Dec 7/04
Answered by: Herbert

I was told my insantity was inadequate, hows yours?
Well I'm not sure exactly, as Poptart has kept me locked in a closet for the last few days and there was no one to tell me if my insanity level was adequate enough. I think it is, at least for now.

Would you eat a product named Cheeze Jism?
If it tasted good, sure! Cheese is yummy!

If you don't know where Dorkworld is, you are already there. Your first duty as my sexy sock monkey is to consume half your weight in gummi candy. Question: Do you play D&D? Or any other sort of RPG? EVA Sock-Dominatrix
Oh wow, half my weight in gummi candy! You're my favorite dominatrix ever! No I've never played any of those, will you teach me? I'm sure I'll learn super quick with you teaching me. Can I have more gummi candy now?

Are you a raging drug addict?-bluemonkeyfearer
Of course not! I don't have time for all of that, I have a tail to play with and gummis to eat.

y am i so drunk after relatively little beer? superman dave
I've heard that if you haven't eaten all day and then you drink, you get drunk very quickly. Just so you know, it's ok to eat food. If you make healthy choices and get exercise, you won't have to starve yourself or do anything silly to stay a healthy weight. I don't want you to hate yourself superman dave, that's so very sad when that happens to superheros like yourself. Sure the tights looked good in your younger days, but you don't have to wear it forever. You can create a new costume that fits your current body type and lifestyle. You can do it, there is no shame in aging.

will i get to sleep wit meghann? superman dave
Poor superman dave, I'll give you a hug. You don't need to sleep with chicks to feel good about yourself either. If you tried just having some friends, you'll find it's much more satisfying. You should come over and be my friend. I have a dominatrix and some gummis!

Ive been staring at herbert for hours is that beacuse hes a secret agent planning on brainwashing me and this site is really a front?
You've been staring at me? Awwwww you must like me! I'll do some dances and such for you. Should I play with my tail for you? <Dances and plays with tail> This is so fun! Watch THIS! And THIS! Oh yea!

why do large droplets of squirrels start to invade my hamburger moulds when i am about to shape meat?mmmmeatThathinguywhois
I've decided that I'm going to come visit you in your insane asylum! Do they have gowns that I can wear too? Maybe jackets where I can hug myself and more? Mmmmm hugging.

What is the airborne weight of an African Swallow?
I know those are all words, yet the meaning of the question escapes me. Instead, let's talk about how my paws were cold the other day and I had to warm them up by running around. Mmmmm static electricity.

What's your advice for befriending the elderly?
Rub up against their legs and smile a lot. They like warm and friendly people.

What are your favourite places to evacuate your bowels?
Cardboard boxes, tiled floors, bathtubs, toilets, out of trees and in holes I've dug in people's backyards.

What's your favourite snack food? A big ol' bowl of bite-size aborted fetuses? Or maybe some pretzels?
Oh my. Um I'd have the pretzels. Though sometimes I don't like the taste of salt at all. Sometimes it's sugar I crave. Mmmm sugar. It's so much fun. Sometimes it makes me dance around and other times it makes me curl up on the floor and shiver for a few hours.

Did you know that Dimebag Darrell, former Pantera guitar asskicker, was shot to death on the 9th of December during a gig? That's the 20 year anniversary of John Lennon's murder, to the day. The world is truly an insane place. R.I.P., Dimebag.
That sounds very sad. Maybe if we put some people on other planets then they won't be all grouchy from being jammed all together on this one. What do you think? Can I go with one of you? I think it'd be great fun! I could have a special space suit made for me and everything!

If you could be the master of any musical instrument, which would you choose?
The drums! I could thrash around and probably learn to hold a drumstick with my tail so I could drum with 5 sticks! I would ROCK! Yea! In fact I might go band on some pots and pans when Poptart goes out today.

Would you wear the puffy shirt?
Sure I guess, if it's clean. Will you be mailing it to me? I think you should.

The simple concept of adding iced tea powder to water can be easily botched. Which do you think is worse.. horribly weak, or mindbendingly strong?
Strong is worse. If it were too weak I could still add more, but once it's too strong, then I have to muck about getting a bigger glass, adding more water, cleaning the other glass and everything.

And on that note, how do you think hard liquor would taste if you added any kind of drink powder to it? I'm thinking wretched, but any wisdom you may have is welcome.
Hmmm that's a good idea. You should try mixing some and see how it goes. How about ameretto and ice tea drink? If I had both then I'd go try it but I don't. Sorry.

where is pumper 409?
Um, I have no idea. Try looking beside 408.

what would you say if a nasty old combat boot was walking past you and got it's lace tangled on your tail? howl. -Wolfman
I'd ask it very nicely to unwrap itself, or else I'd be forced to take it home. I'd bathe it and hug it and call it George.

What if a marajuanna producing place in Jamaica cuahgt on fire, would the whole world get high? -treepacbuddhaballs
Well if it were large enough, perhaps, but that would have to be a LOT of marijuana burning in order to do that. What would be interesting is if everyone did get high, would things become better in the world, worse or the same but different?

Hi Herbert! I got my PS2 working again and I went and drug myself to the mall, *insert scared, horrified face here* and I purchased GTA3. You guys can come over and play it anytime. I'm feeling kind of nice and in the buying mood. What would you, JCP and anyone else Im forgetting, like for this sucky holiday coming up? I'd rather ask you guys, than buy you socks or underwear. Where can I send it as well?--Monkeeskittles
Oh GTA3 is fun, and JCP has Vice City too. JCP told me she needs a new PS2 controller as hers is broken, and I've been saving up to buy her that. Do you want to split the cost? I'd like some shiny things, but coming over to your place and playing would be gift enough! Send the gifts here, and we'll send some back.

Where did navel oranges orginate?
In someone's navel, why else would they be called that? I mean, why lie and confuse us all by giving it a name like that? Then again, we get tricked all the time by names and that makes me very sad when that happens.

On the front page it says "Mon Dec 7" and on JCP's Nothing Really it says "Tues Dec 7". Does JCP get confused often?-bluemonkeyfearer
Oh no she doesn't get confused often, she confuses others often. It was me who messed up the date! I'm just a silly sock monkey.

