock monkeys, and why don't you think that God exists? -bluemonkeyfearer
Well honestly I'm not obsessed or fascinated with sock monkeys, so I can't answer. I have many reasons why I don't think god exists, but I'm not into going into all of that on here. That'd be boring.

What REALLY happens to those individuals who break the "insane questions & answers rules"? McDiablo
There was that one guy that we had to torture until he finally gave up. We just sort of decide depending on our mood at the time.

Miss Roger's Sweater and her guitar had to have "time apart" a few days ago. Is their purely platonic relationship doomed? McDiablo
It's going to be difficult, no one can deny that. What they will need to do is spend some time, while apart, to think about the past, the future and where they see themselves in this future. I truly believe they can make it happen.

Why'd he get fucked up then show up 2ish hours late? Doesn't he realize how late is too late or is he too stoned outta his mind to comprehend anything?
I think he's too stoned to comprehend being late, but not stoned enough to NOT show up. I say you deal out a swift beating to ensure it doesn't happen again.

why is my moist cocanut macaroon on rice paper with chocolate flavour decoration so moist Susan
Is this a cooking thing? If so, I don't get it.

What came first....the chicken or the egg? sarah
Both. I know this to be true and I could tell you why, but you wouldn't care as much as you think you did when you wrote in. Did you even remember typing this question?

Once in a while, isn't it wonderful to just run to the roof of a building, throw your hands into the air and worship really dark clouds?
Last week I did that, and it was wonderful.

People suck. I'm going to be a swamp hermit. Do have any suggestions for good swampy areas? FartMonkey
No, just stay out of mine or my toad warriors will kill you.

Should I cut off people's heads on Valentine's Day and, in my defense, say I was merely doing this in memory of what happened to St. Valentine? McDiablo
Valentines Day? Oh no, that again?! I will join you in cutting off heads to celebrate.

My ugly, brown, short shag (yes, I did say shag) carpet is gone! It's on the back porch, though. Should I spit on it and yell, "Good riddance, ugliness!"? McDiablo
Oh yes, I would. Shag (Haha I said it too) carpet is just WRONG.

What does milkshake mean when used in the context, " My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, its better than yours, damn right its better than yours, i can teach you, but i have to charge " ?
It still means milkshake to me. What the hell are you talking about?

Ack!! There's little...little... THINGS crawling around under my bed!! What the hell are they and what should I do??? ~CasualFatality
Drag those little brats out kicking and screaming. Then shove them out the window. If you live on the ground floor, go to a higher window.

What would happen if you coated a badger in teflon and dropped it to Earth from 70,000 feet up? Would it make a large crate or just splatter? The teflon helps prevent burnup upon re-entry so... -SkyofStLuke
I would put my money on it splattering. You and I should go see if I'm right.

have u ever liked killed any one
If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it.

There is a freaky sluttish girl on the computer beside me. She is obsessed with the word fuck. Should I whack her with a fish, kick her ass, tell her to take her sexual fantasies elsewhere, or just find her a sluttish man and a room?- bluemonkeyfearer
I would do all of the things you suggested, and in that order.

hi .. would like to know what the problem is if a website can be viewed by certain providers and others not .. i know this is really an insane question .. but would appreciate all feedbacks!! thanks, from the one trying to improve another's sanity :)
Well if the person viewing it is doing so from work or a school, the site may be blocked if it's considered an entertainment website. As for anything else, I can't see why it would be blocked by an ISP if it's not considered offensive material. After you've made sure it's not a browser problem, phone the tech support.

raving lunatic? and you didn't even answer my questions? my guess thats what i get for being nice why have you been so unfairly molested by squirrels? because i sent them!!! why? cause everthing is overrated! why don't you tell me why everything is nothing and nothing is everything? Thathinguywhois
Oh so YOU sent the squirrels! If I had known I wouldn't have chopped off their tails. Sorry about that, if you want to sew their tails back on, I'm sure it will all be ok. Nothing is everything because everything is like that. It's all because of TIME. Stupid TIME, go on, shake your fist at it.

