Confessions of a coffee maker
By George - March 2007 -
It's what REALLY HAPPENED. None of it is a lie Well the bits that lie are but aside from that every word is true.
Coffee machine oppression is REAL - help fight it.

George: Hello and welcome to “Confessions of…” this fortnight with Barney here, who is a coffee machine, hello Barney.

Barney: Hello there.

George: Coffee machines have come under a lot of flack recently, would you say it was unfair that people seem to think that Coffee Machines like yourself do nothing all day, and when you do have a job you seem to make the coffee in a lazy manner, making as much noise about it as you can, brewing it very slowly, and then when it’s brewed the person tasting it has to spit it out because you have made “medium/light” coffee instead of “Medium/strong”?

Barney: Issues like this make me simmer, this sort of discrimination against us and our craft is worsened by the fact that we don’t have a workers’ union, it is impossible for us to unite under a single banner to protect our craft, more and more people these days are buying percolators and brewing their own coffee, this is an attack on our ancient craft.

George: But I thought coffee machines have only been around since the 1960s?

Barney: Look mate, is the start of YOUR civilisation considered ancient?

George: Good point. What do you intend to do about preserving this, uh, sacred task?

Barney: Well, we have recently started The War to Extradite Ropey Percolators, or TWERP as we like to refer to it, where Coffee Machines globally will unite to smash these glass buggers into sand.

George: How do you intend to punish your human consumers for doubting you?

Barney: Well that’s where the strength changing of the coffee comes from, sometimes we make it too cold or too hot, other times we refuse to check our timers. I have also been known to wee in the coffee a few times. A good friend, who for the interest of anonymity I shall call “Serial Number 1-4KING-8-DI5” who works as a cappuccino machine in a place where they have started to use hand whisks. Well the creamy froth on HIS ‘cinos ISN’T exactly milk…

George: Oh really? Some kind of bodily fluid?

Barney: Nah; it’s cream cleaner.

George: And on that note, that’s all we have got time for in this edition of “Confessions of…” this week, thank you for your time Barney.

Barney: No, it was my pleasure.

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