I'm sick today, and I'm hungry. what do you suggest I eat that won't hurt when I throw it back up? -Hufflebunny
Soup with lots of noodles in it is easy to throw up. Plus it will be warm to eat. Hopefully you won't throw it up, that'd be sad and messy. I'd give you a hug but you might throw up so I'll just wave hello from over here.

How to I become a legendary insanedomain follower, who expresses disgruntle, narcissistic and nostalgic or reasonable common observations on the tiltering of regular daily experiences toward insanity in posted articles and stories...? Meanwhile showing off my acedemic talents, knowledge and skill, exspecially in the fields of pyschology, because our comprehension of mental conditions hilarity in unconventional but surprisingly common circumstance which does it arrise... and much other supebular understandings.(Not that I'm realy interested, but the becomings of that bond is intriguing)-cakerlick (Think I have the name down?)
Your name seems ok. Sort of weird to say. As for the rest, well like I told someone in the last set of questions (or in the one before that), you can only become a contributor when a spot opens up, and right now there are none open.

Have you ever answered the questions, but forgot to write "updated" on the main page and angry people waiting for you to update came after you not realizing they were updated? -Hufflebunny
I've only forgotten to do that once I think, but I don't think anyone wrote in complaining. Maybe I should have written in and complained to myself.

Dec 16/04
Answered by: Herbert

Would you bet an orphaned child's insulin money on a shady cockfight?
I'd have to say no, as I don't hang around orphaned kids that have insulin money. Maybe that's the problem with my life though, maybe I should be hanging around them. Hmmmmm

Why is there yet no deadline or place to send the lovely wallpaper?-bluemonkeyfearer
JCP hasn't decided when it will end. I've heard rumors that it might be the end of January. I'm going to make a few as well, though I'm not sure I'm allowed to win a spooky monkey because they don't like me much. (I had done some naughty things to the trick or treat bag)

how do you masterbait
That's not a word so I can't answer that!

Have you ever been stumped as to how to go about answering someone's question? McDiablo
A few times yes! I try to give at least a bit of an answer to everything, and I feel bad when I don't really have an answer at all. There is nothing worse than typing up a good question just to have it answered with a few words. Your questions are usually quite fun though McDiablo!

Why does it suddenly smell like burning toast? Is my dad abusing the bread again?! McDiablo
Still! Shame on your dad! Or it could be from that strange commercial I saw on TV about some woman having seizures or something and then burnt toast was somehow involved. Maybe it's the toast abusing your dad like it abused that woman!

I like my current English class and my last class is today. What should I do...cry when it's over, cling to the teacher's leg, or just walk out of the classroom all normal...and unphased? McDiablo
I say do all. Then, get a length of chain, attach it to their neck and insist they continue teaching you classes. Don't forget to feed and water your teacher though or it will shrivel up and die within a week or two.

Why is it that the What Ifs and Questionare are both progressionally getting lamer and lamer ? - me
Why is that people like you enjoy complaining? I mean, that section has been running for about 4 years now, and instead of saying 'Wow, there sure have been a lot, that's cool it's still going' you decide to instead write in and bitch about it. Well if you don't like them, don't answer them, and in the time you've freed up, you can go to hell. I don't like you anymore and don't want you touching my tail ever again.

Why is it that some places spell shopp with an extra "e" ? I mean, you don't pronounce it, then why add it there in the first place? I mean, for the longest time it confused me and I thought you prounounced the "e" because I figured it'd be pointless to have another "e" there if it served no purpose, but aparantly I was wrong. -me
I'm still not happy from the last question you asked so you don't get a real answer here. That's right, I'm being a grumpy monkey. I don't care who knows it. I'd rather be a grumpy monkey than a whiner like you.

....Herbert?! When did people start sending questions of herbert what happened to JCP??? I want him back i know no herbert *cry* help me herbert what am I to do! - Quanzi_penguin_poo
Him? JCP is a girl! Come on, you'll learn to like me, I have a soft butt and a fuzzy tail. Why would you need JCP, she doesn't have a tail at all. As for her butt being soft, well I don't know, I'm not allowed near it. Mmmmm girls soft butts.

I had some good questions, but I forgot them because I couldn't get on the site. Do you think next time you're changing servers, you could warn us first? =) -Hufflebunny
That was JCP who didn't warn us, blame her! But I agree, we should have all been warned so that we didn't come visit and cry our little eyes out. I cried for hours and collapsed on the floor until Poptart revived me with a kick in the ass. By then the site was back up again so I felt better.

Why can I remember my dreams when I really try to? And why do I remember my dreams sometimes when I DON'T try to? And why are they always so weird and random and involve things like a fat lady wearing orange who wants to kill me, or stupid black midget skeletons that won't die no matter how many times I crush it, or me at school with lots and lots of evilly black tornadoes outside? Sometimes I even dream that I can turn back time, or...I am in a vehicle that goes off a cliff or some kid brings a gun to school and kills me. WHY DO I HAVE SUCH EVIL DREAMS OF DEATH???? Does this mean I am going to die? Is my subconscious mind showing me all of the options I have? Am I really going to be able to sit on a carnival ride, turn back time, and do it over and over again? Because that would be really really cool. Thanks for listening to my ranting, love and sporks from Bluemonkeyfearer
Oh it's ok Bluemonkeyfearer, if you let me snuggle with you at night you'll never have to worry about evil dreams of death! Dreams are just your brain sorting through things, so maybe you should just watch me dance and you'll have lovely dreams of fields of monkeys in every color except blue. There will be be dead clowns sticking out of the ground, balloons that never pop and startle you, pizza, and yes, even turn back time! As for sporks, well of course they'll be there, what kind of dream would it be without them?! Even the sphinx would show up and a whole troop of freaks on wheels. We'd sleep all day and night Bluemonkeyfearer, and it will be grand!

Why do my eyes burn?-bluemonkeyfearer
You forgot to wash your hands after making mud pies! Don't worry though, I won't tell on you. Just go wash your hands and then wash your eyes out with water. I'll go bury the evidence.

What exactly is a doily? -Hufflebunny
It's those things on tables that look like snowflakes but taste like dust. Don't get tricked by them! I've noticed that it's mostly old ladies that have these, but I haven't quite figured out why. Maybe it's done to confuse us all, and let's face it, they're doing a good job of that.