Feb 9 /04
Answered by: JCP

if you were a crocodile and lice were eating your bum hairs would you puke on them to extinguish thier chemical fire consumption of your genital herpes?thathinguywhois
This is just wrong. Where do I even begin with this?

why don't you make sock bananas and sell them as monkey stimulation devices?thathinguywhois
Well, I can't sew or do anything really domesticated like that. How about you make them for me and I'll sell them? Then I'd make tons of money and maybe even pay you for some of your time!

Where did this sore throat come from? I was totally fine...until hours after coming home from the dentist. Hmm... McDiablo
It's been lurking in your bedroom, waiting for you. First it was hiding on your floor, admiring the newness. Then it went over to your bed, and hung out there for awhile. While you slept, it crawled into your throat.

I made nanaimo bars the other day and I don't think they turned out that well. In fact, I think I put too much butter in the icing. Well, my family thought differently 'cuz they thought they were really good. The whole pan lasted a day. Did I put crack in them without noticing or what? McDiablo
Perhaps butter is crack. It could be, unless your parents are hiding the crack in the butter. It could happen!

Have you ever worn your pajamas in a bizarre place (like the gas station or the bank)? McDiablo
Hmm, for some reason I remember wearing them in a store, but I'm not sure why or when. It would have been awhile ago.

Who on earth comes up with incredibly long lists of odd things that make no sense? It's a dream come true. When I found the list of things that suck, I swiftly made the font size 8, put 5 columns on the page, and printed the long-ass thing off. Now, my question: If "having a fish shoved up your ass then pulled back out so you have scales stuck up your ass" sucks, does that mean the person actually DID have a fish shoved up their ass, or did they just have sick fantasies about it?- bluemonkeyfearer
Not only did you print them out and spend time reading them, you actually thought about them too! Good job, I'm quite impressed. I know for a fact that the person who wrote was just having sick fantasies about it.

Why in the HELL do people have armpit hair?
It's for people to use as a test patch for when they want to dye their hair, but aren't sure how it will 'take'.

Is it a good or bad thing that valentine's day is on the weekend so I won't be exposed to all that crap at school?
It's a good thing. That whole thing is just nonsense. Maybe it means something to older people or those who live from one sad event to another so they can feel loved, but I for one do not need or celebrate this made up event.

How come on rulers there's a little bit of space on either side before the actual measurement lines start? Why don't they just start where the stick starts? FartMonkey
Ruler makers know that kids like to jab at things with rules and therefore the ends will get rounded off. They won't need to throw out rulers so fast if they leave a bit at the ends.

I can't even talk to myself because I hate myself. Why does everyone hate me? FartMonkey
Jabbing people with rulers is a good reason for them to hate you. Stop it now.

What's the deal if you see leprechauns and they offer you silver instead of gold? FartMonkey
Upon reading this question, I thought of how shocked I'd feel if it happened to me. Then I realized, who am I to demand GOLD from a leprechaun? If it's nice enough to offer me silver, I should be happy with silver. It's better then being offered a soggy bag of shit.

Is there a right time to wipe your runny nose on your hand? McDiablo
If the snot is going to come out and cover someone or a pet if you don't, then yes. If it's going to get all over your clothes if you don't, then yes. If your hand is made of absorbant materials, then yes.

I have a cold and so my senses of taste and smell sometimes decide work. I couldn't really taste my Slurpee last night. How sad is that? McDiablo
Very sad indeed. Does your mother put your cough syrup in your slurpee?

What the heck is my cat doing? McDiablo
Secret catlike things that humans such as ourselves couldn't possibly comprehend.

Lately I have been possessed by my sims. I can only speak in Simlish and I do strange things, like run with my arms outstretched to different corners of the room, particularly when the phone is ringing, and whenever we get new furniture I start walking around like a dumbfuck clapping at them. All I can eat is salad and it is now physically impossible to place more than one thing on each table (per square foot) The only way I can communicate like a human being is by typing!!! Please help! -Tinkerbelll
<Throws arms in air and a picture of a TV is blinking in red.> I know what you mean! I had that problem for awhile until I killed them all off. Here are some ideas for you to try. Once they are dead you will live a happy life.

wow, i think i'm going to kill myself. any suggestions how i should waste my life in a fit of cowardice? irish psycho
Well before you go off and do that, why not do something productive first? The least you could do is start a fund raising campaign for this website. It's more productive then being dead, and you'll be dead soon anyway, so just do it. Thanks.

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