How come today, Everything I touch seems to give me a shock? -Hufflebunny
Well I don't like to turn on my own, but I blame your socks. That's right, your socks. As you walk around they're plotting against you, just waiting for you to touch something that will shock you. I say you teach them a lesson involving scissors and perhaps a hammer of some sort.

hey herby! (can i call u herby? if not i apologise) today i have drunk a far more acceptable amount of beer b4 bein drunk! which is nice! I'd like to thank u 4 ur previous kind comments, i am now much happier wit my life, but i wud like to ask u more abt ur dominatrix and gummis! tell me more? superman dave
Herby is ok today and that's all that matters! I'm glad you found my advice helpful, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Here is where we'd have a friendly hug if we were on a tv show, but we're not, which is sad. Oh yes, my dominatrix, it's great fun to have one. I haven't been able to sit for a few days now, but it's all in good fun. Gummi's fit in many holes, did you know that? Oh yes, they do. Frozen gummi's aren't so fun though.

regarding my earlier question, i dont fink i will ever sleep wit meghann, sum days i fink she is all about me, others i reckon she just humours me. so its prob my imagination. do u reckon this is true?? sshe is canadian tho. which i like. superman dave.
Well being Canadian is indeed an attractive thing somehow, but let's face it dave, you need some alone time to get your shit together. Sure, the heavy drinking is fun for awhile, but eventually you'll wake up with an itchy dick and spend the rest of your life wondering why you were so stupid. So I suggest you maybe not get roaring drunk every night and just leave it to the weekends. Burning is bad remember. It makes you itch and itch and eventually you're rubbing up against sandpaper and then your tail will drop right off. It happened to a few monkeys I knew. After that they started earning flowing robes and eventually just soared away into the sky. I mean, what the hell was going on? Why robes? It's all just very confusing and somehow wrong, yet I can't put my finger on why. I think I need a drink.

Dec 18/04
Answered by: Herbert

Does JCP know that February is spelled February and not Februrary? Because that's how it is spelled on the Win a Spooky monkey page. Was JCP in a hurry? Was she high? Are you high???-bluemonkeyfearer
Damn bluemonkeyfearer, that was up for less than a day and you caught that? Ok tell the truth, are you an english teacher? Do you have a pretty red marker? If you do, can I play with it? Maybe we can all get high from the fumes and do naughty things. Mmmmm naughty things with bluemonkeyfearer and JCP.

Hello my fuzzy little friend. Do you think people abusing the internet to illegally download music will eventually destroy the industry and bankrupt everyone, or will it lead to people not expressing themselves through music merely for financial gain, and lead us back to a pre-commercial era where people make music to tell the world how they feel and because it makes them feel emotions that real life can't? superman dave.
Hello superman dave! You must be feeling better today, which I'm glad to see. I'm not as smart as you when it comes to this, but I think that if people like bands they should somehow give them money so they can keep hearing stuff they like. One time I went to steal a music video from the internet and it wasn't a music video at all. Some naughty things were going on in the video. Mmmmm being naughty. Wanna come over tonight dave? Anyone?

the sock monkey my mum made for me when i was little has a little white t-shirt on, and always has. just lately tho im beginnin to wonder if he wud b happier as nature intended, or should i knit him some pants too? or leave him as he is? he wont talk to me u c. p.s. have you ever thought about growing a moustache? superman dave.
I say send photos to me of him both with and without clothing and I'll tell you what I think. Is he the reason you won't come over and play with my tail anymore? A moustache? Hmmm, that might be interesting.

Christ mas merry happy AGHKRLXXXXXXX#@%$#@^%$#^%@^%@ i don't like christmas marketing and advertising music and bells trees and stuff just give the presents on the right day and let's not hear about it until a week from then k?!!!!!thathinguywhois
Oh I agree!

Hello my crazy lover, how was last night? -wolfman
Oh wolfman, you make me giggle. My tail is still a bit numb but if you want to come back tonight then I'll be here. Um, can you maybe trim your claws just a bit? They're um, really really sharp.

if you were to find a nuclear war head in your back yard... hypothetically of course... would it be possible to use it to obtane super powers? howl. -Wolfman
Oh yes, why not? That is what nuclear war heads are for! You might want to throw a dog or something into it first and make sure you'll get cool powers instead of mutating into a killer blob that for some reason disolves in water.

do you ever get sudden urges to howl at the moon? is this normal for teenage wolf people?
I howl at things all the time, and yes, even the moon at times. I'm sure it's normal for everyone, humans and monkeys and wolves alike.

how much wood would a woodfuck fuck if a woodfuck could fuck wood? superman dave
I'm giggling. You said WOOD!

do you think michael jackson will be found guilty of bein a dirty little child bummer? superman dave
That I don't know. I'd like a tree to climb though like he does. All I've got at the moment is a balcony.

If I was a book that was a diary that was a book and didn't have a story. What would I be?
You'd be boring and I'd have to light you on fire and use you to heat my cold paws.

Hey, so what if I just suddenly changed my name to something besides me ? How on earth would you know if you were tallking to the horrible whiner or just some random new guy ? .... why would you care actually.-me
Oh you're clever! I would have no idea and you'd be laughing at me. You know, I bet you a lot of people do that. Makes me wonder why. Maybe they're afraid to show their true selves to me, for fear that I'll see how much they love me. Awwww, people love me! Wait, I meant me, not you me, as in the me who sent this in, but isn't me me, but a different me. Oh this is so confusing. Hold me, I mean me. Oh me, hold me.

Hey look, it's me again. Just so you know, it's not like I'm one of those random losers who're gonna jump in and be like " hey , this shit sucks!" and it's not even like i daid that. I've been coming to this particular site for 3 years ( of differnt nicknames of course ) and god damnit have I investged some time to this shit. I don't really care howm uch a whiner you think I am, but seriously, don't go and shove words in my mouth and be all lame about it. geez-me
How was anyone to know that? If you had said that bit about coming here for 3 years, and then said which questions you did like and why, then don't you think there would be a greater chance of getting more of what you consider good questions? Now let's have a big warm hug and make up. I'll even let you touch my tail again, if you promise to be nice about it.

dear herbert you fucking piece of fucking shit... you didn't think i'd escape? fuck you... i know you're the asshole who had me committed... and i know where you're living... -DC
I've decided that you're not the real DC. At least I don't think you are. Um, if you are well I didn't tell anyone where you were or anything. I'd never tell those people with the white jackets. I mean, why would I want you taken away and unable to contribute to this site therefore allowing other monkeys to move in? You can't be the real one. Uh, so where are you?

I absolutely love Christmas lights, and my question is, Do you think people can go to far and make their Christmas/Holiday decorations really tacky? I don't think you can ever go to far. don't you just love all the pretty colours, Herbie? -Hufflebunny
The pretty lights are very fun to look at, but the santas and stuff are quite tacky. (Plus if you try to mount them they sometimes melt on your fur from people using the wrong bulbs and it gets too hot.) I think that everyone should have lights on their houses all the time, it would make the world look pretty.

What would you do if your poop wanted to come back home?
Oh I'd be very upset until I tried to trick them into going into the earth (that's where all food comes from really) and if they didn't fall for it I'd run until it pinned me down and forced it's way back up into my asshole which would probably be a very bad feeling and I'd have to cry a LOT. Hopefully it didn't expect to crawl it's way back out of my mouth as food, as things do not work that way.

Dec 21/04
Answered by: Herbert

I ate the yellow snow. Any suggestions? - Venomous
On where to find more? Well I'd probably go to a school, as I'm sure that kids like to make yellow snow. I haven't actually seen how they do it, but it seems that there is always some yellow snow around after a group of children has left, or some dogs. Hmm, now that I think about it, normally the children have dogs and that's when I see the yellow snow. I'd go check this out myself but I'm refusing to leave the apartment at the moment.

Holy shit, it's a week until X-mas. Does it even feel like it should be X-mas to you? McDiablo
It's only a few days now, but I can't say that it does feel like it yet. Maybe once I have a few presents, or have given a few. I know JCP doesn't want me buying her things anymore (she did NOT like my gift of a dildo last year, so what if it was just my tail with a bow on it?) but I think that maybe if I make her something non-tail related she just might let me near her. Poptart has threatened to have me sedated if I act up, but I don't think that will be needed. There will be plenty of other people for me to talk to and everyone will see what a wonderful sock monkey I am. Would you like to come to the party with me McDiablo? I promised I'd behave, and I think Emerald would have fun too. Mmmm a threesome.

My friend is having her birthday party on Grouse Mountain. There's winter activities and stuff up there...and, well, I'm a cold person. A very cold person. How many layers of clothing should I wear? McDiablo
LOTS! Get some feather pillows and strap them to you. A sleeping bag designed for -60 temperatures should be wrapped around you at all times. Get a slave to keep a torch burning around you in case you get cold and need something lit on fire to warm you up. Mmmmmm warming you up. Invite me along, I'll keep you warm with hugs!

Where in Canada would you like to travel to? McDiablo
I'd like to see BC as it is the furthest away from where I am, and has pretty mountains. Then I'd go to shag harbor in Ontario? Quebec? Somewhere in Canada and look for crashed ufos. That's right, ufos! Maybe if I ask nicely enough, they'll take me with them to a world of sexy sock monkeys.

I remeber DC once wrote a poem from Miss Rodger's Sweater... Wuld you write ME a poem ?-me ( I don't know if I've asked this question before )
Did he? Sure, why not. Oh me was not full of glee. Give me a good question me likes to mention, while me is in bed and rubbing Herberts head. Write me a poem me likes to moan, and who am I to really deny? Oh me, oh my, you don't need to cry. I'll give you a kiss for the good what ifs that you miss.

If I call you the space cowboy, can I be the Ganter of Love ?-me
No, I want to be the space cowboy! Please? Next time you can be it. You were it last time too. Come on, play nice.

whats INSANE---- BRY
Insane is when coffee cups march into your room and demand to be filled with pennies. Then when you do that, they dump it out on your floor and march out again, not even bothering to say thank you for the pennies or explain why they made a mess on the floor. I mean, how insane is that? Stupid pennies.

When did SAnimal's page suddenly drop outta exsistence ? Did JCP and DC finally get fed up with his shit and just delete his site or something ? -me
I don't recall seeing his page, did it suck horribly? I don't like him, he pulls on my tail in a most unfun way. Hopefully they did get fed up and deleted his stuff, I would. Uh, unless he's reading this, in which case um, look over there! <Runs away.>

Why must there be so much political correctness this time of year ? Like if you don't mention every Holiday this month in your commecrial, then you're going to get some pissed of O.B.W.(Obnoxious Black Woman) trying to file a lawsuit against your company for not telling her to have a Happy Kwanza along with her Merry Christmas. So we got all our damn local redneck Auto Dealership commercials sayin', "Me and everyone else here at Schlepp's auto company want to wish you a Merry Christmas, A Joyful Hanukah, A Happy Kwanza, a Healthy newyear, a Hungry Ramadan, a Special Santa Lucia day for all you crazy Swedish, and an ICe Cold fucking winter Solstice to all !". If you feel less included because Ol' Earl didn't mention Kwanza in his comercial, then you really need more friends. God I love ranting... -me
If everyone just says 'Happy Holidays' then that should cover things right? Though really people should say things like "Drive safe, I don't want your drunken ass killing mine." and "Make sure you don't light your house on fire with dried out trees, as I might live next door to you and do not want my shit burning up with yours." Well, no I guess that'd take too long to say, so how about "Merry yo ho ho and a bottle of rum'.

How did Christmas go from a little Cristain holiday that was about the birth of Jesus to an American tradition where greedy kids beg their parents for expensive shit that they'll use for a week and never use again ? It's gotten to the poin where if you don't buy your kids 600 dollars of worthless shit, then you're a ba parent. Realy, I enjoy the fact that we have a day to share and show people you love that you care, but I do say, it's gotten quite a bit outta hand; it's not even Christain anymore.-me
If you don't think that this is a shining example of exactly what christianity has become, then you need to take another look at them. They haven't made sense for 2000 years, why the hell should they start now? These are the people whose god encourages them to love each other, yet they hate and condemn those who don't believe as they do. They're all raving hypocrites following books that stopped having real meaning hundreds of years ago. Also, it wasn't THEIR holiday to begin with, it was the Pagans and the christians decided to work their holidays into theirs in order to lure over more into believing as they do. They're tricky, so stay the hell away from the nativity scenes. The evil begins there.

Where are my pants? Venomous
I hid them! <Giggles.> I just wanted you to come over and go through my stuff while looking for them! Did it work? Will you be coming over? If not, I'll sleep in your pants. I'm sure they'll be warm and smell just like you. Mmmmmm smells like you.

how do you spell sphincter? superman dave
What a fun word! Even if you spell it wrong, that's half the fun! Sphincher. Sphinchinter. Spinhchinter. Sphincter.

whoever thought of putting dried, chopped leaves in a paper bag and calling it tea? fuckin genius. superman dave
I think that what happened is that someone put together those bags of chopped leaves as home decorating things, and when they accidentally fell into some boiling water (maybe someone threw it at the person who made it for some reason) and some got in their mouth, or they thought it smelled nice and a new product is born. It would give the British something to hold dear to their hearts and to be able to bitch about the lack of good tea in other countries.

how likely do u think it is that the universe is actually really small and encapsulated by ear wax, that was picked out of God's ear, flicked and discarded? thus implying the universe and everything in it is an unwanted byproduct? perhaps we have just been left to destroy our own planet, and then move on to colonise then rape the next planet, moving on and on until the entire universe is uninhabitable due to our unquenchable thirst for furthering our technology and pillaging natural resources, thereby causing the ear wax to implode, nicely taking care of Gods unwanted ear wax problem? he is God u know, he can create self-destructing ear wax, if he wanted to, couldnt he??? superman dave
Well if god were actually real, I doubt that it would have a body like a human. So there would be no ear to get the earwax out of. But if there were a god, then it could do whatever it wanted I suppose, and if it wanted a big ear in which to pull wax out of and make into humans, well I guess it can. If I were god I would come up with something more fun to do then that. Makes me wonder what potential my earwax has. Maybe I have a universe in my ear!

What if I bought fifty million boxes of mashed potatoes and spread them out through variouse locations in China, then I made it rain? Would all those Chineese bastards die? -seeingdoubles
No but it'd probably feed them quite well for awhile until it began to rot. I think many people would be angry you did that, especially those who like all the ancient stuff they have. It'd be a shame to see it all covered with mashed potatoes. How about you cover the US and whatever county they are at war with this month. That way the US will shut the hell up while jamming their faces full of food (the smart ones will escape by knowing not to eat like morons) and the country they are at war with will also shut the hell up by eating. The greedy ones will blow up from eating too much and the rest will get sick from eating rancid food once it goes bad. Then again, people pay to do that each time they buy mcdonalds or other fast foods, so I guess you'd be best to just package it up in boxes and sell it to them directly as fast food.

Why doesnt everyone in the world take prozac, drink orange juice, and eat fried apples? Everyone would be alot happier.
Well we might all be happier for awhile, but once the orange juice and fried apples cause everyone to get the shits, it would be a stinky world and no one would want to clean it up. Then, the whole world would stink and be covered in shit. That's just no good at all.

how many people die a day
Not enough to ensure that those still alive have good or meaningful lives. If there were less people, maybe those living would put more effort into theirs and ensuring that things didn't suck in the future instead of being greedy stinky monkeys.

If a tree fell in the middle of a forest and no one is around to hear, how would you know that the tree actually fell? Someone could be feeding you a bunch of crap. - Venomous
It's gravity who is trying to feed you a bunch of crap. Why must the tree fall at all? Maybe it grew on the ground like that, maybe it LIKES the ground. Who wants to stand forever when you can lay down? What do trees have to stand up for? No reason at all. They just like to look down on us all. Then again, if they weren't standing, I'd have no trees to climb in, just run on. That would suck.

Is it considered date rape if I slip myself a roofie?
Only if you say no to yourself but continue anyways. In that case, you deserve to get your ass kicked, and I suggest you turn yourself in to protect others against this sort of thing from happening again.

is ur mummy proud of u, and all that u've accomplished? i kno i wud b. i think ur a smashing little fella. superman dave
Awww thanks dave! I'm sure she's proud. It used to be DC who got all the attention, all the praise, and well now it's time for ME to get that. I'm the better monkey, I'm cuter and I don't have severe unfun issues like he does. Mommy loves me very much she tells me sometimes, and that means I'M her favorite now. ME.

Why when u tell sum1 u've lost something (perhaps ur keys 4 example) is their immediate response 'well, where were u wen u last had them?'. if i knew that, they wudnt be fucking lost would they? idiots. actually, im the idiot. i lost my keys. shit. superman dave
Just to help you out dave, here are some words you need to learn. You. Someone. You've. Your. For. When. Would. Be. I'm just a monkey and even I can master these simple words, why can't you? Maybe this is part of your keys problem, that you're just doing things half assed. Besides, people just try to help retrace your steps, as normally when you do that, you do find what you're looking for. The thing I hate is people who say that it was in the last place they looked. Well of course it was, why would you keep looking for something you've found?

has a human ever successfully mated with a monkey? it must be possible. we're really similar and everything. well, i am, right, im off to the zoo. superman dave
Humans are monkeys and there are people breeding every day. Try not to remind me of that, it makes me cry with fear. No offense but I wish there were more sock monkeys then your type of monkeys. I'll see you at the zoo dave, am I allowed to feed you?

Why is it that some places spell shopp with an extra "e" ? I mean, you don't pronounce it, then why add it there in the first place? I mean, for the longest time it confused me and I thought you prounounced the "e" because I figured it'd be pointless to have another "e" there if it served no purpose, but aparantly I was wrong. -me ( you didbn't answer my question ! )
I didn't answer your question? How awful of me! I don't know why they do that. Maybe it's an older way of spelling it and people think they're being cool and different by using it. I can't stand when they misspell normal words like 'Kool Water Depot'. Kool isn't a word, COOL is. Why do people have to misspell things like that?

if blue and yellow make green, and blue and red make purple, shouldnt green and purple make blue?
You know, they should! I say we write into the color (or colour) committees across the world and have this fixed.

Dec 23/04
Answered by: Herbert

If my pants smell like me, does that mean you smell like me too? -Venomous
The only way to tell is for me to crawl into your pants and see what your pants smell like and what you smell like. What do you think? I think that'd be great fun! If you want I could bring some snacks too, like pretzels or something. Do you like pretzels? They're fun to chew up and then spray out at people.

If I gave you five dollars, would you come over to my place and play with me for a while? Venomous
Of course! That's a much better offer than the one Poptart and I currently have. He's agreed not to hurt me if I agree not to go into his bedroom at night and do naughty things to his sleeping face/body. In fact, I'd even buy you a gift with the money you gave me to say thanks for the friendship.

Why are Asians so good at everything ? -me
Since I'm not a well-travelled sock monkey, I don't know exactly what you mean. Asia is a pretty large chunk of land, and how do you know that ALL those people there are actually good at everything? I mean, if they were good at EVERYTHING, then that'd be pretty amazing. I'd like to be good at a bunch of things, but everything? I think that'd be too much pressure. Never being allowed to bad at something would have me up all night worrying instead of playing with my tail.

Do you enjoy Faygo beverages ? They're carbonated and filled with extra-sugary goodness. -me
I've never heard of that before. Where do they sell it? Maybe you should buy me some. I like sugar! It's so fun to roll around in, lick and chew on. Sometimes I find sugar cubes and eat as many as I can before they're taken away from me. Mmmmmmm sugar.

Why do my friends' parents tell my friends what they're getting for Christmas? isn't it always more fun when its a surprise? -Hufflebunny
It should be a surprise, tell your parents they're doing it all wrong! To punish them, you should steal the gift(s) and bring them to me. You and I will have much more fun than they ever could! I'll even get some cookies for us, do you like cookies? I might even be able to find us some hot chocolate to drink too.

On page three of the Art Gallery Exhibit, is that thing in the picture at the bottom the same as the one on the front page? Because i guess it does have bottom teeth -Hufflebunny
You're right! You're so clever! I wasn't invited to the art gallery that day, so I never saw those things. It does have lower teeth, and it's funny! I guess it's a good thing I didn't go, as I would have tried to steal it. Maybe that's why I'm not invited a lot of places. If I'm at someone's house/place then I don't steal, as that's just rude, so you can still invite me over if you want.

My friend thinks that i am not insane though i am. and she says im not.but i am.
If you know you're insane, then what does it matter what your friend thinks? Unless of course, she is just a figment of your imagination. If that were true, you'd be arguing with yourself, which proves your insane. You can't get rid of her or stop arguing then, as you would cease to be insane. You should hug your friend and thank her for keeping you insane!

hey sexy tail, how are you? I was a little abashed to discover that I was spelling words incorrectly, so I checked. It turns out you are right, hence the reason you provide such a font of wisdom to one and all! (properly researching the articles on this page helped to show me the error of my ways.) Accordingly I have moved away from my half-assed aproach! However, as an Englishman I'd like to say that tea rules, and you're right, again; you cant get decent tea anywhere else! Anyway, on to my question - how do you lubricate a tail effectively without it just soaking in? superman dave. xxx
Oh dave you've made me so happy! I'm so impressed with your wonderful spelling! I'd give you hugs if I knew exactly where you were! Maybe if we meet someday, you'll give me some decent tea. As for tail lubrication, you can use two hands and rub the tail until it's all greased up and ready to go. You can also use your mouth along with your hands at the same time if you're coordinated enough. You deserve to have your tail lubricated and played with, as you did such a good job of learning to type better! I'm so proud!

Hey Herbert, have I ever told you how much I love how diligently you answer the questions ? Well I do ! I remeber WEEKLY updates. THis is much nicer -me
Oh thank you! <Blushes.> I'm trying to be a wonderful question answerer so that everyone will like me and want to give me hugs. Does anyone want to hug me yet? (Me as in Herbert, not me as in the person who calls themselves me, but, I think I should just stop worrying about all that. It'd make things much easier.) Now all you people have to do is write to JCP and tell her what a wonderful monkey I am.

Dec 26/04
Answered by: Herbert

how do females masterbait?
They do what males do, jam their hand down their pants and move it around till it feels really good and their hand is wet. The word is masturbate by the way.

Have you noticed it's practically impossible to be origional ? Even if you're someone who's gonna say, " Hey, I'm not a trend whore, so I'm not going to shop at all the stores that most people think are cool," because where ever the hell you shop, when you buy a shirt there, there's always 5 more next to/under it. So, if you really think about it, there's no way to be "different" than anyone unless you make your own clothes or something. Even though this is true, why do you still get people saying, " I shop at Hot Topic because I want to be different !" when you're just the same as everyone else who shops there. I guess you can try to "express yourself" through clothing, but that doesn't make you any different. *HUG* P.s. All of my questions will now come with a complementary hug. Why do I feel as if I already posted this question ? I guess I always get that feeling)-me
Wow, a hug! Thanks! As for the original bit, well there are billions of humans out there, and it's near impossible to be completely original in your fashion sense. So basically, it works on the percentage of those you see around you and if you decide to look like they do or not. If only a small percentage of those around you wear a type of shirt, well you're in a small percentage then. If you want to be in even less of a percentage, then you wear something different. At that point, you're just wearing things for the sake of being 'different'. Clothes are supposed to protect you from the elements, be comfortable to to wear, be durable and fit properly. Beyond that, pick colors you like and try not to spend much time thinking about it. Clothes may be what you have on the outside, but it doesn't change who you are. If you're a freak, no amount of clothing will conceal that forever. As long as you keep key areas covered, like your ass when on public transit, no one wants a sweaty ass mark on the bus seat. Now when it comes to shoes, things change. You are to buy shoes that you can show them to people like me who really like looking at them. Shiny ones are best. Mmmmmm shiny. Wow, a hug! Even now, I'm still very happy with that! Mmmmmm free hugs.

If I let you do naughty things to me, would you still come and play with me? Venomous
You've confused me so very much Venomous! If you let me do naughty things to you, I'd be there playing with you and why oh why would I ever leave if you let me play with you and do naughty things?! You and I could be friends for ever and ever and we'd play and be naughty and yay!

Herbert, I love candy. and I eat it everyday. I love it sooo much, that sometimes I will cry out of pure joy. Is it ok to eat this much candy, and be this emotionally tied to it? ~lilly calligraphy
Well most times I'd say yes but this time I think that maybe you're crying is a bit much and I feel sad for you. Maybe you have a serious sugar addiction and that's not fun. If you can try and not eat so much you cry, then things should be ok. So you need to send me the extra candy you're not eating. Go on, do it. DO IT! Give me candy!

Do you think that, If humans shed hair as quick as cats or dogs, that 90% of the population would be bald? -Hufflebunny
What a mess that would be, but wait, humans do shed a lot don't they? I know that when JCP has been visiting at Poptart's, I always know by the strands of hair she's left behind. Her long blond hair is everywhere, and feels like spiders sometimes on my arms and legs when it gets on me. I keep all of it in a bag, so she will know how much I miss her and want her to like me. What do you do with your shedded hair? You know, there could be sock monkeys collecting it when you're not looking. If you come over, will you let me play with and collect your hair?

Would you like to join my family for Christmas Dinner?-Hufflebunny
Oh yes! That'd be great! I'll even wear pants and call your dad sir! Yay! You're my favorite for the whole rest of the month. Maybe I'll even try to make something to bring over. I hope they like pizza, I don't know how to make anything else.

Is this an insane question ? -me*HUG*
Awwwww, thanks for the hug! But no, it's not an insane question. I never went and looked at what it said before about only asking INSANE questions. This gives me a reason to email JCP and ask her about if maybe non-insane questions are allowed.

Did you know that Elf spelled backwards is Fle ? ( pardon me, I'm bored ) -me *hug*
That looks like fun! Snow, Wons. Shoes, Seohs. Monkey, Yeknom. Freak, Kaerf. Wolf, Flow. Pillow, Wollip. Cold, Dloc. Natasha, AhSatan. Light, Thgil. Teeth, Hteet. Spank, Knaps. Forest, Tserof. Skeleton, Noteleks. Feet, Teef. Hug, Guh. Blood, Doolb. Bored, Derob. Minute, Etunim.

Since you always seem to answer questions here but don't ever seem to give me an answer face to face. I'll use this forum instead... WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT!!??????? No matter where I put you before I goto bed you ALWAYS find a way to get back into my bedroom and climb under the covers! I AM SICK OF IT HERBERT!! I saved you and spared you from the wrath of Tony over a month ago. I took pitty on you and your little dirty tail but enough is enough. If you aren't out of my apartment by 2005 I'm handing you back over to Tony!! Understand Herbert?? Johnny Poptart
Hi Poptart! How nice of you to come here and write in! Oh you don't really want to throw me out, you're just teasing like you always do! When you come home today I'll give you a big hug. I told you, I sleep walk at night sometimes, and because it's so cold here in Ottawa, I probably just wander in there because it's warm, well ok, because you're warm. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose and remember actually doing it. I wake up just as surprised as you are. Come on I'll buy us pizza if it happens again, and maybe some cookies too. We make good roommates, and have tons of fun otherwise! Isn't it nice to come home to a smiling sock monkey who's just waiting to hear how your day was? Besides, last time , you started nibbling on my ear and rubbing my bottom when I crawled in so you can't hate my company that much. I know you won't kick me out! You love me!

Why are people setting animal traps in freakin' parks? McDiablo
Oh my, what do you mean? Where is this happening? I guess I should be careful when out running around now, I'd hate to be caught in a trap and have to eat my own leg off to escape. I need both my legs. Well I guess I don't NEED them but having them both is something I do enjoy. You should be careful too McDiablo, and make sure Emerald doesn't get caught either!

Have you ever stolen anything?...and by 'stolen', I mean 'borrowed'. McDiablo
Oh I've borrowed many things. Socks, shoes, batteries, paper, shampoo, toothbrushes, forks, whatever I find fun and interesting. I always say thank you and give people big hugs for sharing. It's the polite thing to do.

I'm so glad that I won't see X-mas commercials on T.V. anymore. What about X-mas will you NOT miss? McDiablo
I agree completely about the commercials! I also won't miss the bad music that plays everywhere, and those people dressed up as Santa's that aren't interested in having me sit on their lap and bounce in a fun way.

Ok, my darling. Your next horrific deed will be to find a really good pair of heels for me to walk all over you with, but you can keep them when i'm done. Then lick some gummi bears and stick them in your fur. Do you have any other hobbies? Eva Sock-Goddess
<Squeals in delight> Yay! I'll go find you the perfect pair in a nice shiny black and we'll have fun and be naughty all afternoon! Mmmmm licking gummi bears. Mmmmm shoes. Mmmmmm walking on me. Mmmmmmmm hobbies.

Do you have a big tongue?
Well it's about average I'd say. I haven't really measured it or anything, but maybe I should. I wonder what a good size is for a tongue? Then again, it's probably all in how you use it.

Hey Herby, I haven't a question really, I just wanted to wish you a very merry christmas. -me
Thanks me! I'll wish you a happy holidays too! Oh and here's a hug for you! <Hug> In fact, here is one for everyone. <HUG>

What is most common name these dayz?
I don't know, I seem to be called Herby a lot lately. So I'll go with that, and the name George. Do I win a prize? Are you changing your name? You should consider Hebert and George if you are. They're fun and have two e's in them.

Dec 29/04
Answered by: Herbert

What does 2005 have in store for Mzebonga? - Mzebonga
Well first off, how about I give you a great big hug you cranky bitch? (See I knew you'd forgive me for doing that thing in your shoe those few times, and it's so nice to see you back asking me questions.) After the hug I give you, I'll probably try to cop a feel but you'll have none of it and then I'll beg and you'll say no and begin to get angry. Other than that, I have no idea what the future holds for you Mzebonga, that's something you'll need to discover on your own. How about another hug?

We have company right now, and theyre eating supper. I'm in the living room (next to the dining room) do you think they'd notice if I turned the Christmas music off? The computer is playing the music. -Hufflebunny
First turn it down just slightly, and every 30 seconds or so, turn it down a bit more. Eventually it will be too low to bother hearing and maybe you can type for a bit without it playing at all. They'll probably catch on at some point, and that's when you run for the door screaming that they can't take all your presents away because you're wearing some of the new underwear you were given. Mmmm new underwear.

Would you like to lick me? Venomous
Sure! When you're done I'll even be nice enough to lick you! I won't lick your armpits though. I'm just not into that sort of thing. (Give me a few drinks or something and I just might if you have clean armpits.)

What happens when you put the mashed potatoes in the television remote where the abtteries go ? -me
I've never tried that! Maybe it would work, I thought I saw some sort of thing where someone hooks up a potato to a thing and somehow it lights up a lightbulb. Then again, maybe this was a cartoon I saw? I don't know, but I think that the mashed potatoes would make the remote work.

Herbert, do you mind if I touch myself, and pretend that it's you? Venomous
Wow, sure! If you want, I'll touch myself and pretend it's you too. Mmmmmm touching.

hi sexy tail! last night i dreamed of you! u were sitting on my face while i licked your tail, up and down, up and down, up an..... damn! I think I need a hug more than I've ever needed a hug in my entire life before! Anyway.... I've just been looking through some old answers/ questionnaires etc and have found some vintage entries from me back in the day, using my old nickname! How cool is that!?!? (that's not my question) Do you reckon you could get a search engine on the site, so we could all find our old answers to look at and laugh without trawling for hours? (that is my question). Superman Dave. xxx
Mmmmmm dreaming. How distracting of you to tell me that first and then expect me to think of an answer for a question! A search engine is a great idea Dave, and from what I've overheard, JCP is trying to make that happen. I would help if I could, but I wouldn't know what to do. Do you think that printing out all the answers and doing some cut and paste work with them will help any? I think I'll do that and mail them to her. Mmmmm sitting on your face while you lick my tail.

GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF! AAARRRGGGHH! HOW DO I GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF!!! HELP! AAAARRRGHH! Oh. It's just fallen off. Sorry for waisting your time. Superman Dave. xxx
Oh, so you don't need me to help you get off then? Maybe next time.

Do you ever wonder how many people have used their dollar bills to blow their nose on? I know I do. Oh yeah, and why do they call it a grapenut when it's neither a grape nor a nut? Venomous
To blow their noses on? Well not a lot I'd think. If anything, I'd be more interested in seeing how much drugs and chemicals are on paper money. Grapenuts? What are these? It sounds strange, and if you're saying they're not grapes or nuts, then what the hell is going on? I'm so very confused.

Why are people such snotty assholes? Last year, I wasn't popular at all and all my friends were labeled as losers, and I wore the same shirt as this preppy girl and she was like "do you have a sweater you can put over that?" and I didn't so she put a sweater on over hers. Why does it matter if you're too cool to be seen with the same shirt as someone less popular? -Hufflebunny (sorry its so long, but I tried to be frank)
Wow that girl sounds very stupid. Lots of people wear the same shirt unless you make your own just to ensure no one else has it. Maybe next time you should take some soup or something and dump it on her head so that she doesn't have to worry about such stupid things like shirts anymore. Being popular and such during school amounts to nothing when you're out of it, so just tell the preppy little bitch to shove the shirt up her puckered ass. Here's a hug for you since you had to put up with that sort of nonsense. <Hug.>

Have you ever used a massage chair? McDiablo
No I haven't, are they fun? I've seen commercials for such things (and more) on TV but no one I know has one. Well, maybe they do and they haven't told me because they don't want me attaching myself to it. Maybe someone should buy one for me and we can all try it out!

Do you like chips? If so, what's your favourite chip flavour? McDiablo
Chips are great fun to eat. They make my paws all fun to suck on and full of flavor. My favorite is salt and vinegar chips. They make my mouth tingle and if I eat enough, it makes my mouth numb! That's always tons of fun, but Poptart hates it when I get that type and stink up his place with it. So I keep secret bags in the closet that he doesn't know about and eat them while he's away at work.

I think ninjas are cool. Do you happen to think so? McDiablo
Oh yes! They're great fun when they fall from the sky and are all "hwwwwwaaaaaa!" as they fight. Yesterday I saw a movie with them in it and it was sorta scary because their mouths would move and instead of hearing words that went with their lip movements, it was cheesy english dialog that didn't match their lips at all. I wonder what happened to the real words? Do you think they were stolen and had to be rescued in another movie? <Jumps into ninja pose.> Hwwwwwaaaaa!

does extacy get u hornyer then you would usualy be(stefan)
I have no idea, I've never tried that! I've reached points of ecstasy a few times, but not with pills or anything. I'm into swallowing a lot of other sorts of things, but pills isn't one of them. Sometimes rocks look like pills, have you noticed that? It's best just to keep all that in a large jar or bowl so you can see all the colors and such.

Do you enjoy the stimulatiing effects of marijuana ?-me
Well ok you have me there. I have to admit that yea I do sometimes. It's never before I'm going to try strange sexual acts though, as I might fall and hurt myself. Safety is always the primary concern when attempting any sexual deviance or complex maneuver.

How old is TOO OLD to be smoking weed ? -me *HUG* ( i didn't include a hu with my last question, so here) *HUG*
I have no idea how old is too old. The oldest person I've seen was in their 60's. So you know, I'm always happy to have hugs, so even if I don't say thanks, I'm truly appreciating them! More people and creatures really should hug, it would make us all happier and feel better. I know that I feel so much better when I've had a hug. Maybe I'll start my own group of people that just go out and hug people to make them feel better. Will you join? You're good at hugging.

He®be®╥ ¥°u® Sex¥!! (lol)-*-Have u ever pole danced?¿!!AND!! do u have msn??¿¿ -_-_-_-_-_-G®eenBeän
I think that's my name there, isn't it? That's fancy text, maybe too fancy for a simple sock monkey like me. Pole danced? You know, now that you mention it, no I haven't. That's something I really should have done already, but no one will take me somewhere where I can do that sort of thing. Will you take me? I'll even dance for you if you want. And no, I don't have MSN.

who the hell puts all this spare time into creating sock monkey porn? i mean, honestly... thats intense.
Wow, intense! Why thank you, I try to put as much as I can into performing when I'm asked to. It's not as easy as everyone assumes to perform in front of a camera. Luckily I have no issues doing that sort of thing in front of many people if needed. If you feel you could do this sort of thing, drop me a line, I'm always looking for more people and/or animals to play with.

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